Cashier Lesson – Using the Computer

This entry is part 4 of 5 in the series Cashier Lessons

The computer is a resource that is used in everyday operation as a customer service representative.  We say it is to help customers and to manage day-to-day operations of the cashier department, however we know that is only 25% of its use.  Keeping up to date on fashion trends and celebrity gossip is tantamount to doing any actual “work” on the vestige known as the computer at the customer service desk.

How to Avoid Helping Customers

Furiously typing away at a computer makes it seem like you are very very very busy when in fact you’re not.  Just don’t make eye contact and they’ll probably move on to the next register.

How to Avoid Helping Underlings

There are several folders on the desktop at your disposal to get those pesky cashiers off your back.  It’s not your fault that they used the last copy of the availability form that had a big “ORIGINAL” written across it — oh no.  But it certainly becomes your problem when cashiers are biting at your ankles and looking at you with dumb stares with their hand half-way inside of an empty folder wondering how to get what they need.

Just tell them “I’ll get it later.”  Then never get it.  That way someone else can do it and you don’t have to worry about shit.  If it is important enough they’ll figure out a way to get it.

How to Deflect E-mail

If you feel so inclined to check the E-mail inbox, there are a number of things you could do.  You could help each customer, but why would you do that when you could have someone else do it for you?  Simply forward it all to the applicable managers and they can sort it out.  Or why even do that?  Forward it all to your supervisor and have him deal with it.  You don’t get paid enough to deal with stupid bull shit.

Hell, just delete it all while you’re at it.  No one needs the stupid bullshit customers spout in their stupid e-mails, after all.

How to Hide What You Are Doing

Sometimes it may not be inconspicuous when one of those assholes from the corporation come by and walk through the store and wonder why there are people in line at a register or why a cashier is standing around doing nothing (there’s never a happy medium with these guys).  Always keep a blank, open tab and switch to it whenever you see someone that may get you into trouble walk by.

 

Easy Way to Learn the Alphabet

I know that people don’t usually know how to introduce the Alphabet to their young’un or some illiterate adult.  But look no further, as I’ve made a list of easy words to remember that go along with each letter!

A is for Amphetamine

B is for Bong

C is for Cocaine

D is for Death

E is for Ecstacy

F is for Flip Me Over (Because I’m Gonna Be Ridden On)

G is for Giligan’s Island

H is for Hashish

I is for Illegal Drugs

J is for Jerk-off

K is for Kill

L is for LSD

M is for Marijuana

N is for Narcotics

O is for Opium Overdose

P is for PCP

Q is for Queen Bitch

R is for Rectal Probes

S is for Snorting

T is for Tranquilizer

U is for Underwear

V is for Vagina

W is for Wanker

X is for XXX rated fortune cookies

Y is for You

Z is for Zipper

 

Dr. Stinky’s Guide to a NASCAR Race

This column brought to you by Jesus who reminds you that he did not place that beer in your hands, and that drinking 13 more cans will not make it so.

If you’re anything like me, when you think of a place that’s filled with lunatics, drunks, and rednecks, you think of the White House. Of course, the next thing you’d probably think of is a NASCAR track on Sunday. I am not ashamed to admit that I’m a NASCAR fan, and no one makes fun of me for being a NASCAR fan. Of course, I do brutally murder all opposition to me, but that’s beside the point. The point is I was at a NASCAR race this past Sunday, as I had the privilege to direct traffic on one of the track entrances. From my orange barrel stationed in the middle of the action, I got the true NASCAR experience, and though people kept trying to knock me out by hitting me over the head with beer bottles, I am here to tell you my story, as well as its moral, which is, don’t fuck with rednecks. Ha ha! I’m just kidding. The moral is to never fuck rednecks’ sheep.

But enough about the moral, let’s get to the story. The day started at 3 AM when I stumbled into the shower and accidentally turned on the icy cold water. Then I realized that I had been dumped in the Arctic Circle by my friends in the Romanian Mafia again, and I started back home. Those jokers! In any case, the U.S. military owed me a favor and dropped me off over at my house, then they proceeded to blow up my next door neighbor’s house. Last time the bastard steals a chainsaw from me. Before fire and rescue crews could arrive and accuse me of something, I was off to the race. On my way, I passed an old cemetery where Tom Cruise was shooting a new movie where he eats what’s left of the flesh of dead people. Should be a good movie. Wait a minute, there weren’t any cameras.

Anyways, I parked my car outside the speedway gates and went to sleep for a few hours. Then a speedway worker knocked on my window and told me to get to work directing traffic. There wasn’t much traffic to direct at first, so I mainly watched the campground area, where people had literally been partying all night. Some of these people hadn’t slept in days, so I decided to have a little fun with them while I wasn’t busy. In one camper, I released a pack of hungry dogs after I poured Tabasco sauce all over the drunken inhabitants. They thought I was giving them a sponge bath. To be even more cruel, I released a thousand bumblebees into another camper after I gave their dog and two cats baths in honey sauce. I thought that the campers would be upset, but they called it the best damn show they ever saw. Then they gave me a beer. Dissatisfied, I made my cruelest move of all by releasing Jeff Gordon into another camp. I heard a lot of screaming, a lot of chainsaw noises, and a lot of hole digging, and Jeff never came out. Next time, maybe I won’t forget to use the Jeff Gordon Tackling Dummy (copyright 1998 Hasbro Toys). I heard that the dummy placed 4th in the race though.

When I headed back to my post, a lineup of cars had formed, so I started letting them through. Of course, if a car came to me, it was headed in one of two directions: inside the speedway or left to handicap parking. The majority of the cars at first were headed inside the speedway, mainly because they were the pit crews and families of the drivers. I stopped
a few pit crews and made them do four tire changes on their vans. Then I proceeded to shake my head and tell them that the sort of times they put up were “winning times.” Of course, they did the best they could without any tools. I had fun with the families of the drivers too. I told them that during the race, I would kill their daddy. Then I laughed, saying I was just joking, that I’d find him AFTER the race and kill him. They seemed unhappy, but I think eventually they got the joke. Soon, actual cars started piling in, though some of the cars with handicap stickers didn’t appear to be filled with handicapped people. Does anyone else think that morbid obesity is not a handicap, that these people should just get the frickin’ liposuction and get it over with? Is it so hard for some of these people to ride an exercise bike while watching the race? These people notwithstanding, the “handicapped” problem got worse. One of the other parking attendants saw a couple walking away from their handicapped-stickered vehicle and noticed something strange. He told the couple that one of
them had to work on their limp a little. The man then proceeded to act like he was limping. The saddest part of all this is that I am not making it up.

Throughout the day, I saw many interesting people walk by me. Earlier in the day I saw a husband and wife arguing. Let me tell ya, some people are dead serious about their arguing. I mean, the guy didn’t even think twice about killing the wife. Then he asked me to help him dig the shallow grave. Then he hired Johnny Cochran. This happened in the span of about an hour. I hope his “The police are out to frame violent, sex-crazed lunatics like my client” argument holds up in court. Good luck Johnny! A number of people also came over to me and asked me if the train that ran to the other end of the speedway was running today, this in spite of the fact that it was running DIRECTLY BEHIND ME. I happily pointed the people in the right direction, although the morbidly obese people were more than a little upset about having to walk the 50 feet to the nearest train. I guess it’s pretty bad when you can hear their feet screaming for mercy. The t-shirts were really cool though. Give NASCAR fans this: They know a good t-shirt when they see it. One t-shirt advertised a new brand of M&Ms, called S&Ms. I didn’t know that the yellow peanut liked it rough, or that the green M&M looked so damn good wearing leather and holding a whip. The best t-shirt of the day though had to be the one that said on the front, “Drink ‘Til You Want Me.” The spirit of NASCAR lives on.

Once the race started, allegiances were evident. The Jeff Gordon fans collected under the grandstands for fear of oppression. I think it was a little much of them to believe that the Holy Gordon Spirit was coming to give them bravery enough to sit in the grandstands. I also think it was a little much for Jesus to be standing there not letting them out. The Dale Earnhardt, Jr. fans were everywhere in the stands, though you couldn’t understand them when they talked, mainly because every single noun was “Dale,” “Earnhardt,” or “Junior.” Here’s a sample conversation:

Redneck 1: So Dale was down at the Junior the other Earnhardt.
Redneck 2: Oh really? Did Junior buy the Dale?
Redneck 1: Nope, Earnhardt thought Dale’d be better off with the Earnhardt.
Redneck 2: Well, Junior’s a Dale. Guess Dale’d better go with the Earnhardt.

And they all knew what the other was talking about. I tell ya, with Dale Earnhardt Junior, it’s like hero-worship. They cheer him when he wins, they cheer him when he loses, the threaten death upon anyone who causes Dale pain (I was flooded with about 420 death threats after I typed this paragraph, and I didn’t even send it out immediately. How did they get my email?) I do, however, think it was a little much for them to make Junior keep his father’s corpse in the back of his car.

Well, after being showered with rubber from being so close to the track, and having had to throw water on driver Ricky Rudd as he tried to climb the grandstand fence while on fire (although I still think it was funny to shoot out his tire), I left the race. I learned a lot that day, the best lesson being that girls, when sprayed with a hose and doused with
alcohol, always show their breasts. It is a lesson I will cherish always. Well, now I’m sunburned and my skin is trying to slowly crawl away, so I better be going. But take it from me, always wear pants to a NASCAR race, even if most of the rednecks aren’t wearing clothes at all. They sold the clothes to buy tickets for this race. This happens, I’m serious. I already bought 5 kids off of 3 different couples.

(Dr. Stinky knows you aren’t a race car, but he’ll still ride you any day.)

 

Cashier Lesson – Ways to Torture Cashiers

This entry is part 3 of 5 in the series Cashier Lessons

Let’s say you are in a supervisory position over cashiers.  Typically supervising is a boring and monotonous exploit.  Babysitting other people to make sure they’re doing their job correctly can bring out the worst in people, especially when you do it day in and day out.

Why not put a little sadistic fun into your life by torturing the people you are supervising?  Here’s a few suggestions:

1. Funneling customers to one cashier’s register (or just away from you).

Nothing says “I’m lazy” more than rejecting any customer that comes your way.  But there’s a reasoning behind that.  It’s because you want that stupid cashier with the tacky blonde highlights or that other cashier with the excessively form-revealing biking shirt (can anyone say man boobs?) to have pleasure of taking another customer after the one they’re already ringing up.  Who says you need to endure the crappy money jokes customer’s always seem to think are funny when you can just deflect them to the next guy?

2. Musical registers.

Nothing wipes the hopeful look on a about-to-close-out cashier’s face than to make them close-out later by switching them to a register that closes later.  The best part about it, is that its all random and “pre-ordained to fate” because they chose a bad number.  To set up a game of musical registers, write the names of the registers on a piece of paper and cut them out.  Fold them up and then toss them into a small box or cup or something like that and have the cashiers draw a piece of paper.  These papers will tell them where to go for their registers, and if you’re lucky you’ll have a situation where a cashier who was happy they were about to close closes last and an overzealous cashier cheers that they get to close first instead of last.  Then you can revel in the pain of the cashier who just had the power play to being put into the penalty box.

3. Inventory.

Nothing is more sadistic than forcing people to count millions of Scantrons, pens, pencils, sweaters, or large amounts of random shit for hours on end.  If you get a chance, make sure they count the roundabout fixture full of dusty stickers that look alike.

4. Stare at them.

Nothing will make a cashier more uncomfortable than getting every move they make scrutinized upon by their superior.  When they mess up, you can stare at them even harder and make grunting noises and tell them they’re doing something wrong with little to no explanation.  You’re doing your job, after all.

5. Leave them with no change.

Oh, the cashier just called for pennies?  I think you should wait another twenty minutes and let them sweat a little.  Especially since they called for change five minutes ago and conveniently didn’t tell you they are about to run out of pennies.  Leave it to them to explain to customers why they don’t have three pennies to give back for change.

6. Mindless policies.

Making up policies that do not make any sense is a subtle way to make life hard for a cashier.  Nothing pains the soul more than to have needless red tape and hurdles to jump over to do even the simplest of things.  Need some more ones?  How about you fill out a cash request form which you will evaluate the reasoning for before getting the money?  How about requiring extraneous, useless information on checks to make the transaction take longer, and if they forget something, then you can punish them for doing so.

This requires some creativity, obviously.  Just think up the most ass backwards ways to frustrate your employees and execute.

7. Hidden supplies.

If a cashier is able to easily get the pens, pencils, staplers, or whatever they need easily, then you fail at torturing them.  You need to make sure that any of the office supplies they may require to finish transactions are in hard to reach or practically inaccessible areas.  Make sure these supplies are always a few steps away and limit the amount of efficiency they can possibly have by maximizing the annoyance factor.  Make sure the stapler is on the other side of the room from the pens and pencils.  Why would you ever want them to be in the same place?  It’s not like you want anything to be convenient for anyone.

 

Cashier Lesson – Being a Receptionist Without a Chair

This entry is part 2 of 5 in the series Cashier Lessons

Everyone knows that when you’re a receptionist or manning a desk you either are standing up, sitting down, or leaning against whatever can hold you weight.  But what people don’t know is how to cope with being a receptionist in a situation where the desk is made for sitting but there is no chair!  It’s supposed to make you look more approachable when you’re standing around looking like you’re straining to do everything you’re trying to do rather than sitting in a chair using the desk that is made for sitting in the way it was designed to.

So you are forced to stand, but lo and behold, you’re not four feet tall, so 85% of the surface is out of reach and the other 10% is unusable due to line of sight issues.  That leaves approximately 2.5% of the desk you used to be able to use for use.  The other 2.5% is taken up by the normal useless junk that you’re required to keep on your desk, such as business cards and phones — you never had that to begin with anyway.

There are a number of solutions to tackle this problem.  Pick the most viable solution for your situation:

1. Bring the counter to you.

This solution requires you to engineer the desk or counter in such a fashion that it rises approximately three feet into the air.  You can use anti-gravity machinery or exquisitely stylish cherry-wood wedges to accomplish this.  It’d be like you’re sitting… but you’re standing!

2. Bring you to the counter.

This solution requires you to invent the marmalade that Alice drinks in Alice in Wonderland.  Just make sure you drink just enough to shrink to the size of the desk.  But I guess you can drink enough so that you can swim around in the tears of lazy receptionists who don’t like to stand up while being a receptionist.

3. Pretend like you’re sitting.

Who says you can’t sit without a chair?  You can crouch or sit on an imaginary chair, or develop a jet engine system to keep yourself comfortably levitated at the elevation of your counter.

4. Get a new counter/table.

The most sensible solution of all is to get a new counter.  But sensibility is more expensive than a new counter, so you’ll most likely have to forgo this solution nine times out of ten.

5. Bring the surface of the counter to you.

I suppose this is most sensible low-cost solution.  But this means you spend money on ancillary items when you could just solve your problem by using the chair you already bought instead of raised surfaces to solve a problem you didn’t need to create.  But, who cares, it’s just money, right?

Another challenge that is presented is your ability to be sneaky about things.  While in a chair, you would be able to sneak a snack or a peek at your cell phone just to holla at your homies.  There are only two presentable solutions available to tackle this problem:

1. Hide under the counter/desk.

Hiding under the counter/desk allows you to temporarily shirk any responsibilities you may have been forced to do.  You can hide from customers, managers, other employees — its like a safe haven for about five minutes while you sext that hottie you met at the bar last night.

2. Make the counter into a fort.

Nothing says “fuck you” to customers better than stacking up large amounts of random shit so high into the air so they can’t see you anymore.  Who says you need to help anyone but yourself?  You need some alone time randomly during the day after you’re creeping on the hot guy/girl trying on a shirt in front of the fixture instead of the fitting room?  Time to get some boxes and staple a handwritten “Do Not Disturb” sign so people can’t see you anymore, and don’t come-a-knocking.

 

Cashier Lesson – Counterfeit Bills

This entry is part 1 of 5 in the series Cashier Lessons

This is written as a satirical instructional article.  I wrote this a long time ago, don’t know exactly when.

When checking if a bill is counterfeit, please do the following:

1. Lick it.

If the ink on the paper appears to fade after each successive lick, it is most likely not fake. Ink on real money does not dry, as odd as it may seem.

2. Hold bill up to the light.

This sends a message to everyone around you that someone is paying with a big bill. You will not only put that customer’s life in danger because they are now, by default, given the status of being a high roller, but you will give the incantation that you know what you’re looking for.

It doesn’t matter if you know what you’re looking for either, just pretend like you do.

Protip: most people will not know what you are looking for — this method also prevents people from making jokes (as opposed to using a regular counterfeit pen) because they are (most likely) embarrassed to say something retarded like “its fake, i just printed it out this morning” because you’re including more people in the transaction than just you and the customer.

3. Loud Music at all times.

When possible, have music at a volume that will be hard for a customer to crack a joke about money being fake, because you’ll have to ask them to explain it again, and it’s very disconcerting to explain it over your music. The most effective music for this technique is hardcore or really fast music, such as Bane, Hatebreed, Throwdown, Fear Before the March of Flames, and for the emo touch, Hawthorne Heights, Silverstein, or From First to Last.  Heavy metal works as well, and this includes DragonForce or Metallica from the 1980s.

4. Pretend you don’t care – give them the cold shoulder.

This works wonders to avoid stupid counterfeit bill jokes. Just nod your head slightly to convey the message you understand their joke, as if you haven’t heard it a million times before, so they don’t try and explain it to you again. Under any circumstance, DO NOT LAUGH. It ISN’T funny. You’re bound to have heard every joke in the book at this point in your career as a cashier.

 

The Idiot’s Guide to Internet Success!

Let’s begin:

Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?

A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.

Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?

A: No. This is the Internet.

Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?

A: Yes. This is the Internet.

Q: How do I proceed?

A: As you’re surfing around the net you’ll see banners and links that say things like “Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!” Simply click the link to get started.

Q: It won’t really take ninety days though, will it?

A: Of course not. They just say that so you’ll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn’t sound like hype.

Q: Okay, I’ve found one that says “Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!” Is that good?

A: Perfect.

Q: What does MLM mean?

A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains.

Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it’s the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone.  And since it’s MLM, by the time my third level is operating I’ll be making $345,915.45 per week.

A: Conservatively.

Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?

A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ… uh, clients.  You can switch your mother’s long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group.

Q: That sounds a little fishy.

A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It’s for their own good.

Q: How else can I get new business?

A: Spam. Spam. Spam.

Q: I thought spam was bad.

A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it’s bad is just jealous because their brains are too small.

Q: But won’t I lose my web host and ISP?

A: In the get-rich-quick business, it’s important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers.

Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?

A: Here’s a list of suggestions:

– Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners.
– Join every free banner exchange.
– Get your own free-for-all links page.
– Hire a bulk emailer.
– Sponsor a golf tournament.

Q: Okay, I’ve done all that and I’m still not rich. I haven’t even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong?

A: It’s possible that you’re not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I don’t have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings?

A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I’ve never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings?

A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.

 

How to Make Dalek Stew

1 – find a Dalek
2 – exterminate it before it exterminates you
3 – open the head hatch and pull the hideous Kaled mutant out
4 – cut and dice the mutant into meaty chunks
5 – put the diced Kaled chunks back into the Dalek shell
6 – pour 5 litres of water in
7 – chop up lots of vegetables and throw them in
8 – add salt and pepper with a hint of chilli powder
9 – add a hint of beer
10 – add 2 litres of gravy
11 – put the Dalek shell containing the Dalek stew onto a large gas stove and heat it at 250 degrees celsius for 3 hours
12 – open up the hatch, grab some bowls and a ladle and serve yourself and your mates Dalek stew
13 – EAT EAT EAT Cheesy Cheesy Cheesy

This is a Dalek:

 

How to Make Dalek Juice

1 – find a Dalek
2 – exterminate it before it exterminates you
3 – open the head hatch and shove a blender in
4 – blend the Kaled mutant inside until it’s completely juiced
5 – add lots of sugar
6 – ad yeast
7 – throw in some hops
8 – store the Dalek in a cold dark basement for 6 months so it ferments
9 – after fermenting carbonate the juice
10 – shove a long straw into its eye-piece
11 – DRINK DRINK DRINK Cheesy Cheesy Cheesy

This is a Dalek:

 

Guide to Disabling StartUp Programs In Windows

Disabling StartUp Programs In Win 98/ME/XP

In the System Configuration Utility:

1. Click your Start button, then click Run. Type MSCONFIG and click Ok.

2. Click the StartUp tab.

3. You will see a long list of programs with check boxes next to them. Uncheck all the programs except the following:

Registry Scan

Systray

Explorer

4. Reboot your computer and see how it runs.

 

You can always go back to the MSCONFIG window and recheck items if you find that you absolutely must have them launch at start up.

 

In Win.Ini File:

1. Click Start button, click Run, type SYSEDIT, click OK.

2. Click the C:\WINDOWS\WIN.INI tab.

3. Look near the top for a section called [Windows]. In that section, look for the load= and run= lines. If those lines are empty, just close the System Configuration window. If there is anything in those lines, put a semi-colon in front of the line, so it would look like this:

;run=c:\etc

;load=c:\etc

 

This will prevent the programs reference here from loading at startup; if you remove the semi-colon, the programs will again load at startup.

 

In the Windows Registry:

1. Click Start button, click Run, type RegEdit, click OK, to open the Registry Editor.

2. Click HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE, then SOFTWARE, then Microsoft, then Windows\CurrentVersion, then RUN.

3. In the right window pane, you will find programs that load when Win 95 starts. Right click your mouse on the one you wish to turn off at startup, click Delete.

4. Close the Registry Editor.

 

Disabling StartUp programs in Win 95

To see what programs you have running, press CTRL + ALT + DEL one time. This shows you a Close Program list. You want the Systray available, but most of these programs can be disabled so they do not load when you start your computer.

 

In the Startup Folder:

1. Right click your Start button, click Open.

2. Double click the Programs folder; double click the StartUp folder.

3. Highlight each item in the folder and press the Delete key on your keyboard. Do this for all items. Or, you can simply move the items to some other temporary folder using Win95’s cut and paste. This does not remove the programs from your computer; it just removes the shortcuts for those programs from the StartUp Folder. These shortcuts can always be recreated and moved back into the StartUp folder if you want.

4. Reboot your computer.

 

Press CTRL + ALT + DEL to check for any programs that are left. If you still have programs listed, do the following:

 

In Win.Ini File:

1. Click Start button, click Run, type SYSEDIT, click OK.

2. Click the C:\WINDOWS\WIN.INI tab.

3. Look near the top for a section called [Windows]. In that section, look for the load= and run= lines. If those lines are empty, just close the System Configuration window. If there is anything in those lines, put a semi-colon in front of the line, so it would look like this:

;run=c:\etc

;load=c:\etc

 

This will prevent the programs reference here from loading at startup; if you remove the semi-colon, the programs will again load at startup.

 

In the Windows Registry:

1. Click Start button, click Run, type RegEdit, click OK, to open the Registry Editor.

2. Click HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE, then SOFTWARE, then Microsoft, then Windows\CurrentVersion, then RUN.

3. In the right window pane, you will find programs that load when Win 95 starts. Right click your mouse on the one you wish to turn off at startup, click Delete.

4. Close the Registry Editor.

 

How To Make a Squackle Gang

Note: Don’t actually do this, please.

1. Get a bunch of your friends and people that would like to join your gang that you don’t hate, and drop out of school. Or go to school and make your school your gang’s territory.

2. Name your gang from this list, and choose a theme:
Name:

  • The Cazzys
  • Foo Foo Tinas
  • The Tutu Posse
  • Mean Clowns that Bark
  • The Crazy Kitties
  • The Counts of Monte Cristo
  • The Vampire Squad
  • The CraZys (notice the misspelling)
  • The Miss Pellers
  • The Hotties
  • The Coldies
  • The Assrammers
  • The Spider
  • Las Silla Locas (The Crazy Chairs)
  • The Guys that Follow You Home
  • The Second of Man
  • Summer Time
  • Waugh
  • The Super Marios
  • The Crown Jewels
  • The Homeless
  • We Breathe
  • Tarzan RULES
  • Metallicats
  • The Swat Katz
  • Allison Chains
  • The Bud Light Buddies
  • The Treks
  • The Reservation (only allowed to be a Native American-themed gang)

Theme:

  • Gay – everyone has man sex, no women allowed
  • Lesbian – everyone has hot steamy woman sex, no men allowed
  • Arrogant – everyone thinks they’re better than everyone else. If you get 2 of them in the same neighborhood, watch out!
  • Latino – everyone talks with a latino accent, and they listen to music made by WCW wrestlers who can’t get a job at the WWF/WWE.
  • Black – everyone talks in Ebonics, listens to rap, watches BET only (with the occasional dash of CNN, just to see what the white man is saying about the black man), and never visits Squackle
  • White – everyone is white, and sometimes includes albinos. Squackle is a recently visited web site, mostly among the Western Europeans. Usually does not include Eastern Europeans, unless they’re Americanized. Can be broken down into NRA (mostly Americans), Mafia (mostly Italians), and others.
  • Soviet – everyone is mainly Eastern European, Russian, or just can’t be considered black or purely white.
  • Arab – everyone listens to Arab music, and they usually kill everyone that doesn’t have heritage from a country that doesn’t have endless deserts, huge oil deposits, and blistering heat. (which is pretty much everywhere except Southern California)
  • Albino Black Guy – everyone is an albino or an albino black guy. You won’t see them out during the day.
  • Cheerleader – everyone is a hot cheerleader. Watch out for their sexy ass shakes and pom poms. They’ll fuck you then stab you in the back. Either way they fuck you, I guess. They usually only listen to the popular music at the time, and hate anything older than a month, including music they used to like.
  • Ugly Cheerleader – usually known as the Color Guard, these girls couldn’t get into the Cheerleading squad, so they had to go to the second level — Color Guard. Everyone is either ugly or moderately good looking. They listen to the popular music at the time, and usually don’t hate music they used to like. They say everything else just “isn’t their flavor.”
  • Suicidal Teenager – everyone is a suicidal teenager. Watch out for these suckers, cause when they snap…they kill themselves. They usually listen to intelligent music like Mozart, Beethoven, or Slayer
  • Agent Smith – everyone is Agent Smith. Wouldn’t actually be a reality, unless this were actually the Matrix and Agent Smith took over lots of people’s bodies and made his own gang for fun. Everyone would have the same hair cut and the same suit. They would all talk in unison or an echo-like type of speech, so it would be in a wave that you hear anything. Kind of weird. They’re a hive mind or whatever so they can do that kind of weird shit. If you don’t know who Agent Smith is, watch a Matrix movie.
  • The Military – a government regulated gang, where they’re gonna make you think Hell is an amusement park with the training they give you. The Military can do whatever they damn well please, because in a sense, they rule the country.
  • The Militia – a group of commonfolk from a certain town that get together on the weekends and shoot at trees and deer. They don’t really do anything that helpful, except waste trees and buy bullets from K-Mart.
  • Heavy Metal – this gang doesn’t do anything but sit on mattresses in a basement, listening to heavy metal from the 80s and 90s (possibly some from later years), and beat the shit out of anyone who thinks their music sucks. They usually have long hair or really short hair. Usually have tattoos, and most of them play an instrument like a guitar, bass, drums or an accordian. Some even play a triangle (those guys are bad mother fuckers)
  • Soccer Mom – these bitches never shut the fuck up. When they invade other territories, they bring their endless lines of minivans with soccer team after soccer team in each minivan. These soccer teams will beat the shit out of you if they believe they can get a Capri-Sun after doing so. Stupid manipulative soccer mom bitches.
  • Internet Geeks – these people never leave their chairs, and its amazing how most of them aren’t fat. Rather than being an “IRL” (also known as “In Real Life”) Gang, they are moreover an online-sort of gang, and hack into other people’s computers either for pleasure or to find porn because their parents put a Cyber Cop program on their computer so they can’t go to any porn sites, so they have to get it by hacking other people’s computers.
  • Demon – spawns of Hell or humans possessed by the Devil. These guys usually listen to Anti-Christ music and promote abortion, just so they can piss off the Anti-Abortionist Radical Christian Fucks.
  • Anti-Abortionist Radical Christian Fucks – these stupid fuckers bomb abortion clinics and would wish for nothing but having every teenager’s penis cut off, as well as everyone who has one that has sex more than 1 time and is unsuccessful at impregnation.
  • Trekkies – everyone is a Star Trek fan. These idiots can’t face reality, so they usually fight their gang fights with their photon laser weapons that haven’t been invented yet, so they have to make their own sound effects
  • Native American – a Native American gang whose motto is “we’re still here.”  They harp on about the “Native Era” when the Native Americans ruled all of America before the white man came and had sex with their antelopes.

3. Now that you have your gang name, you have to name you and your friends. Pick names from this list:

  • Foyf – short for Fart On Your Face
  • Spoyc – short for Spit Poop On Your Chair
  • Dip – short for Dingo In Propulsion
  • Dop – short for Donkeys on Parade
  • Boink – short for Big Orange Industrial Noogie Kaka
  • Fnb – short for Freaky Nugget Boy
  • Brig – short for Bunny Rump In Ginger
  • Gog – short for Goofy On Goo
  • Li,ne (pronounced Line) – short for Lick Iguanas, Naughty Elf
  • Cwafa – short for Crab With a French Accent
  • Yagoga – short for Yellow Antelopes Go Over Green Apples
  • Smit – short for Smelly Monkeys in Tents

4. Get some guns, bazookas, knives and boxes full of beanie babies, and gloves. You have to wear the gloves at all times, it covers your fingerprints. Recruit all the guys you can, to make your gang big, and a problem.

5. Now, go to any street not named Percy or Pansy. Hold that street like it was your home, because now it is!

6. For practice, stab the beanie babies you got in the boxes with your knives, shoot them with your guns, and beat them down with large, painful looking sticks.

7. Just in case cops come, take out the magazine of real bullets in your gun and put in a magazine of blanks and say, “You were only practicing your aim with blank bullets.” If the cop doesn’t believe you, start whacking the guy with those sticks that you got and use your fancy knifing work. Take his body out into an alley and dump him in a trash can. No one will find him until next trash day, and by then all the evidence will be shat on by cats (if you were stupid enough to leave any), so it won’t matter.

8. If any other gang tries to invade your territory, do what comes to mind…KILL’EM! And then after you kill them all, take over their territory, and then adopt all the dead gang member’s moms and dads, so they can give you pasta every Sunday.

9. Once a territory that you hold has been in your gang’s possession for a long time, make it a state. It is reccomended that you register this new mini-state with the U.S. Government, so that you’ll have exclusive rights over the acquired state, but they’ll probably just send the Army after you, then you’ll really be fucked. So, you probably shouldn’t do that.

10. Live, and make sure your fellow gang members do too.

 

How To Be a Squackle Hobo

1. Lose or get kicked out of your house, or don’t. Its more authentic and makes you look more believable that you are homeless. Make sure you have a few sets of your favorite run-down and smelly clothing with you to change into.

2. Get lots of cardboard and a pack of markers that are all black

3. Jog to your nearest freeway enterance or exit, highly populated area where there are lots of people willing to spend money, or right outside a McDonalds, with your supplies.

4. Write some stuff on the cardboard from this list:

  • Will work for smoothies
  • FART! Give me money!
  • A penny for my thoughts?
  • Can i go home with you?
  • Help! I can’t read or write!
  • Don’t you feel sorry for me?
  • MONEY!
  • Donations right here!
  • Oh no!!! BSB are coming to town! Give me money so I can get out of this cursed land!
  • Burp!
  • AOL got me here!
  • Just toss anything, that I can use at me, please!
  • Hell – why lie? I need a drink

5. Hold up your signs so people can see you and feel sorry for you and probably give you money or anything else they feel like giving you. WARNING: This may include a few gun shots in the leg, so have a first aid kit, and make a new sign saying “i was shot in the leg! help me! give me money!”

6. If another hobo is there, move to another location, it would just be mean if you were there too, taking his customers…unless he invites you to stay.

7. If possible, borrow or buy a dog or cat and have it with you at all times. People will feel sorry for you more if you have a pet.

8. Do not drink a Starbucks or have anything really expensive looking with you while you’re on the job, people will think you’re fine and not give you money, or think your fine and steal everything you got from you. You should get things from McDonalds only, Who wouldn’t feel sorry for you then?

11. In just a few decades, you’ll be rich! Keep waving those signs, you Squackle Hobos!

 

How to Make a DVD

davepoobond: I’ve been through a lot of shit, trying to figure out what I am supposed to do to make a DVD and how I can make a DVD full of movies that me and my friends have made. This is what I have to tell you through my experience

 


1. To have interactive menus, you should have a DVD authoring program, such as Sonic MyDVD, or Ulead MovieFactory. They convert your files into MPEG 2 for you, which is the format you must convert your movie files into, so you can burn it onto DVDs, so they play in most DVD players. Anyway, don’t encode your movies into mpeg 2 using those programs, because you’ll only be able to fit maybe 2 hours or less of footage on there (you won’t be able to change the quality of the video either). If you want 3 or more, then you should get a separate program that converts avi files to MPEG 2. I suggest that you get TMPGEnc Plus (for the encoding), which is a great program. I’ve
downloaded several others, and this is the only one that is free (for 30 days at least), works fast, and best of all has no watermark. You can get it at

www.tmpgenc.com

 

2. Once you get all your files into avi format, put them through TMPGenc, as according to this guide on www.dvdrhelp.com (which is an absolutely faaaaabulous website for anything DVD, VCD, or SVCD related. Its got an enormous amount of information for this kind of stuff)

 

http://www.dvdrhelp.com/tmpgencdvd.htm

 

but instead of having 1:1 VGA, I put 4:3 display. I don’t know if it makes a difference on the TV, but the 4:3 display makes the black bars smaller (as opposed to the 1:1 VGA). The only thing that it affects is when you view the mpeg 2 files themselves (not from the DVD), on the computer. If you’re
going to want to see your movies on your computer at all, you should make it 1:1 VGA then.

 

3. Once you get it all into MPEG 2, put it into your DVD authoring program, you’ll be able to pack a lot more movie time into it, as opposed to if you did it with just the DVD authoring program. I used the TMPGEnc DVD Author program (at the same link above). Also, all this information took me 2 months
to gather, because its hell trying to find a free AVI to MPG2 program without a watermark that you can use for an unlimited amount of video time. Most have a watermark or have it only for 1 minute or 5 minutes or something for maximum conversion time. It’s the goy.