I’ll tell you what kind of luck I have. The only time my pet cat comes home is to have kittens.
Tag Archives: cat
Joke #12567
Did you hear about the poodle who was so rich that his master hired a mutt to chase cats for him?
Joke #12389
After reading a good-night story to her 5-year-old daughter, the mother asked, “Where did the three little kittens find their mittens?”
The girl answered, “In the Yellow Pages?”
Dave’s Notes: Come and Have Fun
There’s this cat, right. And he likes to harass this mouse, see. And there is a pending lawsuit from said mouse to this cat for his constant harassment. This cat is like a bible basher, but worse. He’s a murderer.
The cat is listening to his Def Leppard tunes and getting a tan outside the mouse’s house. But as to not feel like a complete and total loser, he beckons the house to come out of the mouse. Or, rather the mouse to come out of the mouse. It’s all supposed to rhyme or something, but really, its all just pretty terrible.
Since the mouse is a pasty gray mouse, he dotes on the idea of getting a tan in the sun with the cat. But the mouse comes to the conclusion that since the cat is a murdering sociopath and opts to err on the side of caution and not play with the cat. Or his ball that he magically made appear out of nowhere.
So, the impoverished mouse goes back into his mouse hole and lights a barrel on fire to keep warm. He cooks some soup over the barrel and keeps getting harassed by the cat. Then the cat leaves, to seemingly go and masturbate in a corner somewhere as he thought about murdering the mouse.
Instead of being a smart mouse and staying inside and not caring about what the hell the cat is doing, the mouse wonders where the cat is, while just around the corner, the cat waited, erect with anticipation.
Then the mouse decided it was a good idea to go get a prostitute at this very moment because he had nothing else better to spend his life savings of cheese on and left his house thinking the cat didn’t see him. But the cat did, so in a murderous rampage, the cat chased the mouse around the house, breaking some stupid lady’s vase and tearing up a chair’s skirt. Along the way, the bird was molested by the cat and had relationship problems for the rest of his life.
The mouse hid behind the chair then taunted the cat as he was fondling the bird. The cat chased after the mouse again and then along the way the cat pissed into the fish’s bowl. Whoever owned this cat sure like to buy a lot of pets that this cat would want to kill. Seriously, what cat owner has a bird, a fish, AND a mouse?
The mouse ran back into his house and then taunted the cat to get inside the small hole. To which, the stupid cat tried to shove his face inside, but lo and behold, the cat couldn’t fit his stupid face inside. So he tries to shove his tail inside, like that would do any better.
The mouse taunts the cat with earl gray tea. Too bad they can’t sip tea over the fire he’s got going in his little house. So the cat asks the mouse to come out and give him tea, but the mouse won’t so he sits in his little chair and drinks tea from a bowl and eats his cheesecake. Then the mouse made a sign and put it in his yard that says “NO CATS.”
Then the mouse suffocated due to carbon monoxide inhalation, cause he lit a fire in his house for hours on end and didn’t think it was a good idea to have a proper ventilation shaft installed in his mouse hole.
Joke #11858
Q: How do scaredy-cats answer the phone?
A: Yellow?
Joke #11731
Q: What color did the cat paint her house?
A: “Puuuurrrr”ple
Joke #11714
Q: What did the Martian say when the cat got run over by a steam roller?
A: Nothing. He just stood there with a long puss.
Joke #11415
Sister: Aw, you’re a baby. You’re afraid to go upstairs in the dark by yourself!
Brother: I am not!
Sister: Yes, you are. Fraidy cat! Fraidy cat!
Brother: I am not afraid. You come up with me and see!
curalgo
curalgo – v. to pour ketchup on a gift and feed it to your cat
Silly Signs
– Sign in King Arthur’s court: Sign up now for knight school.
– Sign in speech class: No silence allowed.
– Sign in a cafeteria in Holland: Mothers, please wash your Hans before eating.
– Sign in the headquarters of the 7th Cavalry: Custer blew the Little Big Horn
– Sign in a flight school: No crash courses given here.
– Sign in the office of a hippie dermatologist: Give me some skin, man!
– Sign in a sign-language class: Please talk with your hands.
– Sign in a theater: Shakespeare married an Avon lady.
– Sign in medical school: Orthopedists get all the breaks.
– Sign in a doctor’s office: If you’re not completely satisfied with our cure, your disease cheerfully refunded.
– Sign in a crook’s hideout: Warning! The police are armed and dangerous.
– Sign near a frozen lake along a historical route: George Washington slipped here.
– Sign in a doctor’s office: An apple a day is bad for business.
– Sign in a realtor’s office: Give me land, lots of land, and I’ll build condominiums and make a fortune.
– Sign in a beauty salon: W work so hard that we’ll even dye for you!
– Sign in a sleazy cafeteria: Our silverware is not medicine – don’t take it after eating!
– Sign in a garden: Beware of vegetarians!
– Sign next to a deep-fryer in a kitchen: We melt the fat away.
– Sign in a dentist’s office: Good oral hygiene is bad for business.
– Sign in a cannibal’s hut: I never met a man I didn’t like.
– Sign in a cafeteria: Shoes required to eat in the cafeteria.
Penciled-in afterthought: Socks can eat wherever they want to.
– Sign in a gymnasium: We tell you everything you always wanted to know about strength, but were too weak to ask.
– Sign in an I.R.S. office: In God we trust. Everyone else we audit.
– Sign in a beach house: Bully permit required to kick sand in the faces of 98 lb. weaklings.
– Sign in a generating plant: We have the power to make you see the light.
– Sign on a jeweler’s shop: If your watch doesn’t tick, tock to us.
– Sign in a funeral home: Pay or don’t die.
– Sign in front of an oceanography class: Open only to students who can keep above C-level.
– Sign in a Vassar math class: Girls, watch your figures.
– Sign in an Italian class: Speak Italian, but don’t talk with your hands.
– Sign in a new math class: In here, we follow the liter.
– Sign in an old-age home: We’re not deaf. We just heard everything worth hearing already.
– Sign in a post office: Postal workers are sissies. They can’t even lick stamps.
– Sign on the door of a fencing school: Back in one hour — out to lunge.
– Sign on the screen (during intermission of a killer bee movie): Don’t leave. This is only the calm before the swarm.
– Sign in a tailor’s shop: I am a man of the cloth.
– Sign in a witches’ coven: We came. We saw. We conjured.
– Sign in a chicken coop: Caution. Fowl language spoken here.
– Sign in a Pawnbroker’s shop: See us at your earliest inconvenience.
– Sign in the window of a store: Our Going Out of Business sale was such a success, we’re having another one next month.
– Sign in a prison biology class: Study your cells.
– Sign on a pet store for a litter of dachshund pups: Get a long little doggie.
– Sign on a pet store for an opossum: A peticularly good possumbility.
– Sign on a pet store for an Angora rabbit: A rare bit of company.
– Sign on a pet store for Siamese kittens: Take both — they’re attached to each other.
– Safety Sign in a Karate cooking class: Wok, do not run.
– Sign for “The King of the Jungle Moving Company”: We Don’t Take Your Move Lion Down
– Sign in a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for me with 16 and 17 necks.
– Sign in the window of an Oregon general store: Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?
– Sign in a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
– Sign on a Tennessee highway: Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
– On a safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket: If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member.
– Sign in a shop in Maine: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
– Sign on a delicatessen wall: Our best is none too good.
– Sign in a cocktail lounge in Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
– Sign in a city restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.
– Sign in a Japanese hotel: “You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.”
– Sign in the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
– From a menu from Poland: Salad a firm’s own make; Limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; Roasted duck let loose; Beef rashers beaten in the country people’s fashion.
– Sign in a Hong Kong Supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
– From the “Soviet Weekly:” There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
– Sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to Moscow, you are welcome to it.
– Sign in a laundry in Rome: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
quelat
quelat – n. a cat fight (with knives involved) in a plane going down in flames
piaro
piaro – n. a cat that can use silverware
The Rock
The rock broke the window
Sunny misses his old friends
My sister has told a terrible lie
Our cat worried the bird
Joke #9300: Funeral for a Friend
Little Tim was in the garden filling a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?”
“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”
The neighbor said, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it Tim?”
Tim patted down the last heap of earth, and then replied, “That’s because he’s still inside your stupid cat.”
Joke #9005
Q: What does Christmas have to do with a cat in a desert?
A: They both have sandy claws.
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Another version of this joke:
Q: What do you call a cat that likes to dig in the sand?
A: Sandy Claws!