Tongue Twisters

– Each Easter Eddie eats eighty Easter eggs.

– Seventy sailors sailed seven swift ships.

– Joe jumps joyfully in June and July.

– Davy Dear ducks Dinah Dear daily.

– Fast Freddie Frog fries fat flying fish.

– Hairy Harry Hartley hurries home.

– Slippery southern snakes slide swiftly down ski slopes.

– Billy Bunny burst his big beautiful blue balloon.

– Fran fans Fred frantically.

– Fast Frank fries frankfurters and french fries.

– How many bagels could a Beagle bake if a Beagle could bake bagels?

– Seven silly skunks sighed sadly.

– Little Linda Lamb licks her lovely lips.

– “Shoot, Sally,” Slim Sam shouted shyly.

– Wee Willy whistles to wise Wilber Whale.

 

Funny Bumper Stickers

1. Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

2. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

3. Where there’s a will … I want to be on it.

4. It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

5. Don’t drink and drive … You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

6. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies out of the trunk.

7. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

8. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

9. Be nice to your kids … They will pick out your nursing home.

10. Always remember you’re unique … Just like everyone else.

11. Horn broken, watch for finger!

12. Your kid may be an honor student, but you’re still an idiot!

13. All generalizations are false!

14. Cover me! I’m changing lanes!

15. I brake for no apparent reason.

16. Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control!

17. I’m not as think as you drunk I am!

18. Forget about world peace…visualize using your turn signal!

19. We have enough youth! How ’bout a Fountain of Smart?

20. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

21. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math!

22. It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you!

23. Dear Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog! Love, Dorothy!

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

26. I love cats…they taste just like chicken!

27. Out of my mind, back in five minutes.

28. Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.

29. Born free…taxed to death.

30. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

31. Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

32. Rehab is for quitters!

33. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

34. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.

35. Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

36. Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.

37. All men are idiots, and I married their King!

38. Montana — At least our cows are sane!

39. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian!

40. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

41. If you don’t like the news, go out and make some!

42. When you do a good deed, get a receipt–in case heaven is like the IRS…

43. So many pedestrians, so little time.

44. Let’s keep out of touch.

 

Joke #5236: A Woman’s Wreck

A lady had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

“My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”

“Yes officer, I’m just fine!” the woman chirped.”Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the woman began. “I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was …”

“Uh, ma’am”, the officer said, cutting her off… “there isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”