Squackle.com! The Funniest Site on the Net

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Tags: DBC News

*Reggie walks into the store and sniffs loudly*

Reggie: Ah, smells like shit!

*he walks over to the counter and dusts it off, then rings the bell*

Reggie: Pet Park, open for business!

*a man walks in*

Man: Is this Pet Park?

Reggie: Yes sir!

Man: Thanks, I’ll know not to come back to this building.

*he walks out*

Reggie: That sucked.

*he walks over to a snake cage and taps it with his finger*

Reggie: What’s up, Snakey?

*cut to stock footage of a giraffe running through a field*

Reggie: Aww..how cute.

*the man walks back in*

Man: I’ll take it!

Reggie: Hell yeah, get ready for mush hour!

*he puts on a beanie and starts moonwalking to “Beat It” by Michael Jackson*

Man: Hurry it up, I haven’t got all day.

*cut to Reggie and the man standing at the counter, Reggie hands him a baggy*

Reggie: One snakey to go, sir!

*the man takes it*

Man: What fine service! Have a great day.

*they both smile and the man starts to walk away. Reggie pulls out a shotgun and blows the man’s head off, blood and pieces of his skull go everywhere*

Reggie: No one takes Snakey! Time to call it a day.

*a guy walks in*

Reggie: Kitchen’s closed.

*he shoots the guy in the face and kicks his head as he falls over. he looks into the camera*

Reggie: Cleanup on aisle five!

*he smiles as an airhorn sound effect blares. cut to him getting in his car, as he drives down the street a generic rock tune plays loudly. he finally gets to his home and skids sideways in the driveway*

Reggie: Home sweet home!

*cut to him walking in and hanging up his hat, he walks over to a computer and sits down*

Reggie: Time to do some graphic designin’!

*the screen on the computer comes on and a digitized voice can be heard*

Voice: Welcome fag! Where would you like to go?

Reggie: The internet super highway, please, and step on it! Vroom vroom!

*He puts his hands up in front of him as if holding a steering wheel*

Reggie: Eeeeeeeergh! Pit stop! Ha ha.

*An error message pops up on the screen with a loud buzz sound*

Reggie: What the FUCK!?

Computer: I am MONITOR, FEEL MY HORNS!

Reggie: You don’t have horns!

*Printer paper streams out of the printer and wraps around his neck*

Reggie: Auugh! Taaaaaaake this!

*He jumps up and side kicks the printer off of the desk, the paper releases*

Reggie: Mess with the best, die like the rest. Bitch.

*He spits on the printer*

Reggie: What am I going to do now??

*Cut to him opening a root beer, it spews all over him for various minutes, he keeps staring ahead as if nothing is going on, finally the bottle is empty*

Reggie: I’m going for a walk.

*Slide transition to him driving a beat up CRX down the wrong side of the road, there’s loud rap music playing and Reggie is wearing sunglasses*

Reggie: Outta my way, biatch!

*He puts it into fifth gear and speeds down the road. Pan over to a cop on the side of the road shaking his head, he turns on his siren and starts chasing Reggie*

Reggie: Son of a bitch!

*He pulls over as well as the policeman and the cop gets out. The cop walks up to his window and speaks:*

Cop: Do you have any idea how fast you were going?

Reggie: Probably ten over the dick limit, faggot.

Cop: What!?

Reggie: I said back off nigger, I’m havin’ a joint.

Cop: Get out of the car asshole, now!

Reggie: GET OUT OF MY LIFE!

*Reggie spins off and the cop gets into his car, the chase is on. Cut to Reggie driving*

Reggie: I gotta ditch this pig!

*He drives onto the sidewalk and hits a large group of people, all who fly in different directions*

Reggie: Class is dismissed, fuckface!

*Cut to an outhouse on the side of the road and zoom into it: there’s a man sitting on the can drinking a cup of Starbucks coffee. Cut back to the cop*

Cop: I got you now!

*Reggie powerslides in the middle of the road and the police car rams the outhouse, cut to the man inside: he spills his coffee all over himself and holds his face while he screams loudly. He looks up from his hands to reveal that his face is now just a skull with eyes, his jaw bone clacks up and down as he screams in horrible pain. Cut to Reggie who is now driving away from the crash with his eyes closed*

Reggie: OOOOOH YEAH!

*he opens his eyes and sees that there’s a red light ahead with stopped traffic*

Reggie: Shiiiiiiiiiiiit!

*He collides with the stopped truck and flies through the windshield, getting his head stuck in the back window of the truck*

Reggie: Just take me home!

Man driving: I ain’t a taxi!

*The man starts punching him in the face as hard as he can, finally one of his punches knocks him over the side of the truck. He lands on the hood of a car*

Reggie: Pit…stop…

*He glances through the windshield: it’s the man that wanted to buy Snakey with his head duct taped back together, he holds the bag up for Reggie to behold*

Reggie: Oh nooooooo!

*The car squeals off with him still on the hood. Reggie punches through the windshield and connects with the man’s nose*

Man: You broke my nose!

Reggie: No I didn’t!

Man: Close enough!

*The man pulls back the antenna and lets go, it flaps up and hits Reggie in the forehead with a loud thwack sound*

Reggie: Ow!

*Reggie tears out a headlight and smashes it against the man’s face, sparks shoot everywhere*

Man: OH MY GOD MY FACE IS ON FIRE!!

*Reggie grabs Snakey and the car suddenly comes to a stop, throwing Reggie and Snakey hundreds of feet. Reggie crashes through his door backwards and lays there for a moment, then gets up with a large moan*

Reggie: I think I pulled my g-string…

*He stumbles over to his computer desk and sits down, then puts the bag with Snakey to the side*

Computer voice: Welcome fag! Where would you like to go?

Reggie: Solitaire please

*He looks at the camera*

Reggie: And step on it!

*He gives a sly wink and a cartoon-like circle appears around his face with comical music, finally disappearing into darkness. Roll credits while the all Spanish version of the Macarena plays*

*After all the credits have rolled the camera cuts to a large drum. Suddenly Reggie pops through it and hoists out his hand*

Reggie: Ablee bleh bluh able That’s all, fags!

the end.

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Tags: Reggie Time

After attempting to set a new record by beating his meat to the same picture for 8 hours, Dave was rudely interrupted by an IM from a mysterious Ilovedavepoobondyesdavepoobondfromsquackleheissooooohot34@aol.com (appearently Ilovedavepoobondyesdavepoobondfromsquackleheissooooohot 1-33 were already taken) Dave was intrigued because he had never heard any appraise for squackle…ahem…suquakle before… all the “fan mail” was actually him incognito. Thier conversation went a little something like this

(note: ILDPBYDPBFSHISH34=Ilovedavepoobondyesdavepoobondfromsquackleheissooooohot34)

ILDPBYDPBFSHISH34: i love you

Davepoobond: brb, i just started beating it.

(approx. 36 seconds later)

Davepoobond: ok, done

ILDPBYDPBFSHISH34: Will you marry me?

Davepoobond: yeah, ok

(Davepoobond and ILDPBYDPBFSHISH34 get married via getmarriedtoatotalstrangerovertheinternet.net)

On next week’s episode!: Will Dave and his secret admirer meet? Will ILDPBYDPBFSHISH34 turn out to be a 4’3″ overweight slightly balding spanish speaking hill troll with a pair of wire frame glasses and a stutter? the answers to that and more….is yes.

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Tags: Daves of Our Lives

A three hour long slideshow of Kasio with his mouth open, doing various rapping and eating cheesecake begins while generic R&B tunes play softly. When it’s finally over, the camera zooms in on Kasio as the obviously fake audience applauds. Kasio is wearing a blue jersey with a red backwards baseball cap, he’s sitting behind a desk so use your imagination for what his pants look like, perhaps it’s a giant salmon clung to his dick.

 

Kasio: (Very loudly) Yo yo yoooooooooo!! Wassup in heeeeeea!?

 

He pretends to be doing wa-was on a turntable and moving his mouth in awkward positions for 15 minutes.

 

Kasio: Let’s welcome our first guest, Queen Latifaaaaaaaa-(continues for three minutes)aah!

 

Skanky pop music blasts through the speakers as Queen Latifah’s fat ass comes moo-mooing it’s way over to the chair beside Kasio’s desk.

 

Kasio: Yo wassup girl!?

 

They exchange a low five.

 

Queen Latifah: Well I outgrew my old dress so I had to get a new on-

 

Kasio: (Speaking loudly so the viewer can hear him over Queen Latifah) YEAH I HATE IT WHEN DAT HAPPENS, HAHAHEAH!!

 

The clapping machine coughs.

 

Queen Latifah: (Smiling and nodding) Yeah I like it when you do stuff like dat.

 

Kasio: (Loudly yet again) AHAW HAW! LET’S GET IT ON.

 

Kasio and Queen Latifah strip and start humping on the desk. There is complete silence apart from the moans and screams of the two as the camera slowly fades out…

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Tags: Kasios Krib

Dave was making the website for SUQUAKLE when suddenly the roof of stumpy’s house came off. It happened to be the Goddess of porno, completely naked and using a dildo as a magic wand. Goddess: ‘Dave! Why aren’t you beatin your shit? DON’T YOU LOVE LOOKING AT NAKED GIRLS ANYMORE? ” Dave: “Sure I do…it’s just Fred fucks me so well!” Goddess: “Oh I see…your gay! I have some gay porn for you!” Before Dave can say anything, she waves her magic Dildo and dave gets a bunch of porn e-mail advertising gay stuff. Dave: “NO BITCH! I AIN’T GAY! FRED IS A GIRL! AND A MIGHTY FINE ONE AT THAT!” Goddess: “Oh well…You may have her now, but when your single, loking at your penis and wishing some hot slut was on it, you’ll come back to me. Goodbye dave.” Dave: “Wait…did you take me off this gay porn e-mail spell?” Goddess: “Hmmm…nope. I hope you know Stumpy whacks off more times then the president of Russia.” She disappears. Dave ponders in thought when Stump comes rushing in. Stumpy: “DAVE! WTF!!! YOU BLEW YOUR LOAD SO HARD IT KNOCKED MY CEILING OFF?” Dave: “No stumpy, it was the porn goddess…” Stumpy: “….Right…I believe you.” A minute later Stumpy kicks his ass out of his house.

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Tags: Daves of Our Lives

(theme song)

Here’s a story

Of an ugly lady

Too bad this ho

Did not know

That her daughters were ugly

Here’s a story

Of a smelly man

Who you can’t stay

10 seconds with

or else you would suffocate and die

I wouldn’t wanna be his kids

Then One day this ugly lady met this smelly fellow

And they knew it was much more than a hunch

that this group of ugly people

would make a great ugly bunch

so they got married the next day

and thank God for that

now no one, has to marry those 2 ugly people now

THE UGLY BUUUNNCHH!!!

THE UGLY BUNCH

That’s the way we became the ugly bunch

THE UGLY BUNCH!

THE UGLY BUNCH!

Oh did we mention we had an ugly maid also?

(end of theme song, and the camera has a full face shot of Barfsha)

Barfsha: I’m sooo pretty

(Barfsha is brushing her hair)

Blan: Barfsha, how come you got all the good looks in the family?

Barfsha: because I got all the pretty genes

(Barfsha has a crooked nose, a warped lip, and more “beauty moles” than her actual skin)

Barfsha: I’m so yummy

Just Plain: hi, I’m underage

(Just Plain drinks beer)

Just Plain: its sooo good.

(Mom and Dad are having sex on the ceiling but crash through the roof onto the couch)

Dad: damn, did it again!

Made: Now I have to clean it up…

Too: ha, stupid maid

Very: shut up. Go eat my boogers

Too: only if unbelievably comes too

Unbelievable: suck it!

Made: ok!

(Made and Unbelievably go upstairs)

(a man comes out of a closet and launches a rocket at the camera)

(technical difficulties)

(end)

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Tags: The DPB Tag, The Ugly Bunch

Ho Ho Ho

 

Blitzen: hello everyone! Welcome to the first episode of The Reindeer Show, picked up by the greatest broadcasting station ever, SBC!

 

Comet: Only SBC would put this kind of crappy show with talking reindeer on!

 

Prancer: Yeah! And not only do we get to stay on during Christmas only, we get to stay on the air all year round

 

Comet: not like we’ve got anything else to do the whole year…before we were picked up by SBC, we were on public broadcasting in Santa’s Village only

 

Blitzen: but Santa hooked us up

 

Santa (laughing): ho ho ho!

 

Comet (blinks): right…lets show some clips from the public broadcasting before we got onto SBC!

 

(fade out)

(fade in, the camera is shaking)

 

Blitzen: Prancer, I can’t hold the camera

 

(you can see a fire next to the edge of the screen)

 

Prancer: give me that!

 

(Prancer tries to get it, but the camera falls into the fire, finally stopping to shake. You can see the reindeer behind the flames)

 

Prancer: great. Get Rudolph in here!

 

(the scene cuts to outside again, recording Rudolph trying to get the camera, putting his leg in, put pulling it out over and over)

 

Prancer: oh, just get it already!

 

(Prancer kicks Rudolph in the ass, and Rudolph launches into the fire, and the gate on the fireplace locks shut)

 

Prancer: ehh….oops?

 

(fade out)

 

Donner: that tape cracks me up

 

Blitzen: how nice of you to join us, Donner

 

Donner: yes it is, isn’t it

 

Prancer: where’s the other guys?

 

Donner: um…staying away until the author can remember their names

 

Prancer: oh…kay….

 

Blitzen: the hell does that mean?

 

Donner: excuse me?

 

(Vixen cartwheels into a stack of Chia Pets)

 

Vixen: chia pets!

 

Santa: ho ho ho!

 

Mrs. Claus: Santa said, “didn’t I tell you never to cartwheel into the Presents That No One Wants Anymore Even If They Are Free Pile?”

 

Vixen: look at all this crappy stuff!

 

Prancer: hey, you’re right! While we’re looking through this shit, here’s another clip. Its supposedly a ransom video we made…

 

(fade out)

(fade in, you see Rudolph tied on a chair and blindfolded)

 

Rudolph: hello? Anyone here??

 

(Vixen walks in front of the camera, in a ski mask)

 

Vixen: hello…SANTA. We’re revolting against you. I’m afraid Christmas just won’t be this year. We have all revolted…except goody-two-shoes Rudolph here

 

Rudolph: hello? Vixen, this isn’t funny!

 

(Donner walks over to Rudolph and punches him in the stomach)

 

Donner: quiet, you!

 

Rudolph: owwww….

 

Vixen: but! There is a way you CAN have Christmas this year. Increase out food supply and pay by 200%!

 

Donner: If you don’t, we’ll tear Rudolphs genitals off! Then there will be no more reindeer with red stupid nose thingys!

 

(a big rumble, and all of a sudden Santa somersaults from the ceiling, karate chopping Donner)

 

Vixen: oh crap! The elves ratted us out!!

 

(Santa launches into the air, kicking Vixen into the camera, and the scene becomes snowy)

(scene cuts back to Donner, looking through the toys)

 

Donner: alright! I found a Street Shark action figure! And a belt that says “suck me” on it!

 

(Donner puts the belt on and puts his front hooves on his hips)

 

Donner: I’m cool now!

 

Blitzen: you’re still a freak

 

Donner: what’d you say!?

 

(Donner jumps on Blitzen and they start punching each other)

(camera pans to Dasher)

 

Dasher: hey, here’s a funny clip

 

(fades out, and fades in to Dasher, sitting at a table, with various foods on it)

 

Dasher (speaking in a British accent): why, hello there, and welcome to Dasher’s Cooking Show. Today, we will learn a specialty dish, called “Bake-a-Rudolph”

 

(Dahser picks up a big pot and places it in front of him)

 

Dasher: first you get all this crap

 

(Dahser picks up a pile of Reindeer crap in a Ziploc bag)

 

Dasher: then, put it in here

 

(Dasher empties it into the pot)

 

Dasher: then you pee in it

 

(Dasher pees in it)

 

Dasher: then you put Rudolph in here, and voila, put it in the oven and listen to the screaming! For you convenience, we’ve already prepared this dish, its still in the oven right now

 

(Dasher opens the oven door, and Rudolph is swimming around in the pot)

 

Rudolph: Dasher! Get-me-out-of-hereeeee!!!

 

(Dasher closes the oven door, turns around to look at the camera, and shrugs)

 

Dasher: well, seems like its not done yet. See you next time!

 

(fades out, and goes back to all the reindeer sitting in chairs, except Rudolph)

 

Blitzen: well, that’s all for today. Next time, we’ll probably do some more new mindless crap

 

Prancer: we would like to assure you that Rudolph is still alive (unfortunately), but he couldn’t join us today, because we cuffed him to the North Pole

 

(all the reindeer wave)

 

Everyone: good bye!

 

(end)

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Tags: The DPB Tag, The Reindeer Show

(a bad remake of the I Love Lucy them song plays, making it sound gayer than it regularly does)

(Barney, the purple dinosaur prances out on stage with a microphone)

(audience is clapping)

 

Barney: duh huh! I’m Barney, the purple dinosaur, and this is the Barney Love Connection! Yaay!!

 

(audience cheers loudly)

 

Barney: This is the show where we give losers that can’t find a date or get any at all, the choice to go out with 3 lovely people, or do 1 alternative choice which could range from anything to nothing!

 

(audience cheers)

 

Barney: now let’s welcome our first loser: Mr. Dan Dan the Motorcycle Man!

 

(Dan Dan rides in on a tricycle sitting down on a heart shaped couch next to Barney)

 

Barney: Dan Dan, we’ve got a spectacular line up for you today. 1st, lets go to the women for you!

 

(a shadowy figure appears in each of three boxes to the right of a bigger screen)

(the first of the 3 boxes appears on the bigger screen, and an announcer starts talking)

 

Announcer: Betty Ba-doop is a brunette from South Alabama. She enjoys space walks, and vacuums. She’s really into guys that can be like a vacuum on her…

 

(the box fades away, and the second one comes up)

 

Announcer: Erin White-ass is a blonde woman from Northern New Jersey who enjoys to take long baths with men and drink radioactive water. She has a third boob, extra fun for every one…

 

(the box fades away, and the third one comes up)

 

Announcer: Stripper McGoog is a stripper at a local nudey bar. Stripper likes to be naked.

 

Barney: wow! I wish I were you, so I could pick #3! But! If you don’t like it…(along with the audience) TAKE the ALTERNATIVE CHOICE!!

 

(audience cheers)

 

Barney: Let’s show him his alternative choice!

 

Announcer: if you don’t like any of the women, here, you have to make out with…THIS CAN OF TOMATO PASTE!!!

 

(the camera zooms in and out on a can of tomato paste over and over)

 

audience: ewwww!

 

Dan Dan (rubbing his chin): hmmm…

 

Barney: what’s it gonna be, Dan Dan? Is it gonna be Betty Ba-doop, Erin White-ass or Stripper McGoog? OR the Alternative choice?? Let’s see what the audience says!

 

(everyone says something different)

(everyone quiets down)

 

Idiot: number 8!!

 

(everyone looks at Idiot like he’s an Idiot and then a sniper shoots him from the rafters)

 

Idiot: squash

 

(Idiot dies)

 

Dan Dan: hmm….

 

Barney: have you made up your mind!??

 

Dan Dan: yes! I pick #3!!

 

(annoying bells ring and lights flash)

 

Barney: congratulations! You picked Stripper McGoog! Let’s see her!

 

(Stripper’s face appears in the big square again, and is revealed showing a man in a wig, with a beard. He waves at Dan Dan, and blows him a kiss)

 

Dan Dan (faling out of his seat): ahhh!!!!

 

(Stripper McGoog walks out from behind the TV screen running over to Dan Dan getting on top of him. You can now see Stripper McGoog is wearing a yellow rubber kinda dress thingy and platform shoes)

 

Barney: wow! I bet you sure woulda wanted to have made-out with the tomato paste….hahahaha….

 

(Stripper McGoog kisses Dan Dan over and over as the camera pans out)

 

Barney: we’ll find out how the date went, and pair up another 2 losers next episode!

 

(crowd applauds as credits roll and music plays as it does too)

 

Announcer: The Barney Love Connection with your host Barney Dinosaur is brought to you in main part by SBC, because they don’t have any better shows to put on the air right now, and also Queer-ker Oatmeal!

 

(end)

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Tags: Barney, The Barney Love Connection, The DPB Tag

Dave is beatin his shit…then a knock on the door is heard. He opens the door and it’s Mr. T! Mr. T: “ASSHO!” Dave: “I KILL YOU!” They wrestle and dave kicks Mr. T’s ass. Then Dave is about to go beat his shit but another knock is heard. Dave opens the door and it’s Fred. Fred: “DAVE I MISSED YOU! LETS HAVE HOT SEX AT STUMPY’S HOUSE!” Dave: “Ok!” They go to Stumpy’s house and Dave knocks on the door. Stumpy opens the door….naked…..and says: “What the hell are you two doing here?” Dave kicks stumpy outside and Dave goes inside with Fred and they fuck all day long. After a long time Fred says: “Dave…did you finish the SUQUAKLE website?” Dave says: “No but i’ll dance right now.” So Dave starts dancing for no reason. Fred then says: “THATS IT DAVE I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN ASSHOLE!” She storms out of Stumpy’s house. Dave then goes to Stumpy’s computer and starts working on SUQUAKLE website. Suddenly a loud noise is heard and the roof of Stumpy’s house comes off!

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Tags: Daves of Our Lives

Dave….making the website at Stumpy’s house, is shocked when he hears Stumpy yell out: “OH MY GOD YOUR A MAN!” He runs into the room and he see’s Stumpy looking down and Fred laying naked on the bed. He immediatley see’s that Fred is a girl. Dave: “What are you talkin about? Fred is a girl!” Stumpy: “I wasn’t talkin about Fred! I WAS TALKIN ABOUT ME! SEE MY PENIS! ISN’T IT QUIET LARGE?” Dave: “Uh…..i’m going home….and holding back from killing you. Come on Fred, lets go.” Fred and Dave walk out of Stumpy’s house and walk home. They have hot hoooooot sex all night long. Dave has 20 orgasms that night. The next morning Fred wakes up to find out that Bubba is under the bed unconcious. Fred: “BUBBA! DAVE WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?” Dave: “He bothered me while i was beatin my shit…..and NOBODY bothers me and my penis during the hours of 12:00 AM to 12:00 PM….Eastern Standard time, that is….” Fred: “DAVE! I’M WALKIN OUT EVEN IF THAT WAS THE BEST SEX I EVER HAD! And I’m takin my drunken lover with with me…” Fred carries Bubba and they walk out. As soon as they walk out Dave goes on beatin his shit. The doorbell rings and Dave goes and opens it. It’s Mr. T with a brand new computer! Mr. T: “I pity the fool – ” Dave slams the door on Mr. T’s face right after he takes the computer. He then connects it and logs onto porn to beat his shit.

-~-

Tags: Daves of Our Lives

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)

 

Announcer: Today’s episode is…

Pumpin’ Back to School Part 5

 

(Mommy Manager walks in)

 

Mommy Manager: Girls, summer vacation is over, so that means our touring is over as well. You have to go back to school!

 

AshAsh: ah, great…

 

JayJay: yay!

 

FartFart: whoohoo!

 

KayKay: yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah!

 

Homey: can I go to school, too?

 

Mommy Manager: I…suppose

 

Homey: yay!

 

(camera zooms in on Homey)

(the camera scene turns black showing in white letters)

 

 

Homey

 

(along the way to school)

 

Homey (thinking): oh man, I don’t wanna go to school…what am I thinking? Oh yeah, there’s lots of LSD at school, I forgot…heh, silly me.

 

(KayKay blows bubbles in his face)

 

KayKay: Mr. Homey, why do you like school? I thought you were at lest 23

 

Homey: well, I am. I never graduated though. I got hooked onto LSD…

 

(Homey props his legs up on AshAsh’s head)

 

Homey: And I’ve been riding the SOOOOOOOUL TRAIN ever since

 

KayKay: what’s that?

 

Homey (looks out the window, ignoring KayKay): hey, look at that! a tree!

 

KayKay: you’re mean!

 

Homey: yes, I know

 

AshAsh: get your feet off my head!

 

(AshAsh grabs a handful of Homey’s leg hairs)

 

Homey: owwwwww!

 

Mommy Manager: we’re here!

 

Homey: finally…

 

(The Pump Girls leave, except Homey)

(Homey makes his way out, but Mommy Manager holds him by the shirt)

 

Mommy Manager: listen carefully. If I have to come pick you up for doing something illegal, don’t bother calling!

 

Homey: umm….k

 

(Homey jumps out of the van as it zooms away, rolling on the floor

 

Homey: oh…k…my next class is…Mrs. Stickums…

 

(Homey walks into the school, going to Mrs. Stickums’s room)

(elmoisfurry and davepoobond walks towards the class as well, and see Homey go in the room)

 

davepoobond: the hell? That guy smells..

 

(elmoisfurry shrugs)

(they walk into Mrs. Stickums’s room)

(Homey sits down in Mrs. Stickums’s chair, not knowing its hers)

 

Mrs. Stikcums (screaming): WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY CHAIR!? GET OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!

 

Homey: ah! Ok!

 

(Homey gets out of the chair, accidentally bumping a rock that has “patience” chiseled in it onto the floor)

 

Mrs. Stickums (sreaming): DON’T TOUCH MY PATIENCE ROCK!!

 

(Homey shrivels up into a fetal position, crying)

 

Homey: leave me alone…

 

Mrs. Stickums: ok, class, today I will teach you about drugs

 

Homey (stops crying): drugs? All riiight!

 

Mrs. Stickums: open your books to page 420 and start reading, while I sit in front of the room eating large amounts of sugary lollipops and making myself evermore the fat bitch, not actually being a teacher

 

Homey: do we get to sample the drugs?

 

Mrs. Stickums (raising her fist): I’ll let you sample a little of this!

 

Homey: what is that?

 

Mrs. Stickums: my fist!

 

Homey: what about it?

 

(Mrs. Stickums punches Homey, and he flies through the roof, landing on the roof)

 

Homey: owww…that fat bitch…

 

(Homey gets dizzy and passes out)

(Homey wakes up a little later, next to a naked person)

 

Homey: AH! YUCK!

 

(Homey grabs the person and tosses her off, into a crowd of people. The crowd of people look up after a few minutes)

 

Crowd of people: murderer!

 

Homey: ah crap.

 

(next thing Homey knew, he was in jail)

(25 people are sitting around lifting waits and junk)

 

Homey: hey, how’s it going? Where is this?

 

Tiny: this is the Golden State Penitentiary, and its Story Time. So you better tell us a pretty good friggin story if you wanna stay alive

 

(Homey tells the story of the day)

(after Homey tells his story, everyone is crying)

 

Tiny: did she REALLY tear off all that leg hair?

 

Homey: yeah, look!

 

(Homey points to a bald spot on his leg)

 

Tiny: man, if I ever see her, I’m gonna kill her)

 

(AshAsh is thrown into the same cell as them)

 

Homey: the hell? Yo boys, AshAsh is here, remember, its her?

 

Tiny: oh yeah. Lets kill her!

 

(25 people run at AshAsh, punching her into the ground endlessly and kicking her too)

(Homey just watches)

(Homey checks his pockets, and gets a little eye dropper out, waving it around)

 

Homey: hey guys, lets have an LSD party!

 

25 people: yeah!

 

(just then, a guard smacks Homey in the head with a nightstick, knocking him out)

(end)

-~-

Tags: The DPB Tag, The Pump Girls

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)

 

Announcer: Today’s episode is…

Pumpin’ Back to School Part 4

 

(Mommy Manager walks in)

 

Mommy Manager: Girls, summer vacation is over, so that means our touring is over as well. You have to go back to school!

 

AshAsh: ah, great…

 

JayJay: yay!

 

FartFart: whoohoo!

 

KayKay: yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah!

 

Homey: can I go to school, too?

 

Mommy Manager: I…suppose

 

Homey: yay!

 

(camera zooms in on FartFart)

(the camera scene turns black showing in white letters)

 

 

FartFart

 

Mommy Manager: bye, Fart Fart

 

FartFart: ::fart:: bye!

 

(PeePee and PooPoo come along and walk around with FartFart)

 

PeePee: ::pee:: Hey, FartFart

 

FartFart: ::fart:: hi

 

PooPoo: ::poop:: what’s going on?

 

FartFart: ::fart:: nothin’ much

 

PooPoo: ::poop:: oh, that’s nice. Wanna do something cool?

 

FartFart: ::fart:: oh…k…

 

PeePee: ::pee:: fart the biggest fart ever and aim yourself at the gym

 

FartFart: ::fart:: ok!

 

(FartFart aims herself towards the gym and farts really loudly, propelling her into the air, flying towards the gym)

 

FartFart: wow! I’m flyingggg

 

(FartFart smacks into the gym’s wall and it collapses, with FartFart in the middle of the destruction)

(FartFart faints after she gives off another huge fart)

(end)

-~-

Tags: The DPB Tag, The Pump Girls

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)

 

Announcer: Today’s episode is…

Pumpin’ Back to School Part 3

 

(Mommy Manager walks in)

 

Mommy Manager: Girls, summer vacation is over, so that means our touring is over as well. You have to go back to school!

 

AshAsh: ah, great…

 

JayJay: yay!

 

FartFart: whoohoo!

 

KayKay: yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah!

 

Homey: can I go to school, too?

 

Mommy Manager: I…suppose

 

Homey: yay!

 

(camera zooms in on KayKay)

(the camera scene turns black showing in white letters)

 

 

KayKay

 

Mommy Manager: have a good-

 

KayKay (ripping off her clothes): FREEEEEEEDOOMMM!!

 

(KayKay runs into the school)

 

KayKay (thinking): they have some nice broom sticks in the Janitor’s Closet

 

(KayKay runs into the Janitor’s closet)

(Whoa, Crow, Foe, Moe, and Joe come in, too)

 

KayKay: what are you guys doing here?

 

Crow: umm…we wanna play “Get drunks so we can…do stuff” with you…

 

Joe: that’s it

 

KayKay: ok

 

(Foe hands KayKay a crack pipe and a bottle of LSD)

 

Foe: drink up

 

(KayKay gets “drunk” and falls over, seeing many hallucinations. She becomes delirious and doesn’t know what is happening any more)

(she stays like that until she goes back to the hospital)

(end)

-~-

Tags: The DPB Tag, The Pump Girls

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)

 

Announcer: Today’s episode is…

Pumpin’ Back to School Part 2

 

(Mommy Manager walks in)

 

Mommy Manager: Girls, summer vacation is over, so that means our touring is over as well. You have to go back to school!

 

AshAsh: ah, great…

 

JayJay: yay!

 

FartFart: whoohoo!

 

KayKay: yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah!

 

Homey: can I go to school, too?

 

Mommy Manager: I…suppose

 

Homey: yay!

 

(camera zooms in on JayJay)

(the camera scene turns black showing in white letters)

 

JayJay

 

(JayJay walks towards the playground, she wants to play Dodge ball)

 

JayJay: hey, Guys! Can I play dodge ball too?

 

Guys: ok! DODGE!

 

(Guys throws the ball right at Jay Jay’s head)

(the ball hits her head, and she goes unconscious)

(when she wakes up, she’s naked, and on top of the school’s roof)

 

JayJay: AAAH!

 

(as JayJay was screaming, a big bird shit, and it fell into her mouth)

 

JayJay: ewww!

 

(JayJay tries to spit out what she can, but she swallowed the whole thing)

 

Homey: shut up!

 

(Homey grabs JayJay and lodges her off the roof, into a crowd of people, and she lands on the ground, hard)

 

JayJay: ouch…

 

crowd of people: ewwwwww!!

 

(the crowd of people start kicking JayJay, and she gets a concussion)

(end)

-~-

Tags: The DPB Tag, The Pump Girls

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)

 

Announcer: Today’s episode is…

Pumpin’ Back to School Part 1

 

(Mommy Manager walks in)

 

Mommy Manager: Girls, summer vacation is over, so that means our touring is over as well. You have to go back to school!

 

AshAsh: ah, great…

 

JayJay: yay!

 

FartFart: whoohoo!

 

KayKay: yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah!

 

Homey: can I go to school, too?

 

Mommy Manager: I…suppose

 

Homey: yay!

 

(camera zooms in on AshAsh)

(the camera scene turns black showing in white letters)

 

AshAsh

 

Mommy Manager: ok, AshAsh. Have a nice first day at school!

 

AshAsh: ok..::thinking:: boy it’ll be nice to hang around my REAL friends for a change…

 

(AshAsh walks toward the school)

(inside)

 

Joe: whoa! Crow? Foe? Moe!

 

Whoa: yehh babyy…back to school man! Yeeeehaw!

 

Moe: hey look over there!

 

(Moe points to AshAsh, entering the building)

 

Foe: that’s one of them Pump Girls ain’t it?

 

Moe: you bet your pants it is!

 

Joe: lets rape her!

 

Moe: nah man…that’s for the last day of school

 

Joe: oh yeah…

 

(Joe, Crow, Foe, Whoa and Moe go over to AshAsh, surrounding her so she can’t get away)

 

AshAsh: uhh…hey, guys…what’s…happening? ::thinking: gawd, I can’t believe I’m talking to the hottest guys in the school

 

Joe: we were wondering…

 

(KayKay all of a sudden runs by them, naked)

 

Moe: Whoa! What the hell? Look at that!

 

Whoa: Aaaah! Let’s go!

 

(Joe, Crow, Moe, Whoa and Foe chase after KayKay. She is giggling in a really high pitched voice and runs into a janitor’s closet)

(AshAsh sighs, and goes to her class)

 

Ms. E: hello, class, welcome to Algebra 1. Today is your first day of school!

 

(the class boos)

 

Ms. E: that’s why we’re having the test on Chapter 12, in 3 minutes. You have 3 minutes to figure out all the algebraic equations in the book!

 

(AshAsh just stares at the teacher)

 

Ms. E: What are YOU looking at Little Miss Missy. Get to work!!

 

AshAsh: My name is-

 

Ms. E: What did I tell you, Little Miss Missy? GO TO WORK OR YOU GO TO THE PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE!!

 

AshAsh: uhh

 

(suddenly a huge explosion occurs, and the gym collapses)

 

Class: whoa!

 

(the whole class rushes up to the window, looking at the gym)

 

Moné: wow! The gym blew up!

 

AshAsh: umm…yeah…

 

Ms. E: ok, back to class everyone

 

(a big fart is let loose from the gym)

(sirens are heard as they near the school’s gym)

 

Ms. E: CLASS! Since the gym blew up and you are all traumatized, I suppose we won’t have the test today. Oh, look at that. School is almost over. Goodbye everyone

 

(everyone leaves the classroom as the bell rings)

(Moné grabs AshAsh’s ass and winks at her, walking away. Moné is a girl)

 

AshAsh: ……..

 

(AshAsh walks out of the school and back to the hospital)

(a parole officer stops AshAsh)

 

Parole officer: What do you think you are doing? Its 2.37 seconds before school ends, what are you doing? Skipping class? That’s it Little Miss Missy, you’re going to jail!

 

(the Parole officer grabs AshAsh and shoves her into a police car)

 

AshAsh: ahhh!

 

(in prison)

 

Homey: the hell? Yo boys, AshAsh is here, remember, its her?

 

Tiny: oh yeah. Lets kill her!

 

(25 people run at AshAsh, punching her into the ground endlessly and kicking her too)

(Homey just watches)

(fade out, AshAsh goes unconcious)

(end)

-~-

Tags: The DPB Tag, The Pump Girls