Question: Why did you leave your last job?
Answer: I felt my talents and abilities were underutilized.
Translation: It sucked.

Question: What are your biggest weaknesses?
Answer: I’m a workaholic. I just don’t know when to put down my work.
Translation: I can’t concentrate for more than five minutes, hate all forms of authority, and tend to fall asleep at my desk.

Question: You seem to have moved around a lot in a short amount of time. Why should we think you’ll stay here any longer than
you’ve stayed elsewhere?
Answer: I’m at a point in my career where I am tired of moving around. I really want to feel part of a team, a long-term enterprise, where I can make a contribution.
Translation: My employers have always had a hang-up about keeping only non-competent employees.

Question: How do you handle change?
Answer: I think everyone knows that today the only constant is change. I thrive on it.
Translation: I deal with it everyday unless I’m out of clean underwear.

Question: How do you get along with others?
Answer: I think the interpersonal dynamics of the work place can be among the most satisfying aspects of any job.
Translation: I like people, as long as they stay out of my face.

Question: What does the word success mean to you?
Answer: Success, for me, would be knowing I am making a difference working with a team of people to make a more profitable enterprise.
Translation: It means that I don’t have to drag my sorry butt out of bed to kiss yours.

Question: What does the word failure mean to you?
Answer: Failure? I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean. That word is not in my vocabulary.
Translation: It means I continue to collect unemployment insurance, with the hope of a 6 month extension.

Question: Do you get along with your current boss?
Answer: I don’t think I’d call him a boss; he’s been more of a mentor to me.
Translation: I get along fine considering what kind of a malicious jerk he is.

Question: Do you ever get angry with coworkers?
Answer: Nothing angers me more than to see a coworker not pulling his weight, goofing off, or stealing. Yes, sometimes I do get angry with coworkers.
Translation: I don’t get angry. I get even.

Question: Can I contact your references?
Answer: Maybe I can arrange to have them contact you.
Translation: Sure, but they wont know who I am.

Question: What words best describe you?
Answer: Compassionate, Creative, Team player, Organized, Efficient
Translation: Genius, Horny, Dog, Clockwatcher, Unorganized, Lazy