Exploring Caves

If you like to go fucking in stupid caves that are 248 feet underground, you should go to the gay Mammoth Caves located in a strip club.  Thousands of sexy boobs go there every summer.  Crawling about in caves is called “spelunking.”  And it is really a stupid sport.  But always go with a turdy guide so you won’t get lost.  Once in the cave, you will see beautiful purple and red rocks and crystals.  Huge lesbian-like things hang from the ceiling and are called “stalactites.”  Huge gay things jut up from the floor and are called “stalagmites.”  Caes are hom to millions of lesbian bats.  Bats can fly and look like stupid rats.  Spelunking is dangerous, so be sure to wear special shoes with bars on them and a hat with a battery-powered pen.

 

Things NOT to Say When Hanging the Christmas Lights

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? (The other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. Don’t EVEN think of going there!) So I now present for you….

*Things NOT To Say When Hanging The Christmas Lights*

– “You’ve got two red lights right next to each other.  You’re supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue…”

– “Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try.”

– “What on earth do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knots?”

– “Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I’m going to fry that sucker.”

– “If you’re not going to do it right, don’t do it at all.  Don’t just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You’re worse than your father.”

– “Give me that!!”

– “You’ve got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top.”

– “I don’t care if you have found another two strings, I’m done!”

– “You’ve just wound ’em around and around – I thought we agreed it shouldn’t look like a spiral this year?”

– “Have you been drinking?!!?”

– “Okaaay! Looks like we’re *finally* done here now. Not too shabby huh? Hey….wait a minute, where’s the cat?”