Jingle Bells Song #24438

Dashing through the snow
On a broken pair of skis
Oh no I’m heading for the tree
As I go to stand up I realize
I have just broken my knees

The snow is turning red
I think I’m almost dead
I spent my Christmas Eve
In a stupid hospital bed

OH
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Grandma had a gun
pulled the trigger
and lost her finger in 1981

Hey!

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Grandma had a gun
pulled the trigger
and lost her finger in 1981

Hey!

 

Fortunes Cookies …in Bed! List

Everyone knows that Fortune Cookies have some important things to tell us about our future.  Most of the time they don’t make much sense as a “future prediction.”   But that is true until you add the suffix of “…in bed!”  That favorable fortune you just cracked out of your sugary cookie from your favorite Chinese food establishment just got sexy!

So, here’s a list of Fortune Cookie messages — you can add “…in bed” to the end of them and they will become super sexualized and funny!

If you have more fortunes, feel free to leave a comment and I will add it to the list.

The world will soon be ready to receive your talents  …in bed!

Be willing to be uncomfortable.  Be comfortable being uncomfortable.  It may get tough …in bed!

The person closest to you is more important than you realize …in bed!

You’ll get more secure and confident in your relationships with co-workers …in bed!

We do three kinds of jobs, cheap, quick, and good …in bed!

An enjoyable vacation awaits you …in bed!

The current year will bring you much happiness …in bed!

Don’t look back, always look ahead …in bed!

Happy events will take place shortly in your home …in bed!

An important discussion will take place today …in bed!

Nothing can keep you from reaching your goals …in bed!

You have a charming way with words.  Write a letter this week …in bed!

Try something new today …in bed!

Watch for a stranger near you to soon become a friend …in bed!

When in doubt, let your instincts guide you …in bed!

Now is the time for peace in your life.  Go along with other’s ideas …in bed!

You will soon be changing your present line of work …in bed!

You are the center of every group’s attention …in bed!

You may lose the small ones but win the big ones …in bed!

People find it difficult to resist your persuasive manner …in bed!

Express your talents in art and music …in bed!

You will do well to expand your horizons …in bed!

You could prosper in the field of medicine …in bed!

The sky’s the limit this month …in bed!

The strengths in your character will bring you serenity …in bed!

You will be fortunate in everything you put your hands on …in bed!

Your investment of time in work or school next week is important …in bed!

Your next business venture will be very profitable …in bed!

You will be involved in many humanitarian projects …in bed!

If you look in the right places, you can find good offerings …in bed!

Find release from your cares, have a good time …in bed!

You will soon be crossing the great waters …in bed!

Turn your thoughts within — find yourself …in bed!

A thrilling time is in your immediate future …in bed!

Someone from your past will happily re-enter your life soon …in bed!

Soon, you will receive pleasant news …in bed!

You will find your horizons suddenly broadened …in bed!

A pleasant surprise is in store for you soon …in bed!

You are attracted to things with an exotic flavor …in bed!

Many pleasurable and memorable adventures are in store for you …in bed!

Next week, green is a lucky color for you …in bed!

Tomorrow your friend or partner will tell you some exciting news …in bed!

On Friday your creative side will shine forth with exceptional ideas …in bed!

A thrilling time is in your future …in bed!

Next summer, you will dance to a different beat …in bed!

Nothing can keep you from reaching your goals.  Do it!  …in bed!

Don’t underestimate yourself.  Your social skills are needed by others at this time …in bed!

The near future holds a gift of contentment …in bed!

Your present plans will be successful …in bed!

An admirer is too shy to greet you …in bed!

Don’t worry about the stock market.  Invest in family …in bed!

You will receive some prestigious prize or award within the month …in bed!

Your talents will prove to be especially useful this week …in bed!

There are big changes ahead for you …in bed!

You are imaginative in using your skills.  Apply this next week …in bed!

Someone is interested in you.  Keep your eyes open …in bed!

An unexpected windfall will soon be yours …in bed!

You will receive an unexpected gift from an acquaintance …in bed!

You will be successful through innovation and determination …in bed!

Listen these next few days to your friends to get answers you seek …in bed!

A simple kindness today will bring you great reward …in bed!

Someone is speaking well of you at this very moment!  …in bed!

You are bright and witty …in bed!

You have an accurate and professional mind …in bed!

Executive ability is prominent in your makeup …in bed!

Your talents will capture you the highest status and prestige …in bed!

The star of happiness is shining on you …in bed!

Forge ahead with your new ideas …in bed!

Now is a lucky time for you — take a chance …in bed!

You will soon bring joy to someone new in your life …in bed!

Your persistence will pay off …in bed!

Investigate new possibilities with friends.  Now is the time!  …in bed!

The wise thing to do is to prepare for the unexpected …in bed!

You will win favors when you expand your social circle …in bed!

You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems …in bed!

You have an ambitious nature and will make a name for yourself …in bed!

Someone in your life needs a letter from you …in bed!

This week, you have a good head in matters of money …in bed!

Now is the time to call loved ones at a distance.  Share your news …in bed!

You will have many friends when you need them …in bed!

You will find your solution where you least expect it …in bed!

You will soon receive an usual [sic] gift of food for your health …in bed!

A small act of charity will go a long way …in bed!

Now is a good time to call a loved one at a distance from you …in bed!

An unexpected visitor will bring you good blessings …in bed!

You will be coming into a fortune …in bed!

Now is the time to set your sights high and go for it …in bed!

You will make many changes before settling satisfactorily …in bed!

Any doubts you may have will disappear early this month …in bed!

A new relationship is about to blossom.  You will be blessed …in bed!

Someone is speaking well of you at this very moment …in bed!

You will soon be reunited with an old friend …in bed!

When one door closes, another one will open …in bed!

Investigate new possibilities with friends.  Now is the time …in bed!

You will win success in whatever you attempt …in bed!

You will enjoy doing something different this coming weekend …in bed!

Remember three months from this date.  Good things are in store for you …in bed!

This year your highest priority will be your family …in bed!

Your warmth radiates on those around you …in bed!

You will soon be the center of attention.  Enjoy the spotlight …in bed!

Use your abilities at this time to stay focused on your goal.  You will succeed …in bed!

Three times a week, treat yourself to dessert …in bed!

You deserve to have a good time after a hard day’s work …in bed!

Your hard work is about to pay off!  Congratulations! …in bed!

You will soon witness a miracle …in bed!

Wise man is slow in choosing friends, slower in changing …in bed!

A movie would be a great way to relax this weekend …in bed!

You will always have good luck in your personal affairs …in bed!

Now is a good time to explore …in bed!

Avenues of good fortune are ahead for you …in bed!

 

Joke #18558

Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother, Josh, and I decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren’t sure what to get, because it was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be visiting my mother one day when I called home.

“Measure the bed frame before you leave,” I told him.

“I don’t have a tape measure.”

“You can use a dollar bill,” I suggested, “each one is six inches long.”

“Can’t,” he replied after digging through his wallet, “I only have a ten.”