I wanted to get a job as a clerk-typist, but I didn’t know how to type clerks.
Q: Why did Ozzy Osbourne get fired from his job at the candy store?
A: He couldn’t stop biting the heads off the chocolate bunnies.
Q: What do you call a robot with no job?
A: An employed droid.
Question: Why did you leave your last job?
Answer: I felt my talents and abilities were underutilized.
Translation: It sucked.
Question: What are your biggest weaknesses?
Answer: I’m a workaholic. I just don’t know when to put down my work.
Translation: I can’t concentrate for more than five minutes, hate all forms of authority, and tend to fall asleep at my desk.
Question: You seem to have moved around a lot in a short amount of time. Why should we think you’ll stay here any longer than
you’ve stayed elsewhere?
Answer: I’m at a point in my career where I am tired of moving around. I really want to feel part of a team, a long-term enterprise, where I can make a contribution.
Translation: My employers have always had a hang-up about keeping only non-competent employees.
Question: How do you handle change?
Answer: I think everyone knows that today the only constant is change. I thrive on it.
Translation: I deal with it everyday unless I’m out of clean underwear.
Question: How do you get along with others?
Answer: I think the interpersonal dynamics of the work place can be among the most satisfying aspects of any job.
Translation: I like people, as long as they stay out of my face.
Question: What does the word success mean to you?
Answer: Success, for me, would be knowing I am making a difference working with a team of people to make a more profitable enterprise.
Translation: It means that I don’t have to drag my sorry butt out of bed to kiss yours.
Question: What does the word failure mean to you?
Answer: Failure? I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean. That word is not in my vocabulary.
Translation: It means I continue to collect unemployment insurance, with the hope of a 6 month extension.
Question: Do you get along with your current boss?
Answer: I don’t think I’d call him a boss; he’s been more of a mentor to me.
Translation: I get along fine considering what kind of a malicious jerk he is.
Question: Do you ever get angry with coworkers?
Answer: Nothing angers me more than to see a coworker not pulling his weight, goofing off, or stealing. Yes, sometimes I do get angry with coworkers.
Translation: I don’t get angry. I get even.
Question: Can I contact your references?
Answer: Maybe I can arrange to have them contact you.
Translation: Sure, but they wont know who I am.
Question: What words best describe you?
Answer: Compassionate, Creative, Team player, Organized, Efficient
Translation: Genius, Horny, Dog, Clockwatcher, Unorganized, Lazy
(note: this is VERY stupid, but i dont give a crap…)
Manager Man: hello Mr. Boast, would you please sit down?
Billy: why, i would love too!
Mangager Man: um…ok….
(billy sits down on a chair closest to the door, but farthest from Mangager Man)
Mangager Man: So..you applied to our toy store, to make new ideas for toys?
Billy: yes, i did. i have many….ideas, for new toys
Mangager Man: Hmm, that’s good. What school did you go to for high school?
Billy: I went to a school in Washington
Mangager Man: Why are you looking for a job in New York then?
Billy: I just came here to work for your fine toy store!
Mangager Man: Oh, ok…what ideas do you have for new toys?
Billy: Well, there could be a Post-apocoliptyc type of doll living in a Bomb Shelter, and the ceiling would come off and the doll would enjoy all the modern lifestyles of home: canned food, fold up chairs, fold up tables, and on the outside can be a bunch of craters and crap strewn around the backyard too.
Manager Man: ok, you’re hired!
Manager Man: you start in 5 minutes, the sweat shop is upstairs, past the guards
Billy (getting up): thank you!
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”
Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.”
“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.
“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there”, answers Tom.
“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.
“Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”
“What if the phone was busy?”
“In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station”.
“What if that had been vandalized?”
“Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo”.
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”
“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”
The human resource dictionary is your quick guide to figuring out what those phrases you see from the human resource department of a company.
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY”
We have no time to train you.
“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE”
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up.
“MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED”
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED”
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
“DUTIES WILL VARY”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”
We have no quality control.
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
“APPLY IN PERSON”
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE”
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE”
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST”
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS”
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS”
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
apiwide – n. 1/32 of a cock of a job
apilong – n. 1/32 of an ass of a job
apilateral – n. 1/32 of a breast of a job