Joke #21019: Second Grade Sex-Ed

In a second grade sex-ed class, a little girl raised her hand to ask a question…

Little girl: Teacher, can my mommy get pregnant?

Teacher: How old is she?

Little girl: Forty

Teacher: Yes, she can get pregnant.

Little girl: Teacher, can my big sister get pregnant?

Teacher: Well, how old is she?

Little girl: Nineteen.

Teacher: Yes, she certainly can get pregnant.

Little girl: Teacher, can I get pregnant?

Teacher: Umm…how old are you?

Little girl: Seven and two quarters

Teacher: No, you cannot get pregnant.

Little boy sitting behind Little girl (nudging her): See, I told you we had nothing to worry about. (He sticks out his tongue.)


Joke #18709

Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank.

Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, “I’m sorry about not speaking more clearly. I’ve had Novocaine.”

“You should have used the drive-through,” she said.


“Everyone who goes through sounds like you,” she explained.


Joke #18707

A couple went to pay a visit to another couple, unannounced.   The wife answered the door. “Come in,” she said.

The other couple came in, sat down, then asked, “So, where’s Jack?”

“Oh,” replied his wife, “he’s in the bathroom, grouting and spackling.”

“Oh, dear,” said the other lady, “I had that once and didn’t get over it for two weeks.”


Joke #18681

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful…CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful…CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you what it feels like to have you sitting next to me when I’m driving.”


Joke #18669

A small display at the fish hatchery where I work describes a now-extinct fish called the Michigan Grayling. Last summer, I had the following conversation with a tourist…

“Is the Grayling still extinct?”

“Yes, sir,” I replied, “it no longer exists.”

“Any thought of bringing it back?”

“I don’t think that’s possible.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s extinct.”


Joke #18664

Our daughter Wendy stayed home to housesit while my wife and I went away for our anniversary. As she was eating dinner, the phone rang. It was a telemarketer.

Wendy: “Hello?”

Telemarketer: “Good evening. May I speak to Mr. Gallamore?”

Wendy: “I’m sorry, but he’s out of town celebrating his wedding anniversary.”

Telemarketer: “Oh, I understand. Well, then, may I please speak to Mrs. Gallamore?”


Joke #18663

Rummaging through her attic one day, my friend Kathryn found an old shotgun. Unsure how to dispose of it, she called her parents.

“Take it to the police station,” her mother suggested. My friend was about to hang up when her mom added….

“And, Kathryn?”

“Yes, mom?”

“Call them first and let them know you’re coming.”


Joke #18649

Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city.

One asked the other, “Your son go back to college yet?”

“Two days ago.”

“Hm. Mine’s a senior this year, so it’s almost over. In May, he’ll be an engineer.”

“What’s your boy going to be when he gets out of college?”

“At the rate he’s going, I’d say he’ll be about thirty.”

“No, I mean what’s he taking in college?”

“He’s taking every penny I make.”

“Doesn’t he burn the midnight oil enough?”

“He doesn’t get in early enough to burn the midnight oil.”

“Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?”

“Sure has! It’s totally cured his mother of bragging about him!”