Joke #5248: The Doctor’s Patients

A doctor of psychology was doing his morning rounds when he entered a patient’s room. He found his first patient sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Another patient was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

 

The doctor asked the patient on the floor what he was doing. The patient replied, “Can’t you see! I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?”

 

The doctor then inquired as to why the other guy was hanging from the ceiling. The guy on the floor says, “Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a light bulb Doc.”

 

The doctor looks up and notices the guys face is going all red.

 

The doctor asks the wood cutter… “If he’s your friend, don’t you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?”

 

And the patient replies – “What? And work in the dark!”

 

Van Gogh’s Family Tree

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh

The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh

His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh

The Mexican cousin’s American half brother: Grin Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh

The constipated uncle: Can’t Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh

The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh

The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh

His Italian uncle: Day Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh

 

I LOVE MONKEYS

I love monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they are normally a couple thousand apiece. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing. When I got home, I herded them into my room.

They didn’t adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it’s third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. God damn cheap monkeys. I didn’t know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn’t work.

It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys. I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is, until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn’t want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn’t go bad. I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, and The odor wasn’t improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them away, but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn’t take it either. I didn’t bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution: I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn’t quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals. God, I love monkeys.

 

Joke #5241: White Guy’s Poetry Lesson

Two friends, a white guy and a black guy, both work together. The white guy came in late one morning and his black friend asks where he had been.

 

The white guy says, “My wife gives me good sex every night and she kept me up really late last night.”

 

The black guy says “I can’t get my wife to have sex with me, no matter what! How do you do it?”

 

The white guy says, “I read her poetry every night.”

 

His black friend then asks, “What kind of poetry?”

 

The white guy replies, “Blondie, blondie, eyes so blue, how I want to make love to you.” Then the white guy tells his friend to go home and try it – it’s a sure thing!

 

The next morning the black guy was about 2 hours late. When he comes in, he has a black eye and his arm is in a sling.

 

The white man asks, “What happened?!”

 

The black man says, “Man, don’t ever speak to me again!”

 

The curious white man asks, “Well, what did you say to her?”

 

The black man replies, ‘Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog, bend over bitch, and take it like a dog!!”

 

Joke #5224: Zoo Story

Kimo is a bus driver for the Honolulu Transit Company. One day Kimo is headed to work on his bus route, when he runs across a delivery van stranded at the side of the road. The van driver works for the Honolulu Zoo. He pleads with Kimo to do him a favor.

He offers a $100 bill to Kimo to help him deliver a truckload of penguins to the zoo, because they needed to be there within the hour. Agreeing, Kimo proceeds to load two dozen penguins onto his bus. Then, off they drive towards the zoo.

An hour later, the delivery driver gets his van fixed and heads off to the zoo to catch up with his delivery. As he’s driving down the road, he see’s Kimo and the busload of penguins heading in the opposite direction. He turns his van around and chases in pursuit. He finally catches up to the bus and pulls over Kimo on the side of the road. In an irate voice he asks, “Hey, Kimo. I thought I gave you a $100 dollars to go and take the penguins to the zoo for me?”

“Calm down,” Kimo says. “I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I’m taking them to the movies!”

 

Joke #5222: The Parrot

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey lady.”

She paused and said, “Yes?”

The bird said, “You know.”

 

Joke #5221: All Wrapped Up

For Michael’s birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work. After some careful consideration she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles.

Pretty soon Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work. He walks through the kitchen, places his lunchbox down, and hears his wife say, “Honey! I’m in the living room.”

Rounding the corner, he spots her all wrapped up in plastic. After a quick peek, he immediately says, “Leftovers again!”

 

Joke #5219: Secrets and Lies

One day a man comes home from work and he decides to tell his wife that he has been having an affair with his secretary. When he walks in the door he finds his wife in the living room.

“Um, honey, I got something to tell you.”

“Hold on,” the wife says, “I’ve got something to tell you first.”

“What is it?” asks the husband.

“Well,” the wife begins, “before we knew each other, I . . . uh. . . had a sex change.”

“What exactly are you saying?”

“Simply put,” the wife says, “I used to be a man.”

“My god,” the husband replies, “and you’ve been hitting from the ladies tees this whole time!”

 

Joke #5211: Hands on Experience

One day a bunch of workers were digging a hole. While the men were digging, there was a supervisor telling them where to dig. The men in the hole figured that the supervisor was getting paid more for doing less. They sent a worker up to ask the supervisor why this was the case. The supervisor said, “Because I’m smarter than you. That’s why!” The worker argued with this man for a while. So the supervisor pulled the worker aside and brought him to a nearby telephone pole. He put his hand on the telephone pole and said, “Hit my hand.” The worker said, “Nah, I ain’t gonna hit your hand!” But the supervisor insisted.

So, the worker tightened his fist and tried to hit the supervisor’s hand. But the supervisor pulled his hand away, and the worker hit the telephone pole with full force, causing his hand to bleed. The supervisor said, “See. That’s why I’m smarter than you.”

The worker went back to the hole with his bloody hand and started digging again. The other workers came up to him and asked, “What did he say?” The worker replied, “Let’s put it this way…” then he paused. He looked around and said, “Well, there don’t seem to be any telephone poles around here.” So he put his hand in front of his face and said, “Alright, try to hit my hand.”

 

Joke #5209: Steven Wright Stand Up

Years ago I worked in a natural organic health food store in Seattle, Washington. One day a man walked in and said “if I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?” I said “I don’t know, let me ask Tony.”

 

Two days later I was fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight Bosco on the job.

 

So I figured I’d leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes. I really wasn’t into meditating, and she really wasn’t into being alive.

 

I told her I knew when I was gonna die because my birth certificate has an expiration date on it.

 

I decided to leave and go to California so I packed up my Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygenists trying to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch.

 

I headed for the highway and I began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new cars. I climbed up the side of the cabin and I opened the door and the guy said “I don’t have much room in here, why don’t you get in one of the cars in the back?” So I did. And he was really into picking up people because he picked up 19 more. We all had our own cars. Then he went 90 miles an hour and we all got speeding tickets.

 

I have the photograph of my license taken out of focus on purpose. So when the police do stop me they go “…here you can go.”

 

One night I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

 

I have a telescope on the peephole of my door so I can see who’s at the door for 200 miles. “Who is it?” “Who’s it gonna be when you get here?”

 

I have an answering machine for my phone. When I’m not home and someone calls me up they hear the recording of a busy signal.

 

I lost a buttonhole.

 

Joke #5204: Broken Leg

“HOW DID IT HAPPEN?” the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man’s broken leg.

“Well, doc, 25 years ago …”

“Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.”

“Like I was saying…25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d gone to bed, the farmer’s beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, ‘No, everything is fine.’

‘Are you sure?’ she asked.

‘I’m sure.’

‘Isn’t there anything I can do for you?’

‘I reckon not,'”

“Excuse me,” said the doctor, “What does this story have to do with your leg?”

“Well, this morning,” the farmhand explained, “it dawned on me what she meant, and I fell off the roof!”