Squacklecast Episode 10 – “The Art of Covering Shifts”

This entry is part 10 of 31 in the series The Squacklecast

This week we become overly insensitive assholes (moreso than usual?  Or maybe not at all!) and lambast a girl over the 70+ e-mails that she has sent out in the past 6 months regarding shift covers.  It is truly an art form in itself when you have TO GUILT TRIP YOUR WHOLE DEPARTMENT INTO COVERING SHIFTS FOR YOU.  Not to mention it is your “second” job which only gives you at most 4 to 8 hours a week!

There aren’t that many trailers or pictures that apply to this week’s podcast, so here’s a link to the pictures section so you can laugh while you laugh.

This is the real cancer we were talking about, obviously:

Cancer Constellation

 

Squacklecast Episode 9 – “We Make Them Only to Kill Them”

This entry is part 9 of 31 in the series The Squacklecast

Summer movies are in full swing, and this time we take a look at Prometheus as well as the upcoming summer schedule of movies.  Its a big year for super heroes but not much else to get excited about.

WARNING: THERE ARE SOME PROMETHEUS SPOILERS!  You can skip to about a third of the way through and skip all the Prometheus stuff if you care.

Prometheus is a film that raises more questions than answers, like:  “Why would you kill Charlize Theron?” and “Why didn’t we see that scene with Charlize getting it up the butt from the big black dude?”

And there’s also all that hullabaloo about the origins of man and the beginnings of the Xenomorphs, but that’s all secondary.

Inception noise?  Meet your match:  PROMETHEUS NOISE!

Adam Sandler is intentionally making shitty movies.  Its the only explanation.  He just needs to stick with family comedies and dramatic movies, apparently.

This summer has a list of movies it wants to murder, and its gotten a few of them already:

Battleship: Sunk

The Dictator: Assassinated

Dark Shadows: Black Eye

Chernobyl Diaries: Nuked

Prometheus: Hospitalized (In the baby ward)

That’s My Boy: Murdered

Rock of Ages: Murdered

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter: Pending Assassination

Brave is another one of those Pixar movies that I’ll probably just hate.  I hate more Pixar movies than I do like them, apparently.

Owen Wilson:  I don’t like his voice, and I don’t like his face.

Finding Nemo had the worst characters of any Pixar movie ever.

The Good Dinosaur is probably just The Good Shepherd but with real dinosaurs, not people you could call dinosaurs.

Its actually worse than that.  It has Lil’ Wayne in it.

Pixar has an impressively boring list of upcoming movies.

Magic Mike has Channing Tatum in it.  Like, OH EM GEE.

Directed by Steven Soderbergh, no less.

How does Tyler Perry keep making movies?  He’s like Adam Sandler but successful.

Katy Perry: Part of Me: Pending Stage Collapse

Savages: Dead on Arrival

Step Up Revolution: Someone Will Step Down (In the government.  Get it? Revolution?  Government?  Step Down?)

The Watch: Legally murdered.  Maybe.

Total Recall: Unfortunate Death Due to Lack of References.  Please resubmit an application.

Expendables 2: Expendable (get it?)

ParaNorman: Already Dead

Resident Evil: Retribution: Been Dead

Sean Bean: Died 20+ times.  Save Sean Bean!

That’s it for this week, folks.  Hope you like our rudimentary coverage of what’s to come for this summer in the movies.

If you want to be on the Squacklecast, let us know!  We can schedule you for an interview and you can hang out with us for an hour.

 

Squacklecast Episode 8 – “Wait Till We Do a Number 9”

This entry is part 8 of 31 in the series The Squacklecast

We have a guest this week!  It’s Daniel, the guy that went to the strawberry festival last week.  We put him on the grill and insult his decision for going to the strawberry festival along with his weird two-headed friend, Lucy the Two-Headed Goosey.

Did you have a half naked wannabe Hulk running around during your visit to the theater during The Avengers?  Did he look as bad as this guy who used industrial paint and had to take 20 baths in two days to try to get it off?

Wannabehulk

http://www.strawberryfestival.org/

What have we become? A never ending http://www.strawberryfestival.org/ ad for the http://www.strawberryfestival.org/ Strawberry Festival? http://www.strawberryfestival.org/

In honor of the Zombie Apocalypse, AMC is starting a new show called…

AMC Bath Salts

Zombie Apocalypse 2012:

Guy eating someone’s face off in Florida.

Guy eating his roommates brain in Maryland.

Get off my computer, Jamie Oliver.  You’re not a chemist.  You’re just an asshole.

Silly Jaime Oliver, we shouldn’t be throwing away perfectly edible food.  We should at least ship it off to Africa!

McDonalds used to be a value.  Now they try to sell you everything in bulk so that there is the same perceived value as what was once known as the Dollar Menu.

100 McNuggets

Only 20 bucks!

That new Coldplay song is pretty bad.  It doesn’t even sound like a Coldplay song.

Rihanna looks dumb.  Please remove her from my music and movies.

Rihanna Looks Dumb

Carly Rae Jepsen?  Who stepped in what?  Yet another terrible song for your listening pleasure:

The Sky Is The Limit must be gay code for anal sex.  So is “funnel cake.”

#1 – Piss

#2 – Poo

#3 – Poop and Pee at the same time.

#4 – Poo, Pee, and a Yak (a barf).  Mostly done by bulimics and people who don’t feel very good.

#5 – Opening up your intestine and chopping up parts and throwing it at police (Zombies gotta poop somehow)

The newer Dawn of the Dead introduced running zombies.  Is it really that much weirder than the idea of zombies in the first place?

[Rec] was a “demonic infestation” sort of zombie thing rather than a virus or reanimated corpses due to magic/radiation.   By the way, that was a spoiler.

Want to hire screamers with 13 dB yells or higher to make movies seem more scary than they are.  Apply at the offices of William Castle.

Screamer

Facebook and Mark Zuckerburg jokes are so funny.

The real #5 – Peeing inside someone.  A whole #1, while penetrating them.

#6 – Same thing as #5 but taking a shit on them instead.

#7 – Forced ejaculation

#8 – Vegetables in orifices, coming out.

The #1 (pun intended) defense against Zombies is making a house out of sugary treats.

GingerBread House

#9 – You don’t even need a can opener.  You just peel it back and drop that shit in, then you turn it to medium heat and stir it.

#10 – Strawberry sauce/Period Juice on your Hot Dog.

#11 – “Painting the porta potty.”  The paintbrush is your dick and the porta potty is a person’s ass.

X Squared – all of the above

Boy that was a great one, huh, guys?  Who knows what’s going to happen next week!

 

Squacklecast Episode 7 – “FUCK the Strawberry Festival!”

This entry is part 7 of 31 in the series The Squacklecast

This week we watched Chernobyl Diaries, a movie about a bunch of college kids going to Russia to dick around and take Instagrams of ruined buildings and put them in meaningless filters so that they can show off to their friends.  They also bring their crazy knife-wielding soccer coach along for the lulz.

Chernobyl Diaries has an old zombie lady masturbating in a closet in an attic of one of the buildings.  Gross!

Too much Carrie Underwood and Colbie Caillat in Chernobyl Diaries for my taste.  It’s almost like a boring wedding video.

This is the knife that the soccer coach had.

Cool Knife

Why does Will Smith like making sequels to movies 10 years after the fact?  It’s not like he was doing anything that important in the mean time between movies.  If he’s going to make a shitty movie, he might as well make it while it is still relevant.

Bad Boys (1995) -> Bad Boys II (2003) = 8 years

Men in Black II (2002) -> Men In Black III (2012) = 10 years

I, Robot (2004) -> I, Robot 2 (currently 2015) = ~11 years

Hologram Tupac takes the forefront in Men In Black III, don’t be fooled by the trailers.  They’re pulling a Metal Gear Solid 2 on us.

Ali 2 will be Will Smith walking around with Parkinson’s until he either cures it or dies from it, made in 2018.

Independence Day 2 or even 3?  Welcome to URF again in 10 years!

 

Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith shitting on their White House and blowing up alien landmarks.  How do you like that, mother fuckers!?  Aliens getting shit on all the time!

Kind of sounds like Avatar

Avatar 2 is gonna be at the bottom of the ocean.  Or something.  You heard it here first, Jeff Goldblum is in Avatar 2.

On the flip side of things, Prometheus looks like it’ll be a good movie.

AVP and AVP 2 are no bueno.

Mortal Kombat: Legacy was terrible.  You should watch it.  It was directed by that guy that did Fame.

Street Fighter and The Legend of Chun-Li had it right — only have a story about one character, not 35 million characters at the same time.  That’s about the only thing they did right, and the rest of it was so wrong it was right.

Paul W.S. Anderson is the poor man’s Michael Bay.  And obviously not as good looking.

Dead Or Alive is one of Paul W.S. Anderson’s travesties.  But at least that is better than any of Uwe Boll‘s movies.

The Island is a less classy version of Never Let Me Go.

George Lucas would probably go back into the Star Wars movies and remove Ewan MacGregor’s beauty marks just so that it is consistent through all of the movies.

Kind of something like this:

Ewan MacGregor After George Lucas Had His Way With Him

Ewan MacGregor After George Lucas Had His Way With Him

 

And most of all, FUCK THE STRAWBERRY FESTIVAL!

Did you hear they banned plastic bags in LA?  Fuck that shit!  How am I supposed to line my little trash cans?

Everything is going to be made from the blood of trees now.

The Middle East is just a big fucking desert, who cares what happens to the environment there.  No one freakin lives there anyway.  So let’s toss all of our unused plastic bags into it.

Gobi Plastic Desert

See you guys next week! :licky:

 

Squacklecast Episode 6 – “Mermaid Off the Port Bow!”

This entry is part 6 of 31 in the series The Squacklecast

Whoa, did we miss another week?  Sorry ya’ll, but this week we’ll take a look at The Little Mermaid, Snow White, and how they’re both kind of crappy movies.  The reason why we’re even bothering?  Because Billy never watched it before last week!

The Evil Queen should have put Snow White into a sleeper hold and then shot her.

Sleeper Hold

Little Mermaid run time – 83 minutes

Snow White run time – 83 minutes

D:

Who would do a credit for “Birds”?  Purv Pullen, of course.

Bedtime for Bonzo… a movie with Ronald Reagan and a chimpanzee!  I’d guess its a movie about killing a lab chimpanzee from the title.

Squackle Film Festival, with Troll 2 to begin and to end!  Also featuring Strange Saga of Hiroshi the Sex Machine and Hooking Up.  More movies to be announced at a later date.

Wouldn’t YOU like to penetrate the Little Mermaid?

Little Mermaid

Sebastian is just a scrotum with a huge penis coming out of it along with pincers.  A dick with pincers, even.

Sebastien

Ariel would qualify for being an episode of Hoarders.

TWO new Snow White movies?  Whyyyyy?  Number 1.  Number 2.

Who the fuck is that guy in the mirror?  It must be Zordon.

Zordon!

Mirror Mirror on the wall...

The fairest one of all?

The Fairest One of All

By Janny Northman

WHO PUT A DICK IN THIS BOX?

The Evil Queen's Box Has a Dick In It

Whatever you do, don’t search for “Little Mermaid Hentai…”

Will it be two weeks or next week that we do the next podcast?  No one knows.

 

Squacklecast Episode 5 – “We’re Back! An Avenger’s Story”

This entry is part 5 of 31 in the series The Squacklecast

We’re back!  Sorry for the no-podcast-last-week thing.  Hope you didn’t miss us too much.  This week, the summer blockbuster The Avengers is talked about in great detail.

Strongly be advised that this week’s podcast has spoilers about The Avengers!!

My shoe is bigger than this car!  (Expendables 2 Trailer)

We touch upon the similarities The Avengers has with Battleship

and Transformers 3

They must be copying and pasting all those city-wide destruction scenes from each other.

Jeremy Renner was a good bad guy in The Avengers, but not as good at being bad as in SWAT.

Did YOU know there was another Hemsworth?  I didn’t.

Why I don’t like Mark Ruffalo as Hulk?  This quote:

Mark Ruffalo describes Bruce Banner as “a guy struggling with two sides of himself, the dark and the light; everything he does in his life is filtered through issues of control.” He furthermore describes Banner’s alter ego the Hulk as “a loose cannon – he’s the teammate none of them are sure they want, it’s like throwing a grenade into the middle of the group and hoping it turns out well!”

Great analysis of your character, now tell us something we don’t all know.  He’s a loose cannon?  For chrissakes can’t you think of something more interesting to say?

Eric Banna’s Hulk vs. Edward Norton’s The Incredible Hulk

Columbo vs. Perry Mason GO

That Thanos guy looks a lot like Darkseid.

Saving Captain America

Liam Neeson as Liam Neeson in The Avengers 2.

and also Maverick and Iceman.

It’s my money and I need it now!  Cause I’m BACK!

And if you don’t know the reference in the episode title, here it is.

 

Odin Sphere (PS2) Review

Developer: Vanillaware | Publisher: Atlus || Overall: 9.0/10

Warning: This review has spoilers since the game is like 5 years old at this point.

If ever a game has attempted to be Shakespearean in its story delivery, it is Odin Sphere.  Odin Sphere is a side-scrolling action beat-em-up game starring five different playable characters.  The story and how it is presented is very much the forefront on what is “unique” about this game, but the mechanics involved are also very robust and allows for a challenging experience whether or not you want one.

Without doing much research or knowing much about the game beforehand, if you dive right into it, you’ll probably be a little bit confused.  Confused because you start out the game as a little girl in the attic of the house she presumably lives in.  You’ll see a book, and then you’ll see a cat named Socrates.  Nothing really happens unless you start reading the book at which case you’ll begin the story of Gwendolyn, the daughter of the Demon Lord Odin.

My personal experience with the game began 2 or so years ago.  I had played the game quite a bit but never actually beaten Gwendolyn’s storyline, so when I had actually gotten through her book, it was quite intriguing to see the oh-so-dramatic events and the ending for Gwendolyn.

For the first 5 books, you will play characters who are somehow connected to the royalty of the world of Erion.  The five different characters go through the events of the story from their points of view, and will occasionally fight or interact with other characters you have controlled or will control later on.  Needless to say, the story itself is very non-linear and if you stick with it you will see an interestingly multifaceted story unveil before you.  The only thing that detracts from this are the boss battles in which you defeat bosses in different areas or under different circumstances, but still the same fight when all is said and done.  It feels kind of weird “killing” or severely debilitating the same dragon repeatedly, considering he had just been defeated or will be defeated again by another one of the characters you play in what seems like a day or two story-wise.

Besides the blatant “replay the same game 5 times” aspect of the game, which you really kind of do, they do toss in different mechanics for each of the characters you play with.  The different weapons and characters all have unique and different feels, and it keeps the gameplay more-or-less fresh as you go and play through the story again.  As for the mechanics itself, you will mostly be hitting the Square button over and over.  Jumping and the direction of the analog stick while you press the Square button affect the type of attacks you do, and it is a pretty standard combo fighting system.  There aren’t any huge combos to pull off, but most of the challenge in the game comes in the strategy in which you defeat the enemies that are laid out before you in each section.  Almost every character is able to parry attacks and perform knock-backs.  Gwendolyn, using a spear, can block and glide around the map.  Cornelius, using a sword, can block attacks and do a spinning attack in mid-air.  Mercedes, using a bow, can fly, charge her attacks, and use a unique magic spell.  Oswald can activate shadow powers and make all of his normal attacks hit around twice as hard and twice as fast for a short period of time.  Velvet, using chains, can attack all around her, charge an attack and swing across the map. Using each individual character’s strengths to your advantage is vital to defeating the challenges presented.

Each character has the same repertoire of magic “Psypher” attacks, but they are earned in a different order.  The essential purpose of these Psypher magics are to make the game easier for you — you will need to use them to defeat tons of enemies or defeat a boss you just had enough of instead of just spamming your basic attacks.  Basic attacks can also only be spammed to a certain point, as they are limited by a POW gauge.  The POW gauge will decrease as you use your basic attacks and then you’ll have to run around or stop attacking for a few seconds for the gauge to fill again.  If you fully deplete the POW gauge you will stun yourself for a good 4 to 5 seconds waiting for the gauge to fill to 100% again before being able to move.  A lot of the strategy you employ during the harder fights in the game rely on a careful balance of your attacks and trying to be conservative in your spams.  The game mechanics are fairly engaging and can be quite fun despite its simplistic approach.

What makes the game more of an Action RPG is obviously with its leveling and, to a lesser degree, alchemy system.  Your Psypher and your Character each have independent levels.  The main way to increase your levels is by the way you use Phozons.  Phozons are magical orbs that appear after you defeat an enemy.  You can choose to absorb the Phozons into your Psypher weapon or put a seed into the ground and after a certain amount of required Phozons, pick the fruit (or meat) that grows out of the ground.  You also have a limited storage menu so you’ll have to constantly be managing it as you play through each section.  The food that you can buy or grow in the game can also be used between levels to increase your hit points and gain more experience at a more efficient rate than just eating the food alone.  When you are able to access the Pooka Village, you can visit either of the two restaurants and have them cook up something using your food and adding some permanent hit points.  Using these restaurants are vital to increasing your characters stats — the natural hit point increases from leveling up are about half the amount you actually want to have by the end of each book… at least on Easy mode.

One of the things Odin Sphere has going for, or against it, is its difficulty.  I started playing the game on normal, and ended up dying so many times on shitty trash (non-boss) enemies that I changed the difficulty to Easy.  It was more-or-less smooth going from there, but there were still some tricky bosses that made me question whether or not I was still on Easy.  The bosses at the end of the game were also quite difficult for an “Easy” setting, which makes me wonder how hard the Normal and Hard settings actually would be.  It really made me question what kind of enjoyment people get out of dying over and over on games like this… it really isn’t that much fun to keep dying, but to each their own, I suppose.

The visuals are definitely one of the other unique aspects of this game.  Vanillaware is known for their awesome-looking 2D hand-drawn visuals that stray from what you normally see in gaming today.  They also like to draw chicks with huge boobs and sexy legs and little to nothing to cover it all.  Girls with less-emphasized features also exist in the game, so it’s not that “one-sided” as far as it goes.  Suffice to say, all of the chicks — even the queen of death — are all banging and who wouldn’t want to see these chicks getting ass-rammed with their boobs flopping around?  There’s a lot of provocative fan-service animations and poses the female characters in the game do, as well.

The art style is also interesting because you will see giant men who have toothpick legs.  Not all of the men in the game are that disproportionate, and there are a couple of different mythological races in the game such as Dwarves and Fairies.  Most of the game is influenced by Norse mythology and mixes in with normal fantasy, and the art style definitely goes with what is going on, as it is essentially a “storybook” being read by the little girl in the attic every time you start up the game.

The point of the game probably won’t culminate into much of a cohesion until the end of the game, which all of the events that transpire in each individual character’s book leads to.  The last phase of the game is a series of five difficult boss battles, and provided you leveled each of the characters appropriately and they have enough items to assist them in the final battle, you will choose one character to fight each boss up to the game’s ending.

The game begins to split its path when you choose the correct or “incorrect” character for a particular end boss.  Each boss is to be paired against one of the characters you have played as “the prophecies state” that you collect while playing the preamble.  There is a satisfying ending as long as you choose the correct characters, but there’s not a whole lot that is “plainly explained” in the context of the story.  The purpose of the girl, which I believe her name is Alice, at the beginning is more-or-less justified, giving the story, which you thought as a “child’s story” to be something more of a sad, dark history of the world she lives in.  When Cornelius and a Pooka-cursed Velvet appear in the attic she has been reading her books in, it affirms that the books her “grandpa loved to read so much” actually were real after all.  The set of five books, including the Armageddon and Wheel of Fate books combined ends up being the “Odin Sphere” book written by an unnamed, unknown character whom we can only assume the identity of.  It can be also be inferred that the writer is “you” since you were there at all of the events that had transpired.

I sort of wish that they would have added a little bit more of an explanation on certain things that were left open to interpretation in the game.  The question behind who wrote the Odin Sphere book series is probably the biggest question, and how Cornelius and Velvet affect the world after they turn back into humans, and where the people of Valentine originally came from, and what the actual origin of the mechanically alien-like Cauldron is.  The total rounding up of all the loose ends wouldn’t have taken much effort, considering they were more-or-less extraneous aspects of the story that were still interesting.

I spent a good 40 hours or so on this game, and I probably would have liked to spend about 10 hours less than I did, having to beat the same bosses over and over, in what seems like a forced fashion.  They could have, and should have trimmed any of the “forced” boss encounters, especially considering you don’t even get any experience from those battles anyway.  Once you complete a book, it’s nice being able to replay the story from the beginning, but all of the locations you opened up through your first time through should have been open as well so that people trying to grind up levels a little bit for the Armageddon didn’t have to go through the same stuff again.

The inventory UI, while having an interesting take, was probably the most frustrating thing about the normal gameplay.  I wished so many times that I could open the bag view and use all my items there rather than having to use it through the swirly-circle-single-bag-at-a-time interface.  I would lose items many times and just go through each of my bags not remembering or not knowing or not seeing where something went.  Once all of the books opened up and I was grinding levels for the Armageddon, there is no way to change books without resetting the game entirely — that seemed like an oversight on the part of the design team.

Odin Sphere can be a real challenge to get through and see it through, but I feel like it’s worth it, since what the game set out to do is probably not going to be done again.  I loved the art, I loved the way the story was told, and the game play was a good stylistic compliment.

 

Squacklecast Episode 4 – “DJ Honey, Drop It!”

This entry is part 4 of 31 in the series The Squacklecast

DJ HONEY, DROP IT!

Now onto what we actually talk about.

This week we talk about The Lucky One, starring Zac Efron, and how dumb the premise sounds without actually watching the movie!

Zac Efron’s bra trick apparently makes him a super hero.

Dear John is a little more sensible than The Lucky One, wouldn’t you say?

Don’t you get it?  I FORGOT what THE VOW was which was ABOUT AMNESIA?!??!

Rachel McAdams is apparently in movies.

Channing Tatum wasn’t the standout figure in the first GI Joe.

GI Joe Retaliation can’t be worse than the first one… right?

EVERYBODY’S DEAD!!!

Rachel Nichols is so beautiful…

She was in P2

With Wes Bentley

Jonathan Pryce as “U.S. President” in GI Joe 2?  NOT BELIEVABLE

Zac Efron and Channing Tatum in a gay romance movie?  It’s gonna happen.  DAT BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN MARKET.

Charlie St. Cloud is a movie about Zac Efron getting dating tips from his dead younger brother’s ghost.  And something about sailing?

Pretty In Pink, I like that shit.

Theres about 100 more GI Joe characters to kill off before they reboot the franchise.

Everything you need to know about the ThunderCats.

I hate musicals.  And just because its a gay-themed one doesn’t mean I’m going to be guilted into liking it!

And this BearCity movie looks pretty gross.  Lots of hair.  I get enough of that in the mirror.

The Sound of Music is gay in the happy way.

“Video Team” is an amazing name for a company.

Edward Penishands???

Thanks for listening this week.  Maybe next week we’ll talk about more porn.

 

The Bipolar Bear and the Water Skiing Buffalo

One day there was a polar bear.  He had issues.  He had a sister who always overreacted about everything ever that ever happened.  His mom wasn’t that much better.  Unfortunately for this polar bear, he became nicknamed the Bipolar Bear due to his inherent illnesses contracted by the social oppression created by his familial situation.

When the Bipolar Bear was old enough to move out of his house, he moved to sunny California.  He had to get a roommate because he didn’t have enough money for his own room, so he had to post a lot of advertisements on telephone poles and traffic signs.  A couple of his signs actually caused some accidents because they flew away after the tape had eroded and flew into the open-windowed cars, causing paper cuts of a severe nature that killed almost instantly.  It was a windy day.

It was the worst of times.  It was the best of times.  The Water Skiing Buffalo was doing so many chicks he couldn’t count them.  He was soooo cool.  That was until the economy fell and he couldn’t pay for his buffahoes anymore.  His full-time job of being the only water skiing buffalo, hence his name, became commoditized with a sudden influx of foreign sea gulls learning how to drive boats, allowing for multitudes of different animals who have no business being on the water, on the water, resulting in a rapid loss of money.  Broken, shamed, and nowhere else to go, the Water Skiing Buffalo headed to California because that’s where everyone goes when they want to feel like they’re better than they are.  He thought if he could get on a couple of movie sets and show them what he’s got, they’d hire him to do some water skiing in front of a camera, since he was pretty good looking.

Anyway, to make a long, boring interlude short, the Water Skiing Buffalo and the Bipolar Bear somehow ended up living together.  They became sorta good friends, but they don’t really hang out a lot.  Only like three days out of the week do they even see each other, and they live together!  That’s crazy!  Right?!?!  I don’t even KNOW what they’re doing!

So, one day, as the Water Skiing Buffalo and the Bipolar Bear hiked down Sunset Avenue, they met a lady with a booming voice who was talking about a lot of religious malarkey.  She was shouting about how she repented and used to be a sinner and used to be the enemy of God.  How this witch of a lady could go around and just yell random nonsense without anyone telling her to shut up because of her uncanny ability to make her voice travel through the dimensions of space, time, and jelly, was beyond them.

The Enemy of God, who really was a witch, had a sick obsession with jelly, and to a higher exponential form, preserves.  She saw the water buffalo and the polar bear and conceived a diabolical plot to acquire all of their jelly!  The two roommates just moved in like three months ago and they don’t usually eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches so they had like two jars of unopened jelly just waiting to have the life sucked out of them by The Enemy of God.

The Enemy of God called her rich friend President Hagen.  He was in charge of a local college and was going to be ousted soon due to an impeachment process.  He was being impeached because he ordered 600 computers and drove them to Alaska.  He wasn’t even USING them for the school!  He was going to build a large server house and sell Canadian money to Americans over the Internet, and make a 50% profit.  Depending on when you read this story, it might make sense or it might not make sense.  This story was written future-proof, just in case American money becomes more expensive than Canadian money again.

President Hagen picked up the phone and he was in the Jacuzzi.  He was throwing darts at the staff members who reported him to his bosses.  He kept like a bushel of these pictures in random places so that he can always do something lewd toward them, like wipe his arm pit sweat, waft his fart, or blow his burp at them.  Once he bought a Thank You card, and wrote a derogatory word that did not actually describe said person after “Thank You” inside the card.  Needless to say, he did not put a return address on there.  This man was as rude as they came.  How he greased the palms of everyone during his road to the presidency is an undocumented and probably illegal ordeal, on account of him being a grade A number 1 doodoo rag.

President Hagen, holed up in his Alaskan server complex had his 600 Computers working in tandem to serve his needs and his online business.  He had one computer just to control his Jacuzzi, that’s how many computers he had.  He got a call over the popular internet voice calling program TalkToMyFaceCauseTheHandsAin’tTypin or THAT for short from his friend, The Enemy of God. The Enemy of God yelled through her phone and conveyed to President Hagen her plans.  Not that it mattered too much since he wasn’t even listening and was playing minesweeper on his computer.

After he hung up with The Enemy of God, President Hagen got out of the Jacuzzi and put a towel on.  He walked into his quarter million dollar bathroom with heated AND cooling toilet seats (also managed by a computer) and began typing on a pull out computer while he was doing his doo-dy on the toilet.  His secondary server complex located in Nevada, the aptly named Hagen Dessert Server Complex (the Alaskan one was named the Hagen Iced Latte Server Complex) was running a little hot, and he adjusted the air conditioner.

“No melting ice cream, today, Nevada…”  The President said in between farts.

The President finished up, and wiped his ass with a picture of Juniper Rodriguez, a senior staff member at Hoodywoody College.

“You like the taste of that, Juniper?”

The President got up and put his towel back on.  He then grabbed a picture of Daniel Torres, another senior staff member, lit it on fire and dropped it in the toilet.

“BURN, DANIEL, BURN!!”

An hour or two later, President Hagen was passed out on his couch and snoring very loudly.  Oliver 6800, the boy robot slave President Hagen constructed from the innards of five computers, trembled in front of his master, as he wanted to ask him for more hard drive space.

“Please, sir, may I have some more?” Oliver 6800 chirped.

President Hagen awoke and yelled, “MOOOOOORREEEEEEEEE??????”

President Hagen then beat Oliver 6800… at Hearts.

The next day…

“Have you seen my mommy??”  Oliver 6800 asked President Hagen.

“Mommy????????????????????????” President Hagen threw his hands into the air.

President Hagen then beat Oliver 6800… at Monopoly.  It was a five hour ordeal and pretty gruesome.

Then child services came and acquired Oliver 6800 from President Hagen because he was abusing his robotic child.

Back to the Enemy of God, she was arrested later that evening for knowingly aiding a child abuser, even though the child abuser himself would not be charged and would be allowed to continue in his weird abuse of technology for some time to come.  She was also arrested for stealing a pallet of jelly from a grocery store that kept tens of thousands of dollars of jelly in their store room.

As for the oddly paired Bipolar Bear and Water Skiing Buffalo, they lived together for 7 years, decided it was in their best interests to apply for Common Law Marriage for the tax breaks and then cheated the system out of food stamps for years to come.  Those stamps sure did taste good, the glue was flavored!

Moral:  Don’t take more than you need.

 

Squacklecast Episode 3 – “Live at Roscoe’s!!!”

This entry is part 3 of 31 in the series The Squacklecast

Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles is the host of the Squacklecast this week!  Well, not really, but we did just eat there before we recorded the podcast.  We would have went to MoLAA (Museum of Los Angeles Assholes) but we had a podcast to record!

I hate Instagr.am — it does NUTH HING.  Our shitty phones have all the shitty effects Instagram applies to your shitty pictures already.

I want to see Houseguest re-released in theaters.

Sinbad was in Good Burger…

and First Kid.

Brock Pierce?  He’s gotta be a porn actor now…

The shitty trailer for LOL:

Are We There Canceled Yet?

James Spader was in a couple of space movies, like Supernova, Stargate, and Speaking of Sex.

The Ice Pirates is one of my favorite movies of all time.

The Strange Saga of Hiroshi the Freeloading Sex Machine is a “pink erotica” film from Japan full of medium-core sex, cucumbers shoved in asses, public nudity, lesbian sex in a graveyard, and people jerking it on top of fire escape ladders.

Saving Silverman > Jersey Girl

American Reunion – another tragedy loosely based off the actual actor’s lives?

Bad Taste is one of Peter Jackson’s movies that he made before Lord of the Rings.

Boiler Room is Ben Affleck’s best movie, because he wasn’t the main character.

It was much better than Daredevil, obviously.

SHUT UP ALREADY!

See you guys next week.

 

Squacklecast Episode 2 – “We Planned This Out”

This entry is part 2 of 31 in the series The Squacklecast

Hello again, faithful Squacklers!  This week we talk about more random movies with the second episode of the Squacklecast — “We Planned This Out.”  Davepoobond and Solid Billy take on the pressing questions of our times, like “Why does Jean Claude Van Damme play the same character in Kickboxer and Bloodsport?” and realizing that Sean Bean is actually a lazy actor because he dies in practically all his movies so he doesn’t have to act anymore!

The Schticky Commercial:

Vince Offer was arrested for an altercation with a prostitute.

And here’s his mugshot!

Vince Offer should just get a lavalier mic.  But he insists on using his stupid headset.

The Shamwow Spanish commercial:

The SlapChop!

The Better Marriage Blanket

American Reunion is coming out.

American Pie: The Naked Mile was pretty dumb.

Shannon Elizabeth could carry a movie by herself as a stereotypical foreigner.

End of Days is probably better than Collateral Damage.

John Leguizamo’s List of Victims

There was a lot of innuendo in Home Alone 2.

Training Day is a lot more like Home Alone 2 than you might care to realize…

Home Alone 3 was also a travesty.

There were only two black guys in Glory, a movie about a black-american regiment in the Civil War.

Dr. Who should reunite all the James Bonds in a “reunion” movie.

Little Man should be re-released in 3D.

Song of the South should be released in 3D, too.  But its in the Disney Vault’s Secret Chamber, never to be seen again.

Bloodsport vs. Kickboxer – more like red haired guy vs. black guy with a machine gun!

Sean Bean dies in all the movies he’s in:

Someone getting hurt or killed during a robbery should be a given, shouldn’t it?

Ca$h is the movie where Sean Bean dies twice.

Thanks for tuning in!  Next time we’ll be live at Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles.

 

Squacklecast Episode 1 – “Episode 468”

This entry is part 1 of 31 in the series The Squacklecast

Hello everyone!  This is the first episode of the Squacklecast, named “Episode 468,” with your hosts davepoobond and Solid Billy.  If you aren’t aware, you can click the “play” button above to start the podcast.  You can also play it in a popup window or even download it.

This post is meant to supplement the Squacklecast so that you can easily refer to all the things that we are talking about.

Katy Perry – Part of Me music video

Taxi Driver is a movie with Robert De Niro and Cybill Shepherd.

That Justin Bieber magazine cover I was talking about:

He looks like a girl.

He looks like a girl.

Lesbians That Look Like Justin Bieber on Tumblr.com

Sarah Jessica Parker Looks Like a Horse.com

This movie that I hate called The Blind Side.

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

Sandra Bullock is good in Crash because she’s good at being a racist.

But her best movie is really Demolition Man.

The necessarily annoying foil to Keanu Reeves in Speed.

That He-man recut of that LMFAO song.

Bridesmaids was bad.

Ninja Vixens on Google Image Search

Surf Nazis Must Die

And here’s a Youtube trailer.

Netflix doesn’t have Hard to Kill

But they have Ernest Goes to Camp.

Ernest Goes to Camp is 4.99 at Best Buy but you have to get 2 other movies too…

Solid Billy is still waiting for Steel, the blacksmith empowerment film, on Netflix!  Get on it, Reed Hastings!

Fresyes?  More like Fresno, since they rolled it out everywhere recently – Doritos Tacos Locos at Taco Bell.

A tribute to 3D chips.

Samuel L. Jackson dies in Deep Blue Sea.  Or was it the Abyss?  I don’t even fuckin know what movie I’m watching.

The Abyss is about aliens in the water.

I swear I saw Avatar.

Avatar is a total rip off of the following movies:

Fantastic Planet

ThumbelinaThe Love Story in Avatar is pretty much this movie.

Fern Gully: The Last RainforestI swear this is pretty much the trailer for Avatar.

WE NEED A SPORTS GUY

I might have talked to her once on the phone…

So hawt.

Davepoobond talked to her on the phone once, maybe.

How to Make a Better Podcast

Until next time, folks!