Jokes, (C) Blonde Jokes

Joke #5272

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There are three girls going on a long car trip in the desert.

One has brown hair, one is a redhead, and other is a blonde. All of a sudden the car stops.

“Darn, it won’t start!” exclaims the brown haired girl.

“Okay, we’ll just have to walk across the desert to get help,” says the redhead, “So, bring anything that is necessary for survival.”

The brunette brings some water in a big bottle. The redhead bring a hand held fan, and the blonde goes over to the car and rips off the car door.

As they are walking the girls dcide to stop to take a break.

The brunette drinks some water, and the redhead turns on the little fan. The blonde rolls down the car window and says, “Ahh, now that’s better!”

Jokes, (C) Blonde Jokes

Joke #5271

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There was a blonde and a brunette watching the 6 o’ clock news. The top story was about a man on top of the Rose Hotel threatening to jump.

The brunette turns to the blonde and says, “I bet you $50 he is going to jump.”

The blonde says, “Okay, then I’ll bet he won’t.”

Sure enough, the man jumped.

When the blonde paid the brunett the brunette says, “I’m sorry but I can’t accept your money.” The blonde replies, “Sure you can. It was a fair bet, you won.” Then the brunette says, “No, I saw the 5 o’ clock news and I already knew what was going to happen.”

Then the blonde says, “Well, I saw the 5 o’ clock news too and I was sure he wouldn’t jump again!”

Jokes, (C) Blonde Jokes

Joke #5270

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Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, “If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?” The shepherd, always the gentlemen replied, “Of course.” The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, “352.”

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, “You’re right! Okay, I’ll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock.” The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, “Okay, now I have a propostition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?”

Jokes, (C) Blonde Jokes

Joke #5269

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Three Blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, “What is Easter?” The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful…”

“Wrong!” replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, “What is Easter?” The second blonde replies, “Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she’s wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, “What is Easter?” The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, “I know what Easter is.”

“Oh?” says St. Peter, incredulously.

“Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.”

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

The third blonde continued, “Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out…and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.”

Jokes, (C) Blonde Jokes

Joke #5268

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A blonde woman gets on a plane headed for Miami. The blonde woman has a coach ticket but spots an open seat in first class, so, she takes it. The flight attendant walks up and says, “I’m sorry, Miss, but you will have to go back to your seat in coach.” The blonde woman refuses, “I’m blonde, I’m a woman, and I’m staying right here.”

Then the flight attendant goes to get the captain and brings him back to the problem blonde. The captain says, “Miss, you have to go back to your seat now.” She responds with, “I’m blonde, I’m a woman, and I’m staying right here..”

Then the captain bends over and whispers something in the blonde’s ear. She then gets up and walks back to her seat in coach. The flight attendant is amazed and askes, “How did you do that?” The captain simply said, “I told her this half of the plane wasn’t going to Miami.”

Jokes, (C) Blonde Jokes

Joke #5265

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There is a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead and they are running from the police. They run into an alley.

The brunette jumps into a box, the redhead jumps behind a trash can and the blonde jumps into an old potato sack.

The cops come down the alley. They kick the box and the brunette goes “ARF ARF!!” “oh, it’s just an old dog.” the policeman says.

Then they kick the trash can and the redhead goes “MEOW!!” “oh, it’s just an old cat” the policman says.

Then they kick the potato sack and the blonde yells “POTATO POTATO POTATO!!!!!”

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Joke #5261: Little Mary

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Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school; usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?”

When Mary did not stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

“God Almighty!” shouted Mary and the teacher said, “Very good.” and Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, “Who is our Lord and Savior,” but, Mary did not even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. “Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Mary fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”

Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”

The Teacher fainted.

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Joke #5260: Do the Screw

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It’s the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in. “Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says.

 

“That’s cool,” says Bobby. Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

 

Carrie’s father responds, “Why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”

 

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie’s dad to repeat it.

 

“Oh yeah,” says Carries father, “our Carrie really loves to screw. She’d screw all night if we’d let her!”

 

Well, this makes Bobby’s eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good.

 

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

 

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: “DARN IT, DADDY! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!!!”

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Joke #5259: Hercules, Snow White & Quasimodo

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Hercules, Snow White & Quasimodo were all having lunch together.

Hercules said, “I have always thought that I’m the strongest man in the world, but how can i be sure?”

Snow White agreed, “I’m told I’m the fairest of them all, but sometimes I wonder.”

Quasimodo said, “I’m pretty sure I’m the ugliest human alive but I’ve never had it confirmed.”

They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to pray about it that night & ask God to confirm for them whether Hercules was the strongest, Snow White was the fairest & quasimodo was the ugliest. They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.

The next day Hercules walked up with a smile.

“Well, it’s true. God told me that I am the strongest man in the world.”

Snow White perked up & said, “And I now know for sure that I’m the fairest, for God confirmed it.”

But Quasimodo lifted his sad face & said. “Who is Linda Tripp?”

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Joke #5258: Fired!

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A young executive was leaving the office one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen”, said the CEO, “this is important and my assistant has left. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly”, said the young man, flattered that the CEO had asked him for help.

He turned the the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button.

“Excellent! Excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.

“I need two copies of that.”

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Joke #5257: William Shakespere

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William Shakespeare dies and goes to heaven. There he meets St. Peter, who asks him “what is your name and what were you in the past life?” Shakespeare says, “I’m William Shakespeare and I was a poet.”

At the same time, a scottish poet, Robbie Burns dies, and he goes to heaven. St. Peter asks him, “what is your name and what were you in your past life?” Burns says, “I’m Robbie Burns and I was a poet.”

St. Peter then says “well, we only have room for one poet in heaven, so we will have a contest! Whoever can write a better poem, gets in! The topic will be Timbuctoo, and you will both have one hour to complete the poems.” So after one hour, they come back, and Shakespeare goes first,

“As I walk across the golden sands, as I walk across the golden land, a great big ship comes in to view, It’s destination Timbuctoo.”

St. Peter says, “Okay, now we will hear Burns’ poem”

Burns says, “As Tim and I a walking went, we saw three damsels by a tent, as they were three and we were two, I bucked one and Tim bucked two!”

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Joke #5256: Blue Cross

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An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination whereupon the doctor said “You are in fine shape for your age, but tell me… do you still have intercourse?”

“Just a minute, I’ll have to ask my husband,” she said.

She went out to the reception room and said: ” Morris do we still have intercourse?”

Morris answered impatiently… “If I told you once I told you a thousand times…We have Blue Cross!!”