obrotilsuu – v. to wash your hands before you take the trash out, but not after. Weird.
Q: What has hands but cannot clap?
A: A clock.
“You are starting to get rude letting those people destroy my house that i built with my bare hands”
– from the Internet
MAN: “Doctor, what’s the biggest problem you have in treating a patient with two broken hands?”
DOC: “Getting him to sign a check for my bill.”
MOTHER: “If evolution really worked, I’d have more than one pair of hands.”
“My brother, the gymnast, stands on his hands all day.”
“Your brother always did do everything backwards.”
A football scout returned from the hills of Kentucky and told his boss, “I found a kid up there who is six feet, nine inches tall and weighs four hundred pounds. He has hands like hams and a neck size of thirty inches.”
The college coach jumped up from behind his desk and shouted, “He sounds like what the team needs. Bring him in.”
“I can’t,” said the scout. “His chain only reaches ten feet.”
We all have different talents and do different things in different ways. But here are something NO normal person can do.
– No normal person can eat raw carrots quietly.
– No normal person can give directions without using his hands.
– No normal person can walk past a mirror without glancing in it.
– No normal person can watch another person yawn three times without yawning himself.
Q: What were the soccer star’s first words as a baby?
A: Look, Ma, no hands.
Chris: How are your violin lessons going?
Liz: Very well. I’ve already mastered the first steps.
Chris: I thought you were supposed to play the violin with your hands!
Q: What did the digital clock say to its mom?
A: Look mom, no hands!
kanuj – v. to make a fart noise by blowing into your hands
Q: What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?
A: She screamed her hands off.
Written in conjunction with stimpyismyname
Inside an “abandoned” wherehouse music store, lurks the evil evil man, Mr. Dr. Evil, that is not from Austin Powers because this is an entirely different story as you will see.
Well, here came along Miss Poodle back from pooing off the Statue of LIberty. She said, “Well, I am relieved now and the statue has a lovely new brown coat!”
And then Mr. Dr. Evil (that’s his full name), he…exposed…how he loathed all fat women named Miss Poodle, when he exclaimed, “How I loathe you fat women, named Miss Poodle!”
Miss Poodle was flabbergasted and said, “I’m flabbergasted,” she also added, “I have gas and my armpits are sweaty.”
Mr. Dr. Evil said, “Get out of my house, for I too have gas and together, we….um….yeah”
Miss Poodle got very interested. She raised a finger and as she did, the excitement was too much for her and she farted.
Mr. Dr. Evil realized then that he hadn’t gotten new shoes from Payless, and he ran away from his lab rather quickly, but being careful to not step on Miss Poodle, because, along with her large…um…thing…she was very attractive in a very strange way.
After getting his Land Before Time shoes, he was happy.
After Mr. Dr. Evil and Miss Poodle had a brief love affair, Mr. Dr. Evil decided that she was too big to handle…har har…and he would, have to giver her his Terribly Bad Bad Bad Evil Dangerously Bad Untested Big Bad Bottled Potion.
Oh no! Miss Poodle turned into The Manicle! The super cool fat lady that’s not really a lady comma but a man, and…and…and Mr. Dr. Evil is gay.
The Manicle is a guy with a spike on his….a real one, that can retract just like Wolverine’s but its on his head, not his hands.
The Manicle killed Mr. Dr. Evil because he’s gay and he doesn’t like gay people.
You may think its The End, but its not.
One day a person named Ed was serving someone at Good Burger. The customer said, “I’d like to have a Good Shake please.” Ed said, “OK” then Ed shook him. The customer said, ” What are you doing? I’m going to Mondo Burger.” Then 2 aliens with 3 hands each came in. Ed said, “Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Can I take your order?” One alien said, “We want your planet……how much is it?” Ed says, “One Good Earth. That’ll be 8 bucks.” The alien said, “Thank you for selling your world for 8 bucks. We’ll send you to anytime in the past.” Ed said, “Cool” then he started shaking their hands in the middle of their stomachs and accidentally ripped them out. The alien said, “You have pulled out our hands from our stomachs!” Ed said, “Uh no.” “We will transport you to the midevil times now.” Then there was a circle over Ed. The circle sucked him up.
Meanwhile in the midevil times the evil God was about to kill the king. Then out of nowhere Ed fell on top of the evil God who died because the sword went through his head. Then Ed said, “Uh no.” The king said, “Thank you. You have saved me. I will grant you anything you want.” Ed said, “I want 8 bucks.” The king gave him 8 bucks and they lived happily ever after after Ed killed the king accidentally.
Moral: Violence don’t play that game.