I sat with my infant son in front of the TV, hostage to my husband’s channel-surfing. He eventually settled on an R-rated movie in which the actress was soon topless.
“Honey, change the channel,” I said, shielding my son’s eyes. “He shouldn’t see this.”
“It’s okay.” my husband replied. “He probably thinks it’s the Food Network.”
A woman said to her friend, “I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things.”
The friend says, “Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, ‘Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'”
The first woman asked, “Did it help?”
Her friend said, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since.”
If College Students Wrote the Bible…
– The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning – cold.
– The Ten Commandments would actually be only five; double spaced and written in large font.
– A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
– Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t cafeteria food.
– Paul’s letter to the Romans would become Paul’s E-mail to abuse@romans.gov.
– Reason Cain killed Abel; they were roommates.
– Reason why Moses and followers walked the desert for 40 years; they didn’t want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
– Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
One evening I was driving my six-year-old daughter to her grandparents’ home for an overnight stay. It was late, there was little traffic and we were enjoying a peaceful ride. It was a far cry from the usual chaos surrounding us when I drive her to various activities during rush hour.
My daughter seemed deep in thought when she said, “I have a question.”
“What do you want to know?”
“Mom, when you’re driving,” she asked, “are you ever the idiot?”
For the first few months of her co-op job for the state of Georgia, my sister had nothing to do, so she surfed the Web or did crossword puzzles. One day she expressed her boredom to a co-worker.
“I know,” she complained. “Everyone thinks state workers have it easy. But there’s only so much you can pretend you’re doing.”
During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After class, before she left, I asked her, “Are you okay? I noticed you were holding onto your side.”
“Oh, I’m fine,” she answered. “It’s just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little.”
“Well, that’s good,” I said, feeling relieved.
“Yeah,” she continued. “It’s strange. He normally sleeps during your class.”
10. Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit.
9. She’s been wearing an engagement ring for three weeks, but you don’t recall proposing to her.
8. She just started a college course that meets seven nights a week.
7. She says she has to tell you something… on Jerry Springer.
6. Her love letters come soaked in formaldehyde rather than perfume.
5. Whenever she introduces you it’s always “I would like you to meet an old friend of mine…”
4. She leaves a message on your phone and identifies herself by both her first and last names.
3. Your other girlfriend told you so.
2. The dartboard behind your photo on her wall.
1. Her girlfriends look at you, tilt their heads, and say, “You haven’t got a clue, do you?”
A hesitant driver, waiting for traffic to clear, came to a complete stop on the freeway ramp.
Shortly, the traffic thinned out but the driver still waited.
Finally a furious voice from the vehicle behind him cried, “Hey, you jerk! The sign says ‘Yield’, not surrender!”
10. A twinkie for everyone in the country.
9. Develop and market an action-figure doll of yourself.
8. Get yourself one a’ them “Pentagon quality” toilet bowls.
7. Buy the biggest trailer in West Virginia, and then put a new BMW on blocks in the front yard.
6. Pay for a top-notch therapist to deal with the feeling that, compared to Bill Gates, you’re still not rich.
5. At long last: a home-slurpee machine of your VERY OWN!
4. Four words: Prank call to Antarctica.
3. Goodbye aluminum siding: Hello golden siding.
2. Get it all in pennies and ride the horse in front of K-mart, FOREVER!
1. Donate it to a college. Then they can name a building after you: “Lucky Bastard Hall”
My wife and I were having lunch at a fashionable eatery in Annapolis when we noticed what looked like a familiar face at the next table. Screwing up my courage, I asked, “Excuse me. Aren’t you Marlin Fitzwater, the former White House press secretary?”
“Yes, I am,” he acknowledged, and graciously interrupted his lunch to talk to us.
As we were leaving the restaurant, I remarked to the hostess, “Do you know you have Marlin Fitzwater on the terrace?”
“I’m not sure about that,” she replied, “but we have Perrier and Evian at the bar.”
He was a young Pastor, and as usual, he was running late getting into town…. and he was speeding.
Then to top it off, he looked in the review mirror only to see the lights of the Highway Patrol! Already late for church and figuring he’d try for leniency, he quickly slapped his Bible on the dash of his car as the trooper walked up to the window and asked to see his drivers license.
Looking at his name and title on the license, the trooper asked, “You’re a Reverend huh?” The young Pastor affirmed that.
The trooper then began writing out a speeding ticket and said, “Well, Reverend; your speedometer runneth over.”
As the trooper handed him the ticket and started to walk away, his last comment was, “Oh, by the way…. the Bible on the dash…. nice touch.”
My teenaged niece Elizabeth was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson.
As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, “Turn left here, and don’t forget to let the people behind you know what you’re doing.”
Elizabeth turned to the students sitting in the backseat and announced, “I’m going left.”
My husband had run to the store with our daughters, Sarah (4) and Hannah (2) and on the way home he drove through a neighborhood looking for houses for sale. After a bit Sarah asked, “Daddy, what are we doing?”
My husband said he was looking at the houses that were for sale.
Sarah asked “Are you gonna buy a new house?”
Dad replied “Maybe.”
Then Sarah said with much concern, “But Dad, how will we get it HOME?!”
Using a new painting program on my computer, I managed to come up with a very credible still life of fruit.
I made a color printout and sent it to my daughter, a graphic designer. She called when it arrived. “Isn’t it good?” I asked.
She chuckled, and in a tone that echoed mine from years ago, replied, “Mom, it’s beautiful. We put it on the refrigerator.”
One day a child at my four-year-old’s preschool class told her classmates that she needed a ‘damp towel.’
Some of the other kids thought she said a naughty word and told on her.
The teacher stepped in to explain, “If your mommy asked you to bring her a damp towel, what does she want?”
A little girl blurted out, “She means she wants that towel right now!”