You Know You’re Sick When…

You know you’re sick when…

– you vomit and the vomit mysteriously spells, “fart.”

– you are butt-fucking a goat in the backyard while your mom and the whole neighborhood is watching you, regularly.

– you watch, “I Love Lucy” and fall in love with Ricky and the way he bongs on his bongos and can’t stop thinking how he’d bong your bongos.

– you think the Home Alone Series is intellectual and educational, and your favorite part is when Kevin’s mom screams.

– you have the game “Shaq-Fu” for SEGA Genesis

– you say “cheek cheeky boom boom” when you get arrested when they say, “whatever you say can and will be used in a court of law.”

– you get up in the morning and feel like reading the Encyclopedia Brittanica from A-Z with all the special issues and add-ons for the 5th time in 3 days.

– you throw marshmallows at someone you have a crush on

– you play Bingo with yourself and shout, “BINGO!!” when you get it, you also live with 4 friends that now think your crazy.

– you think a cool thing to do is to dangle a cap from a string and hypnotize people.

– you think walking into a church naked is a funny prank, but even better, is walking into a nudist’s church with clothes on.

– you eat your intestine as a bedtime snack.

– you stick pencils up every hole in your body and run through town, naked, with the pencils in your holes, screaming, “I’m a walrus!”

– you get bees up your pants regularly.

– you pelt yourself, and other people, with pudding every Sunday.

– you use “what is the name of your telephone number” for a pickup line.

– you beat dogs, just cause they show their butthole to the whole world and still “smile.”

You know someone in your family is really sick when…

– the telephone rings and your teenaged daughter doesn’t feel well enough to run and answer it.

– you offer to take your wife shopping for a new dress and she doesn’t feel well enough to get of bed.

– you visit your mother-in-law and she’s too sick to even talk.

– you give away your tickets to the Super Bowl because you feel too ill to go to the game.

– your seven-year-old stays in the house all day and is good as gold.

– your teenaged son gives you back the keys to the car and tells you he’s going to bed instead of to the drive-in on Saturday night.

 

Joke #5261: Little Mary

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school; usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?”

When Mary did not stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

“God Almighty!” shouted Mary and the teacher said, “Very good.” and Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, “Who is our Lord and Savior,” but, Mary did not even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. “Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Mary fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”

Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”

The Teacher fainted.

 

Joke #5254: Keep Daddy Thin

One night, a young boy heard noises from his parent’s bedroom. It was hard for him, but he went back to sleep.

The next night he heard the same noises, but once again fell back asleep. Finally, on the third day that he was woken up by his parents, he decides to see what the heck they are doing. So he walks up to his parents room, and sees his mother on top of his father. She is moving up and down on top of him, and they both are making grunting noises. He has no idea what is going on, and decides to go back to bed.

The next morning the boy tells his mother about how they woke him up, and what he saw when he went to see what they were doing. Finally, he asks what was going on. His mother decides he is too young to learn about sex, so she tells him that since his father is getting old and fat, she has to jump on top on him to keep him thin. “But mommy,” the boy exclaims, “That won’t work, cause everyday when you go to work, the next door neighboor comes over and blows him back up!”

 

I LOVE MONKEYS

I love monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they are normally a couple thousand apiece. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing. When I got home, I herded them into my room.

They didn’t adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it’s third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. God damn cheap monkeys. I didn’t know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn’t work.

It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys. I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is, until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn’t want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn’t go bad. I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, and The odor wasn’t improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them away, but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn’t take it either. I didn’t bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution: I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn’t quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals. God, I love monkeys.

 

Joke #5204: Broken Leg

“HOW DID IT HAPPEN?” the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man’s broken leg.

“Well, doc, 25 years ago …”

“Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.”

“Like I was saying…25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d gone to bed, the farmer’s beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, ‘No, everything is fine.’

‘Are you sure?’ she asked.

‘I’m sure.’

‘Isn’t there anything I can do for you?’

‘I reckon not,'”

“Excuse me,” said the doctor, “What does this story have to do with your leg?”

“Well, this morning,” the farmhand explained, “it dawned on me what she meant, and I fell off the roof!”