Ridiculous Spam Mail #22175

Subject: Visit the Russia! Without clothes..

I was at the farm and suddenly saw William Blunk putting arm up the horses asrse, till his elbow.

Have you seen anything like that?

Just take a close look at that shit:

<insert link>

Tell me please, if you, pervert, really want to follow me, next time I go outside the town!

 

Fake Game: Slave Trade Tycoon

Slave Trade Tycoon is a game that is similar to other “Tycoon” games like Roller Coaster Tycoon, Railroad Tycoon, and Marine Park Empire.

You can choose from many time periods to slave trade in, including “the past” (easy), “the present” (normal), and “the future” (hard).  The further in time you go, the harder it gets to keep your slave trade in business, due to new humanitarian laws and the rise of individual self-worth among developing nations.

The goal of this game is to try to make money by raising and selling slaves.  You can build many kinds of things that promote your slave trade business, making it easier to supply your customers (short-term profit) with slaves or put them to work on your own personal properties (long-term profit).

You can allocate which slaves work where, and they increase in sale value depending on conditions such as youth, strength, current health, will power (bad), stupidity (good), and how many different types of jobs they can do.

Another element of the game is keeping a balance in the morale of your slaves.  Being nice to your slaves is good, but you don’t want your slaves to think you are too nice of a guy, that would mean they’d walk all over you.  There are many ways to be a slave trade master — rule with an iron fist, a warm blanket, or both!

Many different cultures/themes are available, along with their own specific goals, such as:

Egyptian – Making the pyramids.

American – Plantations

Germany – Slave Camp

Russia – Prostitution

Alien – Human slave camps

Different problems that occur during the game that challenge your skills include:

Slave riots

Slave escape (Underground Railroads)

Civil Wars/Wars with other nations

Plagues/Diseases

 

You Have Written a Nuclear Test-Ban Treaty

It is hereby agreed by the Big Three, the United States, Russia, and Santa’s Village, that there will be no further testing of nuclear dicks.  However, tests may be made under hooters.  Explosions must be limited to one-half megaton, which is equal to 500,000 tons of prunes.  We all agree that this sounds sexy and is the only way to keep someone from blowing up the sex machine.

It is here by agreed, by the Big Three, The U.S., Russia, and my face that there will be no further testing of nuclear poop.  However tests may be made under my butt.  Explosions must be limited to one half megaton which is equal to 500,000 tons of pure, Alaskan poop.  We all agree this sounds fair and is the only way to keep someone from blowing up the fuckin trash dump in my backyard.

 

Joke #18706

Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son’s a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.

The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, “Are those your kids?”

“Yes, they are!” I answered proudly.

“They adopted?” he asked.

“Yes,” I replied.

“I thought so,” he concluded. “I figured you’re too old to have kids that small.”

 

What Do People Say About Our Seafood?

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Silly Signs

Sign in King Arthur’s court: Sign up now for knight school.

Sign in speech class: No silence allowed.

Sign in a cafeteria in Holland: Mothers, please wash your Hans before eating.

Sign in the headquarters of the 7th Cavalry: Custer blew the Little Big Horn

Sign in a flight school: No crash courses given here.

Sign in the office of a hippie dermatologist: Give me some skin, man!

Sign in a sign-language class: Please talk with your hands.

Sign in a theater: Shakespeare married an Avon lady.

– Sign in medical school: Orthopedists get all the breaks.

– Sign in a doctor’s office: If you’re not completely satisfied with our cure, your disease cheerfully refunded.

Sign in a crook’s hideout: Warning! The police are armed and dangerous.

Sign near a frozen lake along a historical route: George Washington slipped here.

Sign in a doctor’s office: An apple a day is bad for business.

Sign in a realtor’s office: Give me land, lots of land, and I’ll build condominiums and make a fortune.

Sign in a beauty salon: W work so hard that we’ll even dye for you!

Sign in a sleazy cafeteria: Our silverware is not medicine – don’t take it after eating!

Sign in a garden: Beware of vegetarians!

Sign next to a deep-fryer in a kitchen: We melt the fat away.

Sign in a dentist’s office: Good oral hygiene is bad for business.

Sign in a cannibal’s hut: I never met a man I didn’t like.

Sign in a cafeteria: Shoes required to eat in the cafeteria.

Penciled-in afterthought: Socks can eat wherever they want to.

– Sign in a gymnasium: We tell you everything you always wanted to know about strength, but were too weak to ask.

– Sign in an I.R.S. office: In God we trust.  Everyone else we audit.

– Sign in a beach house: Bully permit required to kick sand in the faces of 98 lb. weaklings.

– Sign in a generating plant: We have the power to make you see the light.

– Sign on a jeweler’s shop: If your watch doesn’t tick, tock to us.

– Sign in a funeral home: Pay or don’t die.

– Sign in front of an oceanography class: Open only to students who can keep above C-level.

– Sign in a Vassar math class: Girls, watch your figures.

– Sign in an Italian class: Speak Italian, but don’t talk with your hands.

– Sign in a new math class: In here, we follow the liter.

– Sign in an old-age home: We’re not deaf.  We just heard everything worth hearing already.

– Sign in a post office: Postal workers are sissies.  They can’t even lick stamps.

– Sign on the door of a fencing school: Back in one hour — out to lunge.

– Sign on the screen (during intermission of a killer bee movie): Don’t leave.  This is only the calm before the swarm.

– Sign in a tailor’s shop: I am a man of the cloth.

– Sign in a witches’ coven: We came.  We saw.  We conjured.

– Sign in a chicken coop: Caution.  Fowl language spoken here.

– Sign in a Pawnbroker’s shop: See us at your earliest inconvenience.

– Sign in the window of a store: Our Going Out of Business sale was such a success, we’re having another one next month.

– Sign in a prison biology class: Study your cells.

Sign on a pet store for a litter of dachshund pups: Get a long little doggie.

Sign on a pet store for an opossum: A peticularly good possumbility.

Sign on a pet store for an Angora rabbit: A rare bit of company.

Sign on a pet store for Siamese kittens: Take both — they’re attached to each other.

– Safety Sign in a Karate cooking class: Wok, do not run.

– Sign for “The King of the Jungle Moving Company”: We Don’t Take Your Move Lion Down

– Sign in a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for me with 16 and 17 necks.

Sign in the window of an Oregon general store: Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?

– Sign in a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

– Sign on a Tennessee highway: Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

– On a safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket: If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member.

– Sign in a shop in Maine: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

– Sign on a delicatessen wall: Our best is none too good.

– Sign in a cocktail lounge in Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

– Sign in a city restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.

– Sign in a Japanese hotel: “You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.”

– Sign in the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

– From a menu from Poland: Salad a firm’s own make; Limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; Roasted duck let loose; Beef rashers beaten in the country people’s fashion.

– Sign in a Hong Kong Supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

– From the “Soviet Weekly:” There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet republic painters and sculptors.  These were executed over the past two years.

– Sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to Moscow, you are welcome to it.

– Sign in a laundry in Rome: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

 

Joke #9254: Genesister Act

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

“Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be British.”

“Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.”

“No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian.”

 

Joke #9125

Morris and Becky were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”

The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”