Intellectual Bathroom Graffiti

If bathroom graffiti were written in such a way that it was “intellectual” you might see stuff like this…

Cindy Lou Edleman Performs Quality Sexual Favors.

Your Mother and Father Are of the Same Genetic Background.

Mexicans Smell Vaguely of Jalapenos.

Last Night You Enjoyed Carnal Pleasures With Your Sister.

Your Intelligence Quota is Dubious at Best.

For a Moderate Fee I Believe Your Mother Would Fellate Me.

You Have Had Intimate Relations With a Person of African Descent and You Shall Never Know the Love of a Caucasian Again.

You Look Upon Your Dog With Lust.

Methinks You Have the Odor of Fecal Matter Upon You.

I Partook in Intercourse with Your Sister’s Derriere.

The Acne on Your Face Spreads Throughout Your Nether Regions.

The People of France Know Not the Joys of Deodorant.

A Hamster is Superior in Intelligence to Your Mother.

For An Evening of Sordid Delights Involving Both Sadism and Masochism, Please Ring Mary at 212.555.5555.

Ryan Beaugarde is Inadequate in the Ways of Oral Enjoyment.

The Heavy Metal Rock Band Entitled Motley Crue is Quite First-Rate.

Your Sexually Promiscuous Mother Can Be Found in the Phone Book Under “Whore.”

Homosexuals Are Men Who Have Intercourse With Other Men. If You Participate in Such Activities You Are A Homosexual.

Your Father’s Proclivities Lead Him to Engage in Relations with Livestock.

President Bush is Missing a Chromosome.

The Toilet Upon Which You Currently Sit is Sprayed with a Mixture of Vomit, Feces and Urine.

 

Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone is Stupid

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a happy meal.

A few beers short of a six pack.

A few peas short of a casserole.

The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.

One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

All foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash.

Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

Her sewing machine’s out of thread.

His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slinky’s kinked.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.

 

Rodents in the Rain: A Love Story

Two hamsters are dancing next to two beavers on the street.
Then it starts to rain.
One of the hamsters has got an umbrella, and the other three animals say: You’re the greatest, now we can continue dancing, without getting wet!
So dance lasted till midnight, and then they married.

The End

 

Children’s Books that Didn’t Make the Cut

1. You Are Different and That’s Bad

2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

3. Dad’s New Wife Robert

4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share

5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

6. The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking

7. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

8. All Cats Go to Hell

9. The Little Sissy Who Snitched

10. Some Kittens Can Fly

11. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

12. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

13. Pop! Goes The Hamster…And Other Great Microwave Games

14. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

15. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things