Our daughter Wendy stayed home to housesit while my wife and I went away for our anniversary. As she was eating dinner, the phone rang. It was a telemarketer.
Wendy: “Hello?”
Telemarketer: “Good evening. May I speak to Mr. Gallamore?”
Wendy: “I’m sorry, but he’s out of town celebrating his wedding anniversary.”
Telemarketer: “Oh, I understand. Well, then, may I please speak to Mrs. Gallamore?”
Rummaging through her attic one day, my friend Kathryn found an old shotgun. Unsure how to dispose of it, she called her parents.
“Take it to the police station,” her mother suggested. My friend was about to hang up when her mom added….
“And, Kathryn?”
“Yes, mom?”
“Call them first and let them know you’re coming.”
A steam locomotive passing through Poland one night was running low on coal.
The engineer said to his fireman, “We’re coming to a town, let’s stop and send the porter out to get more coal. Can you see the name of the town on the depot sign?”
The fireman replied, “It appears to be Danzig in the dark.”
And the engineer shouted, “Buy coal, Porter!”
As a history buff, I was looking forward to staying in a hotel in Salisbury, England, that dated back to the 13th century.
But when I arrived, the hotel clerk gave me some bad news — my room was in the new section.
Disappointed, I asked when the ‘new’ section had been built.
“In the 1600s,” she replied apologetically.
A local newspaper was doing a story about how housing developments were eating up farmland, putting the livelihood of local farmers in jeopardy.
They interviewed Arthur Brown, a well-known and respected farmer who lived on the outskirts of town. He had received numerous high-dollar offers for on particular field which bordered a nearby housing development.
The photographer took a picture of Farmer Brown standing on the controversial piece of land. The picture appeared in the story and mentioned Farmer Brown as….
..”a man out-standing in his field.”
A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers. When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.
“I’ve had mine for twenty years,” she pleaded. “Couldn’t you change yours?”
The company refused, so she said, “Fine. From now on, I’m going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full.”
The company got a new number the next day.
Most elementary school children will be able to tell you that the first American flag was made by Betsy Ross.
What they are not taught was that she was also a social scientist who developed the techniques now used by Gallop and others.
It started when she asked a group of colonists what they thought of the flag she had made. This was the origin of … the flag poll.
On a business trip, my father approached a security check point at the airport. The National Guard shift was rotating, and a guard in full uniform was in line in front of him. As with everybody else, the soldier was ordered to go through the metal detector.
Before doing so, he handed his M-16 rifle to the security personnel along with other items such as handcuffs and a flashlight. Still, the alarm sounded when he walked through.
Further inspection revealed a little Swiss army knife inside one of his pockets. “Sorry Sir, but this item is prohibited,” security said to the soldier. Taking the knife away, the airport worker handed him back the M-16.
A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for his leg.
The first actuary quoted an annual premium of $500, estimating that the leg would burn once in 20 years and the value of the leg is $10,000.
The second actuary quoted an annual premium of $50. When the second actuary was asked how he arrived at such a small figure, he replied, “This situation is right here in the fire schedule rating table.
The object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler, isn’t it?”
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an Individual who asked what hours the call center was open.
I told him, “The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week”.
He responded, “Is that Eastern or Pacific time?”
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, “Uh… Pacific.”
An herpetologist (snake expert) brought several snakes to show a class at the local community college. A young brunette went up to him after the class to ask more about the snakes. She wanted to know if he had ever been bitten by a poisonous snake.
He said “Yep, several times. Most recently a rattler bit me right here”, and he showed the scar on his arm where the snake had sunk it’s fangs.
She looked at the man in awe and asked, “And you lived!?”
He looked at her, surprised, then grinned and said “You’re really a blonde, aren’t you?”
Our family-owned restaurant is the setting for many of our discussions about how to handle the customer who asks, “What’s good tonight?”
Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn’t think was good. I braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my husband.
He calmly replied, “Anything over $13.95.”
Desperate for a unique Halloween costume for an up-coming party, my friend, Jessica had an inspired idea.
She put on a slinky dress and fishnet stockings, and then balanced a small table-top on her head. Affixed to it was a lamp, a champagne glass and an ashtray with two cigarette butts.
She went as a ‘one night stand’……and won first prize!
Our six year old son was all excited about his Halloween costume. “I’m going to be the Pope,” he said.
“Jake, you can’t be the Pope,” I said. “You’re not Catholic. You’re Lutheran.”
Jake hadn’t thought about that. So he considered his alternatives. After a few minutes, he asked,
“Is Dracula a Lutheran?”
Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city.
One asked the other, “Your son go back to college yet?”
“Two days ago.”
“Hm. Mine’s a senior this year, so it’s almost over. In May, he’ll be an engineer.”
“What’s your boy going to be when he gets out of college?”
“At the rate he’s going, I’d say he’ll be about thirty.”
“No, I mean what’s he taking in college?”
“He’s taking every penny I make.”
“Doesn’t he burn the midnight oil enough?”
“He doesn’t get in early enough to burn the midnight oil.”
“Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?”
“Sure has! It’s totally cured his mother of bragging about him!”