namgalsipsclar – v. to throw a lit match into a mailbox
Tag Archives: fire
Joke #9226
In a small Southern town there was a “Nativity Scene” that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing fireman’s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a “Quick Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, “You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!” I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.
Sticking it in my face she said “See, it says right here, ‘The three wise man came from afar.'”
Joke #9152
Q: A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven’t eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
A: The third. Lions that haven’t eaten in three years are dead.
Jim-Bob-Bob-Jim
Bob: Hey Jim Bob!
Jim: Hey Bob Jim!
Bob: What’s Jim Bob up to?
Jim: I’m eating corn cob and Jim-Jim-Henery
Bob: Might I have a taste?!
Jim: Fuuuuuck no! He’s mine.
Bob: Fuck you, Jim-Bob! I think your gay!
Jim: your sister would say different, ass!
Bob: my sister is your sister!
Jim: ….oh yea! She was great.
Bob: you sicko! That ain’t normal! Sisters is for kissing and buying beer, not for having relations!!!
Jim: Well who isn’t related to us?
Bob: Old Freida
Jim: She’s dead!
Bob: But she’s in this town. Our last non-related neighbor was Cletus, but he gone turned yellow and went to Holly Wood
(a car pulls up with Cletus)
Cletus: hey y’all! I done come back to says my for-tune is gone, I spents it on malt liquor and purty ladies wigs
Bob and Jim: You got any food? We could go fer some!
Cletus: only corn cobs!
Bob and Jim: YAY!
Cletus: But! Only if you kindly hands over your ladies wigs! I just loooooooooooooove ladies wigs
(Bob and Jim head over to Old Freida’s grave)
Bob: there she be….lets screw her!
(Jim holds Bob back)
Jim: no! we’ve comes for her hair!
(Jim peels her scalp off)
Bob: lets go get our cobs!
(They got back to Cletus, who is masturbating on a lamp post)
Bob: we got your wig!
Cletus: I’m so sorry boys! I throwed ’em in my toilet and watched them spin around. I only meant to clean them!
Bob: you inbred BASTARD!
Cletus: Look who’s talken!
(Bob lights the lamp post on fire)
Cletus: oh boy, looks like this is my humble demise, save me Jim!
(Jim is fucking a goat)
Jim: Wha….what?!
(Cletus catches on fire)
Cletus: Bye mommy! Bye daddy!
Jim: Bye son!
Bob: Bye brother!
(Jim and Bob wave)
(Cletus melts into a yellow puddle, and a dog pees in it)
(Dog laps up the puddle, Jim barfs)
(end)
Mother Savage
Burn Penguins
The Rabbit Who Pooped On Everyone
This is kinda weird. We got 2 different versions of this same story from 2 different people. We don’t know who the first person was.
——————————————
1st version:
One Day A Rabbit named FLUFFY was sitting in his round terdy dirhea palace ande the toilet was made of realy talking terds somtimes they hugged him and said”i wove you”so anyway fluffys owner was coming home and took him out and held him above her head and he pooped on her face with a SPLAT she said “bitching rabbit”!!!she ran inside to take a shower when she came back out she held him and spanked me after that he shot out a marbly little terd into her mouth and she GULPED IT and he pee’d the second after that and hit her in the nose and she said “IM KILLING YOU”!!but before she could his terdy toilet freinds came and they punched her THWOCK THWOCK and SPLAT SPLITTY SPLAT!!his little toilet freinds said “o gosh i wove u”and little old fluffy/he ate them and chewed with a gooshy sound of munch’in terds and they screamed “Basterd EE OUSE rabbit”!?!and fluffys freind FROSTY came over and greated Fluffy and Fluffy Greated Frosty and Frosty And Fluffy built an invention called the Poop-Mini-Gunner and sceintific name –POOPIOSE LE’TERD ODDER LORD OF STINKY POO MICK COLEMN HAIRY FAT MAN TERD–so they aimed it toward there town called Toilet city poo eee (they lived in the poopyis town of the underground Retard toilets for fat men and fat assed woman and always getting new poopy , slimy visitors each second and each time we great them as they slide down the slippery slide of pooey)AND SHOT THE CITY AND EVERYONE GREW INTO THE BROWNIST BROWNEY TERDS IN THE WORLD!! ALSO ONE REMINDER the biggest TeRd in the town is stanly who came from a 560Pound SUmo wrestler THE END))))”””””
—————————————
2nd version:
One Day Fluffys owner was coming home and she took him out and said “hi”i pooped on her face and she yelled at me and said”YOU rabbIT YOU”she went to take a shower and came back and said”IM SPANKING YOU FLUFFY”before she could i pooped a little marbly terd and it went in her mouth and she gulped it and she was so frusterated she pulled down her pants and farted on me and after that i peed on here face then she ran inside to take another shower and i made an invention while she was in the shower i called it the poop shooter i aimed ot at her shower window and SPLAT then THWOCK i broke the glass and it hit her in the nose and splatted a huge mushy dirhea splatter all on here nose she inhaled it and puked at the marbly terd i escaped by opening the lach and brought my poop shooter and made 90 terds combinded and shot it at the city THWOCK the city blew up with a dirheaish fireworks and everyone thought they saw Hamtaro (from the CarttonNetwork at 8:30AM and the 4:00PM show)shoot it and everyone in the city got out spears and arrows (BY THE WAY HAMTARO IS A HAMSTER)and Hamtaro said “crum crumb crum” and EVERYONE stabbed him and HAMTAROS eyes popped out and plopped on the floor with a splitty splat splitty noise and his balls fell off and everyone ate dirhea to surrvive but saddly little fluffy had to much fluffyness and killed everyone who looked at his fizzzy,fuzzy,fluffy,soothing,touching,scottish,dirheashish furr so everyone DIED IN A DIRHEAISH DEATH
THE EMD KIDS AND ADULTS
Joke #5324
There is a blonde cooking.
She got careless and caught the curtains on fire. She called the fire department and says “hurry my curtains are on fire!”
The man says “How do we get there?”
The blonde says, “the BIG RED TRUCK DUH.”
Joke #5294
A skyscaper is on fire, there are three people on the top of the building, waiting to be rescued; a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.
There are people standing on the streets holding out a blanket and asking them to jump.
The brunette jumped and they moved the blanket away. She fell to her death.
The crowds were asking the redhead to jump but she said no.
“Don’t worry, we all hate brunettes and love redheads.”
She believed it and jumped, and again, they moved the blanket and she fell to her death.
The blonde quickly shouted, “okay, I will jump but only on one condition. You all must put the blanket on the floor and back off 10 meteres, then I will jump!”
I LOVE MONKEYS
I love monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they are normally a couple thousand apiece. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing. When I got home, I herded them into my room.
They didn’t adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it’s third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. God damn cheap monkeys. I didn’t know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn’t work.
It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys. I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is, until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn’t want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn’t go bad. I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, and The odor wasn’t improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them away, but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn’t take it either. I didn’t bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution: I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn’t quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals. God, I love monkeys.
Joke #5209: Steven Wright Stand Up
Years ago I worked in a natural organic health food store in Seattle, Washington. One day a man walked in and said “if I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?” I said “I don’t know, let me ask Tony.”
Two days later I was fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight Bosco on the job.
So I figured I’d leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes. I really wasn’t into meditating, and she really wasn’t into being alive.
I told her I knew when I was gonna die because my birth certificate has an expiration date on it.
I decided to leave and go to California so I packed up my Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygenists trying to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch.
I headed for the highway and I began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new cars. I climbed up the side of the cabin and I opened the door and the guy said “I don’t have much room in here, why don’t you get in one of the cars in the back?” So I did. And he was really into picking up people because he picked up 19 more. We all had our own cars. Then he went 90 miles an hour and we all got speeding tickets.
I have the photograph of my license taken out of focus on purpose. So when the police do stop me they go “…here you can go.”
One night I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I have a telescope on the peephole of my door so I can see who’s at the door for 200 miles. “Who is it?” “Who’s it gonna be when you get here?”
I have an answering machine for my phone. When I’m not home and someone calls me up they hear the recording of a busy signal.
I lost a buttonhole.
zaway
zaway – v. to burn down a sausage factory
werojap
werojap – Contraction. short for “Help me, my pubic hairs are on fire”
vetche
vetche – v. to jump into a pool of fire
phenum
phenum – v. to light a mustache on fire