Lisa, my co-worker at the travel agency, needed to send a letter of apology to a customer whose trip was a complete fiasco from start to finish. I reminded her of a similar situation a year earlier and dug out the letter I’d written then.
“All you have to do,” I told her, “is to change the details, the date, and the name.”
She looked it over and smiled wryly. “We won’t even need to change the name.”
Playing golf with his buddies, George had to make a slick 25-foot putt. As he lined it up, he announced, “I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?”
His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. Too bad, George missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money.
George pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written, ‘I can make this putt.’
His pals are still trying to collect on the bet…and George is too.
Cassie walked into a gift shop that sold religious items.
Near the cash register she saw a display of caps with WWJD printed on all of them. She asked the clerk what the letters were supposed to mean, and the clerk replied that the letters stood for What Would Jesus Do, and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation.
Cassie thought a moment and then replied, “Well, I don’t think Jesus would pay $17.95 for one of these caps.”
After a particularly inspiring worship service, a church member greeted the pastor. “Reverend, that was a wonderful sermon. You should have it published.”
The pastor replied, “Actually, I’m planning to have all my sermons published posthumously.”
“Great!” enthused the church member. “The sooner the better!”
Our supervisor recently made a casual comment about my shaggy mane of hair. He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem more mature.
“How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?” I asked.
“Still employed,” he answered.
Our crew at an ambulance company works 24-hour shifts. The sleeping quarters consist of a large room with several single beds, so we get to know one another’s habits, like who snores or talks in his sleep. While I was having my teeth examined by a dentist one day, he noticed that some of my teeth were chipped.
“It looks like you clench your jaw at night,” he said.
“No way,” I blurted without thinking. “No one has ever said I grind my teeth, and I sleep with a lot of people!”
No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet.
The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked her right in the chin.
A guy accidentally puts his car into reverse and backs into a guard rail. So he asks his blonde girlfriend to jump out and tell him if the blinkers are still working.
The blonde walks around to the back of the car and says… “Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no…”
I’d been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.
“You’ll get $24,” said the clerk.
“This is insane,” I protested as I wrote out the check.
“I know,” replied the clerk sympathetically. “I’ve always thought that a person who buys a book for $96 and then sells it back for $24 should fail the course.”
A young couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at a rattlesnake farm they discovered along the road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
“Gosh!” exclaimed the young woman. “You certainly have a dangerous job. Don’t you ever get bitten by the snakes?”
“Yes, on rare occasions,” answered the handler.
“Well,” she continued, “what do you do when you’re bitten by a snake?”
“I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make cut across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound.”
“What, uh…what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?” persisted the woman.
“Ma’am,” answered the snake handler, “that will be the day I learn who my real friends are.”
I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.
“How do you know when you’re at 300 feet?” asked one woman.
“A good question,” replied the instructor. “At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
I’m a young guy who hates to cook. She’s a beautiful waitress who serves food. Of course, I was in love. But even though I frequently ordered out from her restaurant, I figured she didn’t even know I existed. Then one day, after placing an order, I asked if she needed my name.
“No,” she said. “I remember you.”
Now I was on cloud nine. But I quickly fell back to Earth when I got my food. Inside the bag was the sales slip. On it she had written, “Cheeseburger, Med.–Fries–Large Coke, for nerdy guy with bad haircut.”
An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest’s much-loved roses.
“Not bad,” said the priest, “but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death.”
“What on earth is that?” asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge.
“Nuns with scissors.”
You know how in first grade they used fruits to explain stuff like “one banana plus two bananas make three bananas”? Here’s a list of high school math courses based on bananas:
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Algebra I – A
You have a negative banana (possibly made of antimatter). Add two bananas to it and you get one banana.
Algebra I – B
You have a banana. Factor it, or solve for apples using the quadratic formula.
Geometry
Prove: Bananas are not vegetables. Given: Bananas are fruits.
Algebra II
You have an imaginary banana. Square it, and you get one of those weird anti-matter bananas. The student learns that their dreams will become reality if they only raise them to the fourth power.
Pre-Calculus
What is the cosecant of Pi over 2 bananas in a unit apple?
Calculus AB
The student learns to find the slope of a banana.
Calculus BC
The student learns to find the slope of a banana and also to find the area under the banana.
Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, “Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it.”
So she drove the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him,
switched the TV channel, and said to him, “Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I’m having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes.”