This guy is hanging out in his living room when his daughter comes in. She says “Daddy, why am I named Violet?”
“Because a violet landed on your head when you were born,” he says.
Violet says “oh,” and leaves.
Then, his second daughter comes in and she asks “Daddy, why am I named Rose?”
He says “Because a rose landed on your head when you were born.
She says “oh,” and leaves.
Then, his third daughter comes in and says “Koooojmuquishlawnkk!”
He says “Be quiet, Cinder Block!”
When a friend had her third baby in four years, I volunteered to keep the older two overnight. One night turned into several, and I was running out of supplies. I asked my husband to go over and get some things from my friend’s husband.
“Did he give you everything?” I asked later.
“Yes,” my husband said, grinning. “A box of diapers, two sacks of clothing and the children’s birth certificates.”
One day three guys (Dave, Ryan, & Mark) were driving down to Florida for spring break when they get pulled over for speeding. The cop is a woman, and she looks at the three guys and says “I’ll tell you what…I don’t feel like writing up a report today, so if you boys can show me 20 inches of meat, I’ll let you go.”
The guys agree and step out of the car. Dave unzips his pants and shows the cop his 10 incher. the cop says “Wow Impressive! 10 inches, almost there.” Then Ryan unzips his pants, and flashes his 7 incher. “Almost there!” and Mark unzips his pants and pulls out his 2 incher. The cop says “Well…That’s close enough. I’ll let you guys go anyway.” So she goes back to her car and drives off.
The guys get back in their car and drive off. Dave says to the other guys “Man you guys are lucky I had my 10 incher.” and Ryan says “Well you guys are lucky I had my 7 incher!” and Mark goes “Man you guys are lucky I had a boner!!”
davepoobond: HI EVERYBODY! I’ve been hard at work on the new interpretation of Squackle that will hopefully make the experience a lot better to wade through the massive amount of content I’ve got on this site. You can see my progress at https://squackle.com/ . The new blog-style format will be a lot easier for me to manage, which means more content will be posted — maybe even on a daily basis! I’ve already added all the dictionary words I intend to add from the existing dictionary. The blog site will eventually become the main Squackle.com, but fear not, the original site will be kept up for all eternity. So if you like the current format, it’ll stay like this forever, just not updated anymore.
Go now! https://squackle.com/ https://squackle.com/ https://squackle.com/
A lady had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
“My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”
“Yes officer, I’m just fine!” the woman chirped.”Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the woman began. “I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was …”
“Uh, ma’am”, the officer said, cutting her off… “there isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”
One day there was three nuns standing outside the gates of heaven waiting to get in. St. peter approached them and asked the first nun, “Do you know who the first man was on Earth?” She said, “Ummm that’s tough…Adam?”
Bells rang, angles sang, the gates opened and she walked right in.
Then St. Peter went up to the second nun and asked, “Do you know who the first woman was on Earth?” She said, “Ummmm…Eve?”
Bells rang, angles sang, the gates opened and she walked right in.
St. Peter then asked the third and last nun, “What were the first words Eve said to Adam?” The third nun said, “Hmmmmm that’s a hard one”
Bells rang, angles sang, the gates opened and she walked right in.
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”
Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.”
“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.
“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there”, answers Tom.
“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.
“Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”
“What if the phone was busy?”
“In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station”.
“What if that had been vandalized?”
“Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo”.
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”
“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”
A bartender and he was closing up for the night when he hears a knock at the door. He opened it and looked around, but saw no one. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he sees a small snail.
The snail says, “Hey Barkeep!…Can you get me a drink?”
“I’m afraid I can’t,” the bartender said. “First of all, we’re closed. And second of all, we don’t serve snails here!” With that, he picks up the snail and throws it across the street.
One week later, the same bartender was closing up for the night when again there’s a knock at the door. He opens the door but sees nobody. He looks down and sees the exact same snail from the week before.
Angrily, the snail looks up at him and yells… “What the heck did you do THAT for?!!!!!!”
A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners.
When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
“Were these dishes ever washed?” he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, “Of course they were cleaned Father.” “They’re as clean as soap and water can get them.”
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and they all started eating. The meal was delicious and he paid his compliments in spite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled – “Here Soap! Here Water!”
Two cannibals are eating dinner and one says, “I hate my mother-in-law.”
The other replies, “Well, just eat your noodles, then.”
While enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he’d like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and go back to her place.
Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. “There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry.
“Is this your husband?” he inquires nervously.
“No, silly,” she replies, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?”
“No, don’t be silly,” she says, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” demands the bewildered fellow.
Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, “That’s me before the operation.”
“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up,” said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
“Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” inquired the teacher with a sneer.
“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”
Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, “Danger! Beware of Dog” posted on the glass door.
Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”
“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.
The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”
“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”
Bill walked into his favorite dive bar, took his regular stool, looked around, and asked Louie the bartender, “Where’s Beverly the waitress?”
“She’s dead,” replied the bartender.
“Dead?”
“She died from herpes.”
“You don’t die from herpes.”
“You do if you give it to Big Louie!”
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.”
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you.”
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he’s up to 80 mph.
She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.” The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?”
The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.”
She asks, “What’s that?”
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, “I’ve got the airbag!”