Joke #5209: Steven Wright Stand Up

Years ago I worked in a natural organic health food store in Seattle, Washington. One day a man walked in and said “if I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?” I said “I don’t know, let me ask Tony.”


Two days later I was fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight Bosco on the job.


So I figured I’d leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes. I really wasn’t into meditating, and she really wasn’t into being alive.


I told her I knew when I was gonna die because my birth certificate has an expiration date on it.


I decided to leave and go to California so I packed up my Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygenists trying to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch.


I headed for the highway and I began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new cars. I climbed up the side of the cabin and I opened the door and the guy said “I don’t have much room in here, why don’t you get in one of the cars in the back?” So I did. And he was really into picking up people because he picked up 19 more. We all had our own cars. Then he went 90 miles an hour and we all got speeding tickets.


I have the photograph of my license taken out of focus on purpose. So when the police do stop me they go “…here you can go.”


One night I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.


I have a telescope on the peephole of my door so I can see who’s at the door for 200 miles. “Who is it?” “Who’s it gonna be when you get here?”


I have an answering machine for my phone. When I’m not home and someone calls me up they hear the recording of a busy signal.


I lost a buttonhole.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.