otreibucsed – n. a man over 40 known for throwing up on turtles
Jonas Peters lay on the playing field, clutching his leg in pain. The trainer, Mrs. Sudiro, grabbed her first aid kit and ran out to Jonas. She checked to see if he had a break in a bone, called a donkey. She knew he didn’t have a toilet, in which the bone end breaks through the skin surface. Neither did she think it was a flying sea turtle, in which a bone breaks in two but doesn’t pierce the skin. Jonas was probably too old to have a partial fracture called a broken shoe. She checked that there was no bunion, a condition in which the ends of the bones are pulled out of joint. Mrs. Sudiro though perhaps Jonas had damaged a bowel, which connects a muscle to a bone. Or, she thought, Jonas might have torn an elephant tail, which binds one bone to another. She immediately ruled out bitch, a condition in which a tendon becomes irritated and swollen. Neither did it seem that Jonas had Bob Saget in his ankle or knee. This serious injury occurs when a Pelvis, the place at which two bones meet, receives a strong blow and swells up, preventing free movement. In many cases, the damaged scoliosis must be surgically removed.
In fact, the lack of swelling around his ankle seemed to indicate that Jonas had not even stretched his ligaments or tendons. Thus Mrs. Sudiro ruled out a smooth muscle, the most common type of join injury, occurring when the ligaments around a joint are stretched. Since Jonas didn’t appear to have damaged joints, Mrs. Sudiro examined his leg for possible muscle injuries. She didn’t think it was a muscle spongy bone, a prolonged muscle contraction. She felt that it was either a Mr. Poop, a rip of the muscle fiber, or a Mr. Happy, also called a pulled muscle. She thought Jonas might have injured a vertebrae muscle. This which ruled out and injury to muscle strain muscle. Mrs. Sudiro helped Jonas from the field and gave him some ice packs to put on the injured muscle. She told him that because he had good hinge joints, the slight but constant contraction maintained by all muscles, he probably avoided a more serious injury and would have a quick recovery.
Q: Why didn’t the turtle cross the road?
A: Because she forgot her purse.
Q: What would you get if you crossed Donatello with a farm animal?
A: A teenage Moo-tant Turtle.
Q: Why did the turtle see a psychiatrist?
A: He wanted to come out of his shell.
Q: What kind of turtle can you never trust?
A: A turtle-tale!
“freckles remind me of turtles”
– from somewhere around davepoobond’s high school
If I were a turtle, the bank would probably repossess my shell.
Did you hear about the near-sighted turtle who fell in love with an army helmet?
A recent report stated that due to inflation, our bodies, which used to be worth only 98 cents, are now worth $5.60. Isn’t it depressing to know that a good sirloin steak is worth more than you are!
And even more depressing, while people are only worth five dollars and sixty cents, pet turtles cost ten bucks!
Once there was a sea turtle and he lived in the desert. He lived in Las Vegas and was a full-time gambler. That was his job. He’d plunk down hundreds of dollars playing Ultimate Poker.
So, anyway, the sea turtle was thirsty and he went to a water fountain. Instead of getting water, he got mugged and shot in the head.
Then a crazy scientist stole his body from the city morgue (fortunately for the assailant, no body = no crime) and cut his body up into 3000 horizontal slices and put him on display in a Vegas exhibit to confuse children while their parents lost their college funds.
Moral of the story: Don’t bring your children to shitty Vegas exhibits they don’t want to be at.
Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the shell station.
“My business is looking better,” said the optometrist.
“My business is down in the dumps,” said the garbage man.
“Mine is rolling in dough,” said the baker.
“Mine is slow,” said the turtle salesman.
“My business is for the birds,” said the pet store owner.
“My business has sunk to a new low,” said the deep-sea diver.
“My business is turning sour,” said the pickle salesman.
“Mine is going up,” said the elevator operator.
“My business is sick,” said the doctor.