A guy’s walking down the street and sees Johnny smoking a cigarette. “Hey kid, you’re too young to smoke.”
Johnny looks up but says nothing.
“How old are you?”
“Six,” Johnny says.
“Six? When did you start smoking?”
“Right after the first time I got laid.”
“Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?”
Johnny says, “I don’t remember, I was drunk.”
There was a little boy walking one day and he walked by this house. On the front porch of the house was an old man. The man says to the boy, “Where are you going with that chicken wire?” The boy says, “To catch chickens!” The man says, “You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!” After a couple of hours the boy returns with a dozen chickens on the wire. The man was amazed and the asked the boy for his secret. He did not reveal it. The next day, the same boy walked by the same man but now with duct tape. “Where you going with duct tape, boy?” “To catch ducks!” “You can’t catch ducks with duct tape!” “Watch!” says the boy. A few hours later, he returns with ducks lined along the tape. Again the old man was amazed and really wanted the secret. The next day after, the boy walks by again. The old man says, ” Where you going with that stick?” The boy says, “This ain’t no stick, this here is a pussy willow.” The old man says, “Wait here so I can grab my hat and I’ll be right with ya!”
Maria is a devout Catholic. (No condoms for her!) She gets married and has 17 children…and then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later…and has 22 children by her second husband. She dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens, and says, “At last…they’re finally together.” A man standing next to him asks, “Excuse me, Father, but do you mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?”
“No,” the priest says politely, “I mean her LEGS.”
One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:
Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I’m in hell.
Demon: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin’ man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequilai Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab… we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more. And if you drink yourself to death, it’s okay… you’re already dead anyway!
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Demon: Alright! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it’s okay… you’re already dead anyway!
Guy: No shit!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.
Guy: Hmmm, I never played pai gow before…
Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don’t mean…
Demon: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it’s okay… you’re already dead anyway!
Guy: yeah! I never realized that hell was such a swingin’ place!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Demon: Oooh, you’re gonna hate Fridays…
I.
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
II.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per house-hold; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second — 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
III.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the “flying” reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can’t be done with eight or even nine of them — Santa would need 360,000 of them.This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
IV.
600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second crates enormous air resistance — this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g’s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
V.
Therefore, if Santa did exist, he’s dead now…
1) When Kissing make sure your eyes are closed.
2) When you are kissing someone make sure it is not someone else’s b/f or g/f!!
3) You may NOT eat pizza anytime before you make out.
4) If a person is a bad kisser, you MAY NOT stop and leave at anytime, it’s rude.
5) A person with braces may not kiss another person who has them.
6) When kissing make sure your hands are where there allowed (they can wander sometimes and some people don’t like that)
7) NEVER ask someone if you’re a good kisser, you will either get a wrong answer, or the truth will hurt you.
8 ) If you were expecting More Than Kissing don’t complain, you will get less the next time.
9) Kissing more than one person in a day can result in you not being allowed to kiss one of those parties anymore
Top Five Places To Go On A First Date:
1) Movies
2) Shopping
3) To A Dance
4) Ice Skating
5) Theme Park
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Top Five Places NOT To Go On A First Date:
1) Double Date
2) Out To Eat
3) Bowling
4) Their House To Meet Their Parents
5) A Sports Event
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Top Three Things To Say To Your Girl Date:
1) Wow… you look amazing!
2) I Love You.
3) Wanna Sit In The Back?
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Top Three Things To Say To Your Guy Date:
1) You’re such a hottie!
2) I Love You.
3) Where Do You Want To Make Out?
–
If You’re A Guy, DON’T wear:
1) A Tux
2) Baggy Jeans And An Old Shirt
3)Anything That Shows Your Stomach
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If You’re A Girl, DON’T Wear:
1) Jeans And A Tee Shirt
2) Short Shorts And Tight Shirts- If You’re Fat
3) Sandals If You’re Toenails Are Long
–
If You’re A Girl, DON’T Say This To You’re Date:
1) Does This Make Me Look Fat?
2) Do I Have Something In My Teeth?
3) You’re Alot Nicer Than My Old Boyfriend
Disabling StartUp Programs In Win 98/ME/XP
In the System Configuration Utility:
1. Click your Start button, then click Run. Type MSCONFIG and click Ok.
2. Click the StartUp tab.
3. You will see a long list of programs with check boxes next to them. Uncheck all the programs except the following:
Registry Scan
Systray
Explorer
4. Reboot your computer and see how it runs.
You can always go back to the MSCONFIG window and recheck items if you find that you absolutely must have them launch at start up.
In Win.Ini File:
1. Click Start button, click Run, type SYSEDIT, click OK.
2. Click the C:\WINDOWS\WIN.INI tab.
3. Look near the top for a section called [Windows]. In that section, look for the load= and run= lines. If those lines are empty, just close the System Configuration window. If there is anything in those lines, put a semi-colon in front of the line, so it would look like this:
;run=c:\etc
;load=c:\etc
This will prevent the programs reference here from loading at startup; if you remove the semi-colon, the programs will again load at startup.
In the Windows Registry:
1. Click Start button, click Run, type RegEdit, click OK, to open the Registry Editor.
2. Click HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE, then SOFTWARE, then Microsoft, then Windows\CurrentVersion, then RUN.
3. In the right window pane, you will find programs that load when Win 95 starts. Right click your mouse on the one you wish to turn off at startup, click Delete.
4. Close the Registry Editor.
Disabling StartUp programs in Win 95
To see what programs you have running, press CTRL + ALT + DEL one time. This shows you a Close Program list. You want the Systray available, but most of these programs can be disabled so they do not load when you start your computer.
In the Startup Folder:
1. Right click your Start button, click Open.
2. Double click the Programs folder; double click the StartUp folder.
3. Highlight each item in the folder and press the Delete key on your keyboard. Do this for all items. Or, you can simply move the items to some other temporary folder using Win95’s cut and paste. This does not remove the programs from your computer; it just removes the shortcuts for those programs from the StartUp Folder. These shortcuts can always be recreated and moved back into the StartUp folder if you want.
4. Reboot your computer.
Press CTRL + ALT + DEL to check for any programs that are left. If you still have programs listed, do the following:
In Win.Ini File:
1. Click Start button, click Run, type SYSEDIT, click OK.
2. Click the C:\WINDOWS\WIN.INI tab.
3. Look near the top for a section called [Windows]. In that section, look for the load= and run= lines. If those lines are empty, just close the System Configuration window. If there is anything in those lines, put a semi-colon in front of the line, so it would look like this:
;run=c:\etc
;load=c:\etc
This will prevent the programs reference here from loading at startup; if you remove the semi-colon, the programs will again load at startup.
In the Windows Registry:
1. Click Start button, click Run, type RegEdit, click OK, to open the Registry Editor.
2. Click HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE, then SOFTWARE, then Microsoft, then Windows\CurrentVersion, then RUN.
3. In the right window pane, you will find programs that load when Win 95 starts. Right click your mouse on the one you wish to turn off at startup, click Delete.
4. Close the Registry Editor.
1. Take a long narrow strip of paper
2. Give the strip a half-twist
3. Tape the ends together. The result is a Möbius band
1. Don appropriately comfortable clothes (a.k.a grubbies)
2. Pop mega bowl of Orville’s Gourmet popping corn
3. Locate remote. Allow body to fall backwards. Elevate feet.
4. Pop fluffy kernel into mouth. Repeat. Repeat. Move over – you’ve got company!
1. Read the chapter title. The title provides the overall topic of the chapter.
2. Read the chapter subtitle (if included). The subtitle suggests the specific focus or approach to the topic of the chapter.
3. Read any focus questions at the beginning of the chapter. These questions indicate what is very important in the chapter. They are meant to guide your reading and help you be on the lookout for their answers.
4. Read the chapter introduction or first paragraph. The introduction, or first paragraph if there is no introduction, serves as a lead-in to the chapter. It gives you an idea of where the material is starting and where it is heading.
5. Read each boldface subheading. The boldface subheading will give you an idea of the major topic of the following chapter sections.
6. Read the first (topic) sentence of each paragraph. The first sentence often tells you what the paragraph is about or states the central thought. However, be aware that in some material the first sentence may instead function as an attention getter or transition statement. In this case, go on to the second sentence to try to determine the main idea of the paragraph.
7. Look over any typographical aids. Notice important chapter terms that are emphasized by being written in slanted italic type or in dark boldface type; often a definition or an example of a new key term follows.
8. Look over any other visual aids. Notice any material that is numbered 1, 2, 3, lettered a, b, c, or presented in list form. Graphs, charts, pictures, diagrams, and maps are other means of emphasis and are usually included to point out what is important in the chapter.
9. Read the last paragraph or summary. The last paragraph or summary gives a considered view of the chapter and helps you identify important ideas. Often the summary outlines the chapter’s main points.
10. Read quickly any end-of-chapter material. If there are study questions, read through them quickly since they will indicate what is important in the chapter. If a vocabulary list is included, skim through the list rapidly to identify terms you will need to learn as you read.
–
davepoobond: in conclusion, this takes longer than reading the whole chapter anyway, so just read the chapter and forget about prereading…
If your system is running slower than usual you might need to run these built-in Windows utilities: ScanDisk and Disk Defragmenter. ScanDisk checks your hard drive for errors and fixes them if it finds any, and Disk Defragmenter arranges file data so that it can be efficiently accessed when you need it.
Before you run these utilities, do the following:
1. Close AOL, PowerTools, and any other open applications.
2. During defragmentation, disk Defragmenter must restart each time other programs write to the disk. Therefore, be sure that no programs are running. Press CTRL + ALT + DEL one time to bring up the Close Programs list. Highlight each program listed there, except for Explorer and Systray, and click End Task. (These programs will automatically be reloaded when you reboot your computer.)
3. Empty your Recycle Bin.
4. While these utilities are running, don’t try to do any other computing functions; this may interfere with the process.
ScanDisk
Run ScanDisk anytime your computer goes down improperly (like a power outage), when you are thrown offline, when you get GPF or IPG error messages, and when you accidentally shut down your computer without closing programs. Running ScanDisk immediately after such problems can locate and repair problems and may prevent severe damage to good programs and data later. Because errors like crosslinked files can grow in magnitude, early corrective action is best. Always run ScanDisk before you run the Disk Defragmenter.
1. On your Windows95/98 Taskbar, click the START button, then highlight Programs > Accessories > System Tools > ScanDisk icon.
2. Select the drive you want to scan, usually C: If you are running programs on other drives, you may need to scan more than one drive. For Type of Test, select Standard, and put a check in the Automatically Fix Errors box.
3. Click Start and wait for the process to end. You should run a ScanDisk every time you get error messages that force you to close AOL and PowerTools.
Defragmenter
Defragmenter will put files and folders back into continuous units. This will improve hard disk performance, and increase the available free space (so you can save more data). Even if your system does an automatic defrag using the Scheduler, we recommend a manual defragmentation at least once or twice a week. When Disk Defragmenter is run on the Scheduler, Windows samples the drive first, and ONLY runs if fragmentation is high on that sample (which may not accurately reflect how fragmented the rest of the drive is). Running Defrag manually will remove all fragmentation without relying on a sample, thus ensuring a proper defrag.
1. On your Windows95 Taskbar, click on the Windows START button, then highlight Programs > Accessories > System Tools > Disk Defragmenter icon.
2. You will then be asked to select a drive, select your C: drive, then click OK. You may get a message saying you do not need to defrag your hard disk at this time. If the disk is more than 1% fragmented, run Defragmenter anyway. NOTE: If your hard drive is partitioned into more than one drive, you should do this process for all drives.
3. Win 98: Click the Settings button, then make sure Check the drive for errors is selected. If you choose “Rearrange program files so my programs start faster,” defrag will take much longer to complete. That option isn’t necessary each time you Defrag.
Win95: Click the Advanced button, then select Full Defragmentation. Be sure that Check drive for errors is selected. Also select Save these options and use them every time. Then click OK. [This is the optimal defrag setting for Win95, and we recommend using this each time you defrag the hard drive. Once you have these options selected, you will not need to click the Advanced button each time you defrag.] 4. Click OK, then OK (Win98) or START (Win95) When Defragmenter is complete, reboot your computer. When you are online a lot, you should run the Disk Defragmenter every 2-3 days. This will not harm your computer in any way.
USING SCANDISK & DEFRAG IN WINDOWS 3.1 Note:
Scandisk and Defrag are available only in DOS ver. 6.0 +. To check your DOS version, go to your C:\ prompt in DOS, type ver, then press ENTER. If your system is running slower than usual you might need to Scandisk and Defrag your hard drive(s). Scandisk checks your hard drive for errors and fixes them if it finds any, and the Defrag program organizes your hard drive so it will operate faster. This is called “defragmenting.” Please follow ALL the directions carefully:
DELETING TEMPORARY FILES
1. Close AOL and PowerTools.
2. Press CTRL + ESC keys to bring up the Task List. Highlight each listing except for Program Manager and click End Task. Repeat until only Program Manager is showing on the Task List.
3. Open File Manager in the Main Group in your Program Manager.
4. Highlight the C:\ at the top in the left window and click on File menu, then Search. At the search window type in: ~*.tmp and click OK. This will search out the temporary files which you can delete by highlighting each and clicking on File menu, the Delete. At the Delete window, say Yes.
5. After you finish removing ~tmp files, Exit File Manager to return back to Program Manager.
6. Close Program Manager: Click File menu, Exit. This will close Windows and put you in the DOS mode at the C:\ prompt.
7. To be absolutely certain that Windows is NOT running, type exit, and press the ENTER key. You should see C:\ once again. If not, you should not use Scandisk/Defrag.
SCANDISK
1. To run Scandisk from DOS at the C:\ prompt, type scandisk and press Enter. Scandisk begins to examine your disk. During this process, scandisk may find files that need to be corrected or are being misreported. If this occurs choose “Fix It” and at the next prompt choose “Skip undo.” If there are more than one file to be fixed, this process will repeat. When complete, choose Exit.
2. When Scandisk finishes, it will ask if you wish to do a surface Scan for bad segments. It is recommended to preform this operation at least twice a month.
DEFRAG
1. Once you return to the C:\ prompt, type defrag c: /f as it appears here. Include the spaces. This will begin the process of defragmentation. CAUTION! This process may take from several minutes to an hour or more, depending on how fragmented your hard drive is and on the speed of your processor. Do NOT turn off the computer during this time. When the process has finished, restart your computer. If you have more than one hard drive, you should perform Scandisk and Defrag on those drives as well. To switch drives: At the C:\ prompt, type the letter of the other drive with a colon and a backslash; for example, D:\, then press ENTER. That will change the drive, and you can repeat the Scandisk and Defrag processes above.
Quenya Font (TrueType) (114.2 KiB, 2,463 hits)
A weird font thingy made by Grey Company ( http://www.grey-company.org/ ) elves...
Pokemon font (2.2 KiB, 2,543 hits)
use the font that was used in Pokemon. Isn't that SPECTACULAR!?! I DONT KNOW WHY I EVEN HAVE THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!111@@@111###4^^%##45
tel'Mithrim Elven Phrase Book (57.1 KiB, 2,466 hits)
A phrase book using elven language or whatever, made by Grey Company elves...yay...Handy phrases and sayings