Category Archives: Films

Films written for SBC.

Squackle Broadcasting Company, Films

Squatting Tiger, Hidden Poopoo

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Cast:

Old Guy – Jerry Seinfeld

Lick My Balls – Mike Tyson

Ming – Cameron Diaz

Master Tea – Mr. T

Mrs. Pa – Jim Carrey

Fan – Marilyn Manson

Low – Macauly Culkin

Governor Pu – Arnold Schwarzenegger

Green Fox – Roseanne

Guard 1 – Michael J. Fox

Guard 2 – John Goodman

Naked Guy – Charlie Sheen

Governor Pu’s Wife – Tom Cruise

Officer – Mike Myers

Officer’s daughter – Tom Hanks

Master Bo – Ben Stein

Squatting Tiger, Hidden Poopoo(a bird is flying overhead)

(the bird poops, and falls down on the bald head of an old guy)

(the guy doesn’t know about it because he was smoking some weed in his pipe)

Old Guy: Wow! Lick My Balls is here!

(scene change to an old lady running through a Dance studio)

Mrs. Pa: Lick My Balls is here! Lick My Balls is here! I must set up his room!

Ming (sees Mrs. Pa running past): Lick My Balls? He’s here?

(Lick My Balls walks into the Dance Studio)

Lick My Balls: hello, Ming

Ming: oooh! Lick My Balls, whatever are you doing here? I thought you were training at Wudan Dance Studio!

Lick My Balls: Yes, well, a funny thing happened. While I was riverdancing, I fell into a dark cave. It smelled really bad, so I tried to get out of it with all the dance steps I had! But I could not get out! My master never told me of such a place, nor how to get out of one

Ming: and then?

Lick My Balls: I clapped my heels together with my sparkly red shoes and did a Russian Dance, then I was suddenly here, in this place thingy where you live.

Ming: You could not have come at a worst time. I have to ship some dirty hay to Pecking.

Lick My Balls: Pecking…I want you to do something for me…I want you to take the Red Destiny shoes and give them to Master Tea

(Ming is astonished)

Ming: Why would you ever do that? You deserve the Red Destiny shoes. You and them are one, and such.

Lick My Balls: the Red Destiny shoes have killed too many on my feet, to keep its red color…I cannot use them because I have retired from being a Dancer.

Ming: oh…why don’t you give it to him yourself?

Lick My Balls: I cannot. I have…other business to do

(Lick My Balls puts a shoe box onto the table near them, opening it up)

Lick My Balls: they’re pretty, eh?

Ming: yes. If you can, come to Pecking

Lick My Balls (thinking for a second): ok, I suppose

(next day)

(Ming and Old Guy roll up their wagon to the gates of Pecking, the guards forcing them to stop)

Guard 1: May I see your license and registration, please?

Ming: ok

(Ming give them to Guard 1)

(Guard 2 sees a naked guy running up to him and he whacks him in the face with his nightstick, continuing to beat him down into the dirt)

Guard 1: ok, you’re cleared

(Guard 1 gives back Ming’s things and helps Guard 2 beat down the naked guy)

Guard 2: WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING BACK!?

Naked Guy: Because, I love your sexual massages

Guard 1: nasty

(Guard 2 chucks a rock at the Naked Guy’s head)

(Naked Guy gets a concussion, and bleeds to death)

Guard 1: that’ll teach him…

(fade out)

(fade in, Ming is in Master Tea’s room)

(Ming puts the shoe box with the Red Destiny shoes on the table)

Ming: Lick My Balls presents you with these shoes, for he no longer can have them in his possession

Master Tea: such a greater dancer he is, Lick My Balls, for I cannot accept these shoes he tries to give me, for these shoes belong to him and he looks mighty sexy in them as well

(Ming doesn’t understand what he said)

Ming: Lick My Balls is going through a very hard time now, and you would take much anguish off his shoulders if you accepted it…

Master Tea: I know not what anguish is for I am just Master Tea, but it must be a bad thing so I will accept the Red Destiny shoes shoes and (shouting) PUT IT ON TOP OF THIS NICE TABLE! I HOPE NO ONE STEALS IT!

(Master Tea and Ming stay silent for a while not saying anything)

Master Tea: ….right, I’ll show you around

(Master Tea and Ming walk around until they come back to the room with the Red Destiny shoes in it)

(Fan is right in front of the Red Destiny shoebox, starting at it like a dumb bitch)

Master Tea: hey! Who the hell are you?

Fan: I am Governor Pu’s daughter, Fan

Master Tea: oh. Sorry. uhh…..bye

(Master Tea runs away)

Fan: what is your name?

Ming: my name is-

(Ming all of a sudden gets his by a doughnut)

Ming: ow! Who threw that!!?

(Ming rubs her head, where she got hit by the doughnut)

Ming: my name is Ming

Fan: oooh. Are you a dancer?

Ming: yes

Fan: do you know Lick My Balls?

Ming: yes, I’ll show you his famous Red Destiny shoes if you like

Fan: oh yes, I’d like that very much!

(the scene switches to Ming taking out the Red Destiny shoes)

Ming: its sparkling red color tells everyone its been made 500 years ago, crafted under gifted zookeepers with a special material, possibly made by the God of Special Materials. Sparkle sparkle!

Fan (amazed at the sight of the shoes): Lick My Balls’s Red Destiny shoes…he’s actually worn them?

Ming: ……..yes

Fan: I’m getting married to a man named Pou. Wish I weren’t though

Ming: oh

Fan: I must go, for some reason. I hear my parents calling

(Fan skips away)

(at night, in Fan’s room)

(Green Fox walks in, but you don’t know its Green Fox)

(Green Fox starts to make up Fan’s hair)

Green Fox: I saw you talking with that dancer, Ming. Your mother would not appreciate knowing you were conversing with her

Fan: I’ll talk with whomever I want. I’m tired, leave now or I’ll kick your fat ass

Green Fox: harsh words from a harsh man

Fan: I’m not a man!

(Green Fox leaves)

(fade out)

(fade in)

(Master Tea and Governor Pu are in the room with the Red Destiny shoes)

Master Tea: those are the Red Destiny shoes worn by Lick My Balls!

Governor Pu: wow!

(Governor Pu puts them on and pot gets smashed)

Governor Pu: Whoops

(Master Tea smacks his head)

(fade out)

(fade in, at night, with a ninja running across the courtyard where the Red Destiny shoes are)

(quietly, the ninja comes in through the window, taking the Red Destiny shoes out of it, putting them on)

(the ninja leaves the same way, quietly, but a sparkle from the Red Destiny shoes reflects into the eye of Master Bo)

(Master Bo looks at where the sparkle was and sees the ninja. He starts yelling)

Master Bo: Thief! Thief! He has the Red Destiny shoes!!

Ninja: shit

(the Ninja jumps off the ground, dancing through the air and flying to the top of the house)

Ninja: hyaaa!

(the Ninja runs across the roofs of the buildings, jumping from one to the next)

Ming: where did he go?

(Ming sees something fly with red on its feet)

(Ming chases after the Ninja dancing up the wall)

Ming: halt!

(Ming points to the air and she flies into it, jumping right in front of the ninja)

Ming (holding the Ninja’s shoulder): return the Red Destiny shoes, and you will go unharmed

Ninja: don’t bet on it, bitch

(the Ninja kicks Ming in the shin with one of the Red Destiny shoes, and Ming flies 3 buildings away, whacking into a chimney)

Ming: stop! You won’t get away!

Ninja (yelling): yes I will!

(Ninja starts tap dancing really really fast in place, then in a red streak, zooms past 15 more buildings)

Ming: whoa

(Ming boosts off the chimney, flying in a straight line, tackling Ninja to the ground)

Ninja: ah! You biiitch!

(Ninja jumps out from under Ming)

Ninja: yaaah!

(Ninja jumps into the air, landing on Ming’s forehead and dancing on it)

Ming: aaaaiiyyyeeeeeee!

Ninja: die!

(Ming grabs the Ninja’s legs, and slams her down to the ground)

(the Ninja gets up and runs away, dancing up a wall, trying to get away)

Ming: come back and fight!

(Ming runs to the wall, running up it, chasing after the ninja, along the wall)

Ninja (in a squirrelly voice): You may be quick, but you can’t catch meeee! Heeeeheeheeeheeeheee!

Ming: what! I kill you!

(Ming jumps off, grabbing Ninja around the neck, slamming her into the floor)

(Ninja jumps up, grabbing Ming’s head and slamming it on the floor)

(Ming is unconscious for 2 seconds, but sees Ninja jumping over a building)

Ming (slamming her fist on the ground): dammit!

(next day)

Master Tea: Ming, someone is here to see you

Ming: oh

(Ming looks around and sees Lick My Balls)

Ming: Lick My Balls is here!

(at a table)

Ming: Lick My Balls, the Red Destiny shoes have been stolen

Lick My Balls: really?

Ming: I think I know who it is

Lick My Balls: who?

Ming: Fan, Governor Pu’s daughter

Lick My Balls: oh…

Ming: I’ll take care of it

(fade out)

(fade in)

Ming: thank you for having me, Mrs. Pu

Mrs. Pu: ohohohoh! You’re welcome! I just hope we find the thief soon

Ming: ok

(Ming throws her tea at Fan, but Fan catches it, not spilling a drop)

(Ming gets hit by a doughnut)

Ming: ow! Whoever stole the Red Destiny shoes should put them back, and they won’t get hurt

(at night)

(the Ninja comes back, jumping in the same window, slowly taking off the Red Destiny shoes, and putting them in the box)

Lick My Balls: what are you dong up so late? Shining shoes?

Ninja: shit!

(the Ninja tries to escape, but Lick My Balls grabs the Ninja and throws her down to the floor)

Lick My Balls: who are you?

Ninja: Lick my balls, Lick My Balls!

Lick My Balls: why’d you call my name twice?

Ninja: I didn’t!

(Ninja kicks Lick My Balls in the balls)

Lick My Balls (grabbing his balls): AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!

(Ninja runs away as Lick My Balls goes unconscious)

Ninja: haha I lost him!

Lick My Balls: no you didn’t!

(Lick My Balls runs up and kicks Ninja in the back)

Ninja: aaah!

Lick My Balls: lucky for me, I have no balls!

(Ninja faces Lick My Balls)

Lick My Balls: You dance and fight well. I would like to teach you

Ninja: you’re a fag! No way!

(Lick My Balls gets a stick and whacks Ninja with it)

Ninja: aah!

Lick My Balls: call my name! Say I’m your daddy!

Ninja: never!

(Lick My Balls whacks Ninja with the stick again)

Lick My Balls: say it!

Ninja: Lick My Ass!

Lick My Balls: that’s not it!

(Lick My Balls whacks Ninja with the stick again)

Ninja: go away!

(Ninja jumps up over a wall and disappears)

(fade out)

(fade in)

(Master Bo is looking through a window and sees a guy with metal thingys, and a girl with a knife. He gets an astonished face)

(late at night)

(Master Bo sneaks into the house and looks at a bunch of papers)

Officer: hey! What are you doing?? Stop looking at my porn stories!

(Officer grabs Master Bo, putting a knife to his neck)

Master Bo: no, no! Don’t kill me! I’m a fan!

(next morning)

Officer’s daughter: soup’s ready!

Master Bo: yay!

(Officer’s daughter punches Master Bo)

Officer’s daughter: dad gets first pick!

(all of a sudden a dart flies in, but officer catches it with his spoon)

Officer’s daughter: waz zat??

(Officer unravels the note on the dart)

Officer (reading off the note): meet me by the Port-a-Potties

(Officer crumples up the paper and smiles)

Officer: we’ve got her!

(later, at the Port-a-Potties)

Green Fox: hiyaa!

(they all fight)

Officer: hiyaa! Yaaa!

Master Bo: oooh! Ooh! Ya ya!

Officer’s daughter: whooooo! Whoo! Dodge! Jump!

(Officer tosses one of his Ball Choppers at Green Fox, but Green Fox grabs it, then throws it back at Officer, chopping off his balls)

Officer: my balls!

(Officer dies)

Officer’s daughter: Father! Nooooo!

(Officer’s daughter charges at Green Fox with her Ass Rammer, but misses)

(Ninja comes down, with the Red Destiny shoes on)

Ninja: hiyaa!

(Ninja makes her way over to their fighting, but Lick My Balls flies down in front of her)

Lick My Balls: call me your daddy!

(Lick My Balls whacks her with a stick, again)

Ninja: I’m gonna kick your little bitch ass!

(Lick My Balls and Ninja start having a dancing contest)

(Lick My Balls riverdances)

Lick My Balls: ha! Riverdance!

(Ninja Ninja dances)

Ninja: ha! Ninja dance!

(Lick My Balls tap dances)

Lick My Balls: ha! Tap dance!

(Ninja doesn’t move)

Ninja: ha! Dead Dance!

(Lick My Balls breakdances)

Lick My Balls: ha! Breakdance!

(Ninja square dances)

Ninja: ha! Square dance!

(Lick My Balls waltzes)

Lick My Balls: ha! Waltz!

(Ninja freestyles)

Ninja: ha! Freestyle!

(Lick My Balls tangos)

Lick My Balls: ha! Tango!

(Ninja polkas)

Ninja: ha! Polka!

Lick My Balls: ew!

Ninja: what?

Lick My Balls: ha! Ew Dance!

(Lick My Balls honks Ninja’s nose, then breaks her arm)

Ninja: aaah! My arm!!!!!!

(Ninja Macarenas)

Ninja: I win! I did the Macarena!

Lick My Balls: BITCH!

(Lick My Balls bitchslaps Ninja)

(Ninja bitchslaps back)

(they bitchslap each other over and over)

Ninja: die!

(Ninja kicks Lick My Balls’s head and runs away with Green Fox, waving a streamer behind them)

Green Fox: whee! This isn’t over, Lick My Balls!!

(next day)

(Officer is lying on the ground, in front of Master Tea)

Master Tea: who was this?

Officer’s daughter: he is my father…he was an officer for the police

Master Tea: oh. Bury him. Master Bo, guard officer’s daughter

(Master Tea winks)

Master Bo: ok!

Ming: we can only wait now…

(fade out)

(fade in)

(Green Fox is in Fan’s room)

Fan: you killed a police officer today! What did you think you were doing!!??

Green Fox: I was thinking about killing the police officer

Fan: now, the whole police force will come!

Green Fox: like I give a crap?

Fan: you would!

Green Fox: would what?

Fan: give a crap!

Green Fox: you want me to give you a crap?

Fan: go awayyyyy!!!

(Fan pushes Green Fox out the door)

(later)

(Low sneaks into Fan’s room)

Low (whispering): Fan? Fan?

Fan (jumping out of bed): Low! What are you doing here!?

(Fan runs to Low, hugging him)

Low: I want to take you away from here, to the desert!

Fan: ….

(wavy lines)

Man: this is the drug induces flashback of Fan

(wavy lines stop, and Fan is lying down on a donkey in the middle of the desert)

(a man next to her is walking with his hands)

Girl: the circus is coming! The circus is-

(the man walking on his hands shoots the girl)

Man on his hands: we’re not the circus! We’re the people that have come for your bagel juice!

Girl: oh noooooo! Don’t take our bagel juice away! Anything but that!

(Girl dies)

Man on his hands: ahahahahaha!

Man on pogo stick: oh NO! Its DARK POOP!!!!!

(everyone spreads out)

everyone: Dark Poop! Dark Poop!

Low: Dark Poop! ATTACK!! Don’t hurt the women, children, and gay men!!!

(5 people attack the crowd of 200 men with Fan)

Man on pogo stick: Dark Poop!!!! Get ready!

(in one second, 190 of the men die)

(Low comes over to Fan, taking her panties and smells them)

Low: mmh…smells pretty

Fan: MY PANTIES!!! GIVE THEM BAAAAAACCCK!!!

Low: come and get me!

(Low smacks his donkay’s ass rides away fast)

Fan: Donkey! Hurry!

(Fan slaps the Donkey’s ass)

Donkey: oh yeah! Harder baby, harder!

(Fan smacks it harder, and they speed after Low on his Donkay)

(they chase Low around for 3 weeks)

(they end up by a “river”)

Low: your donkey is thirsty, there is a river near here

(Low looks around)

Low: well, there was a river…

(Low throws a cow stomach full of water at Fan)

Fan: ew, you bastard, you expect me to drink out of this?

(Fan drinks the whole thing)

Fan: sick bastard

(Fan throws the stomach back at him, dropkicking him as soon as Low caught it)

Low: ow!

Fan: give. Panties. Now!

Low: no!

(they chase each other around for another 3 weeks)

(Low and Fan roll down a hill)

(Low and Fan skip back up the hill, holding hands)

Man: Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pale of water-

(Fan takes Low’s bucket slamming it on his hand, tossing him down the hill again)

Man: Jill slammed the bucket on his head, sent him rolling down and Jill came jumping down…on top of Jack….?

(Man shoots himself in the head)

(fade out)

(fade in, at a cave)

(Fan is tied up at the wrists and feet)

Low: careful, if I would have wanted to do it, I’d have done it- which I did!

Fan: ew! You bastard! Where’s my panties?

Low: I ate them

Fan: nooooooooooooooo! MY peanut-butter flavored edible panties! I was gonna eat them for dinner!

Low: aw, poor baby. AHAHAHAHAHA!!!

(blah blah blah. Low and Fan have sex 300 times in the cave, and 300 times on the same rock outside)

(wavy lines)

(for some reason, they are in a green Mountain Valley, and Low and Fan are looking at a mountain)

Low: see that mountain over there?

(Low points in the general direction of about a hundred mountains)

Fan: yes

Low: they say that if you jump off it, and make a wish, it will come true, but *you* won’t come back…

Fan: oh

(wavy lines)

(Low and Fan have sex 300 times in a tent)

(wavy lines)

(wavy fade in to present)

Fan: no, I can’t I’m getting married

Low: to who?

Fan: a man named Pou

Low: I kill him!

Fan: no! leave, now! I never want to see you again!

(Low brings out a little baggie)

Low: here’s your edible panties

(Low empties the thrown up panties in Fan’s hand, and leaves)

(crying, Fan eats it)

(fade out)

(fade in, at a parade to Fan’s wedding)

(Ming and Lick My Balls are overlooking the area just in case Green Fox appears)

(since this is really boring, she does, spitting popsicle sticks out of a pipe. Lots and lots)

(Lick My Balls whacks them all out of the air with his stick, but one gets in his nose)

(Everyone dies, count on a sequel)

(end)

Squackle Broadcasting Company, Films

Subway: Eat Shit!

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Jared is sitting in a subway eating some shitty Subway sandwich. Some hot HOT girls walk up to him in slutty outfits.

Slut #1: “hey Jared, is that sub the size of your dick or did you loose all of your dick on that diet?”

Jared: “ha Ha you girls are so funny. I’m just eating this delicious subway sandwich. It only has 6 grams of fat, 0 calories and 0 taste! It’s like i’m so cool again!”

Slut #2: “Dayumn boy, you suck more dick then I do, don’t you?”

Jared: “girls, girls, please. I’m trying to enjoy my dinner and not about my sexual preferences.”

Suddenly the manager of subway walks over to Jared.

Manager: “I’m sorry sir, but your credit card was rejected. Apparently you went bankrupt from buying all our sandwiches. Were going to have to ask you to leave.”

Jared: “But…but…I’m your best customer…how can you do this to me!” He busts out in tears. “God please don’t let me die! I want my mommy! I LOVE YOU SUBWAY!”

Subway security is called over by the manager and the security guys tackle Jared. Jared wiggles while crying “SUBWAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY” at the top of his lungs and he gets thrown out onto the streets. The security people throw a sandwich full of shit at him and it hits him in the face. He just continues crying. The sluts come outside.

Slut #1: “Well hot shit, you might as well come home with us”

Jared: “Is there a subway near by? PLEASE TELL ME! I DON’T WANNA GO FAT AGAIN! SUBWAY HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME!”

Slut #2: We’ll show you a REAL subway!”

They take Jared to there crack shack and show him there “subway” all night long. A few months go by and Jared ends up a crack head and alcoholic who weighs 524 pounds and has 2 wives who are the biggest sluts. One day when he’s actually sober and not beatin his bitches, he talks to his wives.

Jared: “I wanna go and see subway. get me mah ramp”

The girls put a ramp up to the couch he’s laying on. He just rolls off the couch onto a stretcher on the floor. The bitches then pick his heavy ass up and walk on over to subway. They roll him inside. Security tries to stop him but he just rolls them over. He then gargles all the food in the store, including the employees.

Jared: “Mhhmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmHhhhhhmmmmmmHhmmmm” Munch Munch Munch.

Jared became the subway robber until all subways went bankrupt. he then was arrested and rolled into the ocean where he can float to another far way country…like Canada. The 2 bitches fucked some more guys, then fucked women and each other. They retired at age 101 when they finally died. Subway went out of business because everyone was afraid of “the roller” (Jared’s criminal nickname” robbing them. The manager of subway who asked jared to leave was eaten and put in Jared’s stomach and slowly but painfully died of the digestion acid in Jared’s stomach. She was released from this hellhole through a hole in the form, of a brown substance. The person who wrote this story clicked the send button so it could be put on Squackle. The fuckin end.

Squackle Broadcasting Company, Films

Fur-Assic Park

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(a girl named Fred and a boy named Alyssa are beating each other up)

(Old Grandpa is rocking in his chair, and has had enough of watching Fred and Alyssa beat on each other)

Old Grandpa: Hey! You two brats stop fighting! I’ll tell you another story if you stop fighting!

Alyssa: Shut up, you old geezer!

Fred: Yeah! We don’t wanna hear any of your stupid stories. That Anne Frank story didn’t even make sense!

(Old Grandpa gets up and whacks both of them with his cane in one swipe)

Old Grandpa: YOU STUPID KIDS! THAT STORY MADE SENSE! YOU TWO DUMBASSES ARE TOO STUPID TO REALIZE THE PURE, GENUINE….stuff in that story!

(Old Grandpa sits back down)

Old Grandpa: I’ll tell you a story that will REALLY get you interested! And you’ll be able to relate to the story in many many ways! Its about dinosaurs-

Alyssa: Yay! Dinosaurs! I love dinosaurs!

(Old Grandpa pokes Alyssa in the ribs)

Old Grandpa: not just any ol’ dinosaurs! These were dinosaurs with…furry asses!

Fred (with a dumb look on her face): whaauuuu…?

Old Grandpa: Don’t believe any of that hu-bub about dinosaurs! I’ll tell you the TRUTH about them!

Fred: because you lived among them?

(Old Grandpa threatens to swing at Fred, but puts his cane down)

Old Grandpa: yes, actually I was…! …I OWNED Fur-assic Park!

Alyssa: WHOOOAAAAA!!!! REALLY, GRANDPA!?

(Old Grandpa whacks Alyssa in the face)

Old Grandpa: DONT SPEAK OUTTA TURN, BOY!

(Old Grandpa leans back into his chair rubbing his chin)

Old Grandpa: well, it all happened like this….

(squiggly lines distort the screen, and the scene changes to a dinosaur in labor, pooping out eggs)

(the dinosaur squeals have been translated to normal English, because I’m the author)

Dinosaur Mama: YOU BASTARD! I TOLD YOU TO USE A CONDOM! NOW LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME NOW! YOU BASTARD! YOU DID THIS TO ME! YOUUU DID THIS TO ME!!!!

(Dinosaur Mama takes a swipe at Dinosaur Dada and misses)

Dinosaur Dada: I’m sorry hunney! Condoms weren’t invented yet!

Dinosaur Mama: DONT GIVE ME THAT “CONDOMS WEREN’T INVETED YET” MAMMAL SHIT! YOU’VE SEEN ALL THE OTHER-

(scene is interrupted and goes to Fred’s disgusted face)

Fred: NOT AGAIN! GRANDPA!

(Old Grandpa frowns)

Old Grandpa: all right all right! Basically, that’s how dinosaurs gave birth…”back then.” But then, some clatyclismic thingy happened, and they all died. THE BIRTH OF YOU TWO!

(Old Grandpa swipes at both of them with his cane, and they both get whacked in their faces)

Mom: You know that’s not right! Grandpa, tell the REAL story! They didn’t die because they were born! It was because YOU were born!

Old Grandpa (pointing the cane at Mom): Don’t give me that, Mom!

Mom: Oh no? Tell the real story, or I’ll kick you in your semen maker machine!

Old Grandpa: OH NO! Anything but the semen maker machine! Ever since my real, God-given machine stopped working, that’s been my lifeline!

(Mom gets closer to the black package that is by Old Grandpa on the floor)

Old Grandpa: OK OK OK!!! Fine, I’ll tell the REAL story…

(squiggly lines go again and the scene switches to night, with a cage overhead)

(a guy with a shotgun loaded with lollipops is staring at the cage as it comes down off the crane)

Security Guard 1: So, this is it?

Security Guard 2: Yes, it is…

Security Guard 3: LETS POKE AT IT!

(Security Guard 3 takes a cattle rod and starts poking at the thing inside of the cage)

(the thing inside turns around, and fur comes out of the bars)

Security Guard 2: OH NO! ITS TRYING TO ESCAPE! EVERYONE POKE AT IT AND MAKE IT FEEL LIKE IT IS CORNERED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CAGE!

(15 more security guards come along with cattle rods and start shocking it as well)

Security Guard 14: DIEE!!

(The thing inside doesnt move, and farts out green smoke, enveloping 9 security guards in its gaseous gas)

Security Guard 12: Oh my god! It smells…so bad!

(Another second passed, and the green smoke started to come back in the way it came, taking the security guards with it)

(Crocodile Dundee appears out of nowhere)

(the scene goes right back to Old Grandpa)

Old Grandpa: In case you don’t know what Crocodile Dundee is doing here, he’s the Park Warden, that I hired! I saw Crocodile Dundee goes to Los Angeles, and I just HAD to hire him for the job! He knows how to rassle a gator! ….I think…

(the scene goes back to Crocodile Dundee, and he runs to one of the Security Guards, holding him from being sucked in with the gas)

Crocodile Dundee: G’day! HOLD ON!!!

Security Guard 4: I CANT HOLD ON! ITS TOO STRONG! AHHHHH!!!!!! TELL MY KIDS THAT I LOVE THEM!

(Security Guard 12 flies past Security Guard 4 as he said that)

Security Guard 12: YOU DONT HAVE KIDS! AHHHH!!!

(Security Guard 12 disappears with a crunch)

Security Guard 4: Oh yeah…DONT LET GO!!! AHHH!!!

(Crocodile Dundee loses his grip, and Security Guard 4 disappears)

(Security Guard 4’s cattle rod falls to the ground by the cage, and the camera pans into it, zooming onto it, not going away, and stays there)

Old Grandpa: That was a sad day. I lost a few good men that day…NOT THAT I REALLY CARE! AHAHAHAAHAHAHAH! I DIDN’T HAVE TO PAY THEM! AND NO ONE SUED ME BECAUSE I WAS IN A 3RD WORLD COUNTRY! AHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

(Old Grandpa laughs maniacally as the camera freezes on the cattle rod)

Old Grandpa: I’m such a bastard, aren’t I? Anywho, the next day….

(Crocodile Dundee is walking along)

Crocodile Dundee: La la la la……..I’m Crocodile Dundee. G’day mate!

(Younger Old Grandpa walks over to him, but he’s still pretty fuckin’ old)

Younger Old Grandpa: What the hell are you doin’! you’re supposed to be workin’, ya goddam Aussie! Yer lucky I hired you, or you’d be in your 10 dollar home in Australia saying “g’day mate, might I have a role in your movie so I can earn a living” all day!

(Crocodile Dundee gives him a thumbs up)

Younger Old Grandpa: Glad you understand!

(scene cuts back to Old Grandpa)

Old Grandpa: what I didn’t know then, was that a thumbs up in Australia means “up yours!” THE NERVE OF THAT BASTARD! He’s piss poor, and he flicks me off…If he were still alive I’d kill him! Well, anyway, I invited 2 archaeologists, an actor, and some lawyer guy, along with my two, (very sarcastic, looking at Mom) LOVING……ADORING CHILDREN!

Mom: Its not my fault.

Fred: Your fault for what mommy?

Mom: your births…….just listen…

Old Grandpa: I also had 2 really really dumbass programmer guys running the whole fuggin park from the inside. They were Samuel L. Jackson and Jerry Seinfeld. Boy, I tell you. I really know how to pick’em…

(squiggly lines distort the screen, and go to Jerry Seinfeld’s face)

Jerry Seinfeld: hey sammy! sammy sammy sammmmmyyy

Samuel L. Jackson: what do you want?

Jerry Seinfeld: what do you get when you cross an elphant with a cocaine addict? A big snorter! Ahahaha

Samuel L. Jackson: what the hell you talkin ’bout, boy!? Are you dissin’ my MAMA?

Jerry Seinfeld: Why, I never heard of such accusations! except the time I was screwin’ yer mom up the ass last night! booya! I did your mom, how do you like THAT!

Samuel L. Jackson: that’s it! See hwo you like this!

(Samuel hits the enter key)

Jerry Seinfeld: what are you do–HEY! My Solitaire game! You stupid fuck! I’ll get you for this!

Samuel L. Jackson: yeah, what are you gonna do? Lock us out of the system, turn off all the power to the park and make us reset the whole thing while lots of people die in the process, including me?

Jerry Seinfeld: I was just gonna hire a clown to harass you, but that’s a pretty good idea. Let me tell you something. I eat chicken strips, but clowns these days are expensive.

(Crocodile Dundee comes in)

Crocodile Dundee: shut the hell up, the lot of you. Or I’ll G’day your asses all night.

Old Grandpa: What a lot of dumbasses. No wonder my theme park failed. Wsell, eventually, my guests wanted to know how everything in the park worked, so I put them into my tour…

(squiggly lines distort the scene again)

(Younger Grandpa steps before a big screen and on the screen, he comes out)

Younger Grandpa: why, hellooooo Grandpa!

Younger Grandpa on Screen: hello there!

Younger Grandpa: could I have a prick of your blood?

Younger Grandpa on Screen: shore! why not!?

(Younger Grandpa pricks the Grandpa on screen’s “finger” and then 2 more Younger Grandpa on Screens come out)

Younger Grandpa on Screen: oh! hello there!

Younger Grandpa on Screen 2: hello!

Younger Grandpa on Screen 3: oh hello!

Younger Grandpa on Screen 2: hoowww did you do it?

Younger Grandpa on Screen: I’ll tell you!

(Mr. Dna comes out of Younger Grandpa on Screen’s finger)

Younger Grandpa on Screen 2: oh! Mr. DNA! how are you?

Mr. DNA: YOU STUPID FUCK! I WAS FINE UNTIL YOU FUCKED ME UP! YOU STUPID GENETIC-ALTERING BASTARD! YOU SCREWED GOD UP THE ASS WHEN YOU STARTED FUCKING WITH ME! BIIIIIITTTCHHHAAAAA! FUCK YOOOOOUUUUU!

Younger Grandpa on Screen: how about you tell us what we did to you?

Mr. DNA: fine, you FUCK. What they did to me was take the DNA of a dinosaur and filled the holes with the DNA of a hairy hairy hairy Armenian! That’s where all the dinosaurs get all the hair from. Should have though that through, don’t you think?

Younger Grandpa: hmm….yes….

(goes back to Old Grandpa)

Old Grandpa: Mr. DNA sure had a point. well, Mom and Mom’s Brother were walking along the T-Rex cage when Mom’s Brother decided to poke at him with a stick…

(the scene goes to an annoying looking kid poking the T-Rex in the leg with a long stick)

Mom’s Brother: ahhaha stupid T-Rex! Hahahah

(The T-Rex reaches over the cage and chomps him up in one bite)

Alternative scene for the T-Rex scene:Mom’s Brother: I wanna see the Fur-Rex!

Crocodile Dundee: fine, you stupid wanker. Everyone get into these trucks.

(the trucks go to the Fur-Rex pen)

(the Fur-Rex is lounging on a couch, drinking beer, watching football)

Mom’s Brother: Oh WOWWW! Its the Fur-Rex!!!

(the Fur-Rex looks over to Mom’s Brother for a second)

Mom’s Brother: ohhhhh my GOD! Its sooooooo coooool!

Fur-Rex: hey, kid. Shut the hell up.

Mom’s Brother: AHHHHHHH!

Fur-Rex: you stupid fuck! I’m watching the Rams getting the crap beaten out of them by the Vikings!

Mom’s Brother: whoooooo!

Fur-Rex: RAAARHH!

(The Fur-Rex charges the 10,000 voltage fence, and the scene switches to Jerry Seinfeld, just as he turns the power off)

Jerry Seinfeld: hehe! let me tell yo usomething. When I want to turn her off. I can REALLY turn her off. Ahahahaaha!

(a guy with a bass appears and starts playing the Seinfeld theme song as Jerry Seinfeld, with shaving cream in each hand runs around spraying it all around)

(scene goes back to Fur-Rex and the Fur-Rex breaks through the gate, roaring)

Fur-Rex: NOW you’re gonna get it, kid!

Mom’s Brother: ………………………………..HOLY SHIT!

(the kid runs out of the jeep and the T-Rex eats him)

Fur-Rex: HAAAAAA! Wait a sec…my TV isn’t working! This stupid Ford Explorer is the problem!

(the camera zooms in on “Fur-Assic Park” on the door, and then the Fur-Rex kicks it off a cliff that somehow wasn’t there before)

Fur-Rex: Nyah!

Old Grandpa (rubbing his chin, and talking sarcastically): I still can’t figure out where he learned how to do that…because I taught him to eat both of them up……..anyway that dumb annoying lawyer guy was taking a crap in the Stegosaurus’s bathroom, and the Stegos got pretty friggin’ mad and ate him.Old Grandpa: I told Crocodile Dundee he could go shoot any dinosaurs he wanted if the power was shut off by a rogue employee, because the dinosaurs were probably gonna kill us before we could blow our noses….or just everyone else, because I was going to get on a helicopter right away, and he chose to go kill the raptors, I guess.

(scene goes to Crocodile Dundee)

Crocodile Dundee: shit. The powers out. That means the raptors are outside of their cages.

(scene goes to the Raptors, 4 of them, playing cards)

Betty Raptor: got any 3s?

Veronica Raptor: go fish

(scene switches back to Crocodile Dundee)

Crocodile Dundee: …time to hunt them.

(Crocodile Dundee takes out his ankle dagger, puts it in his mouth, holding it wwith his teeth, and takes a shotgun out of the closet and loads it)

(scene switches back to the Raptors)

Christina Raptor: go fish

Meany Raptor: god dammit! fuck you and your go fishing!

(Meany has half the deck and no cards on the table. She takes another one)

(all of a sudden Crocodile Dundee jumps out of nowhere onto the table, taking his knife out of his mouth)

Betty: what the hell?

Crocodile Dundee: time to die, WANKERS! I’m gonna G’DAY ya ALL!

Meany Raptor: Get him! He ruined our Poker game!

Veronica Raptor: I thought it was bridge!

Christina Raptor: I thought it was roulette

Betty: ummm…it was all his fault!

(the raptors charge Crocodile Dundee)

(the tree focuses on a tree past the scene)

Later On

 

(Crocodile Dundee is strapped to the table)

 

Crocodile Dundee: what are you gonna do with me wankers?

 

Meany: well, we decided that we’re gonna make you get us pregnant

 

(camera zooms in on Crocodile Dundee)

 

Crocodile Dundee: oh shit

 

Meany Raptor: and we have a 10% chance to actually get pregnant. Maybe less since you’re a stupid dumbass. That means, you’re gonna have to do each of us 10 times at least, which equals 40 times total…at least…

 

(Crocodile Dundee has his mouth gaping open)

(scene goes to the actor walking around with his hands in his back pockets)

Old Grandpa: As well as for that actor…….he lives, because he’s………..in the sequel……….but he doesn’t get off Scott-free!

Jeff Goldblum: hum dee dum dee dum! I’m Jeff Goldblum, and *I* suck.

(raptors come out of nowhere)

Jeff Goldblum: RAPTORS!

(the raptors take out his legs then run away, singing a Britney Spears song)

Jeff Goldblum: MY LEGGGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Old Grandpa: that’ll teach him to bring his fancy shmancy acting around MY parks! By the way, there was this one stupid stupid fat bastard that tried to steal my dinosaurs!

(scene goes to Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld)

Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld: dehe-hehheh…..i’m-a-gonna-steal-these’ms………

Old Grandpa: that stupid fat bastard! Never trust an actor that used to be on Seinfeld!

Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld: Yeeehaw!

(Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld steals embryos and puts them in a shaving cream can)

Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld: WHEEEEEEEE!

(Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld gets into a jeep and runs into a jungle gym)

Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld: crap I lost my glasses!

(a lizard comes out from a tree)

Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld: awww, lookit the cute little kitty…

(the lizard sprays black acid into his face)

Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld: AHHH! IT BURNSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

(the scene cuts to Old Grandpa, and he’s laughing like crazy, evily)

Old Grandpa: AHAHAHAH! AHAHAHAH! AAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! That’ll teach him to mess with Old Grandpa! Now I don’t remember what happened to Samuel L. Jackson…but I think he did a few things…hmm

(scene cuts to a Fur-Rex having sex with another Fur-Rex)

Fur-Rex: oh ya! oh yeah!

Fur-Rex 2: mmh! I love it! give me more

Samuel L. Jackson: Dinosaur sex sure is nasty

(Samuel L. Jackson takes a sip of a drink)

Samuel L. Jackson: but I surrreee do like it!

(Samuel L. Jackson smiles)

Old Grandpa: after Jerry Seinfeld sabotaged everything, I suppose he was driving kind of dangerously through the jungle or something.

(scene cuts to Jerry Seinfeld driving a jeep dangerously going every whichway he feels like. Jerry is throwing shaving cream out everywhere)

Daddy Little Poison Dinosaur Thing: what the hell is that guy doing? He’s putting all this shaving cream on my lawn. I know I need some, but this is ridiculous. Stupid kid. I’M NOT THAT HAIRY!

Mommy Little Poison Dinosaur Thing: get him Urv!

Urv: oh alright

(Jerry Seinfeld is driving maniacally now)

Jerry Seinfeld: wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

(Urv jumps onto the hood)

Jerry Seinfeld: shit!

Urv: you bastard! you’ve gone too far!

(Urv crashes through the window and spits at Jerry Seinfeld)

Urv: patooey patooey!

Jerry Seinfeld: ewwwwwwwwww! ……………….it burns!

Urv: yeah, just wait till I whip out my wang!

(an unzipping sound is heard, as the camera gets a shot of the car zooming past a turn)

(and a crashing sound is heard)

(scene cuts going back to Urv’s wife Natasha, and Urv walks up to her)

Urv: hey Natasha, look what I found!

Natasha: what is it?

Urv: its a goozak dildo. I found it in my pants when I was beating that guy

Natasha: alright! now we can have sex and have babies.

Urv: it sucks when you’re the man of the house and you’re female. I don’t have no dong thing to do you with

(Natasha pats him on the shoulder)

Natasha: its ok, we have the goozak now. Strap it on.

(scene cuts to Natasha getting ass rammed by Urv. They have their skin that was around their neck up, and they’re both hissing like crazy. You couldn’t see it before, but under that skin stuff, there was a lot of hair, so they have really hairy necks….yeah…)

(a piece of poop is focused on, as little chicken-sized dinosaurs jump out from behind a pile of furry crap)

Old Grandpa: there were these little dinosaurs I taught to talk like college professors……..at least with their accents…

(the dinosaurs have English college professor accents)

Chicken Sized Dinosaur 1: Have you eaten your helping of crap yet, my dear good chum?

Chicken Sized Dinosaur 2: No, I haven’t chap, but I’m sure Denny has already spilled his dish over to mine…

(both of them look over to Denny)

Denny: what? Its not my fault they named an all-american food restaurant chain after me. Bah!

(the dinosaurs went back to eating their crap)

Old Grandpa: ah yes, it was fun talking with those guys, all they ever did was smoke and eat poop…….

Fred: I do that too!

Alyssa: me too!

(Old Grandpa raises an eyebrow at them)

Old Grandpa: what in tarnation? Anyway…..the scientists or achaeologists or whatever they are, were so smart they were stupid…

(scene cuts to the archaelogists)

Archaeologist 1: I found some eggs! They’re mating! OMG OMG OMG!

Furrasaur: hey! put down my breakfast, fag!

(Furrasaur swings his tail at Archaeologist and he flies away)

(later on, the archaelogists are back together or whatever…)

Archaeologist 1: ooh, look at this bone, its so old I think it may be well over 10 years old. Don’t you say?

Archaeologist 2: hmm, yes, but I do say that it does look like it was here before we were ever born

(both of them chuckle)

Old Grandpa: I don’t even know their names…

Archaeologist 1: why, what’s that over here?

(Archaeologist 1 climbs up onto a furry rock)

Archaeologist 2: I don’t know……try jumping up and down on it.

(Archaeologist 1 jumps up and down, up and down, anddddddddddddddddddd falls into the middle of it)

Archaeologist 1: well, I do say…I have been swallowed up by a dinosaur’s auss!

Archaeologist 2: might I have a look-see?

(Younger Old Grandpa pops out of nowhere)

Younger Old Grandpa: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

(Younger Old Grandpa shoves Archaeologist 2 into the Fur-Rex’s ass as well)

Old Grandpa: what might have happened to Jerry Seinfeld, you might ask?

(scene cuts to Jerry Seinfeld with black stuff all around in his jeep)

Jerry Seinfeld: I’ve been spat on before, but nothing like this! And I thought my “routine” was bad because everyone in the room spat on me, but this is a real killer!

(Jerry falls onto the ground, looking around)

Jerry Seinfeld: where’s Samuel when you need him…?

(scene switches to Samuel L. Jackson riding a goat around the park)

Samuel L. Jackson: boy, isn’t this fun

(Ben Affleck on his goat, runs into Samuel L. Jackson. Samuel L. Jackson’s goat dies)

Samuel L. Jackson: HEY WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN’!

Ben Affleck: oh crap oh crap oh crap

Samuel L. Jackson: HEY

Ben Affleck: oh crap oh crap oh crap

Samuel L. Jackson: you fuck! you better give me a ride!

(Ben Affleck gets back onto his goat)

Ben Affleck: better luck next time!

Samuel L. Jackson: oh no you don’t!

(Samuel L. Jackson takes out a lightsaber and jumps into the air, slicing off the goat’s legs)

Ben Affleck: no! what’d you do! I have somewhere to go!

Samuel L. Jackson: you said better luck next time! Now I’m gonna take off each of your lims one….by….one……with my lightsaber

(Ben Affleck’s eyes widen as the lightsaber gets nearer to his face)

(meanwhile, the Ice Cream Man is waiting for Ben Affleck)

Ice Cream Man: hmm…well it looks like he’s not coming today

(the Ice Cream Man pushes away his cart, and gets into the ice cream truck and starts driving away into the jungle)

Fur-Rex: I smell ice cream!!

(the Fur-Rex jumps out of a tree and starts chasing the truck down the long path)

Fur-Rex: ICE CREAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMM!!!

(Ice Cream Man looks back)

Ice Cream Man (screaming like a girl): AIYEEEEE!!

(Ice Cream Man floors the gas pedal, but still doesn’t go that fast)

Fur-Rex: hey! where are you going?

(inside the truck)

Ice Cream Man: this’ll fend him off!

(Ice Cream Man plays the Ice Cream Man music)

Ice Cream Man: ahahahaa! DIE!

(but then more Fur-Rexs come out and start chasing him)

Ice Cream Man: ah crap

(later on, a few Fur-Rexs are sitting against the ice cream truck with chocolate all over their mouths, one has white stuff all over its mouth)

Fur-Rex: I thought there was only chocolate ice cream in the ice cream truck

Fur-Rex 3: well, the Ice Cream Man was white

Fur-Rex 2: you ate the ice cream man?

Fur-Rex 3: not exactly…

(the Ice Cream Man stumbles out of the truck with his pants at his ankles)

Ice Cream Man: what the HELL just happened?

(the other 2 Fur-Rexs look at Fur-Rex 3 with a weird look on their faces)

Fur-Rex 3: what? what’d I do?

Old Grandpa: AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA……….hahahaha………….well that’s the story

Fred: but what happened to mom and the archaeologist and the actor?

Alyssa: yeah yeah what happened?!

Old Grandpa: Mom got pregnant and brought the worlds destruction upon us……(sarcastic now) THANK YOU MOM………the actor’s legs got better, hates Britney Spears, and is in the sequel to this movie, and the archaeologist were digested and thrown up through the mouth, eaten again, then pooped out, where they were eaten again by the English college professor accented chicken sized dinosaurs and then crapped out again, in which they were eaten by bacteria…I don’t know what happened then, because it was 24 years since then, and now I’m here telling a story to some stupid children…time for bed!

(Old Grandpa knocks them out again)

(end)

Squackle Broadcasting Company, Films

Anne Frank: Not Remembered Too Well

1 Comment

(scene fades in with an old grandpa sitting on a comfy chair)

(a girl named Fred and a boy named Alyssa are beating each other up)

Old Grandpa: Now, now, Fred, Alyssa! Be nice! I’m trying to dream about me and what Viagra does to me!

(Fred and Alyssa stop beating each other up, and look at the old grandpa)

Fred: Shut up, you old geezer!

Alyssa: yeah! or I’ll change my name to Jessica!

(no one says anything for 10 seconds)

Old Grandpa: I’ll tell you spoiled brats a story, if you shut your damn traps!

Fred: What’s it about?

Old Grandpa: If you sit your skinny little boney asses down in front of me, I’ll tell it to you!

(Fred and Alyssa sit down in front of Old Grandpa)

Old Grandpa (starting to rock back and forth in the chair): now then….which story to tell…

Fred: That’s not a rocking chair grandpa…

(Old Grandpa whacks Fred in the head with his cane)

Old Grandpa: I’M ROCKING IN THE DAMN CHAIR, WHICH MEANS THIS IS A ROCKING CHAIR! YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU THE STORY OR NOT!?

Fred (rubbing her head): sorry grandpa…

Old Grandpa: ok…have you heard the story of Anne Frank?

Alyssa (shrugging and has a weird look on his face): Anne Frank? Frank as in hot dog?

(Old Grandpa whacks Alyssa in the ribs, and Alyssa rubs his ribs)

Old Grandpa: Frank is not a hot dog. Frank is Anne’s last name. Let’s see now…where to begin. I guess the beginning is good….

(the scene is distorted as Old Grandpa, Fred, and Alyssa disappear, being replaced by a scene in a hospital, with Anne’s mother screaming, and Anne’s father holding her hand)

Mr. Frank: BREATHE! BREATHE!

Mrs. Frank: YOU BASTARD! I CANT BELIEVE YOU GOT ME PREGNANT! DIDNT I TELL YOU TO USE A CONDOM?! DIDNT I!? DIDNT IIIIII?!?! I CANT BELIEVE-

(the scene cuts back to Fred’s face)

Fred: ewwww! Don’t talk about that, grandpa! That’s really nasty!

(Old Grandpa, poke’s Fred in the ribs)

Old Grandpa: eh! WHO’S TELLING THE STORY HERE? Fine, I guess you kids are too young for that part anyway…

(Old Grandpa rubs his chin)

Old Grandpa: now…Anne was in her house with her parents. And she was smack dab in the middle of a World War. I forget which one, since they were both alike. They were against the Nazis. We won. But I’m getting ahead of myself

(the scene wiggles around, going to Anne)

Old Grandpa: Anne loved to read, and write. Too bad she didn’t know how to do either!

(Anne was taking a pencil and scribbling stuff down into her secret diary)

Old Grandpa: She had her own secret diary. Full of little things that she copied from other books. Since she couldn’t read or anything like that, she had trace the words into her diary, and one by one, she tossed them all in a sentence, writing it down on a piece of paper, and made it sound like crap, even though she didnt know what she was saying.

(the camera angle goes down, so you can see Anne’s secret diary)

Old Grandpa: On the secret diary, were such nonsense sentences such as, “The kitty rolled down the hill, then Jack climbed a bean stalk.” As you can see, Anne was a retard when it came to reading and writing. Don’t ask her to go to school, because she has no legs either-

(scene cuts back to Old Grandpa and the kids)

(the camera pans up, looking at Fred and Alyssa’s mom)

Mom: Grandpa, that’s not how the story goes. Anne had legs!

Old Grandpa: baaa! Fine…she really did have legs…but they were actually made of big green globs of-

Mom: Grandpa…….

Old Grandpa: OK OK…fine…she had regular legs. And pretty nice ones-

Mom: GRANDPA!

Old Grandpa: CANT I DREAM OF A LITTLE 14 YEAR OLD GIRL IN MY LAP?!?

Mom: Grandpa, tell the story right!

Old Grandpa: ok ok ok ok! Did I mention Anne was flat-chested?

Mom: Grandpa, if you do that one more time, no more applesauce for you–EVER!

Old Grandpa: no more applesauce? You cruel cruel daughter.

(Old Grandpa rubs his chin again)

Old Grandpa: Anyway…

(squiggly lines again, and it goes back to Anne writing stuff in her book)

Old Grandpa: Anne DID have legs…but she didnt know how to use them, since she was chained up in a box all day. Except when they sent her outside, because they didn’t want to feed her. As you can tell, they didn’t like Anne very much. But the main reason they couldn’t feed her was because they were piss broke. And their main source of money was renting out their older daughter out to weird people, and use her however they pleased….

(you hear Old Grandpa licking his lips)

Old Grandpa: anyway…umm…her father was a hobo, and a pretty damn good one at that! He got at least 5 dollars where ever he went. And his mom didn’t work because all she does is stay home and clean their house. Now, you see how lucky you guys are to be living in this time period where it was actually better. Anyway…Anne was sent outside of her room one day…

(the camera is outside looking at the house from outside. The door opens, and Mr. Frank throws Anne outside the door)

Mr. Frank: –and don’t come back until you get a penny!

Anne (rolling on the ground): Okay dada!

Mr. Frank: STOP CALLING ME DADA!

(Mr. Frank slams the door closed, and the camera pans around Anne, looking in front of her. People are going around sticking each other in car exhaust pipes, and eating car bumpers. Its not a very pretty scene…)

(a crippled girl on stilts makes her way to Anne)

Cripple Girl: hey Anne. How are you?

Anne: I’m fine. How about you?

Cripple Girl (putting her hands on her hips): oh, I’m just crippled as usual!

(Anne and the Cripple Girl start laughing for no apparent reason, Anne is rolling around on the ground because it is “so funny” to her)

Ballerina Man: HELLO! I’M A BALLERINA!

(Ballerina Man jumps around from roof to roof across the street)

The Punisher: I HATE ballerinas!

(The Punisher takes out a shotgun, aiming it at the ballerina man, and shoots out 300 shells, as the ballerina man is jumping around)

Ballerina Man: HAHA! You missed me!

(Ballerina Man jumps again, and twists his knee when he lands, falling onto a clothesline, unraveling off of where it was hanging, wrapping around his neck 3 times, choking him to death, as he fell to the ground, breaking his back, “opening up a can of spinal fluid” when he landed, lynched)

The Punisher: nasty.

Old Grandpa: annnnyyway….back to Anne. Anne and the Cripple Girl were great friends. That was, until the Germans made all the Jewish people put yellow stars on their clothes. Cripple Girl didn’t like yellow, and it was sooooooooo last year’s color. Cripple Girl never talked to Anne again….partly because she was attacked by a Siberian tiger that broke her neck by falling out of the sky. Don’t ask why it was raining tigers that day.

(Anne runs up to Mr. Frank, tugging on his shirt sleeve)

Anne: Dada dada! Can I have a new shirt?

(Mr. Frank backhands Anne)

Mr. Frank: NO! You know the rules! Only one shirt for each member of the family! We can’t spend money on CLOTHES…puh!

(Mr. Frank scratches his balls, turning away from Anne)

Mr. Frank (talking to Mrs. Frank): I ran out of ridiculously expensive Winnie the Pooh merchandise that cost more than clothes. I’m going to go buy some more.

Old Grandpa: as you can see, from that, Mr. Frank wasn’t a very good accountant, or knew very well how to manage his money for that matter. He was a complete dumbass.

(Anne is walking out of her house)

Anne: no money, no clothes……what am I living for? I’m a girl for Christ’s sake!

(an army of Nazi soldiers marching through the town)

Nazi Soldiers (chanting, as they are marching): NAZI-NAZI-NAZI-NAZI

(Anne frowns at them)

Anne: I don’t like Nazis, they make me wear last years color!

(Anne picks up a rock and throws it at the commander……………which happens to be Hitler…)

Hitler: UF! (curses in German)

Cripple Girl (walks by Anne): oooh! You really did it now! He’s gonna genocide your asses now! teeheeeheehee!

(Cripple Girl runs away laughing, but is tackled by an uninflated tire, falling down and cracking her skull in half)

Anne: uh oh!

(Anne runs back into the house)

Anne: dada dada dada! I threw a rock at Hitler!

Mr. Frank: You stupid bitch! He’s gonna send us into concentration camps now!

(Mr. Frank beats Anne)

Mrs. Frank: how could I raise such a stupid bitch? Now we’re gonna be slaves for the rest of our lives and never see each other again!

(Mrs. Frank beats on Anne too)

Anne’s Older Sister: yay! We’re never gonna see each other again!

Mr. Frank (growling at Anne’s Older Sister): shouldn’t you be WORKING or something!?

Anne’s Older Sister: yes, sir……

(Hulk Hogan knocks on the door)

Hulk Hogan: OFFICE DEPOT! COME OUT WITH YOUR WINNIE THE POOH MERCHANDISE, OR WE’LL BLOW SHIT UP!

Mr. Frank: SHIT! ITS THE OFFICE DEPOT!

(cuts back to Fred and Alyssa’s Mom)

Mom: It was the Gestapo, Grandpa…or the Green Police, that went around getting Jews and junk! You know that!

Grandpa (rubbing his chin): oh yeah……silly me (rolls his eyes)

(back to the front door of Anne’s house, outside)

Hulk Hogan: looks like I’m gonna have to use my…guns….

(Hulk Hogan nods as he pulls his sleeves up, flexing his arms)

Green Police Man 1: Oh yeah, Hulk Hogan is the man!

Hulk Hogan: ain’t I?

(Hulk Hogan punches through the door)

Hulk Hogan: BOOOMMMMMMM!!!

Mr. Frank: RUUNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But leave Anne here.

(everyone except Anne runs upstairs, jumps through the windows or into the sink)

Dr. Dentist: AYE AYE!

(Green Police Man 2 shoots Dr. Dentist with his gun)

Green Poilce Man 2: stupid idiot…

Pimplefaced Fruitcake Boy: Anne! I love you!

(Green Police Man 3 takes a lit menorah and lights him up)

(Pimplefaced Fruitcake Boy does a “Home Alone scream” as he burns)

(other miscellaneous people all of a sudden run around the house)

Green Police Man 4: AHAHAH!

(Green Police Man 4 is shooting everyone he can get)

Green Police Man 4: I don’t like Jews, cause Hitler said so!

Green Police Man 5: RELEASE THE BEARS!

(Green Police Man 5 releases the bears……)

Yogi Bear: Hey Boo-boo buddy! Let’s geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet outta this joint!

Boo Boo Bear: Okay Yogi, I’m with you!

(Yogi and Boo Boo do a “character running starting thing” and run away)

(Hitler pops out of the bushes with a mallet and whacks Yogi and Boo Boo in the head)

Hitler: (in German) that’ll show those bears! Stealing the picnic baskets, costed them bastards a costly lesson! Ahahahahah!

(Hulk Hogan pokes at Hitler, whispering into his ear)

Hulk Hogan: This is supposed to be an English movie

Hitler: Oh I’m sorry, since I’m GERMAN and all, I got TOO into my role….just don’t forget who YOU are, Hulk Hogan, and who I am, which is Jerry Springer!

(the people randomly running around all stop and look at them, waving their fists in the air, chanting)

People (chanting): JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

Hitler: I think I’ll have my view now, you cannae do this to me, I AM JERRY SPRINGER! THE ULTIMATE TALK SHOW HOST AND USED CAR SALESMAN!

(Hulk Hogan rolls his eyes)

Hulk Hogan: we all know your jobless. Get a job. You’re no more better than a stay-at-home mom changing her panties!

(Hitler bitchslaps Hulk Hogan)

Hitler: GRR!!!

(Hitler and Hulk Hogan get into a wrestling match)

(scene cuts back to Fred and Alyssa’s Mom)

Mom: Grandpa…..I’m warning you. I don’t want to have to starve you to death….

Grandpa: I don’t even know why I’m telling this story! I’m just going to get into trouble…..what a way to treat your elders……..can I just end it now?

Mom (fluttering her hand): ok, go ahead and finish it how you want.

Old Grandpa: thank you……………………….(shakes his head sarcastically)

(the scene is distorted again, and its in outer space)

Alien: oop opp erkkk! (translation: WE GONNA CRASH, BITCH!)

(other Aliens run around screaming “oop opp erkkk!” as well)

Old Grandpa: It just so happens that the spaceship crashes in the middle of wherever the heck they were, and blew everything up, so in the end we won. That’s that.

Fred: Won what?

Old Grandpa (sighing): the WAR, what do you THINK!

Alyssa: What happened to Anne Frank?

Old Grandpa: That’s a very good question…

(Old Grandpa thinks of something, and a thought cloud comes out of his head, and he looks at it, smiling)

Old Grandpa: eheh……well……I kinda popped out of her trunk, and………………saved………..her………………….yeah, that’s it…………..but it was in my earlier days, when I could actually walk

(Old Grandpa scratches his head)

Old Grandpa: isn’t it time for bed?

(Old Grandpa whacks Fred and Alyssa in the head with his cane and they pass out)

(end)

Credits:Old Grandpa: Sylvester StaloneFred: Mariah Carey

Alyssa: Steven Segal

Fred and Alyssa’s Mom: Roseanne

Anne Frank: Mike Tyson

Cripple Girl: Arnold Schwarzenegger

Ballerina: Charlie Sheen

Punisher: Michael J. Fox

Mrs. Frank: Rosie o’ donnell

Mr. Frank: Bruce Lee

Green Police Man 1: Taco Bell Chihuahua

Green Police Man 2: Bob Sagat

Green Police Man 3: Oscar De Lahoya

Green Police Man 4: James Vanderbeek

Green Police Man 5: Emilio Estevez

Adolf Hitler: Jerry Springer

Pimplefaced Fruitcake Boy: Macauly Culkin

Bears: Yogi Bear, Boo Boo Bear

Dr. Dentist: Tom Cruise

Squackle Broadcasting Company, Films

High Ho Diggity

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a room. there are two men. one man (barney) is wearing a black trenchcoat. the other (billy joe bob bobert francisca fregadero sardine the 6th) is a very fat man wearing pink spandex.

billy joe: i want youto do this thingfor me. it is very important to my family.

barney: yeah, i see what i can do.

billy joe: you must! i die if this doesnt go well!!

barney: yeah, well, them’s the breaks.

billy joe: i die! don’t you see??

barney: gotta die sometime.

billy joe: but i’m only 10!

barney: yeah, but you gotta be at least 300 pounds!

billy joe: look, i’m payin you to do this, so just do it!

barney: fine.

alleyway. dark. barneyis singing a song he just made up.

barney: dum de dum dum. jus waitin for da guy i’m gonna KILLLLLLL with my flamethroWAH… (a pause) nah nah nah… (a pause) i’m hungry…

a guy walks bythe alley. he’s really old and fat.

barney: not so fast there victim!

guy: what?

barney: dieeeee!!! (uses flamethrower to kill the guy) yay, now i can go get my money!

back in the first room.

barney: ok i’m done, gimme my money!

billy joe: what are you talking about? and where have you been? you said you had to go to the bathroom.

barney:well, anyway, i still killed an old fat guy, so i want my money.

billy joe: what?

barney: the mission.

billy joe: i told you to open this can of beans!

barney: ……..so……..?

billy joe: argh, i crapped my pants.

barney: really? ewwww!! why?

billy joe: it’ something i do when i’m very angry.

barney: and you’re fat!

billy ooe: what does that have to do with anyth–

billy joe is cut off by barney’s flame thrower, which barney was using on billy joe. this is why billy joe stopped talking in the middle of a word.

stimpyismyname: im not done with this one….

(but who knows if it’ll actually get finished…?)

Squackle Broadcasting Company, Films

What To Do About Mrs. Larkin: Operation Dump the Chump

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Scene 1: Discussion

Mr. Rogers: That Mrs. Larkin, she’s a weird one…

Officer Squank: I really think that Mrs. Larkin is very, very, very, very, very, veerrryy “strange”

Officer Fuzzy: Yes, she’s veeerrryyy weird

Mr. Rogers: Maybe you should go do something about it

Officer Squank: NAAAH!

Officer Fuzzy: She used to be not so weird

Officer Squank: Yep…

Mr. Rogers: I liked her…

Officer Fuzzy: WHAT?!

Mr. Rogers: Uhh, sorry. Never mind…

Officer Fuzzy: Her husband, Roger, died in a car accident. A stupid tree fell on him. He shoulda seen it coming! You gotta be an idiot to not see a tree falling down and just go on like a regular day. Ever since that she has been weird. Oh well…

Mr. Rogers: Quack! …Excuse me!

Officer Squank: She has a messy garden

Officer Fuzzy: Garden? What garden? I thought that was a jungle….oh uh….yes, she does, I guess…I wonder if there are any mangos in there….mmm mangos…..

Mr. Rogers: I hate gardens……yes

Officer Fuzzy: She’s a nut, now. A nut that stays in a stupid jung….er garden the whole day!

Mr. Rogers: I like asparagus…yes

Officer Squank: Oh…

Mr. Rogers: Wanna know….a secret….yes

Officer Squank: Sure…fine….whatever

Mr. Rogers: I’m her husband…yes

(Officer Squank gasps)

Scene 2: The Truth Unvealed

Mr. Rogers: She was annoying…yes

Officer Fuzzy: I thought you were dead!

Mr. Rogers: Well…no…I actually cut down the tree, so that the tree could fall down on her….but I just happen to be in the car at the wrong time…..I tried to dump the chump, they call “my wife”….yes

Officer Squank: I thought you were actually happy being with the nut

Mr. Rogers: Well, I was, when she was actually active, but when she got to be an old hag, I had to “dump the chump.” I could get some other fresh meat…or, to you, girls….yes

Officer Squank: You suck

Mr. Rogers: No, I don’t. I want to fly! Fly, fly, fly, fly, FLY!!!

(Mr. Rogers goes over and jumps off a cliff)

Officer Squank: Well, I guess he’s dead now….

Officer Fuzzy: Yeah, I guess

Officer Squank: Want some donuts? Maybe we can hold up a donut shops with our guns

(Officer Squank holds his gun up and starts laughing)

Officer Squank: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!

(end)

Squackle Broadcasting Company, Films

A Tale Of Two Sukas

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act 1 scene 1

good evening. my name is mr. important. i will be the narrorator for this play you are now reading. (i say reading, because there is no way someone would actuallymake a play out of this.) our play opens in a nice green pasture that smells of feces. in it are two men, bubba the chartoff (the chartoff were an old race who first invented the modern computer, until they realized it was actually just a pile of feces thatwere very commmon at the time) and wendel, the cinnamon toast crunch guy.

bubba: its nice to see you again, wendel.

wendel: likewise, my dear chap.

bubba: i think its time we ditched this crap hole–

wendel: ah, feceshole would be more propper.

bubba: right, whatever, but this place sucks. it smells like cra– i mean feces allthe time, and we don’t even know where the frikken smell is comin from!!

wendel: yes, quite right.

bubba: so whadda say? wanna go to the city?

wendel: yes, i think its hightime we went medeval on these city slickers.

bubba: well, that, or we could get a steady job and save up for a nice house in the burbs…

(a pause)

wendel: are you gay?

bubba: no, i just thought we could talk to people and make some friends instead of just going medeval on anyone we meet.

wendel: yeah, maybe, but it doesn’t sound as fun.

bubba: we could play some more nes…

wendel: nah, i’m sickof duck hunt.

bubba: well we don’t have to play duck hunt. i’ve got over 300 games, WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO PLAY DUCK HUNT???

wendel: ….wanna play mario?

bubba: hell no! lets go to the city and kick some ass!

wendel: now yer talkin!

(fade out)

act 1 scene 2

music starts playing “how many people wanna kick some ass” (i’m sorry if you’ve never heard it.) while bubba and wendel “suit up”.

bubba: (singing) how many people wanna kick some ass?

wendel:(also singing) i do! i do!

Squackle Broadcasting Company, Films

Pikachu vs. Britney Spears

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Pikachu is gonna marry Britney. They go to there house and get in their limo. They drive off. Britney brings out a Staryu with no glass. Pikachu starts screaming PIKA!! CHUUU!

Spears: But we need the glass for our sliding glass door.

Pikachu: CHUUU!

Pikachu chases her into McDonalds where Daryll Strawberry is standing on the counter and throws a few chicken nuggets at Pikachu. Then the Bucaneers football team comes in with jugs of cold coffee.

Spears: Look it’s the star-bucks!

They spill it because Ross Perot comes in hitting all he player with a 20 pound fish. A bunch of Vaporeons come and Carmen Electra gives them Spicy Doritos for pushing Pikachu into the burger machine. Then Pikachu blows his nose on one. Funny Bunny Wunnie comes and gives it to a car with Dennis Rodman, Ricky Martin, Madonna, and the chairman of Empre Rittle University.

Ricky Martin jumps out of the car with two supersized cup of sugar. He’s got the sugar inside of of him!

The New Radicals come in on a magic carpet.

New Radicals: Don’t give up you got the sugar in you!

Ricky Martin: Cup of Life OLEY OLEY OLEY!

A bomb blew up and everyone turned pink and started doing the macarena into NASA. They flew to Outer Space where they momboed to Mars.

Squackle Broadcasting Company, Films

Boy Bands

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One day the Weird Owl, Dude 1, Mimicing Mike, a Golden Retriever, and Supermouse dressed up as the Backstreet Boys. Weird Owl was Kevin, Dude1 was Howie, Mimicing Mike was Brian, the Retriever was Nick, and Supermouse was AJ. They went to New York on the streets.

The Weird Owl ran into McDonalds. No one followed. DUde 1, Supermouse, and Mimicing Mike all did the same. The dog went in and 1,000,000 screaming fans chased him through the streets.

Dude 1: This really stinks!

Supermouse: Yeah it does!

Mimicing Mike: Let’s make human boritos!

So Mike rapped himself up in a tortia. Then he hopped to a meat factory. He jumped in a meat pile. Everyone started eating him. Wait a sec. Here comes The Golden Retriever and his fans. STAMPEDE! The camera is dropped, then squashed.

Squackle Broadcasting Company, Films

SBC News Christmas Special

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Now top stories with David…

Weather with Daveed…

Sports with Davis…

A few words with Fiddlesticks…

and The Special Guest Corner with Binky the Clown.

 

Now for the top stories…David: Welcome to the first annual Christmas Special of SBC News TV!! It is sure to be a holly jolly show today!

 

(Fiddlesticks covers his mouth)

 

Fiddlesticks: COUGH, yeah right, COUGH, COUGH!!!

 

(David looks at Fiddlesticks with a mean look)

(Fiddlesticks looks back)

 

Fiddlesticks: CCCOOOUUUGGGHHH!!!

 

David: SHUT UP!!

 

Fiddlesticks: OK, FINE, GAWD

 

Davis: What is this episode supposed to be about?

 

David: …I dunno…

 

Binky: Well, the only thing I know is that I’m interviewing Santa Clause and some other…things

 

David: hmm…ok…but first we have an undercover report from Dave

 

Binky: Dave, huh? He sorta scares me…

 

David: oh….well…here he is

 

(Dave comes up on a small TV screen next to David)

 

Dave: Hello, this is Dave reporting live from someplace in Wyoming….unfortunately during the Christmas season, the number of suicides increase a lot, and most of those people that commit suicide are wimps and don’t wanna face the IRS or some crap like that…but this is very strange

 

(Dave walks over to a body below a cliff)

 

Dave: as you can see…

 

(Dave lifts up the persons head to show the camera)

 

David: Oh my god! That’s Alex Trebeck!!

 

Fiddlesticks: REALLY??? YAAYY!!! HE WAS A BITCH!!!

 

Dave (muttering): Pathetic

 

(Dave drops the head with disgust)

 

Dave: there are just piles upon piles of these dead people here….mostly game show hosts…

 

(the camera gets a shot of all the bodies)

(there are rows and rows and piles of dead bodies)

 

David: Whoa

 

Fiddlesticks: Holy crap

 

Davis: EWW!!!

 

(Daveed makes a choking sound, like he’s about to throw up)

 

Dave: Yes, it is gross…I’m getting outta here…

 

(the camera turns off)

 

David: That was really weird….

 

(Binky is just staring ahead at nothing)

 

David: …hey Binky!

 

(Binky still stares at nothing)

(Daveed goes over and slaps him but has no effect)

 

Daveed: He must be stunned, or some junk, I ain’t a doctor, I can’t tell

 

David: HOW THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO THE DAMN SPECIAL GUEST CORNER THEN?????????????

 

Daveed: maybe all of us can do it…

 

David: Hmm…..heheheheheheh…

 

(David has an evil grin on his face)

 

Davis: Good idea, MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

 

(Daveed pushes Binky off the chair and drags his chair into the center of the room, right smack in the middle of everybody)

(Daveed goes back and sits down on his chair)

 

David: OK! Who’s up?

 

(a fat shadow appears from the door)

 

David (gasping): WELL!! Isn’t it Mr. Holly Jolly Himself!!

 

(the guy walks out of the shadows)

 

David: HEY! Wait a second! You’re not Santa Clause!

 

Fat guy: Uh, nope. Just a fat guy walking around.

 

(David starts getting mad)

 

David: eeerraaaahhh!!!! HOW DARE YOU COME INTO THIS TV STATION WITHOUT PERMISSION!!!

 

(David takes out a gun and shoots the fat guy)

 

Fat guy: OW!

 

(Fat guy falls down, dead, as another fat shadow appears)

 

David (dropping the gun and gasping): COULD IT BE???

 

Santa Clause: HO HO HO HO HO!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

 

Daveed (walking toward Santa Clause): Hey, Santa, how ya doin? Why don’t you take a seat in the middle of all of us where we can see your jolly little fat face.

 

Santa Clause: HO?

 

Daveed: HEY! DON’T CALL ME A HO, BOY! I’ll slap da shit outta you.

 

Santa Clause: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

 

(Daveed looks strangely at Santa Clause)

 

Daveed: Riiiggghhhttt……now sit your flabby fat ass down over there.

 

(Daveed points to Binky’s chair)

(Santa Clause makes his way over to the chair and every step he takes he says ‘ho’)

 

Santa Clause (as he is sitting down): mmmmmm christmas!

 

Daveed: Well, Santa, Arthritis gettin’ to ya, old man?

 

Santa Clause (laughing): Ho ho ho ho ho

 

Daveed: Um, ok. Uh…

 

David: Well, Santa, what do you have for ME for Christmas?

 

Santa Clause (laughing): Ho ho ho ho

 

(Santa Clause snaps his fingers and a bag appears at his feet)

 

David: Whoa!

 

(Santa Clause reaches in and takes out a neatly wrapped present for everybody and passes them out to everybody)

 

David: Ooh! I wonder what it is

 

(David rips the wrapping open and opens the box)

 

David: Huh? What da hell is this? It’s a Polly Prissy Pants Doll

 

(David is holding the doll and the head falls off)

 

David: …..this is used…

 

Daveed: I got a 3 page book….

 

Davis: I got a piece of paper with scribbles on it

 

Fiddlesticks: Heh heh…I have the best one out of ALL of you!

 

David: What is it?

 

Fiddlesticks: hee hee hee….its a porno magazine

 

(David drops the doll and charges for the magazine)

(so does Daveed and Davis)

 

David: Come on! Give me the magazine!

 

Fiddlesticks: No! It’s mine!

 

Davis: LET GO!

 

Daveed: YOU’RE GONNA RIP IT! GIVE IT TO ME BEFORE IT DOES!!

 

(the magazine is split up four ways)

 

David: Ah man, I got half of a stomach….

 

Fiddlesticks: Jeez, now look what you did to the Playgirl magazine…

 

Daveed: Play…GIRL????

 

(Davis drops his part of the magazine)

 

Davis: YYYUUCCKK!

 

David: Oh my god….

 

(David and Daveed also drop their pieces)

 

Fiddlesticks: My god, you guys should be happy now….ripping up my Christmas present from Santa!

 

David (walking toward his chair): Yeah, whatever…

 

Daveed: Ok, Santa, how is the weather at the north pole?

 

Santa Clause: Christmas! Ho ho ho ho

 

Daveed: So, its always winter?

 

Santa Clause: Merry ho ho ho ho!

 

Daveed (looking at Santa weird): uh, can you say anything but merry, Christmas and ho?

 

Santa Clause: Ho ho ho ho!

 

David: Stop asking confusing questions to Santa! Let’s show him around our studio. Come on Santa!

 

(David leads Santa into the Director’s office)

 

David: This is where we used to have our Director and Producer fight each other all the time for no reason, but since they’re both dead, this room isn’t being used till we find somebody suitable for the job.

 

Daveed: Yeah, they used to fight over how a peanut butter and jelly sandwich should be made. Or, even how to-

 

David: Ok, that’s enough

 

(Davis yawns)

 

Davis: When is this tour over?

 

David (ignoring what Davis said): And, down here…

 

(David leads Santa through the door to the parking lot)

 

David: This is our little parking lot.

 

Fiddlesticks: Hey, where’s my car?

 

Davis: I think I saw someone driving off in a pinto with a flat tire and half the paint was chipped off. Was that yours?

 

Fiddlesticks: ….yes….

 

Davis: HA HA! That’s funny. He blew up a little ways down the road.

 

Fiddlesticks: oh…I hope my kitty made it to safety

 

Daveed: most likely, your stupid little kitty is dead

 

(Fiddlesticks’ kitty walks up to them)

 

Kitty: meow

 

Fiddlesticks: OH! KITTY! YOUR SAFE!

 

(Davis takes David’s gun and shoots the kitty as Fiddlesticks runs up to it)

(Fiddlesticks stares at his dead kitty)

 

Davis: SEE? NOW its dead

 

Fiddlesticks: NOOOO!!!!!

 

(Fiddlesticks drops to his knees and is still screaming)

 

David (looking at Fiddlesticks): Ok, let’s go to another part of the tour…

 

(everyone but Fiddlesticks walks away, and Fiddlesticks is still screaming and holding his kitty up in the air)

 

Fiddlesticks: NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

 

(camera goes to David and Santa Clause)

(Fiddlesticks is screaming in the background)

 

David: Well, this is a statue of a…um…

 

(David turns back to Fiddlesticks)

 

David (yelling): HEY SHUT DA HELL UP!

 

(Fiddlesticks keeps screaming)

 

David (pulling out his gun): Ok, that’s it….

 

(David shoots Fiddlesticks)

 

Fiddlesticks: Ah, SHIT!

 

(Fiddlesticks faints)

 

David: Well, that’s better…..that is a statue….of someone….I dont know who it is though….or why it is here…um…I dont remember how this got here…or remember when it got here….it wasnt here before…So…uh, I guess we should move on then…

 

(the camera goes higher and higher as everybody walks to the right)

 

Announcer Guy: But, what David didn’t know was, that the statue of someone he didn’t know was actually an alien space pod, full of tiny creatures that aim to help a race of other aliens to rule Earth….

 

(the camera zooms back down to David’s face)

 

David: Hey, did anyone hear that?

 

Santa Clause: HO HO HO HO!

 

Daveed: Hear what?

 

David: Uh….never mind…let’s go back inside…there isn’t anything else out here…

 

(everyone gets inside except Santa Clause)

 

Santa Clause (waving his finger from left to right): Ho ho!

 

(Santa Clause snaps and he disappears)

 

David: WHAT??? Ah, man! I was going to ask him if he wanted to be our producer or director or something….

 

Daveed: Uh……I think we’ll find someone better….

 

David: Like?

 

Daveed: Like, uh…that dead fat guy!

 

Fat Guy: What? What are you talking about? I’m not dead, just taking a nap…

 

David: Well, your hired!

 

Fat Guy: For what?

 

David: Uhh…Producer….now your name is now Fat Producer Guy!

 

Fat Producer Guy: cool!

 

David: Now, go and wait for someone to be director, then you can fight with them. That’s your job!

 

Fat Producer Guy: YAY!

 

(Fat Producer Guy goes in the office and closes the door)

 

David: so…now what?

 

Daveed: umm…i think that there were some elves in the back waiting…

 

(camera goes to elves)

 

Master Elf (smoking a cigarette): when the fuck do we get on this fuckin show? i got some crappy ass toys to make…

 

Ho Elf: Oh, don’t worry…we’ll get out of this stupid place soon…even though there is air conditioning instead of heat…

 

Elfy: I’ve never needed to have air conditioning before…

 

Ellf: AIR CONDITIONING IS COOL!

 

(camera goes back to david and the others)

 

David: umm…i’m sorta scared…lets go back to the station..those elves could be….doing something…weird

 

Fiddlesticks: KIIITTTYYY!!!!

 

Davis: What the fuck?

 

Daveed: what?

 

Davis: that statue..

 

Daveed: What about it?

 

Davis: it….moved!

 

Daveed: AW, stop fuckin lying ya stupid son of a bitch. statues can’t move. they are big ass pieces of rock.

 

Davis: It fuckin moved, you bastard.

 

David: Ok, just fuck it, let’s go.

 

Davis: uhh…i dont really want to…

 

(David just walks back into the station to find that the 4 elves they had waiting in the back were jumping around the station yelling “Air Conditioner”)

 

Master Elf: AIR CONDITTTIIOONNERR!!

 

Ho Elf: A! C!

 

Ellf: FFFARRTT! look at that! it dont stink!

 

David: AAAAAARRGGHHH!

 

(David is about to strangle the Master Elf because he is waving his favorite piece of cardboard around his ass)

 

David (running at Master Elf): MY CARDBOARD!!!

 

(suddenly an explosion from behind David, sends him, Davis, and Daveed and they get launched at a wall along with the elfen people)

 

Master Elf: WWAAHH!!!

 

Davis: shistis!

 

Dave: who?

 

Shistis: YESssss…..It is I…the green statue with its arm up in the air….the real reason it was up there was not for me to look god-like, but to let my B.O. torture everyone that can smell it! hahahahahahaa!!

 

(Shistis starts to pace)

 

Davis: I thought you died!

 

Shistis: I thought i died, too!

 

Davis: Then why are you alive?

 

Shistis: hmm….i dont know really…i think it was a present from sweet ol’ Santa Clause!!!

 

(Shistis reaches behind her and pulls out Santa Clause by the collar)

 

Santa Clause (face drooping): ho…ho…ho…

 

David: SANTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Santa Clause: ho?

 

Daveed (grabbing his head): NNNNYYYAARRRGGG!!!! SHUT UP! STOP SAYING HO!

 

Davis: I think that Santa is calling Shistis a ho…

 

(one of the elves fart)

(air conditioning breaks down, because of the fart)

 

Shistis: AARGH! What is that smell?

 

David (covering his nose): Its an elf fart!! RUN!!!

 

(everybody except the elves, shistis, and Santa Clause run out of the building just as it blows up)

 

Daveed: great, now we have to make ANOTHER stupid studio…

 

David: Hmm…maybe we should use the reserve studio…

 

Daveed: where is that?

 

David: across the street…

 

Daveed: really?

 

David: in Idaho!

 

Daveed: ACK!

 

David: Yes, that’s right, we’ll have to take a train all the way to Idaho…

 

Daveed: do we have to stay there?

 

David: …no..not really…we’ll just move the whole building on top of the old burned up studio…

 

(David takes out a walkie talkie)

 

David (speaking into the walkie talkie): BRING ‘ER IN CHARLIE!

 

Davis: …charlie?

 

David: He’s the helicopter driver…

 

(Charlie the Helicopter Driver comes over with a skinny rope holding onto a huge building)

 

Daveed: Is that our studio?

 

David: yeah! this one has anti-fart fluid sprayer thingys, air conditioning, heat, and…penguins!

 

Davis: Why the fuck do we need penguins?

 

David: ahh…they’re funny…

 

Davis: hrmm…

 

(Davis thinks about how they can be funny)

 

David: they walk funny and they make me laugh everytime they walk past me!

 

Davis (flicking his wrist at David): yeah, whatever, go right on ahead, have your stupid shitty penguins!

 

(David ignores the comment and turns around to the helicopter and brings the walkie talkie up to his mouth)

 

David: a little to the right and drop it right on our old building…

 

(Charlie drops the building on top of the old studio and stays on top of the old building)

 

David: hmm….oh well, now we have 2 floors!

 

(everybody goes into the studio and sits down in the middle of the room on the 1st floor)

(David takes out some pokemon cards)

 

David: haha! check this out! its a FUCK me UP Charizard!

 

Davis (pulling out his): bah! that’s nothing compared to my umm….CRAP FACE SQUIRTLE!

 

(Davis pulls the card out and shoves it in David’s face)

(David eats the CRAP FACE SQUIRTLE card)

 

Davis: HEY! I PAYED 50 BUCKS FOR THAT!!

 

David: and, it didn’t taste bad one bit!

 

Davis: grrr…..i’m gonna kill you!

 

(Davis and David start biting and punching each other)
(Daveed smacks his head and starts shaking his head from left to right with his eyes closed)

 

Daveed: my god…CUT IT! JUST CUT-

 

(end)

Squackle Broadcasting Company, Films

Billy Gets a Job!

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(note: this is VERY stupid, but i dont give a crap…)

Manager Man: hello Mr. Boast, would you please sit down?

Billy: why, i would love too!

Mangager Man: um…ok….

(billy sits down on a chair closest to the door, but farthest from Mangager Man)

Mangager Man: So..you applied to our toy store, to make new ideas for toys?

Billy: yes, i did. i have many….ideas, for new toys

Mangager Man: Hmm, that’s good. What school did you go to for high school?

Billy: I went to a school in Washington

Mangager Man: Why are you looking for a job in New York then?

Billy: I just came here to work for your fine toy store!

Mangager Man: Oh, ok…what ideas do you have for new toys?

Billy: Well, there could be a Post-apocoliptyc type of doll living in a Bomb Shelter, and the ceiling would come off and the doll would enjoy all the modern lifestyles of home: canned food, fold up chairs, fold up tables, and on the outside can be a bunch of craters and crap strewn around the backyard too.

Manager Man: ok, you’re hired!

Billy: yay!

Manager Man: you start in 5 minutes, the sweat shop is upstairs, past the guards

Billy (getting up): thank you!

(end)

Squackle Broadcasting Company, Films

A KKK Story

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i made this thing for a skit that we were doing in school about this subject. of course, all the juicy parts were cut out and made into a 30 sec piece in a skit that really fuckin sucked because it was cut

–

Characters:

mother

daughter

KKK guy

KKK guy 2

KKK guy 3

KKK guy 4

(the mom is just standing in the middle of the room staring at a wall)

(daughter comes in yelling)

daughter (yelling): mommy, mommy! i’m home from school!

mother: yay!!!!!!!!!!!!

(the mother and daughter run around the room 2 times)

mother: what did you learn today in school, daughter?!?!?!!?!?!

daughter: we learned about a time period called Reconstruction, which took place after the Civil War!

mother: oh, that’s nice!!!

daughter: YEAH!!

(daughter and mother run around the room again)

mother: whee!!!

daughter: mommy, what is the KKK?

(mother gasps and grabs daughter by the shoulders and pins her to the wall)

mother: never speak those 3 letters in this house again!

daughter: but it was only 1 letter 3 times!

mother: glah glah glah! the KKK is a very bad thing! they beat people down just because of their race, because after the Civil War, they opposed Reconstruction! They joined the Democratic party! Do you see what i mean???

daughter: yeah!

(outside, 4 KKK guys are parading on the sidewalk cheering the same thing over and over)

KKK guy: boo!

KKK guy 2: Bill Clinton forever!

KKK guy 3: whee!!

KKK guy 4: down with Reconstruction!

(inside)

mother: oh nooo!!!! they’ve come!

daughter (yelling at KKK guys): wasn’t Reconstruction over a hundred years ago?

KKK guy 4: ….OOPS! uh…BEAT HER DOWN, NOW!!!!!!!

KKK guys: gggggggglllllllllllaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

(KKK guys run at daughter and daughter falls)

mother: nooo!! leave my daughter alone!

KKK guy 2: NO! we like kicking people in the head until they bleed! she hasn’t started bleeding yet, so we can’t stop!

KKK guy: this is fun!

KKK guy 3: whee!!! KICK! KICK! KICK!

(daughter screams)

daughter: ouch! stop it you meanies!

KKK guy (thinking for a few seconds): hmm…no

mother: aggghhhh!! help! help!

(mother runs around the room a couple times)

KKK guy: hey! this is getting boring, lets go to a 7 11 and beat some Pepsis and cream sodas out of guys over there!!!

KKK guys: YEAH!!!!

(KKK guys run out)

mother (going over to daughter): do you see now? They beat people up for no reason!

daughter: oh…i didn’t understand that until i got beaten…

mother: YAY! you’ve learned!

(mother and daughter run around the room screaming and laughing)

(end)

Squackle Broadcasting Company, Films

Generation Gap

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I found this.

—————-

(Dad is watching TV in the living room while smoking a cigarette)

 

Johnny: Oh my god dad, what are you doing?  Don’t smoke cigarettes in the house, it smells.  I don’t appreciate it when you are always smoking in the house.  I don’t wanna die of 2nd hand smoke.

 

Dad: Shut up.  I am the ruler of the house.  Don’t argue with what I do or say, I am the LAW.

 

Johnny: Stop joking around dad.  (Pops out a cigarette) Fine then, you can do it, then so can I.

 

Dad: Ey, what the hell is going on?  When did you start smoking?

 

Johnny:  A long time ago dad.  I just never knew how to tell you and now is the perfect chance cuz you’re smoking and I can just smoke with you.

 

Mom: Oh god, Johnny started smoking?  Honey, aren’t you going to do something?

 

Dad: Sure honey.  (Gives Johnny a light)  There you go son.  Now that you’re starting to mature, I can tell you about all those little things that i never told you about before.

 

Grandma: Jim, don’t let Johnny smoke, its very unhealthy.  Back in my times when they didn’t really know that smoking was that bad for you health, it was alright.  Now they know that it leads to lung cancer and all these other diseases.  So educate your son.

 

Dad: As long as he doesn’t do drugs, its alright.  Smoking isn’t that bad.  As long as he isn’t smoking that opium stuff or anything else.

 

Johnny: What about weed, dad?  Weed isn’t a drug, is it?  It’s a plant that comes from the ground and you smoke it, and it makes you feel good.

 

Dad: Back in the 70’s, Weed was alright to smoke, partially cuz we had to smoke it in the Vietnam War.  The THC level in marijuana these days has increased by almost 50 times since then.  You shouldn’t smoke it, but if I told you not to smoke, I’d be a hippocrit.

 

Johnny:  Thanks for being so honest dad.

 

Dad:  I wish all parents were as honest as me.  Then they could communicate with their children better.  I just hope that we have a really good relationship.

 

Grandma: I remember that my husband used to smoke weed when he went to war and then he came back that he told me that it was everywhere and all the other soldiers smoked it, so then you had to smoke it with them.

 

Dad: May his soul rest in peace.

 

Mom: Could we please not talk about father?  He reminds me of a sad time within our life when there was no happiness.

 

Dad: Sure, honey.  Let’s all stop talking about it.  Who wants to have the daily family discussion?

 

Mom: So, what kind of music does everybody enjoy listening to?  I’ve heard those new tunes these days and that rap music really disturbs me.

 

Johnny: Why don’t you like it mother, it’s a hip beat and you go with the flow.

 

Mom: All that profanity and vulgar language disturbs me. They always talk about Weed here, sex here, and some more sex there, violence, killing, and I mean, come on now, what kind of music is that?

 

Johnny: Better than that disco crap that dad used to listen to.  You and your afros and afro picks, I mean come on.  With those, sorry to say, but gay looking clothes, I mean flares on girls these days is alright, but come on.  Flares on guys, you looked really gay.

 

Dad: Are you dissing my heritage, dude?  That’s not cool.

 

Johnny: Stop trying to be funny dad.  Don’t try to talk like us, when you aren’t one of us.

 

Dad: That’s it.  I’m sick of this nonsense.  You’re grounded, you’re staying home until you graduate high school and turn 18 then you can get out of my house, but until then, you are gonna have to stay in your room all day.  GO study and do some homework and don’t get on that phone again.

 

Johnny:  This is bullshit.  This sucks.

 

Mom: Listen to your father honey, before he gets more angry.

 

Grandma: You’re just overreacting son.  Don’t worry Johnny, just go up to your room and I’ll bring you some pie and some pizza, ok?

 

Johnny: Thanks grandma, I love you…

 

Grandma: Me Too Johnny.

 

(end)

Films, Squackle Broadcasting Company

A Bum and His Beer Bottle

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Setting:  A street suggests a curb.  A bum is sitting on it.  whee.  I am a horse.

Boy:  Hey mister bum!

Bum:  ::farts::  Hi kid  ::burp!::

Boy:  You sure are fucked up.  I bet you could use some money.

Bum:  Mraph!

Boy:  I’ve got 300 dollars!  I’m gonna get some can-dah!

Bum:  Get me some.

Boy:  What?

Bum:  I want some of the candy you get.

Boy:  That’s not what you said.

Bum:  Get me some.

Boy:  I said – that’s not what you said

Bum:  Mraph!!

Boy:  What the hell was that?!

Bum:  Go away

Boy:  It’s a free country!  AH HA HA HA!!!

(Bum throws a broken beer bottle at the boy’s crotch)

Boy:  OW!  #$#*$%@#*!!!  YOU GET NO CANDY!!!