You Give Stink a Bad Name

Parody of Bon Jovi – You Give Love a Bad Name

C’mon, be honest…it stinks, doesn’t it?

Angel hair pasta is what I smell
I promised you noodles but just gave you shells..
Grains of corn and Cream Of Wheat
Are racking your body and trying to break free..

Oh..
You’re a loaded gun..
Oh..
There’s nowhere to run,
Gas-X can’t save you-
The damage is done..

I smell a fart, and you’re to blame
You give stink a bad name… (damn shame)
You eat Pop Tarts
And then you aim my way
You give stink a bad name… (bad name)

I’m turning pink..

Oh..

Pepto-Bismol on your lips
Beanos fall from your fingertips..
Boston cream & apple pie,
Your very first rip
Blew a whole through your thigh..

Oh..
Youre a loaded gun..
Oh..
Theres nowhere to run-
Maalox can’t save you
The damage is done..

I smell a fart,and you’re to blame hurlin’
You give stink a bad name.. (damn shame)
You eat pop tarts
And then you aim my way
You give stink a bad name… (bad name)

Oh you give stink….

A bad name.

 

Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free.  Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.  They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention.

 

The Unfriendly Restaurhaunt and Coffin Shop Moan-U

The following is a menu offered at the Unfriendly Restaurhant and Coffin Shop Moan-U.

A die-ning delight that will lift your spirits!

SAND-WITCHES

Boo-loney

Boo-gels and Scream Cheese

Hallow-weenies

Liver-worst

BOO-VERAGES

Milk Shaaaakes

Ice Scream Floats

Orange Crrrush

HEX-TRAS

Clammy on the Half Shell

Chilllled Tomb-ato Juice

Deviled Eggs

SOUPS AND SALADS

L-eeek! Soup

Cream of Asparaghost

Arti-Choke Hearts

Lettuce Alone Salad

Marinated Brussel Shouts

SIGHED DISHES

Baked Beings

Cre-mated Spinach

DESS-HURTS

Creep Suzettes

Banana Scream Pie

Sheet Cake

Key Slime Pie

Hot Sludge Shun-dae

TODAY’S SPE-CHILLS

Spook-ghetti

Souther Fright Chicken

Ghoul-lash

Turkey with Grave-y

Pasta-way

Breakfast Served from Midnight to 3 A.M. Daily

CEREALS

Ghost Toasties with Evaporated Milk

Shrouded Wheat

Scream of Wheat

EGGS

Terri-fried Eggs — Over Easy

Scream-bled Eggs

Three-moan-it Soft-booled Eggs

Stormy-side-up Eggs

Eggs Boonidict

Cust-tomb-ers: We accept Die-ners Club, Monster Card, and American Hex-press Credit Cards

 

Fifteen Things A Brother Or Sister Will Never Say To You

1. “Can I help you clean your room?”

2. “You decide what movie we go to.  You have much better taste!”

3. “I don’t like hanging around with your friends.  They’re much too sophisticated for me.”

4. “Can I finish your lima beans?”

5. “Here’s your sweater back.  I had it cleaned before I returned it.”

6. “You don’t have to entertain me while Mom and Dad are out.  I’ll go up to my room and read a book by myself.”

7. “You take the biggest piece of pie.  I’m too full!”

8. “I’ll be happy to lend you ten dollars.  Pay it back whenever you can.”

9. “Can I do your math homework for you tonight?  I don’t have much to do.”

10. “It wasn’t your fault.  It was all my fault.”

11. “I saw you were on the phone, so I decided to be silent.”

12. “Why don’t you wear my new Springsteen sweatshirt? It looks better on you!”

13. “Betcha I can wash and dry the supper dishes all by myself!”

14. “You sit in the front seat.”

15. “I started the fight.  You didn’t!”