zapem – v. to thank God for gravy
Tag Archives: god
What About You?
I had on new clothes,
New sneaks on my feet.
I was there for class on time,
Went to the back and took my seat.
Yeah, I’m moving up,
I’m already grown.
Soon I’ll be graduating,
And out on my own.
I talked to some of my friends,
We were all having fun.
Said some things I shouldn’t have said,
Did stuff I shouldn’t have done.
I knew I was different.
I felt God touch my heart,
I knew I should set a standard,
But then I’d be set apart.
Walking to the bus,
I was not looking for strength.
I heard the car tires screeching,
But now it’s too late.
I’m standing in this room,
And I can see the heavenly gate.
Oh no! I never prayed.
I thought I had time to get it straight.
An angel walked to me,
He had a book in his hand.
I knew it was the Book of Life,
When would this dream end?
I told him my name,
And he began to look.
Then he looked at me sadly and said,
Your name is not in this book.
Angel, this is a dream,
No, I can’t be dead!
He closed the book and turned away,
He whispered – You cannot proceed ahead.
No…no this can’t be real,
Angel, you can’t turn me away.
Let me talk to God,
Maybe he’ll let me stay.
He led me to the gate,
Jesus came to me.
He did not let me in but said,
Beloved what is your need?
Jesus, I cried, please,
Don’t cast me away from you.
Tears ran down his face as he said,
You knew what you needed to do.
Lord, please I’m young,
I never thought I would die.
I thought I’d have plenty of time,
Death caught me by surprise.
Lord, I went to church,
Please Jesus, I believe.
He said you would not accept me,
My love you would not receive.
Lord, there were too many hypocrites,
They weren’t being true.
He took a step back and asked,
What does that have to do with you?
Lord, my family claimed to be saved,
They weren’t real. You know.
He said, I died for you,
Now I have to go.
I fell to my knees crying to Him,
Lord, I planned to be real tomorrow.
I couldn’t make Him understand,
I had never felt such sorrow.
Then it hit me hard, I said,
Lord, where will I go?
He looked into my eyes
and said, My child you already know.
Please Jesus, I begged,
The place is so hot.
He whispered, DEPART FROM ME, I KNOW YOU NOT.
Lord, you’re supposed to be love,
How can you send me to damnation?
He replied, With your mouth you said you loved me,
But each day you rejected my salvation.
With that in an instant,
Day turned into night.
I never knew such torture could be,
Now too late, I know the Bible is right.
If I can tell you anything,
Hell has no age.
It is a place of torture,
Separated from God and full of rage.
You know, I thought it was funny-a joke,
But this one thing is true.
If you never accept Jesus Christ,
HELL IS WAITING FOR YOU!
So please, ask Him into your heart.
Please show this to everyone you care about.
(((which should be everybody)))
IF SOMEONE HAD A GUN HELD IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE, AND ASKED YOU IF YOU BELIEVED
IN GOD, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? SAY NO AND FEEL ASHAMED THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? OR
SAY YES, I DO, AND DIE STANDING UP FOR GOD?
IF YOU’D SAY NO, THEN DELETE THIS E-MAIL.
IF YOU WOULD STAND UP FOR JESUS CHRIST, THEN SEND THIS TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND
THE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU.
I Asked God
I asked for a flower,
He gave me a garden.
I asked for a tree,
He gave me a forest.
I asked for a river,
He gave me an ocean.
I asked for a friend,
He gave me “YOU.”
Joke #9278: Identity Crisis
Late one night at the insane asylum, an inmate shouted, “I am Napoleon!”
Another one said, “How do you know?”
The first inmate said, “God told me!”
A voice from another room shouted, “I did not!”
Joke #9267: The Pusher
A little girl in her Sunday-best was running as fast as she could to get to Sunday school on time.
As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late. Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late.”
At that moment she tripped and fell getting her clothes all dirty.
She got up, brushed herself off and started running again, praying… “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late, but don’t shove me anymore!”
Joke #9217
There was a man called Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious man.
One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says “No, that’s ok. God will take care of me.” So, the man in the boat drives off.
The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, “No, that’s ok. God will take care of me.” The person in the boat then leaves.
The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in. Jim tells her “That’s ok.” The woman says “Are you sure?” Jim says, “Yeah, I’m sure God will take care of me.”
Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God “You told me you would take care of me! What happened?”
God replied “Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?”
—
Another version of this joke:
Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by in a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. “No, thank you,” Mrs. Watkins replied. “The Lord will provide.”
The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. “Don’t trouble yourself,” she told him. “The Lord will provide.”
Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, “The Lord will provide.” So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned.
Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. “What happened?” she cried.
“For cryin’ out loud, lady,” God said, “I sent three boats.”
Joke #9211
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, “Is my time up?” God said, “No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live.”
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn’t pull me out of the path of that ambulance?”
God replied, “I didn’t recognize you.”
Joke #9137
God looked at Earth and wanted to know what kind of behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not.”
God thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.” So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, “Yes, it’s true-the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving
and 5% are being good.”
God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said?
No?
I didn’t get one either.
Joke #9117
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.” With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines.
The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only, one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only
one in this line?”
And the man replied, “I don’t know, my wife told me to stand here.”
The Snoopy-Snoop Dog Connection
I always figured snoop dogg was in some way connected to snoopy, the dog from Peanuts, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it…Then I finally realiazed something! They both have big ears! I figure they came from the same parents, which were Charley Brown and Lassie was snoopy’s mom and dad, but then charley got a divorce when he caught lassie cheating with rin tin tin. Then Charley Brown remarried to Xena, warrior princess. This is when Snoop Dogg was born. Xena left Charley Brown because she though he called her a “Good Grief”. She misunderstood the meaning of this and took it offensively. She then went out and married Hercules. Charley never told any of his sons how they were related and he slipped into depression. He began drinking heavily and saying good grief until he couldn’t hold on any longer. He packed his bags and went to Mexico changing his name to Don Carlos Browne.
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the snoopy snoop dog connection in other languages. Yayyy!
Spanish
¡Yo siempre figuré dogg de que snoop estaba en alguna manera conectada al snoopy, el perro de Manís, pero de yo no podría poner bastante el dedo en lo. ..Then yo finalmente realiazed algo! ¡Ellos ambos tienen orejas grandes! Figuro que ellos vinieron de los mismos padres, que era Charley se Tosta y Lassie era mamá de snoopy y papá, pero entonces charley obtuvo un divorcio cuando él estafar cogido de lassie con estaño de estaño de rin. Entonces Charley se Tosta remarried a Xena, princesa de guerrero. Esto es cuándo Snoop Dogg nacía. La izquierda de Xena Charley se Tosta porque ella aunque él le llamó una “Pena Buena”. Ella entendió mal el significar de este y lo tomó ofensivamente. Ella entonces salió y Hércules casado. Charley nunca dijo cualquiera de sus hijos cómo ellos fueron relacionados y él resbaló en la depresión. El comenzó a beber pesadamente y decir la pena buena hasta que él no pudiera aguantar cualquier más largo. El empacó sus bolsas y fue a México que cambia su nombre a Don Carlos Browne.
French
Je toujours ai calculé snoop dogg était à certains égards connecté à snoopy, le chien des Arachides, mais je pas tout à fait pourrais mettre mon doigt dessus. ..Then je finalement realiazed quelque chose! Ils les deux a de grandes oreilles! Je calcule ils sont venus des parents pareils, qui étaient Charley Brun et Lassie était snoopy mom et le papa, mais alors charley a reçu un divorce quand il a attrapé tricher de lassie avec l’étain d’étain de rin. Alors Charley remarried Brun à Xena, la princesse de guerrier. Ceci est quand Snoop Dogg était né. Xena part Charley Brun parce qu’elle bien qu’il l’a appelée un “le Bon Chagrin”. Elle misunderstood le sens de ceci et l’a pris choquamment. Elle est sorti alors et Hercules épousé. Charley n’a jamais dit n’importe quel de ses fils comment ils ont été relatés et il a glissé dans la dépression. Il a commencé à boire lourdement et la maxime bon chagrin jusqu’à ce qu’il ne pourrait pas tenir sur plus long. Il a emballé ses sacs et est allé à changer de Mexique son nom à Don Carlos Browne.
German
Ich habe snoop dogg in mancher Hinsicht an snoopy, der Hund von Erdnüssen immer gerechnet war hat angeschlossen, aber ich könnte nicht sehr meinen Finger darauf stellen. ..Then ich schließlich realiazed etwas! Sie haben beide große Ohren! Ich rechne sie von den gleichen Eltern, die Charley Braun und Lassie waren, Mutti snoopy und Vater sind gekommen war, aber dann hat charley eine Scheidung erhalten, als er lassie gefangen hat, der mit rin Zinn Zinn betrügt. Dann Charley Braun remarried zu Xena, Krieger Prinzessin. Dies ist, als Snoop Dogg geboren war. Xena verlassen Charley Braun weil sie, obwohl er sie ein “Guter Gram” gerufen hat. Sie hat das Bedeuten von diesem mißverstanden und hat es anstößig genommen. Sie ist aus und verheiratet Hercules dann gegangen. Charley hat irgendein von seinen Söhnen nie erzählt, wie sie verwandt waren, und er ist in Depression gerutscht. Er hat begonnen, schwer zu trinken, und Spruch von gutem Gram, bis er auf irgendeinem längeren nicht halten könnte. Er hat seine Säcke eingepackt und ist nach Mexiko Änderung sein Name zu Don Carlos Browne gegangen.
Italian
Ho calcolato sempre il dogg di snoop era in alcuna maniera collegata allo snoopy, il cane dalle Arachidi, ma non potrei mettere completamente il mia dito su esso. ..Then io finalmente il realiazed qualcosa! Loro entrambi l’ha gli orecchia grandi! Calcolo sono venuti dagli stessi genitori, che erano Charley Marrone e Lassie era il mom dello snoopy ed il babbo, ma poi il charley ha preso un divorzio quando ha preso ingannare di lassie con lo stagno di stagno di rin. Poi Charley il remarried Marrone a Xena, la principessa di guerriero. Questo è quando Snoop Dogg era nato. Lo Xena Charley sinistro Marrone perché lei nonostante l’ha chiamata un “dolore Buono”. Ha frainteso il significato di quest’e l’ha portato offensivamente. È uscita poi ed Hercules sposato. Il Charley non ha mai detto qualunque di suoi figli come erano raccontati ed ha scivolato nella depressione. Ha iniziato a bere pesantementemente ed il detto dolore buono finché non potrebbe tenere su qualunque più lungo. Ha fatto le valigie le sue borse ed è andato a cambiare di Messico il suo nome a Don Carlos Browne.
Norwegian
Jeg alltid beregnet snoop dogg var på noen måter koplet til snoopyhunden fra Peanøttermen jeg ikke helt kunne anbringe min finger på det..then jeg til slutt realiazed noe! De begge har store øre! Jeg beregner de kom fra de samme foreldrenesom var Charley Brun og Lassie var snoopys mamma og pappamen da charley fikk en skilsmisse da han fanget lassie som snyter med rin tinntinn. Da Charley Brun remarried til Xenakrigerprinsesse. Dette er når Snoop Dogg var født. Xena venstre side Charley Brun fordi hun skjønt han kalte henne enGod Sorg. Hun misunderstood det betyende av dette og tok det anstøtelig. Hun da drog ut og giftet seg med Hercules. Charley aldri fortalte noe av hans sønner hvordan de ble fortalt og han glapp inn i depresjon. Han begynte å drikke tungt og ordspråk god sorg til han ikke kunne holde på noe lengre. Han pakket inn hans sekker og drog til Mexico forandring hans navn til Don Carlos Browne.
Portuguese
Eu sempre imaginei dogg de snoop estava em algum meio ligou a snoopy, para o cachorro de Amendoim, mas mim bem nao podia por o meu dedo em ele. ..Then eu finalmente realiazed algo! Eles ambos têm orelhas grandes! Imagino vieram dos mesmos pais, que eram Charley Lassie Marrom era mom do snoopy e papai, mas então charley recebeu um divórcio quando pegou cheating de lassie com estanho de estanho de rin. Então Charley remarried Marrom a Xena, princesa de guerreiro. Isto é quando Dogg de Snoop nascia. O Xena Charley esquerdo Marrom porque ela embora chamou seu um “Boa Mágoa”. Ela misunderstood o querer dizer deste e tomou ofensivamente. Ela então saiu e Hercules casado. O Charley nunca contou qualquer dseus filhos como eles foram relacionados e escorregou em depressão. Começou bebida pesadamente e ditado boa mágoa até que ele nao podia agarrar-se mais. Empacotou suas sacolas e foi a mudança de México seu nome a Browne de Carlos de Don.
The Reason Pigs Fly: A Manifesto
There once was a town in east Oregon named baloopateeassssiville. Believe it or not it was a clown nudist colony. Now you may ask yourself. WHAT THE HELL ARE CLOWNS NAKED FOR! I am here to tell you. My name is Horatio the weasel clown and this is my manifesto.
It was a hot afternoon in mid September. The bees were out, the bees are always out. There are so many god damn bees. Back to the story. Well I was out walking my french poodle name Jose, when you know who I ran into? It was my ex-wife btichass the clown.. This was about 6 years before we became a nudist colony. That happened after the war. Well as I was saying I was walking when my little doggy took a little poopoo. Well you would not believe this but my ex wife comes and picks it up, puts it into a paper cup, adds water and PRESTO you have poop water. I was in the middle of throwing up when she asked what the matter was. I can’t believe you did that you swappy* bitch, that was dog shit yo (I was in the middle of the phase where I was talking in strange tongues). She said yes but it’s good for my asthma. I said yeah right skank, I challenge you to a duel. She said in a very feminine voice “Oh, is that like a party”. I said smirking “yeah kinda”. She said “Great, I’ll bring crumpets”. Her ignorance brought me to the point where I wanted to cut her and eat her heart. I settled for a piece of broccoli and corned beef.
Well it was the day of the duel and as was expected, she brought the damn crumpets. We sat down for a few minutes. We talked of the current japanese invasion of Virginia and caught up on the local news, movies, and books. I was almost beginning to revoke the proposal of a duel, when she brings out the biggest fish I Have ever seen. Even more amazingly, she had two. She said, I figured instead of a duel we could throw these fish. I said “I suppose so” with a sigh of relief. We mutually decided she should go first as she brought the fish. She threw it, and man the bitch could throw. Paranoia began to leap over me. What if I could not beat her throw I would be the laughing stock of the town. I began to sweat intensely and began drooping. She handed me my fish and said “Beat that if you can” she said. I said “I think I will if you don’t mind”. Well the winds had been kind that day and my throw was possibly a world record, I kid you not. That’s when the attack kicked in. I became dizzy and I was shaking like you would not believe. I collapsed in a sudden big heap. You would not believe the intensity I felt. It was like being reborn. They say I’ve lost it. But I’ve stopped listening to them. They can never take me again.
Joke #5261: Little Mary
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school; usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?”
When Mary did not stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty!” shouted Mary and the teacher said, “Very good.” and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, “Who is our Lord and Savior,” but, Mary did not even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. “Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”
The Teacher fainted.
Joke #5249: Fibbing Away
A man is fibbing away about how great things are in his country.
Finally, he starts describing the tall buildings in his country.
“There is a building so tall, it took my friend Alex 72 hours to fall off it!”
“Oh, my God!” says his friend. “Surely he must have died!”
“Of course. He was without food or water for 3 days!”
Joke #5236: A Woman’s Wreck
A lady had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
“My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”
“Yes officer, I’m just fine!” the woman chirped.”Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the woman began. “I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was …”
“Uh, ma’am”, the officer said, cutting her off… “there isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”
Joke #5210: Holy Collections
A priest, minister and rabbi were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf, and started discussing their weekly collections.
Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to the Lord.
The priest explains, “I draw a circle around myself and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself. What ever lands outside the circle, I give to God.”
The minister says, “Yes, I use a similar method, except that whatever lands inside the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs.”
The rabbi then proclaims, “Brothers we are in agreement! I use the same method, as well. Except, that when I toss the money in the air, and I figure that whatever God wants He can keep…”