#22494: davepoobond -> manceman

davepoobond: i ate 2 footlongs from subway today

manceman: shit man’

davepoobond: 😉

manceman: haha

davepoobond: i really did though

davepoobond: i was really hungry

manceman: haha

manceman: i guessed

davepoobond: i dont usually eat 2 footlongs

davepoobond: only thing i had today was pop tarts and 2 footies

manceman: haha

manceman: nice

 

#22492: davepoobond -> Automatic Man

davepoobond: i ate 2 footlong sandwiches from subway

davepoobond: today

davepoobond: isn’t that funny

Automatic Man: wow

Automatic Man: so thats y u were going there

davepoobond: when did you see me

Automatic Man: after school

Automatic Man: a little after

davepoobond: were you at the intersection

Automatic Man: ya

davepoobond: there was a coupon that i could get 3 footlongs for 10.99

Automatic Man: shit

davepoobond: so i thought what the hell, i’ll use it. i’m hungry anyway

Automatic Man: i had a footlong sub today

davepoobond: i have a bunch of coupons

davepoobond: for subway

davepoobond: i’ll give you some

Automatic Man: cool

davepoobond: they expire the 16th

Automatic Man: it was soo good, but it costeded me 9 dollars

davepoobond: 3 footlongs at reg. price is 12.99 or whatever

davepoobond: it was like 11 after

davepoobond: so i only saved a buck

davepoobond: which is kind of a rip off for a coupon

Automatic Man: but that buck will get you 100/164ths of a gallon of gas

davepoobond: i guess

davepoobond: well

davepoobond: diesel costs 1.89

davepoobond: right now

Automatic Man: o it went up

davepoobond: no, it never changed

davepoobond: it was like that for the past few months

Automatic Man: theres a cheap gas station in pas that has diesel for like 165

davepoobond: you can get it for less in cheaper areas

davepoobond: yeah, its just price gouging

Automatic Man: yep

davepoobond: its a more affluent area, so people will pay more

Automatic Man: you dont get gas at the crest, do you?

davepoobond: no

davepoobond: no diesel there

Automatic Man: hey dave, dont tread on me

davepoobond: i get it at chevron

Automatic Man: o

davepoobond: its either that, or at the union at alta canyada

davepoobond: and its the same damn price

davepoobond: i like chevron better anyway

Automatic Man: o

Automatic Man: its all about the union

davepoobond: it has techron

davepoobond: which keeps the motor clean

davepoobond: er

Automatic Man: oh dave, thats a bunch of shit

Automatic Man: they do that to attract people who dont know shit about cars (like yourself)

davepoobond: what the hell does it do then

Automatic Man: techron?

davepoobond: yeah

Automatic Man: well first, you gotta really prove that they add sumthin else to the GAS

Automatic Man: im not sure if the gas even has it, let alone the diesel

Automatic Man: but it might

Automatic Man: i dunno

davepoobond: if it didn’t have it they wouldn’t advertise it

davepoobond: its false advertising and that’s illegal

davepoobond: so they add something

Automatic Man: but can YOU prove that it really cleans out carbon deposits in the engine?

davepoobond: probably not, but nor do i care that much, because i’m still gonna go to chevron which might have something or might not instead of going somewhere that doesn’t have anything advertised as being added into it

davepoobond: namely union

 

The Bipolar Bear and the Water Skiing Buffalo

One day there was a polar bear.  He had issues.  He had a sister who always overreacted about everything ever that ever happened.  His mom wasn’t that much better.  Unfortunately for this polar bear, he became nicknamed the Bipolar Bear due to his inherent illnesses contracted by the social oppression created by his familial situation.

When the Bipolar Bear was old enough to move out of his house, he moved to sunny California.  He had to get a roommate because he didn’t have enough money for his own room, so he had to post a lot of advertisements on telephone poles and traffic signs.  A couple of his signs actually caused some accidents because they flew away after the tape had eroded and flew into the open-windowed cars, causing paper cuts of a severe nature that killed almost instantly.  It was a windy day.

It was the worst of times.  It was the best of times.  The Water Skiing Buffalo was doing so many chicks he couldn’t count them.  He was soooo cool.  That was until the economy fell and he couldn’t pay for his buffahoes anymore.  His full-time job of being the only water skiing buffalo, hence his name, became commoditized with a sudden influx of foreign sea gulls learning how to drive boats, allowing for multitudes of different animals who have no business being on the water, on the water, resulting in a rapid loss of money.  Broken, shamed, and nowhere else to go, the Water Skiing Buffalo headed to California because that’s where everyone goes when they want to feel like they’re better than they are.  He thought if he could get on a couple of movie sets and show them what he’s got, they’d hire him to do some water skiing in front of a camera, since he was pretty good looking.

Anyway, to make a long, boring interlude short, the Water Skiing Buffalo and the Bipolar Bear somehow ended up living together.  They became sorta good friends, but they don’t really hang out a lot.  Only like three days out of the week do they even see each other, and they live together!  That’s crazy!  Right?!?!  I don’t even KNOW what they’re doing!

So, one day, as the Water Skiing Buffalo and the Bipolar Bear hiked down Sunset Avenue, they met a lady with a booming voice who was talking about a lot of religious malarkey.  She was shouting about how she repented and used to be a sinner and used to be the enemy of God.  How this witch of a lady could go around and just yell random nonsense without anyone telling her to shut up because of her uncanny ability to make her voice travel through the dimensions of space, time, and jelly, was beyond them.

The Enemy of God, who really was a witch, had a sick obsession with jelly, and to a higher exponential form, preserves.  She saw the water buffalo and the polar bear and conceived a diabolical plot to acquire all of their jelly!  The two roommates just moved in like three months ago and they don’t usually eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches so they had like two jars of unopened jelly just waiting to have the life sucked out of them by The Enemy of God.

The Enemy of God called her rich friend President Hagen.  He was in charge of a local college and was going to be ousted soon due to an impeachment process.  He was being impeached because he ordered 600 computers and drove them to Alaska.  He wasn’t even USING them for the school!  He was going to build a large server house and sell Canadian money to Americans over the Internet, and make a 50% profit.  Depending on when you read this story, it might make sense or it might not make sense.  This story was written future-proof, just in case American money becomes more expensive than Canadian money again.

President Hagen picked up the phone and he was in the Jacuzzi.  He was throwing darts at the staff members who reported him to his bosses.  He kept like a bushel of these pictures in random places so that he can always do something lewd toward them, like wipe his arm pit sweat, waft his fart, or blow his burp at them.  Once he bought a Thank You card, and wrote a derogatory word that did not actually describe said person after “Thank You” inside the card.  Needless to say, he did not put a return address on there.  This man was as rude as they came.  How he greased the palms of everyone during his road to the presidency is an undocumented and probably illegal ordeal, on account of him being a grade A number 1 doodoo rag.

President Hagen, holed up in his Alaskan server complex had his 600 Computers working in tandem to serve his needs and his online business.  He had one computer just to control his Jacuzzi, that’s how many computers he had.  He got a call over the popular internet voice calling program TalkToMyFaceCauseTheHandsAin’tTypin or THAT for short from his friend, The Enemy of God. The Enemy of God yelled through her phone and conveyed to President Hagen her plans.  Not that it mattered too much since he wasn’t even listening and was playing minesweeper on his computer.

After he hung up with The Enemy of God, President Hagen got out of the Jacuzzi and put a towel on.  He walked into his quarter million dollar bathroom with heated AND cooling toilet seats (also managed by a computer) and began typing on a pull out computer while he was doing his doo-dy on the toilet.  His secondary server complex located in Nevada, the aptly named Hagen Dessert Server Complex (the Alaskan one was named the Hagen Iced Latte Server Complex) was running a little hot, and he adjusted the air conditioner.

“No melting ice cream, today, Nevada…”  The President said in between farts.

The President finished up, and wiped his ass with a picture of Juniper Rodriguez, a senior staff member at Hoodywoody College.

“You like the taste of that, Juniper?”

The President got up and put his towel back on.  He then grabbed a picture of Daniel Torres, another senior staff member, lit it on fire and dropped it in the toilet.

“BURN, DANIEL, BURN!!”

An hour or two later, President Hagen was passed out on his couch and snoring very loudly.  Oliver 6800, the boy robot slave President Hagen constructed from the innards of five computers, trembled in front of his master, as he wanted to ask him for more hard drive space.

“Please, sir, may I have some more?” Oliver 6800 chirped.

President Hagen awoke and yelled, “MOOOOOORREEEEEEEEE??????”

President Hagen then beat Oliver 6800… at Hearts.

The next day…

“Have you seen my mommy??”  Oliver 6800 asked President Hagen.

“Mommy????????????????????????” President Hagen threw his hands into the air.

President Hagen then beat Oliver 6800… at Monopoly.  It was a five hour ordeal and pretty gruesome.

Then child services came and acquired Oliver 6800 from President Hagen because he was abusing his robotic child.

Back to the Enemy of God, she was arrested later that evening for knowingly aiding a child abuser, even though the child abuser himself would not be charged and would be allowed to continue in his weird abuse of technology for some time to come.  She was also arrested for stealing a pallet of jelly from a grocery store that kept tens of thousands of dollars of jelly in their store room.

As for the oddly paired Bipolar Bear and Water Skiing Buffalo, they lived together for 7 years, decided it was in their best interests to apply for Common Law Marriage for the tax breaks and then cheated the system out of food stamps for years to come.  Those stamps sure did taste good, the glue was flavored!

Moral:  Don’t take more than you need.

 

The Cashier Quiz

This entry is part 5 of 5 in the series Cashier Lessons

The Cashier Quiz is the quiz that contains all the Cashiering questions created.  Test your know-how of how to be a cashier by answering these questions.  Any new questions created will be added here.

How do you know when to apply the breakfast discount?

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If someone who doesn't work at the store comes to you and asks you to give them pens to use because there is an event and they keep losing pens because people take them... What do you do?

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What do you do when a customer has an old gift card?

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The White Board tells you how to do something new, so you...

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What do you do with the register slips in your drawer during the day?

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There's a frantic bird in the store and no one can seem to catch it. What do you do?

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A customer comes to your register and would like to rent out one rental textbook. So you...

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A customer would like to return a t-shirt, however they do not have a receipt with them. So you...

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There are 10 minutes left and you run out of dimes. The next transaction requires dimes as change. So you...

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When an elephant wants to buy a scantron for 35 cents with an ATM card, what do you do?

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School Days

Things were different when I went to school.  First of all, we didn’t have any jugs to do our math for us.  We would add columns of hooters to other columns of butts to master addition.  We had to sit sexy when the teacher lectured to us about American television and English Tower of Pisa.  Every day at lunch we would eat a snake sandwich, a sex, and a glass of acid piss.

In science lab, we dissected a stoner man and saw its bologna and warhead.  Some people got sick and did it when we did this.  Sometimes we would have a bathroom show.  Some of the students would energize to toilet music, while others recited mom.  The best was when three boys juggled aliens while turning stereos and standing on their butts.

 

Construction on the Sandwich

Dear Mr. Boaling Ball,

I’m Katie from the 7/8 newspaper The Odyssey, and I’m writing an article on the new popsicle gimme some dickin’ sandwich and i crave the cock.  If you could please answer the following questions and add any other information you think would benefit my article that would be greatly appreciated.

1) About when do you think the sandwich will be finished?

2) When did they start construction on the sandwich?

3) What’s the benefit of having aster-turf as opposed to grass?

4) What is the i crave the cock made of?

5) Were there any donations toward the project?

Thank you very much for your time, and when you are finished please place the information in Mr. Pillups’ box.

Thanks again,

Katie

 

Foodland’s Top Ten Movie Stars

Cheryl Lard

Rabbit Redford

Goldie Hen

Lauren Bagel

Barbra Streisandwich

Vincent Slice

Jane Fondue

Ingrid Burgerman

Pea Marvin

Beet Midler

And their favorite comics of all time:

Peter Fork

Bread Buttons

Joan Livers

David Steinburger

Lico-Rich Little

Phyllis Dill-Pickle

Bean Martin and Cherry Lewis