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Jokes

Joke #5255: Cow Butt

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A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball…stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.”

“What did you do?”, asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,

“Hey, this looks like yours!”

Jokes

Joke #5254: Keep Daddy Thin

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One night, a young boy heard noises from his parent’s bedroom. It was hard for him, but he went back to sleep.

The next night he heard the same noises, but once again fell back asleep. Finally, on the third day that he was woken up by his parents, he decides to see what the heck they are doing. So he walks up to his parents room, and sees his mother on top of his father. She is moving up and down on top of him, and they both are making grunting noises. He has no idea what is going on, and decides to go back to bed.

The next morning the boy tells his mother about how they woke him up, and what he saw when he went to see what they were doing. Finally, he asks what was going on. His mother decides he is too young to learn about sex, so she tells him that since his father is getting old and fat, she has to jump on top on him to keep him thin. “But mommy,” the boy exclaims, “That won’t work, cause everyday when you go to work, the next door neighboor comes over and blows him back up!”

Jokes

Joke #5253: The Lady and The Bank President

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A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s alot of money!”

 

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?

 

“The old lady replied, “I make bets.”

 

The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?

 

“The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”

 

“Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!”

 

The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?”

 

“Sure,” said the president, “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!”

 

The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10 am as a witness?”

 

“Sure!” replied the confident president.

 

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

 

The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!” The president agreed with the betagain and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, Okay,” said the president, “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?” She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10 am today I’d have The Bank of Canada’s president’s balls in my hand.”

Jokes

Joke #5252: Car Problems

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My wife came home yesterday and said, “Honey, the car won’t start, but I know what the problem is.”

 

I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.

 

I thought for a moment, then said, “You know I don’t mean this badly, but you don’t know the carburetor from the accelerator.”

 

“No, there’s definitely water in the carburetor” she insisted.

 

“OK, Honey, that’s fine, I’ll just go take a look. Where is it?”

 

“In the lake!”

Jokes

Joke #5251: Slacker

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A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.

This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

 

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.

The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO, walks up the guy and asks – “and how much money do you make a week?”

 

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $200.00 a week. Why?”

 

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams – “here’s a week’s pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”

 

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks – “does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?”

 

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters –

“Pizza delivery guy”.

Jokes

Joke #5250: Flippin’ Dog

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, ‘No pets allowed.’

 

The man replies, ‘This is a special dog. Turn on the Cowboys game and you’ll see.’

 

The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turns on the game.

 

The guy says, ‘Watch. Whenever the Cowboys score, my dog does flips.’The Cowboys keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.

 

‘Wow! That’s one hekuva dog you got there! What happens when the Cowboys score a touchdown?’

 

The man replies, ‘I don’t know. I’ve only had him for 2 years.’

Jokes

Joke #5248: The Doctor’s Patients

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A doctor of psychology was doing his morning rounds when he entered a patient’s room. He found his first patient sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Another patient was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

 

The doctor asked the patient on the floor what he was doing. The patient replied, “Can’t you see! I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?”

 

The doctor then inquired as to why the other guy was hanging from the ceiling. The guy on the floor says, “Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a light bulb Doc.”

 

The doctor looks up and notices the guys face is going all red.

 

The doctor asks the wood cutter… “If he’s your friend, don’t you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?”

 

And the patient replies – “What? And work in the dark!”

Jokes

Joke #5247: Family Vacation

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The telephone rings in the principal’s office at a school.

 

“Hello, this is Dunn Elementary,” answers the principal.

 

“Hi. Jimmy won’t be able to come to school all next week,” replies the voice.

 

“Well, what seems to be the problem with him?”

 

“We are all going on a family vacation,” says the voice, “I hope it is all right.”

 

“I guess that would be fine,” says the principal. “May I ask who is calling?”

 

“Sure. This is my father!”

Lists

Van Gogh’s Family Tree

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After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh

The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh

His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh

The Mexican cousin’s American half brother: Grin Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh

The constipated uncle: Can’t Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh

The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh

The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh

His Italian uncle: Day Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh

Jokes

Joke #5238: Not So Lucky

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One day three guys (Dave, Ryan, & Mark) were driving down to Florida for spring break when they get pulled over for speeding. The cop is a woman, and she looks at the three guys and says “I’ll tell you what…I don’t feel like writing up a report today, so if you boys can show me 20 inches of meat, I’ll let you go.”

The guys agree and step out of the car. Dave unzips his pants and shows the cop his 10 incher. the cop says “Wow Impressive! 10 inches, almost there.” Then Ryan unzips his pants, and flashes his 7 incher. “Almost there!” and Mark unzips his pants and pulls out his 2 incher. The cop says “Well…That’s close enough. I’ll let you guys go anyway.” So she goes back to her car and drives off.
The guys get back in their car and drive off. Dave says to the other guys “Man you guys are lucky I had my 10 incher.” and Ryan says “Well you guys are lucky I had my 7 incher!” and Mark goes “Man you guys are lucky I had a boner!!”

Site Updates

UPDATE 9-03-07

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davepoobond: HI EVERYBODY!  I’ve been hard at work on the new interpretation of Squackle that will hopefully make the experience a lot better to wade through the massive amount of content I’ve got on this site.  You can see my progress at https://squackle.com/ .  The new blog-style format will be a lot easier for me to manage, which means more content will be posted — maybe even on a daily basis!  I’ve already added all the dictionary words I intend to add from the existing dictionary.  The blog site will eventually become the main Squackle.com, but fear not, the original site will be kept up for all eternity.  So if you like the current format, it’ll stay like this forever, just not updated anymore.

Go now!  https://squackle.com/ https://squackle.com/ https://squackle.com/

Jokes

Joke #5234: The Grounded Conductor

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Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

 

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”

 

Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.”

 

“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.

 

“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there”, answers Tom.

 

“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.

 

“Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”

 

“What if the phone was busy?”

 

“In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station”.

 

“What if that had been vandalized?”

 

“Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo”.

 

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”

 

“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”

Jokes

Joke #5233: We Don’t Serve Snails…

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A bartender and he was closing up for the night when he hears a knock at the door. He opened it and looked around, but saw no one. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he sees a small snail.

 

The snail says, “Hey Barkeep!…Can you get me a drink?”

 

“I’m afraid I can’t,” the bartender said. “First of all, we’re closed. And second of all, we don’t serve snails here!” With that, he picks up the snail and throws it across the street.

 

One week later, the same bartender was closing up for the night when again there’s a knock at the door. He opens the door but sees nobody. He looks down and sees the exact same snail from the week before.

 

Angrily, the snail looks up at him and yells… “What the heck did you do THAT for?!!!!!!”