Other Junk

FAQ About Australia

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These are from potential visitors to Australia. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a snide sense of humor.

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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets, especially The Taipans.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Jokes

Joke #18442

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The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Alice deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends. So she waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself.

“Hi, I’m calling to report that Alice is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.”

Secretary at high school answered, “I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll note her absence. Who is this calling please?”

“This is my mother.”

Jokes

Joke #18441

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My friend and I joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar.

“What are the attributes of this apple,” she asked, “and how do they relate to our diet?”

“Low in calories” and “lots of fiber,” were among the answers.

She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, “Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid fifty-five cents for this candy bar?” We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat.

From in back of the room a small voice spoke up. “I’ll give you seventy-five cents for it.”

Jokes, (C) Misogyny Jokes

Joke #18440

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A well-to-do young man met a beautiful young woman at an exclusive party and was immediately smitten with her. He took her on the town and eventually to his apartment where he discovered she was not only a beautiful woman, but also well-groomed, cultured and very intelligent. Hoping to impress her, he offered her a glass of wine and asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry.

“Oh, Sherry,” she said, “by all means. To me, it’s the nectar of the Gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation.  When that gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion…

“On the other hand, Port makes me fart.”

Jokes, (C) Misogyny Jokes

Joke #18439

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My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, “Wake up, wake up!”

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

“There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they’re eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.”

“That’ll teach them!” I replied.

Jokes

Joke #18438

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A Bedouin wandering in the Sahara happened upon an American dressed in a bathing suit, flip-flops, a big, over-sized t-shirt and sunglasses.

The Bedouin gazed at him in amazement, “What are you doing all the way out here dressed like that!?”

“I’m going swimming,” the tourist explained.

“But the ocean is eight hundred miles away,” the Arab informed him.

“Eight hundred miles!” the American exclaimed with a whistle of appreciation. “Boy, what a beach!”

Jokes

Joke #18437

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It was a full auditorium. Halfway through the author’s talk, she began to feel sick. In a calm voice, she announced that she had left a few pages of her speech offstage, in her bag.

She walked off slowly and, as soon as she was out of sight, ran to the bathroom where she immediately threw up.

She was just about finished when someone came into the bathroom to tell her that her lapel mic was still on.

Lists

Things You’ll Never Hear In A Western Movie

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“I reckon I’ll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!”

“Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let’s draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution.”

“Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys room.”

“Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!”

“Y’know, Badlands Pete… a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you ‘n’ me… what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?”

“Let’s see… hardtack and pemmican… that’s three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches.”

“You ‘n’ Slim round up them strays, and I’ll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue.”

“That’s him! That’s the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!”

“He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration.”

“Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?”

“It’s like I keep tellin’ ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge.”

“HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! …Okay, now a little to the left…..Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!”

Jokes

Joke #18434

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While visiting my mother in the hospital, I stopped in the cafeteria for breakfast. I set a piece of bread on the moving toaster rack and waited for it to pass under the heated coils and return golden brown.

Instead, it got stuck at the back of the toaster, and I couldn’t reach it. The woman next to me in line quickly seized a pair of tongs, reached in, and fished out the piece of toast.

I joked, “You must be an emergency room worker.”

“No,” she replied with a grin. “I’m an obstetrician.”

Jokes

Joke #18433

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It’s that time of the year — the days are getting longer and the weather’s warming up. That means only one thing: time to call in sick.

Here are some actual, road-tested excuses collected in a survey from the job site careerbuilder.com

* I forgot to come back to work after lunch.
* I hurt myself bowling.
* I was spit on by a venomous snake.
* I had to be there for my husband’s grand jury trial.
* My monkey died.

Jokes, (F) Conversational Joke, (C) Misogyny Jokes

Joke #18432

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“Do you remember first meeting your wife?”

“Sure, I found Jill lying face down in the gutter. I lifted her to her feet and promised her that if she agreed to marry me, she would begin a new life and I’d never allow her near the gutter again.”

“Wow, I hope she appreciates what you did for her.”

“Not really. Jill hated to give up bowling.”

Jokes

Joke #18431

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Engineering classes at the University of Maryland are tough, and struggling students sometimes go to extremes in order to pass.

Grading exams one semester, I got to this question: “What is the relationship between kinetic and potential energy?”

One student, obviously stumped, decided to get clever and wrote, “As far as I know, they’re just friends, but there could be something else going on there.”

Jokes, (C) Racist Jokes

Joke #18430

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A New York judge is ready to go through the day’s business and he is very rushed. The first case up involves an elderly Jewish gentleman with a long beard, payos, the works.

The judge, without asking a question, says to the clerk: “Quick…get me a translator.”

Translator shows up and the judge says: “Ask him what his name is, how old is he and where does he come from?”

The translator says: “Die judge vilt vissen, vos is dein namen, vie alt bist du, and fun vie kumst du?”

The old man smiles, looks at the judge and says in perfect English with a British accent: “Your Honour. My name is Sir Chaim Ginsbug. I shall be 82 next Thursday and I’ve come from England where I hold the chair of Hebrew Philosophy at Oxford University.”

The translator turns to the judge and says: “Ehr zukt, ehr is Sir Chaim Ginsburg, ehr is tzwei und achtzig yur alt, und ehr is, mit sach Yiddish philisoph, areingekummen fun Oxford.”