Marmafluke, Where Are You?

(Marmafluke is a dog and speaks perfect English with a British accent and walks on two legs.  SLAGGY is Marmafluke’s best friend.  CRED, FELMA, and DAFTKNEE are his others.)

(Marmafluke sings the theme song in a Shakespearean manner:)

Marma-Marmafluke!
Where are you?
We’ve got some tea and crumpets
For you now…

Marma-Marmafluke!
Where are you?
We’ve got some weed
To do now!

We’ve got some mysteries to solve,
So, Marmafluke…
Be ready, you big ass
GREAT DANE
and don’t fucking be bisexual.

(A bunch of sweaty people run in and start freak dancing)

TITLE CARD: The Case of the Spiral Notebook

SLAGGY (voice over)
Today, Marmafluke meets Sonny and Cher!

(Fade out.  Fade in with Marmafluke and Slaggy drinking tea and eating crumpets.)

SLAGGY
So I says to Looby, “Let’s make like a spider and BUG OUTTA HERE!”

(Slaggy starts laughing hysterically.)
(Marmafluke is sitting with his legs crossed and he takes a sip of tea, seemingly unamused)

MARMAFLUKE
Hmm… yes… humorous…

(Marmafluke looks to the right, not laughing at all)
(Audience laughs, and as they drown out, you can hear one of them scream something)

AUDIENCE MEMBER 426
Marmafluke has a massive dong!

MARMAFLUKE
Now, that is totally uncalled for!

SLAGGY
He’s right, though, it’s almost touching the floor.

(Marmafluke throws his tea to the floor and dumps his tray of crumpets on Slaggy gathering up his dog dong, hiding it in his lap)

MARMAFLUKE
Well, it’s not my fault…!

(Marmafluke glares at the camera)

MARMAFLUKE
Can’t you go SOMEWHERE ELSE!?

(Scene cuts to DAFTKNEE and FELMA digging in the ground.  They’re really dirty and sweaty.  Their boobs are knocking around and its pretty hot, actually, both literally and figuratively.)
(CRED is sitting on a chair drinking some lemonade under an umbrella)

DAFTKNEE
CRED!  Why are WE doing all the work?

FELMA
Cred, this isn’t very fair.

CRED
My ascot is on too tight.  You know I can’t shovel out
large amount of dirt, because I’ll pass out.

(The real reason is that Cred is looking at Daftknee and Felma’s bodily features and measuring them mentally… he was way off, though)
(Cred writes something in his notebook, saying it quietly aloud, as well)

CRED
Felma — Double D…

FELMA
WHAT!?!?

CRED
Oh!  Nothing!

(Fred closes his notebook)
(The scene cuts to a bathroom door, and there’s some grunting sounds in there)
(Slaggy is waiting next to the door, and looks at his wrist, as if there was a watch there, but there isn’t.)

SLAGGY
Come on, Marmafluke!
You’ve been in there for at least half an hour!
Looby never would make me wait
outside when he does his business.

(Little did he know, Looby’s business was jacking off)

(There’s a zipping sound behind the door, and Marmafluke walks outside wearing pants and shoes.  There’s a huge lump and a line trailing down his right pant leg.)

MARMAFLUKE
Well, now that certain piece of indecency has
been taken care of, shall we check on the other 3?

(cut to Cred, Daftknee, and Felma)

DEFTKNEE
I’m too tired to dig anymore.

CRED
Just think of what Looby would say if
he knew you were giving up on him.

(the camera cuts to a tombstone that reads:)

Here Lies Looby,
Not one brand, but three killed him.

(the camera cuts again and Felma is dragging Looby’s dead body toward the hole)

FELMA
I think it’s deep enough Deftknee.

(Felma lobs Looby into the grave and it lands on Daftknee)

DAFTKNEE
Oh shit!

(Daftknee falls down and Looby is on top of her.  3 types of lubricant drained/evacuated from Looby’s orifices.  Some is draining out of his nose, too.  It was a gruesome death for poor Looby)
(Daftknee is squealing like a pig under Looby)
(in the next spot, Cher is in front of Sonny’s grave)

CHER
Would you mind keeping it down in there?
Aren’t you — DO YOU BELIEVE — supposed to be
dead when you’re — IN LOVE!!? — in a grave??

FELMA
Wow!  It’s Sonny and Cher!

CHER
Sonny is dead.

CRED
That’s funny Cher, we all know that isn’t true.

CHER
I don’t know — DO YOU BELIEVE! – what you’re talking about.

(Cut to Slaggy and Marmafluke walking toward The History Machine)

MARMAFLUKE
I think I’ll drive, you had a little too much…
green tea…

(Slaggy is smoking a joint)

SLAGGY
I really have no idea what you’re talking about.
It was only 5 cups!

MARMAFLUKE
Right… shall we?

(Slaggy and Marmafluke drive over to the cemetery)

CHER
SUNNY IS — IN LOVE! — DEAD!!

FELMA
Sunny is in love?

CHER
NO!  He’s in the — AFTER LIFE!!

DAFTKNEE

(Daftknee is somehow out of the grave and finished shoveling the dirt into the grave)

MARMAFLUKE
Ah, I see you’ve finished unceremoniously burying my brother.

DAFTKNEE
Rest in piece, you piece of shit.

(Daftknee spits on his grave, but due to a sudden jet stream it lands on Sonny’s grave)

CHER
You — DO YOU BELIEVE! — BITCH!!!

(Cher and Daftknee get into a cat fight)

CRED
Oh baby!

(Cred writes into his notebook)

CRED (mouthing quietly)
Daftknee — purple underwear…

(Daftknee and Cher stop fighting for a second)

DAFTKNEE
WHAT the HELL!?

(Daftknee gets slapped hard, and she starts fighting with Cher again)
(Meanwhile, the spit on Sunny’s grave starts glowing)

MARMAFLUKE
My God!  You didn’t spit on a dead man’s grave, did you!?

DAFTKNEE
So what if I did!?

(Sonny pops out of the grave)

SONNY
Hey guys!  I’m alive!

MARMAFLUKE
Bloody hell!  A ZOMBIE!!

(Everyone screams then runs away.  Cred drops his notebook, and Marmafluke happens to trip over it.  Marmafluke grabs the notebook and runs away again)

SONNY
Where’d everybody go?  Hey, wait!

(Stupid music plays as Sonny is chasing everyone around, and somehow they’re in a place with millions of doors and are going in one and coming out the other over and over.  A few times, two of them come out of different doors, etc etc)
(Daftknee and Marmafluke find a closet)

MARMAFLUKE
Daftknee!  Look what I found!

(Daftknee takes the book from Marmafluke and opens it)

DAFTKNEE
This is Cred’s!  I wonder what he was writing in here…

(The notebook stated the following:)

DAFTKNEE
C-cup
Purple underwear
10 inch-wide ass

FELMA
DD-cup
No underwear
Nice skirt
Allows anal sex

MY MOM
Experienced
Can have threesome w/Slaggy
Gives good BJs

MARMAFLUKE
British accent (hot!)
Extremely large dong

(Daftknee and Marmafluke look at each other after reading it)

DAFTKNEE
Oh my God!  That PERV!
He didn’t even get any of this information right!
I am TOTALLY into anal sex.

(Daftknee looks weird at Marmafluke)

MARMAFLUKE
Well, I can’t help it if I’m the object of everyone’s desire…

(Daftknee eyes Marmafluke’s pants)(Scene cuts to the castle with a million doors)
(Daftknee bursts out of a closet with a shotgun)

DAFTKNEE
Cred!  YOU’RE DEAD!

(Cred stops chasing Felma trying to grab her ass just as she runs into another door.  He looks over to Daftknee)

CRED
Oh, shit.  She found the notebook.

(Cred jumps into the air and runs away with Daftknee chasing after him)(Sonny and Cher have been making out the whole time.  Not by normal kissing, but Eskimo kissing.  Their noses are practically falling off)

CHER
I love — IN LOVE! — you.

(Then they both get shot from stray fire from Daftknee’s shotgun)
(Cred jumps on top of them and then jumps away, running again)

CHER
I’m going to the — AFTER LIFE!! — light!

SONNY
Me too, again…

MARMAFLUKE
Man, you wankers sure are annoying.

(End)

 

Forever Repressed: The True Meaning of Flag Day

Scene I
(Outside One Government Center, Downtown Toledo. Monday, 10 A. M., June 9th.)

(Mayor Jack Ford walks up to One Gov’t Center. Ugly Little Harvey sits outside:

Ugly Little Harvey: Mistah Mayah?

Mayor Jack Ford: Yes, little dude, what is it?

Ugly Little Harvey: Um, I have a question.

Mayor Jack Ford: Go for it, big fella.

Ugly Little Harvey: Ok… um… big fella?

Mayor Jack Ford: Yep.

Ugly Little Harvey: But… you said I was a little dude!

Mayor Jack Ford: You sure are!

Ugly Little Harvey: Yeah, ok. Anyways, I was wondering what the true meaning of Flag Day was?

Mayor Jack Ford: Of what?

Ugly Little Harvey: Flag Day.

Mayor Jack Ford: Hmm. (Pauses.) When is that?

Ugly Little Harvey: It’s this Saturday. June 14th.

Mayor Jack Ford: Isn’t that Bastille Day?

Ugly Little Harvey: No, that’s July 14th.

Mayor Jack Ford: Huh. (Walks in.)

Ugly Little Harvey: Stupid new mayor. At least Carty would have indulged me with a nonsensical explanation.

Scene II
(10:30 A. M. Ugly Little Harvey walks down Madison Ave and by an alley.

Voice: Psst. Kid.

Ugly Little Harvey: Um, who is it?

Voice: You have come to find the true meaning of Flag Day.

Ugly Little Harvey: Um, yes…

Voice: Come into the alley.

(Ugly Little Harvey timidly walks in.)

Fragrant Drifter: Kid, you have come in search for the meaning of Flag Day.

Ugly Little Harvey: Oh yes! I want to know what it means.

Fragrant Drifter: Then tell me this… can you guess what cologne I’m wearing?

Ugly Little Harvey: Um.. gosh mistah, I really don’t know.

Fragrant Drifter: Did you say “Tommy?”

Ugly Little Harvey: Um.. sure. That’s what I said.

Fragrant Drifter: Nope. It’s “About Eighty Car Fresheners” by Mr. Goodwrench.

Ugly Little Harvey: Ok, what does this have to do with Flag Day?

Fragrant Drifter: What’d you call me?

Ugly Little Harvey: Um, nothing?

Fragrant Drifter: That’s right nothing. Now, about Arbor Day

Ugly Little Harvey: NO! Flag Day!

Fragrant Drifter: Ah yes. I was told about this day as a kid. Frankly I think people have lost their way when it comes to this fine holiday.

Ugly Little Harvey: But mistah, what does it all mean?

Fragrant Drifter: Well, many people remember Flag Day as the day I lost my arms.

Ugly Little Harvey: But… mistah, your arms are right there.

Fragrant Drifter: That’s right. And I found them on Columbus Day.

Ugly Little Harvey: Observed?

Fragrant Drifter: Yeah, not only did I observe them, I picked them up and sewed them on myself.

Ugly Little Harvey: No, I meant Columbus Day.

Fragrant Drifter: What’s Columbus Day?

Ugly Little Harvey: You have the memory of John Madden. I’m leaving.

Fragrant Drifter: Ok, bring back some more car fresheners. And close the door! You’ll let all the heat out of my foyer!

Scene III
(Year 2093. Ugly Little Harvey is now an ugly old man, reminiscing on his past experiences with Flag Day.)

Ugly Little Harvey: BAH! What a fake holiday. Flag Day is too commercial these days. Ruined by Hallmark and Scary Movie 8. Flag Day brings up too many painful memories, just like Haley Joel Osment’s shooting spree or the Olsen’ twins eight marriages. I never trust holidays again. Especially not this one. The only one I enjoy is Bastille Day. Too bad France isn’t around anymore. They replaced it with a big Wal-Mart. I worked there once. In fact, I still work there, at the door. Good selection of berets. Well, my mailman, George W. Bush IV is here with my erotic literature.

(Ugly Little Harvey falls over, along with curtain.)

 

Forever Repressed: Zero Fluid Motions

Speed Racer: What a crappy day. I think I’ll go back inside. (Walks inside.)

Mr. Game & Watch: Hey bud, you’re walking like me.

Speed Racer: So?

Mr. Game & Watch: That’s my bit! That’s how I walk in Super Smash Bros. Melee!

(Mr. Game & Watch hits the B Button and flips bacon in Speed Racer’s face)

Speed Racer: Ouch! That’s greasy!

(Speed Racer gets in his Mach 5 car)

Speed Racer: IT’S ON!

(Meanwhile, in Hell…)

One-legged Squirrel: Another play with a car? I’ll sit this one out.

Satan: Hey, I’m not slave-driving you to talk.

(Meanwhile, back in the unspecified setting…)

Mr. Game & Watch: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry!

(Mr. Game & Watch turns red by hitting the Y button before the match.)

John Tesh: This calls for some quality fightin’ music. You two just get it on, and I’ll take care of the tunes.

(Speed Racer and Mr. Game & Watch stare one another down.)

Speed Racer: Are you ready?

Mr. Game & Watch: Let’s get this over with.

(Speed Racer runs over John Tesh. Mr. Game & Watch makes John Tesh fly off the screen with his smash hammer [B Button].)

Speed Racer: That felt good. Now, I must leave. I have a race.

Mr. Game & Watch: And I’m a guest on Carson Daly’s show.

 

Forever Repressed: Dog in My Way, Part I

Sophie: You haven’t given me a speaking part in over a year.

Sussman: I haven’t written in over a year.

Sophie: Bullshit. Pet me.

Sussman: Why would I want to do that?

Sophie: Either pet me or I urinate in your shoes.

Sussman: No way, those are my shoes! (Pets Sophie.)

Sophie: Yes, that’s right. That’s where the money is.

(Sussman stops petting Sophie.)

Sophie: What the hell?

Sussman: I want to watch TV.

Sophie: Keep petting me!

Sussman: No, I want to watch some TV.

Sophie: Fine, turn it to American Idol. I love watching that British judge, Simon, make fun of the bad singers.

Sussman: We’re not watching American Idol. We’re watching the NBA Playoffs.

Sophie: That sucks.

Sussman: You suck!

The 2002-03 Cleveland Cavaliers: We suck!

Sophie: Get your candy asses out of here. Come back when you draft LeBron James.

Sussman: That ain’t gonna happen. Memphis is gonna draft LeBron.

Sophie: You callin’ me a liar, bitch?

Sussman: No, I’m callin’ you a BITCH, LIAR!

Sophie: That’s it. Get down on your knees and rub my tummy!

Sussman: Ew, no. I don’t go on the floor. That’s where you live.

Sophie: Come down to my house so I can kick your pasty white ass!

Simon, the British judge: Sophie, I think you have what it takes to be the next order of Chinese food.

Sussman: Exactly as I thought. Take ’em away, Yao.

Yao Ming: (Bumps head on ceiling.)

(Note: No Cavaliers won any basketball games in the making of this film.)

 

Forever Repressed: Apocalypse Eventually

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: I’m tired. I think I’ll stop working.

Car Battery: Now I can retire. The best years are ahead of me! (Dies.)

Bob Hope: That’s why I’m not retiring.

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: I was driven around by a very hairy kid for three and a half years. Time to rest on the driveway and do nothing.

(Meanwhile…)

One-legged Squirrel: Life isn’t as great with just one leg.

One-legged Starfish: Well, you only lost one leg.

One-legged Squirrel: So?

One-legged Starfish: I lost four of mine to a jet ski.

One-legged Squirrel: Um… can’t you grow legs back?

One-legged Starfish: Yeah, but it’s hard. Plus I’m in a union.

One-legged Squirrel: Ahhh. So you let management worry about it.

One-legged Starfish: Basically. It’s great to be a well paid echinoderm.

One-legged Squirrel: Hey, my best girl is late. Where do you suppose she is?

Flattened Two-legged Female Squirrel: AACK!

One-legged Squirrel: Oh no, my girlfriend! She has two legs, but she’s flattened!

One-legged Starfish: That would make sense, given her name in the script.

One-legged Squirrel: I will not let you be forgotten! Someone must pay!

One-legged Starfish: Yeah, probably the car that ran her over.

One-legged Squirrel: Perhaps, but it’s faster than me, and it’s already gone. I shall take my anger out on a parked car of the same color.

One-legged Starfish: What color was it?

One-legged Squirrel: How should I know? (Looks around frantically.) There’s a white one. Let’s get it.

(One-legged Squirrel meanders its way towards 1994 Pontiac Grand Prix.)

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Do you hear something, garage door?

Garage Door: (Says nothing. It’s just a normal garage door.)

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Oh, of all the inanimate objects to not have a speaking part… it sure is lonely here. And I’m pretty sure

something’s coming up from behind me.

One-legged Squirrel: It’s me! One of your kind ran over my girlfriend! And since he got away, I’m taking this out on you!

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Who’s saying that? I can’t look behind me.

(Ten minutes later…)

One-legged Squirrel: There’s no escape!

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Holy shit, for a raging lunatic of a squirrel, you sure are slow!

One-legged Squirrel: In the land of dead car batteries, the squirrel with one limb is king!

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Well, I didn’t vote for you.

Pat Buchanan: I did.

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: In that case, would you mind giving me a push?

Pat Buchanan: Depends. Will you vote for me in the next election?

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Not on purpose, but hey, you might get lucky again.

Pat Buchanan: Good enough for me.

(Pat Buchanan pushes 1994 Pontiac Grand Prix towards One-legged Squirrel.)

One-legged Squirrel: Uh-oh! Now the car is moving as fast as me, but in the opposite direction! This is one math problem I don’t want to figure out!

Pat Buchanan: Excellent! He’s trying to turn around!

(One-legged Squirrel attempts to turn around, but since he has one leg, it’s really hard.)

One-legged Squirrel: Egads! I will be run over again!

Squirrel in a Wheelchair: Not if I can help it!

(Squirrel in a Wheelchair comes to the rescue, pulls One-legged Squirrel onto his wheelchair.)

One-legged Squirrel: I’m saved!

Squirrel in a Wheelchair: Now we roll to safety!

(Squirrel in a Wheelchair rolls out to the street, only to get run over by a Segway.)

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Keep pushing! We’re almost there!

Pat Buchanan: We already got him.

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Well I don’t see him.

Pat Buchanan: We went for that Y-shaped twig, right?

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: I don’t think so…

Pat Buchanan: How about that ant hill?

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: I really don’t know. It could have been. I need to hear it to know for sure.

Pat Buchanan: I’m tired. I better stop pushing. (Stops pushing.)

One-legged Starfish: GET… OFF… ME!!!

 

Forever Repressed: The Name Game

Nuke Laloosh: The minors blow.

Coco Crisp: Hey, they’re not THAT bad.

Nuke Laloosh: You’d say that. Just look at your name!

Coco Crisp: Whatever you say, “Nuke.” Weren’t you mentored by a guy named Crash?

Nuke Laloosh: Good point.

Stubby Clapp: I once played in a major league game.

Catfish Hunter: Yeah? Well I’m in the Hall of Fame.

Dizzy Dean: And we’re all white.

Coco Crisp: Not me!

Milton Bradley: Or me.

Andruw Jones: The three of us all play center field, we do.

Greg Olson: I was a catcher.

Gregg Olson: I was a pitcher.

Dizzy Dean: Yikes, so many people. This is making me dizzy.

Catfish Hunter: Where’s Yogi?

Yogi Berra: Sorry, this is the earliest I’ve ever been late. (Steals pic-a-nic basket.)

Todd Jones: You guys are all weird.

 

Forever Repressed: The Last Action Torso

Stanley Steemer: What a dirty carpet. I better get to work.

(Stanley Steemer begins cleaning the carpet.)

(The Farting Mime farts on the carpet)

Stanley Steemer: Oh, come on! I was just done cleaning that!

(The Farting Mime plays the world’s smallest violin)

Stanley Steemer: You’ll never get away with this!

(The Farting Mime points to the Orkin Man, dead as a doornail underneath a parked Kia Spectra)

Stanley Steemer: You ran over the Orkin Man with a Kia Sephia? Man, that’s embarrassing.

Geo Tracker: Well, at least it took the attention away from me.

Stanley Steemer: Only one person can save the day!

(The Farting Mime shakes head in disagreement)

A Voice: I’m here to stop this!

Stanley Steemer: Could it be! It is! It’s Vin Diesel’s Chest!

Vin Diesel’s Chest: That’s right. Now what’s the problem?

(The Farting Mime Lets out a juicy one right on the Oriental rug)

Stanley Steemer: Help us, Vin Diesel’s Chest! He’s farting on the rug that I just cleaned.

Vin Diesel’s Chest: Well, I’ll just have to put a stop to this using my impeccable pecs.

(The Farting Mime Pretends to be trapped in a box)

Vin Diesel’s Chest: Shoot. He’s in a box. How am I going to get to him now?

Geo Tracker: Smoke him out.

Tommy Chong: I’m way ahead of you, man.

(Invisible box fills up with smoke, The Farting Mime busts out of the box.)

Vin Diesel’s Chest: It worked. Now come and get me, you mute freak.

(The Farting Mime Farts right into Vin Diesel’s Chest)

Vin Diesel’s Chest: Do you think that’s going to work? I don’t have a nose.

Tommy Chong: Wow, weird man. He’s like, got no face.

(The Farting Mime Makes a gasping face, then runs away.)

Geo Tracker: I’ll take it from here.

(Geo Tracker Opens driver’s side door)

(The Farting Mime gets in, tries to start the car, but the car explodes.)

Vin Diesel’s Chest: Well, shoot. If I was closer to the explosion, I would jump out of the way just so the camera could get a slo-mo of my massive chest muscles.

Stanley Steemer: You saved the day! But why did the car explode?

Unabomber: I think it was a terrorist.

(Vin Diesel’s Chest floats away heroically, girls faint in their seats.)

 

Daves of Our Lives Episode 7

After attempting to set a new record by beating his meat to the same picture for 8 hours, Dave was rudely interrupted by an IM from a mysterious Ilovedavepoobondyesdavepoobondfromsquackleheissooooohot34@aol.com (appearently Ilovedavepoobondyesdavepoobondfromsquackleheissooooohot 1-33 were already taken) Dave was intrigued because he had never heard any appraise for squackle…ahem…suquakle before… all the “fan mail” was actually him incognito. Thier conversation went a little something like this

(note: ILDPBYDPBFSHISH34=Ilovedavepoobondyesdavepoobondfromsquackleheissooooohot34)

ILDPBYDPBFSHISH34: i love you

Davepoobond: brb, i just started beating it.

(approx. 36 seconds later)

Davepoobond: ok, done

ILDPBYDPBFSHISH34: Will you marry me?

Davepoobond: yeah, ok

(Davepoobond and ILDPBYDPBFSHISH34 get married via getmarriedtoatotalstrangerovertheinternet.net)

On next week’s episode!: Will Dave and his secret admirer meet? Will ILDPBYDPBFSHISH34 turn out to be a 4’3″ overweight slightly balding spanish speaking hill troll with a pair of wire frame glasses and a stutter? the answers to that and more….is yes.

 

Daves of Our Lives Episode 6

Dave was making the website for SUQUAKLE when suddenly the roof of stumpy’s house came off. It happened to be the Goddess of porno, completely naked and using a dildo as a magic wand. Goddess: ‘Dave! Why aren’t you beatin your shit? DON’T YOU LOVE LOOKING AT NAKED GIRLS ANYMORE? ” Dave: “Sure I do…it’s just Fred fucks me so well!” Goddess: “Oh I see…your gay! I have some gay porn for you!” Before Dave can say anything, she waves her magic Dildo and dave gets a bunch of porn e-mail advertising gay stuff. Dave: “NO BITCH! I AIN’T GAY! FRED IS A GIRL! AND A MIGHTY FINE ONE AT THAT!” Goddess: “Oh well…You may have her now, but when your single, loking at your penis and wishing some hot slut was on it, you’ll come back to me. Goodbye dave.” Dave: “Wait…did you take me off this gay porn e-mail spell?” Goddess: “Hmmm…nope. I hope you know Stumpy whacks off more times then the president of Russia.” She disappears. Dave ponders in thought when Stump comes rushing in. Stumpy: “DAVE! WTF!!! YOU BLEW YOUR LOAD SO HARD IT KNOCKED MY CEILING OFF?” Dave: “No stumpy, it was the porn goddess…” Stumpy: “….Right…I believe you.” A minute later Stumpy kicks his ass out of his house.

 

The Ugly Bunch Episode 1

(theme song)

Here’s a story

Of an ugly lady

Too bad this ho

Did not know

That her daughters were ugly

Here’s a story

Of a smelly man

Who you can’t stay

10 seconds with

or else you would suffocate and die

I wouldn’t wanna be his kids

Then One day this ugly lady met this smelly fellow

And they knew it was much more than a hunch

that this group of ugly people

would make a great ugly bunch

so they got married the next day

and thank God for that

now no one, has to marry those 2 ugly people now

THE UGLY BUUUNNCHH!!!

THE UGLY BUNCH

That’s the way we became the ugly bunch

THE UGLY BUNCH!

THE UGLY BUNCH!

Oh did we mention we had an ugly maid also?

(end of theme song, and the camera has a full face shot of Barfsha)

Barfsha: I’m sooo pretty

(Barfsha is brushing her hair)

Blan: Barfsha, how come you got all the good looks in the family?

Barfsha: because I got all the pretty genes

(Barfsha has a crooked nose, a warped lip, and more “beauty moles” than her actual skin)

Barfsha: I’m so yummy

Just Plain: hi, I’m underage

(Just Plain drinks beer)

Just Plain: its sooo good.

(Mom and Dad are having sex on the ceiling but crash through the roof onto the couch)

Dad: damn, did it again!

Made: Now I have to clean it up…

Too: ha, stupid maid

Very: shut up. Go eat my boogers

Too: only if unbelievably comes too

Unbelievable: suck it!

Made: ok!

(Made and Unbelievably go upstairs)

(a man comes out of a closet and launches a rocket at the camera)

(technical difficulties)

(end)

 

The Reindeer Show Episode 1

Ho Ho Ho

 

Blitzen: hello everyone! Welcome to the first episode of The Reindeer Show, picked up by the greatest broadcasting station ever, SBC!

 

Comet: Only SBC would put this kind of crappy show with talking reindeer on!

 

Prancer: Yeah! And not only do we get to stay on during Christmas only, we get to stay on the air all year round

 

Comet: not like we’ve got anything else to do the whole year…before we were picked up by SBC, we were on public broadcasting in Santa’s Village only

 

Blitzen: but Santa hooked us up

 

Santa (laughing): ho ho ho!

 

Comet (blinks): right…lets show some clips from the public broadcasting before we got onto SBC!

 

(fade out)

(fade in, the camera is shaking)

 

Blitzen: Prancer, I can’t hold the camera

 

(you can see a fire next to the edge of the screen)

 

Prancer: give me that!

 

(Prancer tries to get it, but the camera falls into the fire, finally stopping to shake. You can see the reindeer behind the flames)

 

Prancer: great. Get Rudolph in here!

 

(the scene cuts to outside again, recording Rudolph trying to get the camera, putting his leg in, put pulling it out over and over)

 

Prancer: oh, just get it already!

 

(Prancer kicks Rudolph in the ass, and Rudolph launches into the fire, and the gate on the fireplace locks shut)

 

Prancer: ehh….oops?

 

(fade out)

 

Donner: that tape cracks me up

 

Blitzen: how nice of you to join us, Donner

 

Donner: yes it is, isn’t it

 

Prancer: where’s the other guys?

 

Donner: um…staying away until the author can remember their names

 

Prancer: oh…kay….

 

Blitzen: the hell does that mean?

 

Donner: excuse me?

 

(Vixen cartwheels into a stack of Chia Pets)

 

Vixen: chia pets!

 

Santa: ho ho ho!

 

Mrs. Claus: Santa said, “didn’t I tell you never to cartwheel into the Presents That No One Wants Anymore Even If They Are Free Pile?”

 

Vixen: look at all this crappy stuff!

 

Prancer: hey, you’re right! While we’re looking through this shit, here’s another clip. Its supposedly a ransom video we made…

 

(fade out)

(fade in, you see Rudolph tied on a chair and blindfolded)

 

Rudolph: hello? Anyone here??

 

(Vixen walks in front of the camera, in a ski mask)

 

Vixen: hello…SANTA. We’re revolting against you. I’m afraid Christmas just won’t be this year. We have all revolted…except goody-two-shoes Rudolph here

 

Rudolph: hello? Vixen, this isn’t funny!

 

(Donner walks over to Rudolph and punches him in the stomach)

 

Donner: quiet, you!

 

Rudolph: owwww….

 

Vixen: but! There is a way you CAN have Christmas this year. Increase out food supply and pay by 200%!

 

Donner: If you don’t, we’ll tear Rudolphs genitals off! Then there will be no more reindeer with red stupid nose thingys!

 

(a big rumble, and all of a sudden Santa somersaults from the ceiling, karate chopping Donner)

 

Vixen: oh crap! The elves ratted us out!!

 

(Santa launches into the air, kicking Vixen into the camera, and the scene becomes snowy)

(scene cuts back to Donner, looking through the toys)

 

Donner: alright! I found a Street Shark action figure! And a belt that says “suck me” on it!

 

(Donner puts the belt on and puts his front hooves on his hips)

 

Donner: I’m cool now!

 

Blitzen: you’re still a freak

 

Donner: what’d you say!?

 

(Donner jumps on Blitzen and they start punching each other)

(camera pans to Dasher)

 

Dasher: hey, here’s a funny clip

 

(fades out, and fades in to Dasher, sitting at a table, with various foods on it)

 

Dasher (speaking in a British accent): why, hello there, and welcome to Dasher’s Cooking Show. Today, we will learn a specialty dish, called “Bake-a-Rudolph”

 

(Dahser picks up a big pot and places it in front of him)

 

Dasher: first you get all this crap

 

(Dahser picks up a pile of Reindeer crap in a Ziploc bag)

 

Dasher: then, put it in here

 

(Dasher empties it into the pot)

 

Dasher: then you pee in it

 

(Dasher pees in it)

 

Dasher: then you put Rudolph in here, and voila, put it in the oven and listen to the screaming! For you convenience, we’ve already prepared this dish, its still in the oven right now

 

(Dasher opens the oven door, and Rudolph is swimming around in the pot)

 

Rudolph: Dasher! Get-me-out-of-hereeeee!!!

 

(Dasher closes the oven door, turns around to look at the camera, and shrugs)

 

Dasher: well, seems like its not done yet. See you next time!

 

(fades out, and goes back to all the reindeer sitting in chairs, except Rudolph)

 

Blitzen: well, that’s all for today. Next time, we’ll probably do some more new mindless crap

 

Prancer: we would like to assure you that Rudolph is still alive (unfortunately), but he couldn’t join us today, because we cuffed him to the North Pole

 

(all the reindeer wave)

 

Everyone: good bye!

 

(end)

 

The Barney Love Connection Episode 1

(a bad remake of the I Love Lucy them song plays, making it sound gayer than it regularly does)

(Barney, the purple dinosaur prances out on stage with a microphone)

(audience is clapping)

 

Barney: duh huh! I’m Barney, the purple dinosaur, and this is the Barney Love Connection! Yaay!!

 

(audience cheers loudly)

 

Barney: This is the show where we give losers that can’t find a date or get any at all, the choice to go out with 3 lovely people, or do 1 alternative choice which could range from anything to nothing!

 

(audience cheers)

 

Barney: now let’s welcome our first loser: Mr. Dan Dan the Motorcycle Man!

 

(Dan Dan rides in on a tricycle sitting down on a heart shaped couch next to Barney)

 

Barney: Dan Dan, we’ve got a spectacular line up for you today. 1st, lets go to the women for you!

 

(a shadowy figure appears in each of three boxes to the right of a bigger screen)

(the first of the 3 boxes appears on the bigger screen, and an announcer starts talking)

 

Announcer: Betty Ba-doop is a brunette from South Alabama. She enjoys space walks, and vacuums. She’s really into guys that can be like a vacuum on her…

 

(the box fades away, and the second one comes up)

 

Announcer: Erin White-ass is a blonde woman from Northern New Jersey who enjoys to take long baths with men and drink radioactive water. She has a third boob, extra fun for every one…

 

(the box fades away, and the third one comes up)

 

Announcer: Stripper McGoog is a stripper at a local nudey bar. Stripper likes to be naked.

 

Barney: wow! I wish I were you, so I could pick #3! But! If you don’t like it…(along with the audience) TAKE the ALTERNATIVE CHOICE!!

 

(audience cheers)

 

Barney: Let’s show him his alternative choice!

 

Announcer: if you don’t like any of the women, here, you have to make out with…THIS CAN OF TOMATO PASTE!!!

 

(the camera zooms in and out on a can of tomato paste over and over)

 

audience: ewwww!

 

Dan Dan (rubbing his chin): hmmm…

 

Barney: what’s it gonna be, Dan Dan? Is it gonna be Betty Ba-doop, Erin White-ass or Stripper McGoog? OR the Alternative choice?? Let’s see what the audience says!

 

(everyone says something different)

(everyone quiets down)

 

Idiot: number 8!!

 

(everyone looks at Idiot like he’s an Idiot and then a sniper shoots him from the rafters)

 

Idiot: squash

 

(Idiot dies)

 

Dan Dan: hmm….

 

Barney: have you made up your mind!??

 

Dan Dan: yes! I pick #3!!

 

(annoying bells ring and lights flash)

 

Barney: congratulations! You picked Stripper McGoog! Let’s see her!

 

(Stripper’s face appears in the big square again, and is revealed showing a man in a wig, with a beard. He waves at Dan Dan, and blows him a kiss)

 

Dan Dan (faling out of his seat): ahhh!!!!

 

(Stripper McGoog walks out from behind the TV screen running over to Dan Dan getting on top of him. You can now see Stripper McGoog is wearing a yellow rubber kinda dress thingy and platform shoes)

 

Barney: wow! I bet you sure woulda wanted to have made-out with the tomato paste….hahahaha….

 

(Stripper McGoog kisses Dan Dan over and over as the camera pans out)

 

Barney: we’ll find out how the date went, and pair up another 2 losers next episode!

 

(crowd applauds as credits roll and music plays as it does too)

 

Announcer: The Barney Love Connection with your host Barney Dinosaur is brought to you in main part by SBC, because they don’t have any better shows to put on the air right now, and also Queer-ker Oatmeal!

 

(end)

 

Daves of Our Lives Episode 5

Dave is beatin his shit…then a knock on the door is heard. He opens the door and it’s Mr. T! Mr. T: “ASSHO!” Dave: “I KILL YOU!” They wrestle and dave kicks Mr. T’s ass. Then Dave is about to go beat his shit but another knock is heard. Dave opens the door and it’s Fred. Fred: “DAVE I MISSED YOU! LETS HAVE HOT SEX AT STUMPY’S HOUSE!” Dave: “Ok!” They go to Stumpy’s house and Dave knocks on the door. Stumpy opens the door….naked…..and says: “What the hell are you two doing here?” Dave kicks stumpy outside and Dave goes inside with Fred and they fuck all day long. After a long time Fred says: “Dave…did you finish the SUQUAKLE website?” Dave says: “No but i’ll dance right now.” So Dave starts dancing for no reason. Fred then says: “THATS IT DAVE I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN ASSHOLE!” She storms out of Stumpy’s house. Dave then goes to Stumpy’s computer and starts working on SUQUAKLE website. Suddenly a loud noise is heard and the roof of Stumpy’s house comes off!

 

Daves of Our Lives Episode 4

Dave….making the website at Stumpy’s house, is shocked when he hears Stumpy yell out: “OH MY GOD YOUR A MAN!” He runs into the room and he see’s Stumpy looking down and Fred laying naked on the bed. He immediatley see’s that Fred is a girl. Dave: “What are you talkin about? Fred is a girl!” Stumpy: “I wasn’t talkin about Fred! I WAS TALKIN ABOUT ME! SEE MY PENIS! ISN’T IT QUIET LARGE?” Dave: “Uh…..i’m going home….and holding back from killing you. Come on Fred, lets go.” Fred and Dave walk out of Stumpy’s house and walk home. They have hot hoooooot sex all night long. Dave has 20 orgasms that night. The next morning Fred wakes up to find out that Bubba is under the bed unconcious. Fred: “BUBBA! DAVE WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?” Dave: “He bothered me while i was beatin my shit…..and NOBODY bothers me and my penis during the hours of 12:00 AM to 12:00 PM….Eastern Standard time, that is….” Fred: “DAVE! I’M WALKIN OUT EVEN IF THAT WAS THE BEST SEX I EVER HAD! And I’m takin my drunken lover with with me…” Fred carries Bubba and they walk out. As soon as they walk out Dave goes on beatin his shit. The doorbell rings and Dave goes and opens it. It’s Mr. T with a brand new computer! Mr. T: “I pity the fool – ” Dave slams the door on Mr. T’s face right after he takes the computer. He then connects it and logs onto porn to beat his shit.