Q: What do you call a cold puppy sitting on a rabbit?
A: A chilly dog on a bun.
Tag Archives: dog
Joke #7831
Q: What did Jon do when his dog ate his science book?
A: He took the words right out of his mouth.
—
Another version of this joke:
WRITER: “Last night I caught my dog chewing up the notes for my new novel.”
FRIEND: “What did you do?”
WRITER: “I took the words right out of his mouth.”
If My Dog Were President
Disorders
Kibble and Bits
Quote #6693
“can my dog lick your baby’s feet?”
– Redrotherson
100 Reasons Why It’s Great to Be a Guy
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don’t have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don’t give you crap if you’ve lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter’s don’t rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channels, you don’t have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don’t attack you.
16. You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don’t have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don’t have to shave below your neck.
36. You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
37. If you’re 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people’s feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking “He must be mad at me.”
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work….more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don’t care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth’s population in 15 tries, in theory.
75. You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.
76. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
79. SportsCenter.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn’t pretend you’re “freshening up” to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell your friends you’ve changed.
86. Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase “Fuck it!”
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di’s death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you’re not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So… notice anything different?”
99. Baywatch.
100. There is always a game on somewhere.
Things to Ponder
1. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
2. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
3. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
4. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
5. Why do “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
6. Why do “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?
7. Why do “tug” boats push their barges?
8. Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?
9. Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
10. Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
11. Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
12. Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?
13. Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?
14. Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?
15. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
16. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
17. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
18. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
19. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
20. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
21. Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery?”
22. Why is it that if someone tells you that there is 1 billion stars in the universe you will believethem, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint on it you will have to touch it to be sure!
23. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
24. OK…so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
25. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one enjoys it?
26. Who closes the door after the bus driver gets off the bus?
27. Why are pizza boxes square when the pizza is round?
28. What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.
29. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
30. Don’t you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their “practice” ?
31. Do they have the word “dictionary” in the dictionary?
32. What do you call a female daddy long legs?
33. If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
34. Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
35. If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?
36. In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask for American toast?
37. Why is it called a “drive through” if you have to stop?
38. Why does mineral water that has “trickled through mountains for centuries” go out of date next year?
39. If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?
40. Why are SOFTballs hard?
41. Do vampires get AIDS?
42. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
43. Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?
44. Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?
45. If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?
46. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
47. Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?
48. Can people without hands get a grip?
49. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
50. Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
51. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
52. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out”?
53. What do people in China call their good plates?
54. Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
55. If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?
56. Does a postman deliver his own mail?
57. Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?
58. If the professor on Giligan’s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
59. Why dosent a chicken egg taste like chicken?
60. Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?
61. Does peanut butter really have butter in it?
62. Do mimes watch silent movies?
63. Is the fear of flying groundless?
64. Why do people say “You scared the living daylights out of me” when daylight is not living?
65. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
66. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up “there” anyway?
67. If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing?
68. Why are boxing rings square?
69. Why is it called pineapple, when’s there neither pine nor apple in it?
70. Why is it called eggplant, when there’s no egg in it?
71. Why do people never say “it’s only a game” when they’re winning?
72. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
73. Why do birds have white poop?
74. Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
75. Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down?
76. Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn’t it be called an inlet.
77. If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
78. If you accidently ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?
79. Do sore thumbs really stick out?
80. Why is it when your almost dead your on deaths doorstep, but when your actually dead your not in deaths house?
81. Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?
82. What’s the opposite of opposite?
83. If Practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, then why practice?
84. Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers when your toe nails are smaller than your finger nails?
85. Is the opposite of “out of whack” “in whack”
86. If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?
87. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
88. Why is the blackboard green?
89. Why do they call it a black light when it’s really purple?
90. Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
91. What do you call male ballerinas?
92. How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?
93. If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?
94. Why are pennies bigger than dimes?
95. Did they have antiques in the olden days?
96. Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
97. If Pringles are “so good that once you pop, you can’t stop” why do they come with a resealable lid?
98. Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?
99. What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
100. Where does the white go when the snow melts?
101. Can blind people see their dreams?
102. What is the exception to the rule that every rule has an exception? Does that make this rule right or wrong?
103. Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?
104. Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?
105. Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
106. If we all evolved from monkeys, how come there’s still monkeys around now?
107. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can’t go that fast on any road?
108. Why do they call it “getting your dog fixed” if afterwards it doesn’t work anymore?
109. If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
110. If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn’t they do it best by not torturing themselves? and if so, aren’t we all masochist?
111. why is it called lipstick when it always comes off?
112. why is black history month (February) the shortest month of the year?
113. If when people freak out they are said to be “having a cow”, when cows freak out are they said to be “having a person?”
114. Aren’t you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don’t know if they are rhetorical questions or not?
115. Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER?
116. Why do we leave expensive cars in the drivway, when we keep worthless junk in the garage?
117. why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of they skating rings?
118. What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?
119. Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn’t it be leaving a dump?
120. What if the hokey-pokey really is what it’s all about?
121. Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?
122. If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?
123. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
124. Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?
125. What would happen if an Irresistable Force met an Immovable Object?
126. What’s the difference between a wise man and a wise guy?
127. If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?
128. how can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?
129. Why are both male and female ladybugs called ladybugs instead of ladybugs and manbugs?
130. How can you hear yourself think?
131. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
132. Is a man full of wonder a wonderful man?
133. Is a hot car cool or is a cool car hot?
134. How come thaw and unthaw mean the same thing?
135. If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas?
136. If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
137. Why is it that when a person tells you there’s over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there’s wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
138. if you fed a bee nothing but oranges, would it start making marmalade?
139. Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts, but have to put in your two cents worth?
140. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
141. If the speed of movement is slower than the speed of light – how fast is a moving light?
142. why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car?
143. Why is it good to be a Daddy’s girl, but bad to be a Momma’s boy?
144. How can something be new and improved? if it’s new, what was it improving on?
145. Is Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse?
146. Why did they name that underwear company fruit of the loom?
147. Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?
148. Why is the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star the same tune?
149. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
150. How does santa get into a house that doesn’t have a chimney?
151. If you get cheated by the better business bereau, who do you complain to?
152. If you’re in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
153. What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
154. What would Cheese say if they got their picture taken?
155. why are turds pinched off at the end?
156. I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?
157. If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?
158. Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn’t usually wear any pants?
159. If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times, does he become disoriented?
160. How come overtones and undertones are the same thing?
161. What would you use to dilute water?
162. What should one call a male ladybird?
163. How can military troops be deployed if they have never been ployed to begin with?
164. If you lived in Siberia and you wronged the Russians government, where would they send you?
165. Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
166. If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
167. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
168. Aren’t all generalizations false?
169. Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
170. Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
171. Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?
172. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
173. Could someone ever get addicted to counseling?
174. If so, how could you treat them?
175. Did Adam and Eve have navels?
176. Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?
177. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you?
178. But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
179. Do fish get cramps after eating?
180. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
181. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
182. Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
183. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as 4’s?
184. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
185. Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?
186. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
187. How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
188. How can someone “draw a blank”?
189. How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
190. How can there be “self help GROUPS”?
191. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
192. How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
193. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? How do you know when yogurt goes bad?
194. How do you know when you’re out of invisible ink?
195. How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?
196. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
197. How fast do you have to go to keep up with the sun so you’re never in darkness?
198. How is it possible to have a civil war?
199. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
200. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
201. If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does her partner also have to drown?
202. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
203. If a tree fell on a mime in the forest, would he make a sound and would anyone care?
204. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
205. If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?
206. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
207. If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
208. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
209. How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn’t have anything to jot it down on?
210. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t grow in it?
211. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
212. If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
213. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
214. If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?
215. If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause?
216. If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?
217. If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
218. If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?
219. If a jogger runs a the speed of sound can he still hear his walkman?
220. If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
221. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
222. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
223. If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
224. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
225. If God sneezes…what should you say?
226. If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?
227. If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
228. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?
229. If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
230. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
231. If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
232. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
233. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
234. If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of Congress?
235. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?
236. If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?
237. If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can’t find himself?
238. If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
239. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation? If superglue is so good, why doesn’t it stick to the side of the tube?
240. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why’s it still #2?
241. If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
242. If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
243. If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn’t they call you first?
244. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
245. If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth?
246. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
247. If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
248. If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?
249. If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don’t they wear a pair of bras?
250. If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
251. If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?
252. If you can read the marking, isn’t that end already up?
253. If you can’t drink and drive, why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
254. If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?
255. If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the driver end up owing you money?
256. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
257. If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them?
258. If you have an open mind why don’t your brains fall out?
259. If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says — “objects in mirror are closer than they appear”, how can that be possible?
260. If you keep trying to prove Murphy’s Law, will something keep going wrong?
261. If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor, will he complain?
262. If you put freeze-dried coffee in the microwave, will you go back in time?
263. If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you’re done?
264. If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
265. If you take a shower, where do you put it?
266. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
267. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
268. If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly?
269. If you’re traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
270. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
271. Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
272. Is it possible to be totally partial?
273. Is it progress if a cannibal learns to eat with a fork?
274. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
275. Is there a Dr. Salt?
276. Isn’t hot water already hot?
277. Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
278. Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
279. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
280. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
281. Shouldn’t it be called a “near hit”?
282. Shouldn’t it be some things in moderation?
283. Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllabic”?
284. There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
285. What came first the chicken or the egg?
286. What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
287. What colour would a smurf turn if you choked it?
288. What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?
289. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
290. What do sheep count when they can’t sleep?
291. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
292. What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits foot?
293. What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?
294. What happened to the first 6 ups?
295. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
296. What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect?
297. What is a free gift?
298. Aren’t all gifts free?
299. What is another word for “thesaurus”?
300. What is the speed of dark?
301. What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?
302. What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
303. What’s another word for synonym?
304. When blind people go to the bathroom, how do they know when they are done wiping their butt?
305. When people lose weight, where does it go?
306. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
307. When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?
308. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
309. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
310. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
311. When you’re sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
312. Where are Preparations A through G?
313. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
314. Who invented accents?
315. Who tows the tow trucks when they break down?
316. Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
317. Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11?
318. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
319. Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange?
320. Why are there never any artist’s materials in a drawing room?
321. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
322. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
323. Why are they called ‘stands’ when they’re made for sitting?
324. Why are we afraid of falling?
325. Shouldn’t we be afraid of the sudden stop?
326. Why aren’t there bullet-proof pants?
327. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
328. Why didn’t Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force?
329. Why do airlines call flights nonstop?
330. Won’t they all stop eventually?
331. Why do bars advertise live bands?
332. What does a dead band sound like?
333. Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
334. If your feet smell and your nose runs, are you built upside down?
335. Why do guys wear underpants?
336. Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?
337. Why do they call it disposable douche?
338. Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?
339. Why do they call them “apartments” when they are all stuck together?
340. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
341. Why do they report power outages on TV?
342. Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?
343. Why do ‘tug’boats push their barges?
344. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
345. Why do we have hot water heaters?
346. Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
347. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
348. Why do we sing ‘Take me out to the ball game’, when we are already there?
349. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
350. Why do you weep and sniffle over a TV program and the imaginary Why does “cleave” mean both split apart and stick together?
351. Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
352. Why does an alarm clock “go off” when it begins ringing?
353. Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
354. Why doesn’t “onomatopoeia” sound like what it is?
355. Why don’t sheep shrink in the rain?
356. Why don’t you ever hear about gruntled employees?
357. Why don’t you ever see baby pigions?
358. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
359. Why is a women’s prison called a penal colony?
360. Why is it called a “building” when it is already built?
361. Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?
362. Why is it called a TV “set” when you only get one?
363. Why is it called ‘after dark’, when it is really after light?
364. Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
365. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
366. Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is it when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open it’s not adoor?
367. Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a “near miss”?
368. Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
369. Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
370. Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?
371. Why is the alphabet in that order?
372. Is it because of that song?
373. Why is the word “abbreviate” so long?
374. Don’t you have to get up to get to the tape?
375. Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
376. Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
377. Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards?
378. Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
379. Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
380. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
381. You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?
382. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
383. After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
384. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
385. Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
386. Have ex-bankers become disinterested?
387. Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?
388. Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?
389. Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?
390. Have ex-punsters been expunged?
391. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out”?
392. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
393. If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?
394. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
395. Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
396. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
397. If we call Pacfic Sun “PacSun” and Pacifc Bell “PacBell,” why don’t we call the Pacific Ocean “PacOcean?”
398. If you eat lady fingers with your hands what do you eat with your feet? Tofu?
Situations It Would Suck to Be In
By Nose:
– A badger is in your pants. Those mofo’s have sharp claws.
– On stage naked when you have to urinate. People could lose their careers this way.
– Bitchslapping Mike Tyson…cover your ears!
– Having a pencil up your ass
– Standing in a pile of hippo crap. You’ve seen how much they eat. Can you imagine standing in the crap of an animal who eats aobut 400 pounds of food a day.
– If you’re a guy. Never walk into a gay bar with no pants. Some people don’t wait until they get home.
– Don’t wear butt tight pants when you go to the beach. When you have a stiffy, people are gonna know.
– Making love to a gorilla. Some of those animls weigh 2000 pounds.
– Doing doggy style to a dog. Think where that thing has been.
–
By Holmes:
– Bending over in a Prison Shower Room…Welcome to Anal Penetration 101, your going to feel like your shitting backwards.
– In a Port-o-potty while it’s rolling down a hill…the toilet is going to be shitting on you
– Drinking Coca-Cola in a Pepsi plant…HOW COULD YOU!
–
By The typical Aussie bloke:
– Taking a shit in a really old outback dunnycan that hasn’t been washed in 50 years. Imagine all the crabs on the dunny seat and the crusty shit stains ewwwwwww!!!
– Being tackled by John Hopoate during a Rugby League footy match. You know what John (BROWN FINGERS) Hopoate likes to do to footy players on the opposite team, especially when they are wearing really stubby footy shorts!
– Being a beer swilling yobbo at a local pub that has no beer. Yobbos can’t survive without beer!
– Thrown in a prison cell with nothing but a “Richie Benaud’s Autobiography” book. Now THAT’s boring!
– Being a little Aussie kid chanting “USA! USA! USA!” at the Melborune AFL Aussie Rules footy match. I guess the kid has been watching too much Simpsons episodes and doesn’t know that the Australian chant is “Aussie Aussie Aussie!!! Oi Oi Oi!!!”
– Some bastard pulling a prank on you by putting dark gooey shit to an empty Vegemite jar and passing it off to you as Vegemite. When you spread it on toast and eat it you’ll be chucking up in the dunny.
– Being the janitor cleaning a passenger jet after a shitfaced footy team has been on it. When a footy team gets pissed on a few slabs of VB, they will not care where they decide to hang a piss so there will be urine flowing down the aisle of the plane.
– Getting smacked hard in the K-nackers with a cricket ball when playing cricket with your mates. OWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLL that would hurt!!!!! Cricket balls are SOOOOOOOO HARD!!!!!
– Having a wedgy up your bumcrack while you’re in the bloke’s change room. All the blokes would think you’re wearing a G-string.
– Some bugger filling the tray of your Holden Kingswood ute with polyfiller. You won’t be able to transport any beer slabs or your pisstank yobbo pub mates around.
Joke #5455
Q: What has two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog!
Joke #5422
Q: What did the dog say when it sat down on sandpaper?
A: Ruff, ruff
Joke #5203: Indian Names
One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names?
The dad answers, “Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees…Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?”
How To Be a Squackle Hobo
1. Lose or get kicked out of your house, or don’t. Its more authentic and makes you look more believable that you are homeless. Make sure you have a few sets of your favorite run-down and smelly clothing with you to change into.
2. Get lots of cardboard and a pack of markers that are all black
3. Jog to your nearest freeway enterance or exit, highly populated area where there are lots of people willing to spend money, or right outside a McDonalds, with your supplies.
4. Write some stuff on the cardboard from this list:
- Will work for smoothies
- FART! Give me money!
- A penny for my thoughts?
- Can i go home with you?
- Help! I can’t read or write!
- Don’t you feel sorry for me?
- MONEY!
- Donations right here!
- Oh no!!! BSB are coming to town! Give me money so I can get out of this cursed land!
- Burp!
- AOL got me here!
- Just toss anything, that I can use at me, please!
- Hell – why lie? I need a drink
5. Hold up your signs so people can see you and feel sorry for you and probably give you money or anything else they feel like giving you. WARNING: This may include a few gun shots in the leg, so have a first aid kit, and make a new sign saying “i was shot in the leg! help me! give me money!”
6. If another hobo is there, move to another location, it would just be mean if you were there too, taking his customers…unless he invites you to stay.
7. If possible, borrow or buy a dog or cat and have it with you at all times. People will feel sorry for you more if you have a pet.
8. Do not drink a Starbucks or have anything really expensive looking with you while you’re on the job, people will think you’re fine and not give you money, or think your fine and steal everything you got from you. You should get things from McDonalds only, Who wouldn’t feel sorry for you then?
11. In just a few decades, you’ll be rich! Keep waving those signs, you Squackle Hobos!
zamchick
zamchick – v. to kidnap a dog’s turd
wASSom
wASSom – n. dog shit.
Ex. You’re a pile of wASSom.