Q: Bill and Hillary and Al and Tipper takes a boat ride, the boat capsizes, who gets saved?
A: The United States of America!
Q: Bill and Hillary and Al and Tipper takes a boat ride, the boat capsizes, who gets saved?
A: The United States of America!
Found this in a newspaper:
Relationship goes sour as girl, 16, glues boyfriend’s penis to his body
CAMP HILL, Pa. — A 16-year-old Pennsylvania girl is accused of gluing her 21-year-old boyfriend’s penis to his abdomen to punish him for lying about another relationship.
Police in Camp Hill, Pa., said the man went to the hospital but was told there was nothing he could do except soak his penis until it freed itself.
A police sergeant said the two were sitting on the sofa when the girl did it during what he described as “some type of intimate encounter.” The sergeant said the girl had the Super Glue and “seized the moment.”
She has been charged with simple assault.
Lots of people died in the civil war. If you didn’t die, you would go to a hospital, where they did nasty things. They amputated, the hospital conditions were bad, and there were lots of infections.
The hospitals weren’t very clean at all, because most officers didn’t discipline it at all.
The cure for inflammation was to increase the rations of the sick soldier, and make him ride a horse. Another cure for it was to use leeches to suck about 15 ounces of blood out if him. If a limb had to be amputated, the doctors would use saws that looked like hack saws or solid saws.
They had lots of different kinds of ambulances in the civil war. The first kind had four wheels. The newer ones had two wheels. They could hold four wounded soldiers. One design was with two baskets on each side of a horse to carry wounded soldiers. The ambulances went in long trains. The doctor’s knapsacks were really just big filling cabinets, but they had medicine in them instead of files. Other knapsacks they had were just big. One wagon was invented that had four beds, one on top of the other. It didn’t work because it was too top-heavy. Even newer ambulances were mostly full of medicines, and could fit few soldiers in them.
This election has been the closest in my life. Gore had the most popular vote, and Bush had the most electorals. They have to recount Florida for some reason to see if Bush really won. They will have the results tomorrow. Or so we think.
I think Bush is going to win. He does have the most votes, and I doubt Florida’s count will change it much, but you never know. Wow, the suspense is killing me…
If I were elcted president, I would change this to a monarchy. So I could rule my entire life! We wouldn’t have to deal with these elections, or impeachments. If you didn’t like me, you could kill me! Of course, I hope you’d like me. If you killed me, you’d just have to go.
In my years of living here in America, I have questioned what it’s done and could have done, should have done and would have done. Although my views of America were questionable, I believe the attack on the Pentagon and the World Trade Center, was totally uncalled for and unnecessary. What terrorist’s believe to have been the start of America’s downfall, it actually turned out to be an uprising. America’s spirit’s have risen greatly and it’s a shame that it took this incident to do so. Never have I seen Americans’ work together so greatly, donating blood, digging through rubble and so on. When I heard these events, I almost cried. The horror was part of it, but also the joy of a nation actually working together. The world, in fact, working together. Hearing the apologies from all the countries including England and Canada made this world seem more united. The unexpected help from Russia also made me content. I went to work and realized I couldn’t get my paycheck because of the airplane ban. What did I think about it? I didn’t care. I did not care in the least bit. I went home, grabbed my American flag, and hung it outside. That’s the effect the terrorists made on me. The anger is there, no doubt, against the people who did this and helped do this. I think about the people in the buildings and in the planes, as they new in a few minutes they were going to be killed. That they would never see their love ones again. I can’t imagine being those people, I can’t imagine suffering in that way. I hope that if there is a heaven, they go there and if there isn’t a heaven, I hope one is created for them. They deserved none of this whatsoever. Terrorism never helps anything except the death toll. The death of innocent victims is just wrong. No other way about it. The people that did this deserve the punishment that comes to them, but all I ask is that they suffer for it. A quick death would be too short. My disgruntled ways against George W Bush are over, I cheer for him now as I would for anyone else in office looking for action against the terrorists. We cannot let the terrorists win, and winning doesn’t just involve barrages of terrorism, it involves the idea that the “losing side” (The term losing is used as in the side that just took in the biggest hit from the opposing side) is losing hope and faith in their society. If we think that, we have lost the war. If we imagine that, we have lost the war. If we stand up after we have been hit, we have won the war. War is what it has come to, I feel. But a different kind of war, a war against terrorism. That war will surely deliver a blow to the evil in the world and will greatly lift the good side. I believe in the American Dream now my friends, and that dream is defeating the evil in the world one step at a time. Now that’s a dream that doesn’t take a fairy tale to come true, but rather united nations and people. I am proudly one of those people.
The Klu Klux Clan doesn’t fool me…it’s actually an evil alien from the planet Canada that were dropped here because a pregnant alien mother went to take a shit in a space and by accident let the baby fly out of her ass. Thats why the KKK hates the color black because there brothers were a big piece of shit. The baby fell onto an unknown island called “Australia” and were transferred, underwater by humpback whales and blowfish. They landed in a place only known to them as Trailer Town and thrived there until they became sheet-headed retards. Now they plot to take over the earth and eat beans forever!
Don’t know who to vote for this election? Well, luckily for you, there’s the Presidential debates, broadcasted to the millions of people in the United States and all around the world. These vital presidential debates have affected the outcome of the choice America has made since the JFK era. During these debates, the main presidential candidates and their vice presidential counterparts duke it out in front of America, with fancy words, beating questions around the bush by avoiding them and answering them indirectly, and many more things. Didn’t have a chance to watch the debates because you were at work? Well, Squackle’s one and only davepoobond is here to tell you who to vote for, why you should vote for them, and whether he gives a good reason or not is of no concern to you.
This year, we take a look at the three Presidential Debates of 2004 between John Kerry and George W. Bush, as well as the vice presidential debate between Dick Cheney and John Edwards. The descriptions of each will be a basic synopsis, and will not go into great detail, as we see most of that as really really unneeded, and if you wanted to know more about it, I’m sure you’d want to go to an actual news site (and watch the freaking debates yourself, and form your own opinion) than taking what you read on a humor web site called Squackle as 100% truth. Anyhow, on to the debates!
There has been a lot of tension between the Bush and Kerry camps, after demeaning commercial after another funded by private organizations are constantly shown on TV, as well as accusations in their speeches to insignificant groups of 50-100 people. Bush accused Kerry of being a “flip flop” one million times in each of his speeches, while Kerry said that Bush misled our country into war. Bush is also rumored to have not served during schedules times while he was in the National Guard, while Bush says he was there the whole time. He’s the son of an oil tycoon, and rich as a mother fucker, so are you really gonna believe that he risked his life in the National Guard? I doubt it.
Some may call these debates the “War of the Ages” almost becoming a movie, or the beginning of a Mortal Kombat fight during the “vs.” scene.
1st Debate: Formal setting, standing behind podiums.
Not until the first debate did I even see these two together without having three states separating them. It was almost laughable to see them shaking hands after they both had strucken at each other’s credibility and track record. So, the first debates focused mainly on the war on terror, mainly focusing on Iraq and how they never had any “WMDs” to be found after we took Saddam from power, in a more formal debate forum, with both candidates having a podium. Whoopidoo, we got rid of Saddam, now we can take the oil there to save money at home, except OPEC increases prices so we’re not actually saving any money. Throughout the course of the 1st presidential debate there was at least a thousand times that “weapons of mass destruction,” “Iraq,” and “terror” had been said cumulatively. It made me want to stab myself in the ears, because you hear those words over and over and over and over and over and over and over. Bush just tells lies and lies and lies more and more, and Kerry tries to tell you what Bush is doing is fucking wrong, and how we went into Iraq was wrong wrong wrong. Bush says it was right right right and through a course of appearing very pissed off through the whole time, like Kerry would even have the nerve to bring up things that were happening not as great as the President was making it to be.
Basically, Kerry 1, Bush 0. Bush seemed like he was not prepared for the onslaught brought on by Kerry. Kerry practically raped him, and from the appearance of the poll results done by news agencies after the 1st debate, Kerry’s approval rating went up. Bush just proved to the world even more how he was an ignorant fool, and Kerry at least made concious and knowledgable debate points against Bush, with practically no answer except scoffing and that stupid smrik he always has. He was talking to Kerry like he was talking about a terrorist. People had also noticed that Kerry didn’t talk into the camera like Bush did, and saw it as a sign that Kerry did not want to speak to the American people at home, while Bush did talk into the camera.
Intermission: Vice Presidential Debates
Well, we heard the president’s views on things, what about their VP candidates? John Edwards, former Democratic Presidential Candidate Hopeful, has now partnered up with John Kerry in hopes to defeat Bush and Cheney. Cheney, with his usual “I’m so rich and I’m too good for everyone except for the Arab royalty and Halliburton” look, debated to keep his high-paying, high-power job in the United States government, while John Edwards hoped to relieve Cheney of his duties.
The stage has been set, and through the course of an hour or so, it came out to be that Cheney and Edwards had a very good debate, and no one person could be declared coming out ahead of each other.
But one thing could be determined from the course of the night:
2nd Debate: Town Hall Setting. No podiums, candidates sat on stools, as they heard questions being told to them by audience members, about domestic issues.
So, after Kerry had shamefully ripped Bush a new one after the first debate, Bush started to take these debates a little more seriously. Even though Bush may not have been nearly as bad this time, he was still using a lot of “umms” and pauses, in genuine Bush-style. Bush came back with a lot of anger, while trying to keep himself contained. However, the most notable part of this debate is when Bush interrupted Charles Gibson from ABC News and un-rightfully rebutted a statement by Kerry, after Gibson had told the president that he was not allowed to. This sudden outburst of rage had broken the rules of the debates that had been set forth, and while Bush was talking OUT OF TURN, I was waiting for that buzzer than never came. Bush should NOT have been given that opportunity to speak, as it broke the rules of the debates. Kerry, on the other hand, did not make the mistake of rebutting a statement by Bush out of turn, even though it came close to it. It seemed that Kerry had more control over himself when it came to that, but it came very close.
The questions that were presented were all about the domestic issues and how they would change under Kerry and “improve” even more under Bush. Kerry said that Bush promised you more of the same, while Kerry promised change. Bush repeatedly kept saying that Kerry “flip flopped” over and over. Bush kept telling everyone to look at this voting record. In all honesty, we should look at BUSH’S voting record. Look at the decisions BUSH has made. Sure, Kerry supported Iraq at one time, most of us did, because we ALL thought that Iraq had WMDs, because that was what we were TOLD BY BUSH. Kerry doesn’t have his own CIA, Bush does. Bush knew more about the things happening in Iraq (whether or not they actually had anything) than Kerry did. All that Kerry or WE even believed was what our PRESIDENT, our PRESIDENT told us. I doubt that Kerry is able to send in his own team of CIA operatives to conduct their own investigation in Iraq to find out information.
And if there is, so sue me. It doesn’t contradict the fact that the president lied to us. The results of this debate had helped Kerry out a little bit more, but everyone said they were basically equal.
3rd Debate: I didn’t watch it cause I was at work, and I’m too lazy to watch it online. I heard they were basically equal though.
Conclusion: We all know Bush sucks, so why would we want to keep him in office? Outsourcing has grown, people have lost their jobs, the economy is down, people’s lives have been RUINED because of soldiers killed in the War On Terror, and not to mention the U.S. government is in a shitload of debt. Why do we want Bush to stay in office? We know he’s done nothing but horrible things to the United States. To assure that Bush is OUT OF OFFICE, I’m saying to vote for anyone else but Bush. If you want to make absolute sure of this happening, vote for Kerry. If Kerry sucks, then we can just get his ass out of office in the next four years. We know what doesn’t work, why do we want to stay with it?
The comic-strip thingy is by Soup Nazi
Everything else is by davepoobond
The California Recall election is finally God damn over. I thought that whoresnatch Gray Davis would appeal the election in the courts, but he didn’t. If he did, we’d never hear the end of the fucking thing, and his term would be over before anything changed.
I for one, am very glad that Gray Davis is out of office, though I don’t nearly as much support the way it happened. The Recall does seem like a cheap way for the Republicans to gain power in California. When Gray Davis said that the Recall isn’t democratic, it really wasn’t. It was Republican, and that was the main problem.
This is a list of reasons that I support Gray Davis getting his ass kicked out of office:
Okay, now I’m done complaining about Davis. This is all I can think of right now.
Now onto the actual topic at hand. The California Recall. Never has any election ever seen so many stupid candidates. There’s about 10 actual candidates that anyone would vote for. The other 9 billion are just stupid idiots that think that they can get some sort of TV time and actually get their views heard, which is bull cause they won’t, and they’ll only end up getting votes from them and their friends and family. Such a waste of votes. They probably actually thought that 3 million people would vote for them so that they would actually gain the position of governor. Seriously, does that make sense?
So, after all the bullshit of the Recall, it finally came down to Arnold winning. Arnold’s winning over Bustamante could be illustrated by this comic that stimpyismyname drew:
Bustamante is a jackass. If he was going to get elected governor, he would be a complete moron and absolutely nothing would change. He would also pamper to the illegal immigrants every freaking chance he got, since he seems to have been one at one time or something like that, since he says he’s so much like them and understands everything about them.
So, we’re just going to have to see how Arnold Schwarzenegger will be as a Californian governor.
But, seriously, how much cooler would it have been if we could get Gallagher to be the governor?
Drug education does NOT work. If anything, drug education is HELPING the drug dealers sell their drugs. Sure, students become aware of the drugs and what they do. Yeah, they become aware what there is for them to CHOOSE. Its like a 365 (366 on leap year, can’t forget that) day Halloween, and the more you pay, the better the candy.
Drug education probably would help more if they didn’t say the “good” things that addicts feel or if they taught them at an earlier age. But NoOoO they still insist on only teaching us in grades 6-8. And after that, it just stops. What the hell is with that? They probably suppose that we’re not worth to keep teaching about not doing drugs because the local police department can’t spare an extra few people or hire a few new people specifically for the job, or maybe they’d rather just find us on the street with wrapping papers in our pockets, a needle in our arm, and a Ziploc bag full of cocaine and lock us up for a long time, so that the government can gain control of the next generation one by one.
You shouldn’t hate drug dealers anymore than people that sell guns, because they’re just supplying the demand for their particular product. They’re only trying to make a living, just like everyone else in the world. They both sell things that ultimately hurt people, the only thing that separates the two is a constitutional amendment. When it all comes down to it, it’s the school’s fault for not teaching us about drugs sooner. But past mistakes will spawn more drugs in demand and more drug dealers, because of the schools. This will NEVER be a drug-free world. Might as well pick up your pipe and smoke some coke.
It pisses me off when teachers complain about how they’re not paid that much. When you look at it in the total picture, they only REALLY work for 6 hours a day. 6 fucking hours! That’s almost nothing compared to what others do, which is 8-10 hours. They’re not running their own business, they chose their career to get low-paid positions as teachers at public schools, and they’re complaining about how much money they get. I don’t care about their money woes. They really don’t even work for 6 hours! There’s lunch breaks and passing periods that add up to about an hour in them just sitting around except when they say a student can come in during lunch. Suspiciously they don’t allow a student to come into class during lunch EVERY day…
If you work less, you get paid less. Its common sense. They get about 2 months of vacation a year, a dream to many other people, while those dreaming people still have to wok during that time. Teachers (that chose to) work for about 3-4 hours that other month of summer vacation, and then get the rest of the day off. That’s why they don’t get that much money. They would need probably $50 an hour to get the same annual income as someone who goes to work EVERYDAY except holidays and weekends working 8+ hours. And that’s another thing, the teachers get 2 weeks off for Christmas, 2 weeks off for Thanksgiving, a spring break, not to mention the summer vacation as well, and the other holidays which add up to about another week’s worth. It seems like there’s only a few months for them to actually work. And all these “teacher grading days” or “buy back days” or “days off to grade tests” or “days off to put grades for report cards in the books” and all that crap, its bull shit, I tell you. Big stinky bull shit!
Most teachers probably became teachers because they felt that they could never leave school and explore different fields of LIFE!
Quit complaining, you fucks. In the end, its all for the kids that will make more money working at McDonalds than you working at school. Isn’t it? No, not even then, cause there’s all these accounts of teachers raping, molesting, and kidnapping kids cause they can’t get any sex or kids or something otherwise. There’s 40 year old teachers with no spouses, probably because of the fact they’re teachers, and bastards/bitches as well. The teacher is a dirty job, worse than drug dealers. But that’s a different theory.
Now if a teacher is reading this and they say “hey we work for more than 6 hours a day,” well this is what I say to you: you don’t have to. You’re only paid to stay at your job until a certain time, and what you chose to do afterwards is your own decision. You can sit and grade papers for 500 hours for all I care, but you do it at your leisure. No one gets 3 months to make a presentation for work or something like that, while they sit at home and do it at the times they want to. But for the teachers, no one is forcing them to give back any tests or essays or homework. They could just say that everyone did it and never pass those things back, and make up some excuse like “I lost them.” That’s not fair to the students who put hard work into it, sacrificing their time at which they could be living life as a teenager, which they don’t have too many years of, to do some bullshit assignment or study for some bullshit test that never gets passed back.
This goes from the most power to the least.
1. School Board of Directors (the dirty sons of bitches that are pocketing the money that should go to the schools. Whoops, we misplaced a lot of money. No Summer School for So and So school this year. And y’know that junior college you’re going to? Don’t bother going back, its not there anymore)
3. Vice/Associate Principal
4. Disciplinary Officer
10. NFL Players
11. Gay-Straight Alliance
12. Spanish Club
13. Everything else, including the president
Let’s face it, no one gives a damn about NASA anymore – until now. After the space race, and the controversial “moon landing”
no one gave a damn anymore about NASA, because nothing important was happening. Slowly less and less of us cared about what the whole space program was doing, so why not have a little tragedy to remind people about NASA?
I would bet that this goes only to the high commanders of NASA. They don’t tell anyone and also pay off anyone that knows about a little “sabotage” that would make the Columbia blow up upon re-entry. It was probably lucky for them that a piece of foam fell off whatever it fell off of and hit the space shuttle. I find it kind of hard to believe that a piece of foam would do that, unless it weighed at least 500 pounds, and just happened to hit a weak panel on there that was cracked already. What would a measly 7 lives matter to the billions and billions of dollars and regaining the public’s appreciation after a 20 year hiatus? Absolutely nothing.
There was a great plus to having shuttle and human remains scatter over 2 states. Millions of people will feel for them and NASA then, too. What a great country this is. Blah page filler.
This is supposed to be like a parody kind of thing, of an actual news story, so its supposed to be taken as if this actually happened, but it didn’t.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — On September 10, 2003, Bush held a press conference saying how important it is to spend 87 billion dollars, increasing the deficit from 475 billion to 525 billion (I don’t see how that adds up to 87 billion).
Suspiciously, Bush showed up to the press conference with new, assorted jewelry, and about 50 tons of silver trailing behind him. When asked how we are going to pay for the recent increase in the ever-growing deficit, Bush replied with saying that paying back the money is an “absurd notion.” Bush also said that “spending money that we don’t have is fun,” implying that Bush will do nothing to actually decrease the deficit spending.
After the press conference, public opinion was against the new 87 billion dollars needed, as polled by MSNBC. The poll results indicated that 24% were for, 25% were against and 51% were undecided.
“Its just crazy, I tell you! That stupid fucking Bush. The only thing he’s good for is taking a piss behind. But even then you have to watch out for the lizards that’ll jump out and bite penises off!” screamed a local grocery store bag boy. He continued to scream obscenties, that would not be ethical to write down on paper for children’s virgin eyes to see.
“I think that it’ll help out in the fight against terrorism,” said Joan, a soccer mom. “It always creeps me out when I see one of those guys with the long beards or the turbans or one of those things that makes them scream ‘I’m Middle Eastern’ to everyone without having to actually hear them say it. They’re just askin’ for it. Allah Ackbar to you, Mr. Middle Eastern! Let’s see how you like it when I drive my fucking minivan into your fucking house in the middle of the night, and unleash the terror that is a soccer team in a minivan after a 2 hour game without any Capri-Suns!”
“My mom will kick your ass! She wears the pants in the family!” screamed an annoying little 5 year old as I walked away. I flicked him off, and unfortunately his mom saw, and she took a crowbar to my head that she pulled out of her ass. That woman has a huge ass. I am lucky to be alive today, writing this article.
“Bush is going to keep asking for more and more money. You know what he’s REALLY spending it on? Tank tracks. That’s what it is. Its so obviously tank tracks, because they’re like 3 million dollars a piece, y’know? And because they’re in the soft sandy desert, the tank tracks get really worn out. I’ll tell you what he’s NOT spending it on though. Himself. Who cares if he has 87 billion dollars of new assorted jewelry he got a couple of days after he asked for more money? Its the tank tracks that do it,” said a local everyday, in-the-norm jeweler.
“Y’know what I’d do with that money? Buy France. Stupid France is always fucking us in the face. IN THE FACE. I mean France is really worth like 5 dollars? I mean, after the Napoleonic era, there wasn’t much to look forward to when it came to France. They’re fucking chocolate makers for crying out loud! Well…that’s what the white house said in one of their press conferences. It tickled my belly,” said a drunken farmer named Ted. “Scooby Doo is a good movie, no matter what you fucks say!” screamed Ted as he was hit by a semi truck.
This reporter once thought that we were getting only one Bush, but it ends up that we’re actually getting one in the bush and 2 in the tush, when it comes to the money question.Squackle was down from May 30th to September 18th.
Original article about public opinion
Original article about Bush talking about spending money.
I found this somewhere.
Drinking alcohol has been around for as long as we can remember, but it isn’t until now that we realize the fatal effects and consequences of this horrific drug.
Drinking excessively can do many things to our brain that make us loose control of our body. You can’t think, walk, or even talk right. There are three parts of the brain that are effected while drinking; the cerebrum, cerebellum, and the medulla. The cerebrum controls recognition, vision, reasoning, and emotions. Drinking at only .01-.30% can damage and control these emotions. Next is the Cerebellum, which coordinates movement like walking. This is effected at .15-.35%. Last is the medulla, which is effected when someone drinks more than their body can handle. It controls heartbeat and breathing and can make them stop at levels as low as .30%. The effects of drinking at these levels are horrible. The short-term effects that most intermediate drinkers get are hangovers, which may include a headache and maybe still some uncordination. The things that most people overlook are the long-term effects, which effect your liver, lungs and nervous system. Whether drinking effects you in the long run or in a short-term way, the fact it that drinking alcohol will effect you no matter what.
When people think about drinking, they usually know the afterward effects, but they usually forget about the consequences of it. While being drunk, you usually cannot control your actions the way you to. Last year, 600,000 college students were assaulted by another who was drinking, and another 70,000 college students were sexually assaulted. Also, 400,000 college students had unprotected sex because of intoxication. This leads to many things like pregnancy and diseases like HIV, STDS. Since drinking controls most of your actions and thoughts, there is much violence and academic consequences. Over 25% of the people that drink in colleges have damaged property and/or have academic consequences. When college students drink, they don’t even think about death, but the truth is that when you are drunk, you can pass out, throw up, choke on your own vomit, and die. There are many other ways of death as well. Last year, 2.1 million college students drove under the influence, and another 1,400 students die a year from alcohol related injuries. 150,000 other students tried to commit suicide because of drinking. College students shouldn’t drink if they don’t know that the effects are sexually transmitted diseases, property destruction, and even death.
College drinkers are the largest portions of drinkers in the U.S. Controlling college drinking would control the rest of societies drinking. And since alcohol is the biggest drug used by college students, then if they stopped drinking, it would stop at least 50% of drugs used. The fact is that college drinking is out of control, and if you can stop that, you can stop drug abuse everywhere.
Great. Another thing to worry about. Now we can’t even go to a place that we don’t want to without the risk of being killed. This is a stupid thing, that is just one more obstacle until you get out of school. not only do we have to get a passing GPA, pass a high school exit exam that had an essay that forces you to write about hummingbirds, not drop out, and get a good citizenship grade, we have to worry about how not to get killed, or if you will see a guy running down the halls of your school firing off shotguns and shit like that, and know how to get the fuck away without dying in the process. All your hard work wouldn’t mean a shit to anything if you die, and that time you spent on all the school and homework was wasted, when you could have been at home, for instance, doing something constructive, like watching TV, or writing stuff for Squackle!. Pretty stupid, huh?