Guides

How to Make Dalek Stew

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1 – find a Dalek
2 – exterminate it before it exterminates you
3 – open the head hatch and pull the hideous Kaled mutant out
4 – cut and dice the mutant into meaty chunks
5 – put the diced Kaled chunks back into the Dalek shell
6 – pour 5 litres of water in
7 – chop up lots of vegetables and throw them in
8 – add salt and pepper with a hint of chilli powder
9 – add a hint of beer
10 – add 2 litres of gravy
11 – put the Dalek shell containing the Dalek stew onto a large gas stove and heat it at 250 degrees celsius for 3 hours
12 – open up the hatch, grab some bowls and a ladle and serve yourself and your mates Dalek stew
13 – EAT EAT EAT Cheesy Cheesy Cheesy

This is a Dalek:

(C) Song Parodies, Poetry and Songs

Portaloo

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Parody of “Waterloo” by ABBA.

————————-

Well well, at camp we were in need of a portable toilet
Oh yeah, it is illegal to piss and shit in the bushes
So we called up Go Hire
To hire a portalooooooooooooooo

Portaloo – me and my mates were busting to go
Portaloo – our bowels and bladders were totally full
Portaloo – we couldn’t hold off we needed to go
Portaloo – we rang Go Hire to get us one
Portaloo – finally here comes the truck with a portaloo

Well well, we were about to shit and piss ourselves
Oh yeah, we scrambled to get in first and had a fight
And who got in first
It was me and I let it all flyyyyyyyyyyy

Portaloo – me and my mates were busting to go
Portaloo – our bowels and bladders were totally full
Portaloo – we couldn’t hold off we needed to go
Portaloo – we scrambled to get in and had a fight

And who got in first
It was me and I let it all flyyyyyyyyyyy

Portaloo – me and my mates were busting to go
Portaloo – our bowels and bladders were totally full
Portaloo – we couldn’t hold off we needed to go
Portaloo – the last one to get in shit and pissed himself
Portaloo – it was full and reeked of shit

Guides

How to Make Dalek Juice

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1 – find a Dalek
2 – exterminate it before it exterminates you
3 – open the head hatch and shove a blender in
4 – blend the Kaled mutant inside until it’s completely juiced
5 – add lots of sugar
6 – ad yeast
7 – throw in some hops
8 – store the Dalek in a cold dark basement for 6 months so it ferments
9 – after fermenting carbonate the juice
10 – shove a long straw into its eye-piece
11 – DRINK DRINK DRINK Cheesy Cheesy Cheesy

This is a Dalek:

(C) Song Parodies, Poetry and Songs

Let There Be Crocks

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Parody of “Let There Be Rock” by AC/DC.

—————————

In the beginning back in the 1970s
Man didn’t know much about bush survival
Nor wrestling crocs
Steve Irwin was only a kid
Les Hiddins finished serving Vietnam war
Both didn’t know what their future was
But Harry Butler had the news
He said-

“Let there be bush” and there was bush
“Let there be outback” and there was outback
“Let there be bush tucker” and there was bush tucker
“Let there be snakes” and there was snakes
“Let there be crocs”

And it came to pass
That bush survival and croc wrestling was born
All across Australia Steve’n’Les
were trekking in the bush
Les Hiddins became Bush Tucker Man
Steve Irwin became Crocodile Hunter
And they both became TV stars
And got really rich
There were 15 million crocodiles
For Steve Irwin to wrestle
And plenty of bush tucker for Les Hiddins
And this is what they had to say

“Let there be bush”
“Outback”
“Bush tucker”
“Snakes”
“Arrrrrrrrrrrgggghhhhhhhh let there be crocs”

One day out in the bush Les found some bush tucker
There was a tree full of witchetty grubs and he ate them all
Steve said “CRIKEY” when found a lagoon of crocs
He wrestled them all yelled out loud

“Let there be crooooooooooooooooooooooocks”

(C) Song Parodies, Poetry and Songs

I’m Too Yobbo

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Parody of “I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred

——————————-

I’m too chauvinistic for my wife, too chauvinistic for my wife
My wife’s gonna leave me
I’m too fat for my stubby shorts, too fat for my stubby shorts
I have plumbers crack
And I’m too pissed to get out of the pub, too pissed to get out of the pub
That’s where I normally stay
And I’m too lazy to have a bath, to lazy to have a bath
I smell of fart and sweat

I’m yobbo, I live on beer and pies
And I love watchin’ footy on TV
Yeah on TV, on TV
I love watchin’ footy on TV

I’m too large for my singlet, too large for my singlet
So large my gut is hanging out
And I’m too lazy to get a job, too lazy to get a job
I bludge on the dole

I’m an yobbo, I wear singlet stubbies and thongs
And I live in the outback of Australia
Yeah the outback of Australia, the outback of Australia
My house is a tin shack in the outback of Australia

I’m too pissed for my, too lazy for my, too smelly for my

‘Cos I’m a yobbo, I drive a Kingswood ute
It is rusty and drive like a bomb
Yeah like a bomb, like a bomb
My ute is rusty and drives like a bomb

I’m too blokey for my mates, too blokey for my mates
I have a thickest Australian accent
I’m too chauvinistic for my wife, too chauvinistic for my wife
My wife’s gonna leave
And I’m too yobbo for this song

Lame Chat Rooms, Chat Logs

cat brian

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Burnsy 618=Brian
my cat= Brian

oh my god i couldnt even talk
————————-

f roy 132: oh god my cats awake again

DustBuster400: DRUG IT

f roy 132: shes still walking silly

f roy 132: poor kitty

DustBuster400: pussy pussy pussy

Kocopelli8: mmmm…pussy

Burnsy 618 has entered the room.

f roy 132: SICKO!

Burnsy 618: ?

Burnsy 618: what did i do?

Aprilimania: f roy 132: poor kitty

DustBuster400: pussy pussy pussy

Kocopelli8: mmmm…pussy

f roy 132: not you

DustBuster400: MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS

f roy 132: haha

Burnsy 618: okay………

Kocopelli8: DIE!!!!

DustBuster400: AS YOUR ATTORNEY I ADVISE YOU TO SHUT UP

f roy 132: my cat?!

Burnsy 618: i never knew you could be thta scary dusty

Kocopelli8: hahahaha

Kocopelli8: As your client, I advise you to tell me to shut the fuck up!

DustBuster400: no

Kocopelli8: well than fuck you!!

Burnsy 618: no fuck YOU

f roy 132: the future balahlabblah hmm hmm hmmm HMM HMMMHMHM

Kocopelli8: hahahHA my sister finally noticed my “swearing problem”

DustBuster400: uh oh brian

Burnsy 618: haha

f roy 132: your sister

f roy 132: aw

Burnsy 618: haha

f roy 132: my cat has a drug problem

Burnsy 618: wittle conwad has a sister

Kocopelli8: hahashaha

Kocopelli8: like you

Kocopelli8: your cat takes after you quite a bit

DustBuster400: uh oh brian

f roy 132: yea

Burnsy 618: what?

f roy 132: like adam

Burnsy 618: haha

DustBuster400: not you brian the cat brian mind your own business

Burnsy 618: ok

Kocopelli8: hahaha

Kocopelli8: Dusty

f roy 132: OMG

Kocopelli8: you’re so mean

f roy 132: AHHHHHHHH

Kocopelli8: and god-like

DustBuster400: haha i know i love you brian

Kocopelli8: let’s all bow down to Dusty

Burnsy 618: eew

DustBuster400: not you brian the cat brian

DustBuster400: GOD

Burnsy 618: no thanks

Kocopelli8: GOODNESS

DustBuster400: haha

Burnsy 618: well how the hell am i supposed to know

Burnsy 618: jeez

StarWarMax: hahahaa

StarWarMax: best convo since brian entered

Burnsy 618: oh yeah

Kocopelli8: brian the cat?

StarWarMax: not you brian the cat

Burnsy 618: haha convo

DustBuster400: hahahahah

Burnsy 618: fuck

Kocopelli8: GOD

Kocopelli8: my sister is so dumb, and so is Brian

Aprilimania: treated

Burnsy 618: fuck you conrad

Kocopelli8: not you brian, the cat brian

DustBuster400: NOT YOU BRIAN THE CAT

Kocopelli8: the drug addict

f roy 132: oh my god

DustBuster400: as your attonery i advise you to give me a high five

Burnsy 618: who are you to call anyone a drug addict conrad?

Kocopelli8: HIGH FIVE

Kocopelli8: well

Kocopelli8: I’m not a drug addict

Kocopelli8: or a cat

Burnsy 618: you have fucking pcp for breakfast

Kocopelli8: so THERE

DustBuster400: conrads never touched a drug in his live

DustBuster400: life

f roy 132: aw

Burnsy 618: how would you know this?

DustBuster400: because i give him peer pressure all the time

Burnsy 618: o

Burnsy 618: ok

Burnsy 618: whatever

DustBuster400: as your attonery i advise you to break into that eether

DustBuster400: brian your ever so lovable (not the cat)

Kocopelli8: MAXDT

Kocopelli8: send Erica a copy of To Impost

–

(he asked me in an IM if there was a brian the cat and i couldnt say YES so i said NO)

–

Burnsy 618: there is no brian the cat

DustBuster400: HAHAHHA

DustBuster400: oh boy

Burnsy 618: hahahahahaha

Kocopelli8: HAHAHAHAHA

DustBuster400: so gullable to

Kocopelli8: oh boy

Kocopelli8: no cat brian

Kocopelli8: HA

Burnsy 618: HA yourself

Kocopelli8: HA

Kocopelli8: HAHA

Burnsy 618: bioooooooooooooooooooooooooootch

DustBuster400: HA

StarWarMax: HA

Stupid IMs, Chat Logs

#8553: JeRzIe GaL12 -> stimpyismyname

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JeRzIe GaL12: hey

stimpyismyname: whos this

stimpyismyname: bah, get a life

JeRzIe GaL12: the girl u just talked on coke

JeRzIe GaL12: u dont rem

stimpyismyname: oh

stimpyismyname: yeah right

JeRzIe GaL12: im chinwebaby12

stimpyismyname: ok

JeRzIe GaL12: accept

stimpyismyname: why

stimpyismyname: no thats crayzay

JeRzIe GaL12: y

JeRzIe GaL12: so wat u like in agirl

stimpyismyname: i like her to have big tits and be a slut

stimpyismyname: hows that

Stupid IMs, Chat Logs

#8552: SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u -> SR71 Steve

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SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: huh?

SR71 Steve: DON’T TALK SHIT!

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: about who?

SR71 Steve: You know who…….

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: no i dont!!

SR71 Steve: …..Jeez, are you like high?

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: no

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: i jsut have no clue wha ur talking bout

SR71 Steve: Cause i think it’s pretty obvious what i’m talkin about

SR71 Steve: stoned?

SR71 Steve: drunk?

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: no im not a druggie?

SR71 Steve: just plain stupid?

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: no im not drunk

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: where da hell r u from

SR71 Steve: Mexico.

SR71 Steve: Mine english is no so good, so exuse please.

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: oh

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: yea ok

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: who is this

SR71 Steve: Juan.

SR71 Steve: who the hell are you?

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: no one but wha r u talking bout

SR71 Steve: Andrew.

SR71 Steve: He’s a racist sonofabitch.

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: andrew…ten y ya sn say steve?

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: wait!!

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: stop ur confusing me

SR71 Steve: cause my boyfriends name is steven

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: i htought u were juan!!!

SR71 Steve: the white devil could never understand the complex mind of a mexican.

SR71 Steve: I am

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: ur gay?

SR71 Steve: your friend andrew was racist to me, and i want an apology

SR71 Steve: and if i am?

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: wait andrew who?

SR71 Steve: the racist bastard that IMed me yesterday.

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: umm i kno 4 andrews a last name would help

SR71 Steve: I’m asking all of the people in his profile why he’s such a racist bastard

SR71 Steve: he does give good head tho

SR71 Steve: not as good as steve, but ya know

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: wait r u a guy?

SR71 Steve: and if i am?

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: idk im owndering

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: but whas this “andrew”s sn?

SR71 Steve: I can’t be bothered to remember

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: yea ok!!

SR71 Steve: you’re not answering my question

SR71 Steve: i gusse all his friends are racist homophobes as well

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: wha ?

SR71 Steve: ………why is andrew such a racist bastard?

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: adrew who

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: andrew*

SR71 Steve: i dunno, i try to forget the names of racist bastards so i don’t send my homies to pop a cap in thier ass

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: oh then i cant help ya

SR71 Steve: racist

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: im not racist

SR71 Steve: always tryin to rape my woman

SR71 Steve: and pillage my sheep

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: i htought u were gay

SR71 Steve: so did i, but then i met jessica

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: ok

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: where jessica from

SR71 Steve: but then you’re racist friend andrew raped her and pillaged her sheep

SR71 Steve: iowa

SR71 Steve: just like me

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: iowa has farms?

SR71 Steve: yeah it does

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: U SAID UR FROM MEXICO!!!

SR71 Steve: yeah, originaly

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: wow!! im so confused!!

SR71 Steve: is it agaisnt the law to move without telling the governmet or something?

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: no

SR71 Steve: most white devil’s are

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: but ur confusing me shitless

SR71 Steve: how can that be? white devils are made of shit.

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: im white?

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: i mean im a devil?

SR71 Steve: as are all you white devils who rape my woman

SR71 Steve: greedy bastards, can’t just settle for white pussy.

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: i dont like woman

SR71 Steve: so you’re gay too?

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: no im a girl ‘n i like boys

SR71 Steve: HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!

SR71 Steve: you’re a girl?

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: yea

SR71 Steve: no fucking way

SR71 Steve: you’re so masculine

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: u live in iowa how da fuck do u kno who i am

SR71 Steve: i used to live in iowa

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: stoop hcanging ya story!!

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: wha do i look like?!!

SR71 Steve: i’m not changing my story

SR71 Steve: i used to be gay untill jessica, altho i did like getttin head for andrew

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: wha do i like look?

SR71 Steve: i was born in mexico, moved to iowa where my wife was raped

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: how old r u?

SR71 Steve: then moved to whereever the hell it is i am now

SR71 Steve: i’m too damn high to realize waht the fuck is going on

SR71 Steve: 12

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: ‘n u had a wife!!

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: gosh u r really wqeird

SR71 Steve: least i’m not a white devil

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: whos a white devil

SR71 Steve: and i don’t use bullshit words like wqeird

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: oh weird**

SR71 Steve: what the fuck does wqeird mean anyways?

SR71 Steve: yeah, it is weird that you’d use a bullshit word like that

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: thanx

SR71 Steve: jesus, you are too fucking odd

——————————————————————————–

Auto response from SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: omg im so confsued!!! call
me 7950384

-xo-

——————————————————————————–

SR71 Steve: stupid bitch, there’s nothing to be confused about

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: who u r

SR71 Steve: juan

SR71 Steve: i thought we went over this

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: i kno but andrew who

SR71 Steve: my name isn’t andrew

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: i kno

SR71 Steve: britany, you stupid slut

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: britany? who britany?

SR71 Steve: that’s what you said you name was

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: no i nvr told u my name!!

SR71 Steve: yeah you did

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: WHO IS ANDREW THAT HAS GIVEN U HEAD?!

SR71 Steve: SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: my name is britany

SR71 Steve: don’t you fucking remember that?\

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: yea ok!!

SR71 Steve: or were you lying?

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: if my name was britany then y da fuck is my sn

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: so now you’re a lying racist homophobe white bastard

SR71 Steve: figured it was your gf

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: im straight!!!

SR71 Steve: it’s common in mexico to name you’re sn after your loved one

SR71 Steve: suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: im not from mexico

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: so y da hell would i do that?

SR71 Steve: i dunno, people named britany are pretty damn stupid most of the time

SR71 Steve: and you’re proving the theory

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: my name is alexis, my nickname is lexi, everyone calls me lexi, no my name isnt britany

SR71 Steve: then why the fuck did you lie to me?

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: i didnt!!

SR71 Steve: bullshit

SR71 Steve: SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: my name is britany

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: thats bullshit!!

SR71 Steve: hey, are you as turned on as i am?

SR71 Steve: YOU’RE BULLSHIT!

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: im really confused if thats wha u mean by turned on!!

SR71 Steve: are you aroused like i am?

SR71 Steve: my pussy is so wet

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: u have a pussy ‘n ur a guy

SR71 Steve: since when?

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: u said ur a guy

SR71 Steve: nope

SR71 Steve: i siad i was gay and had boyfriends

SR71 Steve: got a problem with it?

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: u siad ur juan, gay mesn u like guys!! so ur a guy!!!

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: then u just said somehting bout ur pussy, WHEN UR A GUY

SR71 Steve: juan is a nickname

SR71 Steve: just like lexi is

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: sure it is

SR71 Steve: short for jaunita

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: no its not!!

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: thats bullshit!!

SR71 Steve: i’m the butch in the relationship

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: ok so who is ur boyfriend

SR71 Steve: John.

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: no u said steve!!!

SR71 Steve: yeah, he’s just a little side thing

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: omg!!

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: ur terrible

SR71 Steve: no, just a slut like yourself

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: how am i a slut

SR71 Steve: but back to the issue, is your dick as hard as mine is right now?

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: u jsut said u had a pussy

SR71 Steve: no i didn’t

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: ‘n no i dont have a dick

SR71 Steve: you can’t prove shit

SR71 Steve: ………..sure

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: SR71 Steve: my pussy is so wet

SR71 Steve: you made that up!

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: no

SR71 Steve: bitch!

SR71 Steve: whore

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: im not a bitch!!

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: stop!!

SR71 Steve: oh man, my nipples are gettin hard.

——————————————————————————–

Auto response from SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: im gonne kill someone if
this is his friend!!

——————————————————————————–

SR71 Steve: this is so damn sexy

SR71 Steve: this is so damn sexy

SR71 Steve: fine then, be a bitch

SR71 Steve: oh yeah, you like getting warned don’t you bitch!

SR71 Steve: it just turns you on!

SR71 Steve: hey now, no need for that!

SR71 Steve: the fuck did i do to you?

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: wha did i do to

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: u

SR71 Steve: you wouldn’t answer my damn question

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: wha question

SR71 Steve: and called me a guy when i’m a girl

SR71 Steve: that hurts

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: im sorry

SR71 Steve: why anderw was such a racist bastard

SR71 Steve: eat me to make up for it

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: idk y he is

SR71 Steve: well i do

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: y is he

SR71 Steve: that’s what i’m asking?

SR71 Steve: this is going nowhere, you obviously are just another prude racist lying white devil whosse only skill is sucking cock

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: hoiw can i b prude if i suck cock?

SR71 Steve: good point

SR71 Steve: alright, in any case i’m done fucking you

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: who r u?

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: can u tell me now?

SR71 Steve: andrew

SR71 Steve:

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: andrew….

SR71 Steve: to bad you didn’t defend me, now i think you’re a bitch

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: OMG IM ONNE KILL U!!

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: idk wha andrew u were talking bout!!!

SR71 Steve: i am andrew

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: i kno

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: but i kno 4 andrews os i didnt kno wha andrew was being “racist sonofabitch”

SR71 Steve: me, i was trying to get you to defend me

SR71 Steve: you obviously didn;t

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: if i knew wha andrew i would of stuck up 4 u!!!

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: IM SORRY!!

SR71 Steve: sorry isn’t good enogh!

SeXiELeXi2FiNe4u: lol

Poetry and Songs, (C) Song Parodies

Motel Mexicana

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Parody of “Hotel California” by The Eagles.

–

In a dark musty hallway,a few friends standing there,
Worn shells of fajitas-lying under a chair..
I bumped my head on the big vents,
and watched  the shattering lights..
My hombre said he & his ride moved in-
Their cab had dropped out of sight….

Pepe stood in the doorway..
He smelled like Taco Bell..
And I was drinking by myself
My seagram’s seven and a fifth of cheap ale..

Said he hit up a vandal,and he owed me my pay
There were pesos down his corduroys..
He  robbed his work that day..

Welcome to the Motel Mexicana
Just a grubby place…(just a grubby place)
Such an ugly place..

There’s plenty of gloom at the Motel Mexicana-
Any kind of beer,you can buy it here..

The wine is simply unfit it’s-
Not for your eighty friends..
We knocked a lot of greedy,greedy boys..
Then we  paid rent.

Howie glanced at the floor:”Are,
theeeeeeeeese summer ants?”
Jose said:”no remember.”
Juan said:”I forget..”

So I called to the fat man:
“Pleeeeeeeease bring me more lime..”
He said:”We haven’t had that citrus here since,
Fried beans hit the sign..”

And grilled ‘ole oysters were falling
From Carlo’s tray..
They shake you up in the middle of the night-
Just to hurl away..

Welcome to the Motel Mexicana
Just a grubby place..(such a grubby place)
Such an ugly place…(ugly place)

They piggin’ it up at the Motel Mexicana
Lotta mice ….surprise!
They sing you lullabies…

Roaches on the ceiling..
They drink my warm Bud Ice..
The flea bed-
And my guitar keep me prisoner here..
With my spanish rice.

And in the bathroom chamber,
They’d rather horde in peace..
I grab them but they run for their life..
But you just can’t kill these fleas!!

That Spring I remember..
This guy was,spraying down my door..
Had I the mind,had I turned my back,
My face-they’d have gnawed to the floor..
“Step back,” said the bug man..
“We are now going to leave..
Make your check out anyway you like..
Just make it out to me…”

Prank IMs, Stupid IMs, Chat Logs

#8550: Jessie -> StageDive3k

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Jessie: where did it go?

StageDive3k: what

StageDive3k: who are u

Jessie: ..hmm…

Jessie: where did it go though?

StageDive3k: what are u talkin about where did what go

Jessie: the sheep…..I know it’s around here…..it’s gonna eat me

Jessie: please you’ve gotta help me…

Jessie: I can hear it laughing at me baaaaa baaaaa

StageDive3k signed off at 11:04:35 PM.

Chat Logs, Stupid IMs, Prank IMs

#8549: Jessie -> Holic1299

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Jessie: I am lost. Will you help me find my way?

Holic1299: who are you?

Jessie: I hit my head on a tree branch and can’t remember who I am.

Holic1299: very funny

Jessie: I find nothing funny about that

Holic1299: who the hell are ya?

Holic1299: I have no time for jokes like that now

Jessie: I’m not joking I reallly did hit my head and can’t remember who I am…..*cries* oh no the birds are gonna peck my skull again

Holic1299: oh yeah

Holic1299: so why did ya chose to contact me then :rolleyes:

Jessie: because I thought you might know the directions to the gingerbread house.

Holic1299: goodbye

Jessie: don’t leave…

Jessie: It’s all your fault I’m stuck in the wilderness anyways…if you wouldn’t have eaten the bread crumbs I threw on the ground I wouldn’t be lost….

Holic1299 signed off at 6:07:59 PM.

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Fun Stuff To Do

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– Keep telling the same person that they have bad breath even if they don’t, then punch them in the face.

– Announce in a meeting that you have AIDS. Then after everyone gives you sympathy remarks tell them you were just kidding and tell them they are all a bunch of queers.

– Before a meeting, fill your mouth with custard.  Then during the meeting put one finger in the air and make like you are hocking up a big loogie. then spit the custard into a clear glass and hand it to the person next to you and say “beat that.”

– Inform a co-worker that he wouldn’t make a good hooker then piss in his coffee and tell him he needs a good ass-fucking.

– Walk around with a big smile on your face while keeping one hand down your pants.

– Answer every question with “fuck if I know” then call the person a racial slur that doesn’t even match their race.

– Brag about the fact that you own a gun and keep playing with your nuts, get them really sweaty , then walk around shaking everyone’s hand.

– Shit on the floor of your office and when someone comes in and sees it tell them that it’s the fake plastic kind.  When they try to pick it up and realize that their hand is full of shit, laugh and point.

– Run down the hall with your dick out while pissing all over the place and yell “It won’t stop!” then when it stops, look down and say “oh.”

10. ask to borrow someon’es pen. take it to the bathroom and stick it in your ass. return it and tell the person to smell it. when they tell you it smells like shit say ” it should i had it in my ass !! “

World, Screwed Up Chronicles

USA: Rose Gardens

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Another true story about the folks on my street

One day I was sitting on my porch and a woman comes up with a shovel.
She looks a bit on the crazy side,so I sit and watch to see what she’s going to do.
Looks around then starts digging up the strip of grass between the sidewalk and the street in front of my house.

My mom comes outside to see what I’m up to and sees the woman.By this time she had a nice sized hole going on and a pile of dirt in our yard.My mother freaked out and asked her what she was doing.
the shovel woman responded “My landlord wants me to plant roses in front of my house,so that’s what I’m going to do.” My mom told her to leave,and that this was our house.So the woman left without a fight.

The next day,as I was walking to school,I saw a hole dug in everyone’s yard on my street…most of them were several feet deep.She never came back to plant those roses,and all the houses have huge circles of dirt where she dug up the grass and it never grew back.