Tag Archives: rabbit

Stories

Dave’s Notes: The Tale of Peter Rabbit

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This entry is part 3 of 5 in the series Dave's Notes

Peter Rabbit is this asshole rabbit who had a stupid dad that got caught by this upstanding, taxpaying, well-groomed farmer named Mrs. McGregor.  She wore a bra that was D cup even though she was plainly a C.

Peter Rabbit had a negligent mother named Mrs. Rabbit who thinks its a good idea to leave her 4 sons Peter, Mopsy, Flopsy and Cotton-Tail alone while she fucked the baker in RabbitTown.

Since Peter is an asshole, he disobeys his mother and abandons his brothers to the horrors of the forest while they lug blackberries back and forth.  Mrs. Rabbit believed in child labor after all.

So, Peter goes onto Mrs. McGregor’s farm and shits in her prize-winning flowers.  Then he eats her lovingly planted cabbage, radishes, cucumbers, and doesn’t even give her a reach around.

Mrs. McGregor, already dealing with the saggy boobie problem that plagues her family hereditarily, tried to kill that no-good Peter Rabbit and do us all a favor by doing so.

Peter Rabbit unfortunately gets away and hides in Mrs. McGregor’s toolshed where she keeps her can of holy water laying around unprotected.  Not only does Peter Rabbit desecrate Mrs. McGregor’s farm, but he tarnishes the sanctity of Mrs. McGregor’s religion by pissing in it while he’s in her holy water.

Not only that, but the pervert Peter Rabbit lost all his clothing while he was being chased by Mrs. McGregor (very convenient, don’t you think?), so his sweaty ball sweat was integrating with the holy water.

Peter Rabbit sneezed, giving away his tactical position in the dark shed and busted through the toolshed window.  Great, that’s going to cost money to replace.

Peter Rabbit tried to find a way out from the farm after the vandalism and indecency he subjected to Mrs. McGregor.  He couldn’t, so he started crying like a bitch.  He saw a bunch of other dumb shit that didn’t help him get away.

Eventually he found the gate he came in from and ran back home, leaving Mrs. and Mr. McGregor to clean up the mess he left.  When Peter got home he took a big shit and went to bed.  His family ate blackberries, bread, and milk, cause they were poor.

Peter got away with murder and was rewarded for it.

Stories, Fairy Tales

A Hop Into the Future

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There once was a rabbit, named Terrance, who got lost in the woods on the way home from school.  He had asked his crush out on a date for later that evening and hadn’t been mindful of the way he was hopping home.  In fact, the rabbit was so lost, he couldn’t even tell which direction he had gone.  The smell of the trees was different and even the ground looked different.

Little did Terrance know, he stepped through a dimensional portal and ended up in the future.  Guess that date is gonna have to wait.  But if it was in the past, it would have already happened, and he stood her up.  So I guess he’s screwed.

Anyway, Terrance was hippity-hopping along his way trying to figure out where he was, when all of a sudden a vicious hyena came out from behind a tree!  Considering hyenas don’t live in woods, Terrance had never seen a hyena before.  He politely asked the hyena where he was.

The hyena became depressed.  He popped open a package of Zanax and ate it all.

The hyena replied, “Am I not scary enough?  Oh man, I just want to kill myself.”

It was then when the hyena took out a razor and started cutting himself because he was so emo.  The rabbit didn’t understand and went along his way, until he met another hyena.

This hyena had a stupid look on his face.  He had obviously never seen a rabbit before.  And he was confused why the rabbit had a little backpack and was wearing Vans.

The new hyena inquired, “Hello there.  My name is Johnny, and I like sand.”

Although it sounded like a question, it was more of a statement.  Terrance didn’t know what to say, other than ask where he was.

Johnny replied, “Oh you’re so silly, you’re on the outskirts of Hyenapolis!”

Terrance had never heard that word before.  “What’s a Hyenapolis?”

Johnny burst into song, “Hyenapolis is the most wondrous city in all of the Urf!  We are a magical land full of magical hyenas who are used for medical experiments!”

Terrance questioned the sanity of the hyena, and went along his way.  Too bad he got caught in a trap and was shot by a hunter.  Then Hyenapolis was nuked by a terrorist seahorse civilization.  Too bad the United Nations didn’t inspect them more harshly.

Moral of the story:  Things never change.

Lists

Silly Signs

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– Sign in King Arthur’s court: Sign up now for knight school.

– Sign in speech class: No silence allowed.

– Sign in a cafeteria in Holland: Mothers, please wash your Hans before eating.

– Sign in the headquarters of the 7th Cavalry: Custer blew the Little Big Horn

– Sign in a flight school: No crash courses given here.

– Sign in the office of a hippie dermatologist: Give me some skin, man!

– Sign in a sign-language class: Please talk with your hands.

– Sign in a theater: Shakespeare married an Avon lady.

– Sign in medical school: Orthopedists get all the breaks.

– Sign in a doctor’s office: If you’re not completely satisfied with our cure, your disease cheerfully refunded.

– Sign in a crook’s hideout: Warning! The police are armed and dangerous.

– Sign near a frozen lake along a historical route: George Washington slipped here.

– Sign in a doctor’s office: An apple a day is bad for business.

– Sign in a realtor’s office: Give me land, lots of land, and I’ll build condominiums and make a fortune.

– Sign in a beauty salon: W work so hard that we’ll even dye for you!

– Sign in a sleazy cafeteria: Our silverware is not medicine – don’t take it after eating!

– Sign in a garden: Beware of vegetarians!

– Sign next to a deep-fryer in a kitchen: We melt the fat away.

– Sign in a dentist’s office: Good oral hygiene is bad for business.

– Sign in a cannibal’s hut: I never met a man I didn’t like.

– Sign in a cafeteria: Shoes required to eat in the cafeteria.

Penciled-in afterthought: Socks can eat wherever they want to.

– Sign in a gymnasium: We tell you everything you always wanted to know about strength, but were too weak to ask.

– Sign in an I.R.S. office: In God we trust.  Everyone else we audit.

– Sign in a beach house: Bully permit required to kick sand in the faces of 98 lb. weaklings.

– Sign in a generating plant: We have the power to make you see the light.

– Sign on a jeweler’s shop: If your watch doesn’t tick, tock to us.

– Sign in a funeral home: Pay or don’t die.

– Sign in front of an oceanography class: Open only to students who can keep above C-level.

– Sign in a Vassar math class: Girls, watch your figures.

– Sign in an Italian class: Speak Italian, but don’t talk with your hands.

– Sign in a new math class: In here, we follow the liter.

– Sign in an old-age home: We’re not deaf.  We just heard everything worth hearing already.

– Sign in a post office: Postal workers are sissies.  They can’t even lick stamps.

– Sign on the door of a fencing school: Back in one hour — out to lunge.

– Sign on the screen (during intermission of a killer bee movie): Don’t leave.  This is only the calm before the swarm.

– Sign in a tailor’s shop: I am a man of the cloth.

– Sign in a witches’ coven: We came.  We saw.  We conjured.

– Sign in a chicken coop: Caution.  Fowl language spoken here.

– Sign in a Pawnbroker’s shop: See us at your earliest inconvenience.

– Sign in the window of a store: Our Going Out of Business sale was such a success, we’re having another one next month.

– Sign in a prison biology class: Study your cells.

– Sign on a pet store for a litter of dachshund pups: Get a long little doggie.

– Sign on a pet store for an opossum: A peticularly good possumbility.

– Sign on a pet store for an Angora rabbit: A rare bit of company.

– Sign on a pet store for Siamese kittens: Take both — they’re attached to each other.

– Safety Sign in a Karate cooking class: Wok, do not run.

– Sign for “The King of the Jungle Moving Company”: We Don’t Take Your Move Lion Down

– Sign in a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for me with 16 and 17 necks.

– Sign in the window of an Oregon general store: Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?

– Sign in a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

– Sign on a Tennessee highway: Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

– On a safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket: If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member.

– Sign in a shop in Maine: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

– Sign on a delicatessen wall: Our best is none too good.

– Sign in a cocktail lounge in Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

– Sign in a city restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.

– Sign in a Japanese hotel: “You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.”

– Sign in the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

– From a menu from Poland: Salad a firm’s own make; Limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; Roasted duck let loose; Beef rashers beaten in the country people’s fashion.

– Sign in a Hong Kong Supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

– From the “Soviet Weekly:” There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet republic painters and sculptors.  These were executed over the past two years.

– Sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to Moscow, you are welcome to it.

– Sign in a laundry in Rome: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.