Category Archives: TV Shows

TV shows written for SBC.

The Pump Girls Episode 8

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)

 

Announcer: Today’s episode is…

Pumpin’ Back to School Part 5

 

(Mommy Manager walks in)

 

Mommy Manager: Girls, summer vacation is over, so that means our touring is over as well. You have to go back to school!

 

AshAsh: ah, great…

 

JayJay: yay!

 

FartFart: whoohoo!

 

KayKay: yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah!

 

Homey: can I go to school, too?

 

Mommy Manager: I…suppose

 

Homey: yay!

 

(camera zooms in on Homey)

(the camera scene turns black showing in white letters)

 

 

Homey

 

(along the way to school)

 

Homey (thinking): oh man, I don’t wanna go to school…what am I thinking? Oh yeah, there’s lots of LSD at school, I forgot…heh, silly me.

 

(KayKay blows bubbles in his face)

 

KayKay: Mr. Homey, why do you like school? I thought you were at lest 23

 

Homey: well, I am. I never graduated though. I got hooked onto LSD…

 

(Homey props his legs up on AshAsh’s head)

 

Homey: And I’ve been riding the SOOOOOOOUL TRAIN ever since

 

KayKay: what’s that?

 

Homey (looks out the window, ignoring KayKay): hey, look at that! a tree!

 

KayKay: you’re mean!

 

Homey: yes, I know

 

AshAsh: get your feet off my head!

 

(AshAsh grabs a handful of Homey’s leg hairs)

 

Homey: owwwwww!

 

Mommy Manager: we’re here!

 

Homey: finally…

 

(The Pump Girls leave, except Homey)

(Homey makes his way out, but Mommy Manager holds him by the shirt)

 

Mommy Manager: listen carefully. If I have to come pick you up for doing something illegal, don’t bother calling!

 

Homey: umm….k

 

(Homey jumps out of the van as it zooms away, rolling on the floor

 

Homey: oh…k…my next class is…Mrs. Stickums…

 

(Homey walks into the school, going to Mrs. Stickums’s room)

(elmoisfurry and davepoobond walks towards the class as well, and see Homey go in the room)

 

davepoobond: the hell? That guy smells..

 

(elmoisfurry shrugs)

(they walk into Mrs. Stickums’s room)

(Homey sits down in Mrs. Stickums’s chair, not knowing its hers)

 

Mrs. Stikcums (screaming): WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY CHAIR!? GET OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!

 

Homey: ah! Ok!

 

(Homey gets out of the chair, accidentally bumping a rock that has “patience” chiseled in it onto the floor)

 

Mrs. Stickums (sreaming): DON’T TOUCH MY PATIENCE ROCK!!

 

(Homey shrivels up into a fetal position, crying)

 

Homey: leave me alone…

 

Mrs. Stickums: ok, class, today I will teach you about drugs

 

Homey (stops crying): drugs? All riiight!

 

Mrs. Stickums: open your books to page 420 and start reading, while I sit in front of the room eating large amounts of sugary lollipops and making myself evermore the fat bitch, not actually being a teacher

 

Homey: do we get to sample the drugs?

 

Mrs. Stickums (raising her fist): I’ll let you sample a little of this!

 

Homey: what is that?

 

Mrs. Stickums: my fist!

 

Homey: what about it?

 

(Mrs. Stickums punches Homey, and he flies through the roof, landing on the roof)

 

Homey: owww…that fat bitch…

 

(Homey gets dizzy and passes out)

(Homey wakes up a little later, next to a naked person)

 

Homey: AH! YUCK!

 

(Homey grabs the person and tosses her off, into a crowd of people. The crowd of people look up after a few minutes)

 

Crowd of people: murderer!

 

Homey: ah crap.

 

(next thing Homey knew, he was in jail)

(25 people are sitting around lifting waits and junk)

 

Homey: hey, how’s it going? Where is this?

 

Tiny: this is the Golden State Penitentiary, and its Story Time. So you better tell us a pretty good friggin story if you wanna stay alive

 

(Homey tells the story of the day)

(after Homey tells his story, everyone is crying)

 

Tiny: did she REALLY tear off all that leg hair?

 

Homey: yeah, look!

 

(Homey points to a bald spot on his leg)

 

Tiny: man, if I ever see her, I’m gonna kill her)

 

(AshAsh is thrown into the same cell as them)

 

Homey: the hell? Yo boys, AshAsh is here, remember, its her?

 

Tiny: oh yeah. Lets kill her!

 

(25 people run at AshAsh, punching her into the ground endlessly and kicking her too)

(Homey just watches)

(Homey checks his pockets, and gets a little eye dropper out, waving it around)

 

Homey: hey guys, lets have an LSD party!

 

25 people: yeah!

 

(just then, a guard smacks Homey in the head with a nightstick, knocking him out)

(end)

The Pump Girls Episode 7

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)

 

Announcer: Today’s episode is…

Pumpin’ Back to School Part 4

 

(Mommy Manager walks in)

 

Mommy Manager: Girls, summer vacation is over, so that means our touring is over as well. You have to go back to school!

 

AshAsh: ah, great…

 

JayJay: yay!

 

FartFart: whoohoo!

 

KayKay: yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah!

 

Homey: can I go to school, too?

 

Mommy Manager: I…suppose

 

Homey: yay!

 

(camera zooms in on FartFart)

(the camera scene turns black showing in white letters)

 

 

FartFart

 

Mommy Manager: bye, Fart Fart

 

FartFart: ::fart:: bye!

 

(PeePee and PooPoo come along and walk around with FartFart)

 

PeePee: ::pee:: Hey, FartFart

 

FartFart: ::fart:: hi

 

PooPoo: ::poop:: what’s going on?

 

FartFart: ::fart:: nothin’ much

 

PooPoo: ::poop:: oh, that’s nice. Wanna do something cool?

 

FartFart: ::fart:: oh…k…

 

PeePee: ::pee:: fart the biggest fart ever and aim yourself at the gym

 

FartFart: ::fart:: ok!

 

(FartFart aims herself towards the gym and farts really loudly, propelling her into the air, flying towards the gym)

 

FartFart: wow! I’m flyingggg

 

(FartFart smacks into the gym’s wall and it collapses, with FartFart in the middle of the destruction)

(FartFart faints after she gives off another huge fart)

(end)

The Pump Girls Episode 6

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)

 

Announcer: Today’s episode is…

Pumpin’ Back to School Part 3

 

(Mommy Manager walks in)

 

Mommy Manager: Girls, summer vacation is over, so that means our touring is over as well. You have to go back to school!

 

AshAsh: ah, great…

 

JayJay: yay!

 

FartFart: whoohoo!

 

KayKay: yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah!

 

Homey: can I go to school, too?

 

Mommy Manager: I…suppose

 

Homey: yay!

 

(camera zooms in on KayKay)

(the camera scene turns black showing in white letters)

 

 

KayKay

 

Mommy Manager: have a good-

 

KayKay (ripping off her clothes): FREEEEEEEDOOMMM!!

 

(KayKay runs into the school)

 

KayKay (thinking): they have some nice broom sticks in the Janitor’s Closet

 

(KayKay runs into the Janitor’s closet)

(Whoa, Crow, Foe, Moe, and Joe come in, too)

 

KayKay: what are you guys doing here?

 

Crow: umm…we wanna play “Get drunks so we can…do stuff” with you…

 

Joe: that’s it

 

KayKay: ok

 

(Foe hands KayKay a crack pipe and a bottle of LSD)

 

Foe: drink up

 

(KayKay gets “drunk” and falls over, seeing many hallucinations. She becomes delirious and doesn’t know what is happening any more)

(she stays like that until she goes back to the hospital)

(end)

The Pump Girls Episode 5

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)

 

Announcer: Today’s episode is…

Pumpin’ Back to School Part 2

 

(Mommy Manager walks in)

 

Mommy Manager: Girls, summer vacation is over, so that means our touring is over as well. You have to go back to school!

 

AshAsh: ah, great…

 

JayJay: yay!

 

FartFart: whoohoo!

 

KayKay: yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah!

 

Homey: can I go to school, too?

 

Mommy Manager: I…suppose

 

Homey: yay!

 

(camera zooms in on JayJay)

(the camera scene turns black showing in white letters)

 

JayJay

 

(JayJay walks towards the playground, she wants to play Dodge ball)

 

JayJay: hey, Guys! Can I play dodge ball too?

 

Guys: ok! DODGE!

 

(Guys throws the ball right at Jay Jay’s head)

(the ball hits her head, and she goes unconscious)

(when she wakes up, she’s naked, and on top of the school’s roof)

 

JayJay: AAAH!

 

(as JayJay was screaming, a big bird shit, and it fell into her mouth)

 

JayJay: ewww!

 

(JayJay tries to spit out what she can, but she swallowed the whole thing)

 

Homey: shut up!

 

(Homey grabs JayJay and lodges her off the roof, into a crowd of people, and she lands on the ground, hard)

 

JayJay: ouch…

 

crowd of people: ewwwwww!!

 

(the crowd of people start kicking JayJay, and she gets a concussion)

(end)

The Pump Girls Episode 4

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)

 

Announcer: Today’s episode is…

Pumpin’ Back to School Part 1

 

(Mommy Manager walks in)

 

Mommy Manager: Girls, summer vacation is over, so that means our touring is over as well. You have to go back to school!

 

AshAsh: ah, great…

 

JayJay: yay!

 

FartFart: whoohoo!

 

KayKay: yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah!

 

Homey: can I go to school, too?

 

Mommy Manager: I…suppose

 

Homey: yay!

 

(camera zooms in on AshAsh)

(the camera scene turns black showing in white letters)

 

AshAsh

 

Mommy Manager: ok, AshAsh. Have a nice first day at school!

 

AshAsh: ok..::thinking:: boy it’ll be nice to hang around my REAL friends for a change…

 

(AshAsh walks toward the school)

(inside)

 

Joe: whoa! Crow? Foe? Moe!

 

Whoa: yehh babyy…back to school man! Yeeeehaw!

 

Moe: hey look over there!

 

(Moe points to AshAsh, entering the building)

 

Foe: that’s one of them Pump Girls ain’t it?

 

Moe: you bet your pants it is!

 

Joe: lets rape her!

 

Moe: nah man…that’s for the last day of school

 

Joe: oh yeah…

 

(Joe, Crow, Foe, Whoa and Moe go over to AshAsh, surrounding her so she can’t get away)

 

AshAsh: uhh…hey, guys…what’s…happening? ::thinking: gawd, I can’t believe I’m talking to the hottest guys in the school

 

Joe: we were wondering…

 

(KayKay all of a sudden runs by them, naked)

 

Moe: Whoa! What the hell? Look at that!

 

Whoa: Aaaah! Let’s go!

 

(Joe, Crow, Moe, Whoa and Foe chase after KayKay. She is giggling in a really high pitched voice and runs into a janitor’s closet)

(AshAsh sighs, and goes to her class)

 

Ms. E: hello, class, welcome to Algebra 1. Today is your first day of school!

 

(the class boos)

 

Ms. E: that’s why we’re having the test on Chapter 12, in 3 minutes. You have 3 minutes to figure out all the algebraic equations in the book!

 

(AshAsh just stares at the teacher)

 

Ms. E: What are YOU looking at Little Miss Missy. Get to work!!

 

AshAsh: My name is-

 

Ms. E: What did I tell you, Little Miss Missy? GO TO WORK OR YOU GO TO THE PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE!!

 

AshAsh: uhh

 

(suddenly a huge explosion occurs, and the gym collapses)

 

Class: whoa!

 

(the whole class rushes up to the window, looking at the gym)

 

Moné: wow! The gym blew up!

 

AshAsh: umm…yeah…

 

Ms. E: ok, back to class everyone

 

(a big fart is let loose from the gym)

(sirens are heard as they near the school’s gym)

 

Ms. E: CLASS! Since the gym blew up and you are all traumatized, I suppose we won’t have the test today. Oh, look at that. School is almost over. Goodbye everyone

 

(everyone leaves the classroom as the bell rings)

(Moné grabs AshAsh’s ass and winks at her, walking away. Moné is a girl)

 

AshAsh: ……..

 

(AshAsh walks out of the school and back to the hospital)

(a parole officer stops AshAsh)

 

Parole officer: What do you think you are doing? Its 2.37 seconds before school ends, what are you doing? Skipping class? That’s it Little Miss Missy, you’re going to jail!

 

(the Parole officer grabs AshAsh and shoves her into a police car)

 

AshAsh: ahhh!

 

(in prison)

 

Homey: the hell? Yo boys, AshAsh is here, remember, its her?

 

Tiny: oh yeah. Lets kill her!

 

(25 people run at AshAsh, punching her into the ground endlessly and kicking her too)

(Homey just watches)

(fade out, AshAsh goes unconcious)

(end)

Daves of Our Lives Episode 3

Dave, tradegically strucken by his computer accident, goes to his local porn shop and talks with his all time best friend: Mr. T. Dave: “My computer busted while I was beatin my shit…” Mr. T: “I pity the foo who messed up your computer…i’m gonna beat his head into a telephone so he can finally dial 1-800-collect.” Dave: “…uh…yeah whatever.” Mr. T: “shut up foo!” Mr. T bitchslaps Dave. Dave wrestles Mr. T and Dave beats him up. He then walks back to his house and sits down on his couch and beats his shit. The phone rings and he picks it up. It’s Dave’s best friend, Stumpy. Stumpy: “Hey…I heard about your computer thing…come on over and use mine…” Dave runs over to Stumpy’s house. He enters the house and he walks to Stumpy’s room. Stumpy: “Hey sup…go ahead and set up SUQUAKLE on my computer. I’m just going to have hot sex with your former Girlfriend Fred in the other room.” Dave: “Well i was just gonna look at porn to beat my shit to.” Stumpy: “Dude…don’t you beat your shit enough? It’s gonna fall off the way your goin at it…” Dave: “Yeah alright…i’ll set up SUQUAKLE.” Stumpy goes into another room with Fred and they start having sex n stuff while Dave is making the SUQUAKLE web page. Suddenly Stumpy screams about half way through the love making: “YOUR A MAN!!!!!!!”

Daves of Our Lives Episode 2

The scene starts off with Dave, sitting at his computer with his hands down his pants and his hot latin girlfriend talking to him behind him. She calls to him: “Dave…have you updated the SUQUAKLE website? If you have…you get a big fat sloppy kiss…” Dave replies: “No i’ve been too busy beatin my shit to porn….” The latin girlfriend named fred starts crying and sobbing: “DAVE!!!!!! WHAT HAS BECOME OF YOU!!! DO YOU CARE ABOUT THE WEB PAGE ANYMORE?” Dave continues to whack off…. Fred cries even harder: “THATS IT! IF YOU CAN’T RESPECT SUQUAKLE THEN I’M WALKIN OUT ON YOU!!!!!” Dave says: “BYE!” Fred walks out and slams the door…silence is heard throughout the house except for dave beatin his shit. Suddenly, Sam, Fred’s lover…bursts into the room…Sam: “WHAT DID YOU DO TO MAH GIRL!” Dave jumps up and says: “She’s a slut!” They both start wrestling and Dave throws Sam at the computer and Sam gets a concussion… The computer breaks and Dave falls to the ground, covering his eyes and then looks at the ceiling and cries: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Then he starts sobbing.

Daves of Our Lives Episode 1

Dave…an average pornoholic like you and me….makes a web page called SUQAUKLE (due to law suits we cannot use the actual name of the web site). This all seems nice and good for Dave….He’s got a web site and some porn to beat his shit to. But what dave does not know is the tensions between choosing which one is better (porn or SUQAUKLE) have begun.

The Pump Girls Episode 3

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)

 

Announcer: Today’s episode is…

Pumpin’ Nothin’

 

(all the girls are unconscious in their beds)

(Dr. Kevorkian walks in and smiles)

(then, 10,000 men come in and “feel up” all the Pump Girls)

(fade out)

 

36 hours later

 

KayKay: hey! I found 3.675 cents in my uterus!

 

(everyone stares at her, then looks away, pretending they didn’t hear that)

 

AshAsh: that last performance sucked! And we’re going to be stuck in this hospital at least another week…

 

JayJay: Oh well

 

FartFart: ::fart:: I’m bored

 

AshAsh: yeah, me too…

 

(just then, Dr. Kevorkian wheels in Mommy Manager, Count Counter Clerk, and Homey the Homeless Man on hospital beds)

 

Count Counter Clerk: my head hurts…

 

Dr. Kevorkian: shut up you!

 

(Dr. Kevorkian smacks Count Counter Clerk on the head)

 

Count Counter Clerk: owww!

 

Homey: Smack him again!

 

(Mommy Manager is about to say something, but from excessive gas inhalation, she passes out)

(Dr. Kevorkian puts them in the line the Pump Girls are in, against the wall)

 

Dr. Kevorkian: I’m going to bring more playmates for you, just…you…wait

 

(Dr. Kevorkian laughs evilly as he closes the door)

 

AshAsh: I wonder what he meant by that…

 

(the door opens again, and Barney the big purple dinosaur gets rolled in, IV and breathing tanks hooked up all around him)

 

FartFart: BARNEY! What happened to you?

 

(Barney wheezes. The computer he is hooked up to speaks for him)

 

Computer: I was hit by a car, then beat down with crowbars…it hurt…then the steamroller, and the bombs…

 

(AshAsh blinks)

 

AshAsh: kay.

 

KayKay: yeah?

 

AshAsh: blah

 

KayKay: all right

 

FartFart: wow

 

JayJay: poor Barney…

 

Dr. Kevorkian: yeah, and I had a hell of a time trying to find out where he breathed from

 

(there’s tubes hooked up everywhere on Barney, on his pinky, into his ear, in his black eye and some tubes you can’t see where they go)

(no one says anything for a while)

(Dr. Kevorkian releases knockout gas into the hospital, knocking everyone out)

(end)

Scluckle Episode 3

The Cast:

 

Narrator ((speaking in the ( ) ))

 

Dacky!

 

jamescrapbond

 

Watson

 

MyRightTesticle

 

renismyname

 

ear

 

elmaismad

 

cako the portuguese porker

 

taco homless-man

 

Jared*

 

((Scluckle are all in a subway store. They have a new member who is well known for his subway diet (LOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSER) and is only known under codename as “Osama bin Jared”. He is in a custume with and obviously fake beard and glasses with a towel on his head (no not wrapped around his head, just a towel laying on his head). He is in a bathrobe trying to play off some middle eastern guy. The sluckle people surround him.

 

jamescrapbond: so…you want to be hired?

 

ear: do you have what it takes?

 

MyRightTesticle: Are you gay? just askin…if you are…i know…a friend…who…needs…a…date…

 

Osama bin Jared (in a middle easter accent): Oh yes i am very very gooo-da.

I kick squackle butt. I have plan, secret secret plans.

 

Watson: I say hire his ass.

 

elmaismad: we need ideas, my dick isn’t workin anymore…wheres my apple juice?

 

jamescrapbond: fine, your hire. elmaismad, go on vacation and take the mandatory vodka and viagra with you.

 

elmaismad: ok bye

 

((he leaves))

 

jamescrapbond: now, tell us this secret plan.

 

Osama bin Jared: First we must eat many many sandwiches until we are plump and fat like a camel hump. Then we must eat more like the thousand arabian knights who rescued Princess Flabula from the evil fast food restaurants. Then we must pray to the goddess of Suba-VVay and ask her for forgiveness and greatfullness and for a nice and long subway sandwich. Then our plan will be in effect.

 

nose: i like subway

 

((jamescrapbond slaps nose with a subway sandwich))

 

jamescrapbond: cool these things are good for something.

 

Osama bin Jared: No no no, no whackin, more eatin. eat eat eat like the feast of the goddes Sub-VVay.

 

((jamescrapbond sits on the sandwich))

 

jamescrapbond: nice seat too! WHO’S UP FOR A GAME OF BASEBALL!

 

((MyRightTesticle throws a ball and jamescrapbond hits the ball using the sandwich as a bat. The ball hits Osama bin Jared and knocks his costume off. Oh My God, It’s Jared dresssing up like a bootleg Osama Bin Laden and selling his subway sandwiches!

 

Jared: Damnit!

 

((the scluckle people surround him ready to beat him up when he stops them))

 

Jared: WAIT! ((he pulls out a small remote with a single button on it.)) If I press this button it will destroy Squackle, your arch nemisis!

 

cako the portuguese porker: umm…lets just beat him up and take the button?

 

taco homeless-man: sounds great

 

((they all grab subway sandwiches and beat him to a pulp with the sandwiches, while Jared is screaming: “SUBWAYYYYYYYYYY I HAVE FAILED YOOOOOOUUUUU! I LOVE YYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUU”))

 

renismyname: I’ll press the button

 

((he presses the button. Suddenly the subway building there in opens in half and a subway sandwich the size of a building pulled out from underneath the building. The sandwich is wheat bread with a lot of cheese, nuclear missles and canadian bacon along with chile. WHAT A DEADLY COMBINATION! The Sandwich launches into the air. The building returns to normal. ))

 

Jared: It’s beautiful, isn’t it? Only 2 grams of fa-

 

((all the scluckle people continue beating him. Meanwhile at the Squackle lab of underwear investigation, the wedgie alarm goes off and alerts everyone that an incoming skidmark (slang term for missle) is coming in. stimpyismyname calls on Dacky! to help out! Dacky! flies into the air and with a few big bites, eats the sandwich. He then flies to the subway the scluckle is in and makes a large LARGE fart. The whole scluckle team is blown out in different directions. Jared was severly hurt by the blast and had his arms and legs replaced by subway sandwiches. Osama bin Laden sued Jared for copying him but then Dacky! killed Osama bin laden while he was eating a sandwhich at subway.))

 

((The End))

 

((Don’t Do Drugs))

 

Jared* – Fresh and New and fresh And New!

The Pump Girls Episode 2

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)

 

Announcer: Today’s episode is…

 

Pumpin’ Toilets!

 

(The scene goes to the Pump Girls’ hospital beds, they’re in their hospital gowns)

 

KayKay: boy, that was some adventure we had last time!

 

AshAsh: I only regained conciousness three minutes ago! What happened?

 

Dr. Kevorkian: well, I don’t know how it happneed, but one of you were chopped up by a plane without your shoes, one of you passed out, one of you was smooshed, one of you had a sugar attack, the mommy manager had a concussion…and, I injected you with Rat poi-eh…never mind, wrong patients…

 

(Dr. Kevorkian walks out mumbling)

 

JoeJoe: uhh? who the hell was that?

 

FartFart: ::fart:: Our doctor? Maybe? He seemed to know a lot about us

 

(KayKay jumps out of her bed and screams)

 

KayKay: I’m not a virgin anymore!

 

(KayKay stops screaming)

 

KayKay: oh yeah, I forgot I had hot sex with Dr. Kevorkian in a tub of oatmeal…

 

(3 hours later)

 

Mommy Manager: Ok, we don’t have a car, how are we gonna get to the performance at the Starbucks?

 

AshAsh: oh no! we’ll never make it in the big time now!

 

(just then, The Pump Girls Van that Homey the Homeless Man stole, appeared at the top of the street, the front end jumping up and down)

 

Homey the Homeless Man: whee! Pump Girls!

 

(Homey stops the van right in front of them)

Pump Girls: Homey!

 

Homey: yo yo. I got some cool shit maaaan! I loaded hydraulics in this van, and I got some LSD! (LSD echoes)

 

AshAsh: LSD? What’s that?

 

Homey: uhh…it means “Losers Shootin ‘Dese”

 

FartFart: ::fart:: that doesn’t make any sense!

 

Homey: um…it doesn’t matter, its mine.

 

(Homey’s stomach rumbles)

 

Homey: aw man..maybe I should have gotten food instead of all this shit…

 

Mommy Manager: we need to go to Starbucks, can you take us there?

 

Homey: coffee! muffins! mmh..haven’t had those since the LA riots

 

(The Pump Girls and Mommy Manager go in the van, and it starts up and goes to Starbucks)

(1 hour later)

(they pull up to Starbucks and run in. Overhead shot)

(They bust open the doors, and make their way to the counter)

 

AshAsh: excuse me…

 

Count Counter Clerk: AAH! ITS THE PUMP GIRLS! I LOVE YOU!!!

 

AshAsh (blinks): umm…thank you!

 

Count Counter Clerk: have some Air Mochas on the house. Sugar free!

 

JoeJoe: yay!

 

(Count Counter Clerk places 6 cups on the counter and puts his hand over the cups, making “pshhh” sound with his mouth)

 

Count Counter Clerk: all done, there you go!

 

(Homey stares at the cups)

 

Homey: there’s nothing in there…

 

Count Counter Clerk: sure there is!

 

Homey (sniffing the cup): what then?

 

Count Counter Clerk: air! that’s what an Air Mocha is!

 

(Homey tosses all the cups down to the floor in a rageful manner)

 

Homey: I want muffins! Give me muffinnnnsss!

 

Count Counter Clerk: That’ll be $19.60

 

Homey: the hell?

 

Count Counter Clerk: well, I have to charge you an extra 10 bucks for the mess you made, those Air Mochas cost a buck each and the muffin costs $3.60

 

Mommy Manager: you said the Air Mochas were on the house!

 

Count Counter Clerk: yeah, I did

 

(Count Counter Clerk points down to a picture of a house drawn on the counter)

 

AshAsh: grr! let’s just do our show!

 

(The Pump Girls run into the bathroom with Mommy Manager. Homey is seen in the back, pulling Count Counter Clerk over the counter and beating the shit out of him as they run into the bathroom)

 

FartFart: ::fart:: we’re here!

 

Lady on Toilet: the fuck?

 

AshAsh (giggling): there’s no doors on the stalls for the toilets

 

Lady on Toilet: who the fuck are-

 

AshAsh (raises fist into the air): I’m AshAsh!

 

JoeJoe (raises fist into the air): I’m JoeJoe!

 

KayKay (raises fist into the air): I’m KayKay!

 

FartFart (raises fist into the air): ::fart:: I’m FartFart!!

 

All together (screaming): THE PUMP GIRLS!

 

(their words echo, because they screamed it, and it was in a bathroom)

(meanwhile, in the air vents)

 

Mr. Donkey: eheheh! I’m gonna blow this Starbucks up!

 

(all of a sudden the Pump Girls’ screams echoed through the vents where Mr. Donkey was, richocheting off the walls of the vents thousands of times, literally knocking Mr. Donkey unconcious, with his ears bleeding)

(anyway)

 

FartFart: ::fart:: let’s dooo it!

 

Lady on Toilet: whaha-what? I want peace and quiet. GO AWAY!

 

(The Pump Girls start to dance…horribly)

 

Lady on Toilet: no more!

 

(Lady on Toilet gets up, picking up a piece of poop from the toilet and tossing it at AshAsh)

 

AshAsh (screaming): AAAAH! I have POOP on my face!

 

(The Pump Girls stop dancing. When JoeJoe stops, she slips, slamming her head on the bathroom sink, cracking her skull)

 

FartFart: ::FART:: I’m excited!

 

(FartFart faints, and with her extreme weight, falls on Mommy Manager, smooshing her)

 

KayKay: ugh! too much sugar!

 

(KayKay hyperventilates and goes unconcious)

 

(The poop on AshAsh’s face goes into her screaming mouth. Fortunately, the poop had sugar in it, and AshAsh fell into a toilet after running around a little)

 

Lady on Toilet (blinking): good….

 

(end)

Garbage Pail Bears Episode 1

Guy: A time of war…

 

(a bear runs by the camera)

 

Guy: …a time of anarchy…

 

(the bear shoots his gun)

(screams of agony)

 

Guy: …and a time of no squeegee toys.

 

(the bear throws a grenade and ducks behind a tree)

(there is an explosion and a guy flies up into the air)

 

Guy: Get ready for…

 

Garbage Pail Bears

Garbage Pail Bears

Garbage Pail Bears

 

(there are some bears running around in a circle on a cloud. There is a big rainbow in the back. There is a cloud house on the right of the screen)

 

(inside the cloud house, the camera is focused on the door from the inside)

(the door opens and a bear comes in)

 

Spiky Bear: Sir!

 

(the camera focuses in on Bear of Clouds)

 

Bear of Clouds: yes?

 

Spiky Bear: Report about the war against the humans

 

Bear of Clouds: Is it good?

 

Spiky Bear: I’m afraid not sir, the Clouds have been scattered, and the heat has risen

 

Bear of Clouds: has there been an attempt to regroup?

 

Spiky Bear: No, sir. When I said scattered…I meant spread out across the world. The nearest bears that are next to each other are about 2 miles away. Some are up to 20.

 

Bear of Clouds (leaning back in his chair): My God. Make them all come back to the main Cloud base.

 

Spiky Bear: Yessir right away sir. Can I ask you something sir?

 

Bear of Clouds: yeah sure, whatever.

 

Spiky Bear: are you gay?

 

Bear of Clouds: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

(scene cuts to a line of bears, lined up)

(Bear of Clouds is walking in front of them, with one of those whips that generals have)

 

Bear of Clouds: ooh……sexy…..

 

(Bear of Clouds touches one of the bears on the shoulders, and whacks him in the leg with the whip)

 

Stupid Bear: SIR! Please, don’t whip me. Not here anyway.

 

(Stupid Bear winks)

 

Bear of Clouds: oh I’m sorry………………

 

(Bear of Clouds winks too)

(Soldier Bear flies in on his cloud)

 

Soldier Bear: I came back from the front!

 

Bear of Clouds: status report

 

Soldier Bear: wweeellllllll………..

 

Bear of Clouds: drop to your knees, close your eyes, open your mouth and be quiet

 

(scene cuts to a bear sitting at a desk)

 

Writer Bear: ….hmm….that was gay….why would I write something like that?

 

(Guy, the announcer, bursts in through the door)

 

Guy: Cuz Ya ARRREEEEEEEEEEEEE (gay that is)!!

 

Writer Bear: get outtaaa heeeeaaa!

 

(Writer Bear picks up his lamp and throws it at Guy)

 

Guy: uh oh.

 

(Guy gets knocked out)

(as soon as he falls, Storm Troopers burst in and shoot everything, killing Writer Bear)

 

Storm Trooper: STORM TROOPAS ARE SOOOOOOOOOOOOO COOOOOLLLLL!

 

(end)

Squackle Dating Tape #1

Hi there guys and gals! Are you lookin for a special someone to share your long lasting stupid life with? Are you so ugly that your mom legally disowned you? Well, here at Squackle Dating, we bring it tapes from around the world from losers just like you! Tape #1 includes the following people:

Jimiscokfick Mycomnisory

Eim Alloser

Albert Gore

Bill Hardman

Slutty Bojangles

The tape rolls on as there’s a guy with a mustache and a hole bunch of hair all over his body. His arm pit hair is amazingly straight. He has no shirt on and he’s smokin a cigarette. He looks like he hasn’t bathed in weeks and there’s flies buzzing around him.

“Hi, i’m Jimiscokfick. Do any ladies (or men) want to touch this sexy hairy body? I have amazingly straight hair” He flashes his armpit hair. “because of my multi-million dollar selling object: The armpit hair straightner! Yes I am rich! Did i mention i was rich? I’m very rich…VERY…Call me at 1-800-jimiscok to date this hairy hair man”

The next video plays:

A lady is sitting on a coach with her head tilted to the left and drool is dripping from her mouth and her eyes are rolling back. Her hair is messed up, her face is very white, she looks like a zombie.

“…” Drool continues to drip…Drip…drip…drip…drip……..drip…..drip…..drip…drip…

An announcer comes on: “To date Eim Aloser, call 1-800-LOSER”

The next video plays:

Albert Gore is sitting still on the coach like a board with his hair combed back, with no expression on his face. He looks all purty and nice…

“Hi there fellow citizens. I am looking for a lifetime mate to accompany me in sexual intercourse. We will ‘Get it on’ and also ‘Do the nasty’ throughout the nighttime hours. If anyone fellow citizen is interested, please call…”

The video is cut off as the next video plays:

Bill Hardman is sitting in a XXX rated leather suit with a rubber wang sticking out of the front part of his pants. He’s got his hair combedback and a smile on his face.

“hey there sexxaaaayyyy ladies. Wanna date this hoooot man for the riiiide of chor life? We can do it allllll niiight looonng with my 9 incher!”

Suddenly a women is heard yellin in the background.

“HONEY! WHO ARE YA TALKIN TOO?”

Bill looks nervous. “No one…just mahself….”

“WELL COME TO BED. IF IT DOESN’T COME UP THIS TIME WE ARE GOING TO HALF TO USE VIAGRA. ALSO I BOUGHT YOU THAT PENIS PUMP YOU WANTED. IT’S GUARRENTEED TO WORK, YOUR SIZE PENIS CAN BE DOUBLED AND EVEN TRIPPLED! THAT MEANS A WHOLE 4 INCHES!”

Bill sighs as he turns off the camera.

The next video plays:

A girl is standing with a tight skank-like shirt, and a short SHORT dress. She has too much makeup, and a used condom is right next to her on the couch along with bras and stuff in the background.

“Hey yall…I’m Slutty…Slutty Bojangles. I want some men to marry me. NOW! My boyfriend was cheatin on me and i want to make his ass jealous! CALL ME NOW!”

A man can be heard.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP WOMEN! I’M TRYING TO FUCK YOUR SISTER!”

Slutty gets out a gun from behind the couch and walks off screen. A few minutes later a gun shot can be heard. She walks back on screen.

“Ok yall…i’m avaliable…i promise to be loyal!”

The camera turns off.

Scluckle Episode 2

The Cast:

 

Narrator ((speaking in the ( ) ))

 

Dacky!

 

jamescrapbond

 

Watson

 

MyRightTesticle

 

renismyname

 

ear

 

elmaismad

 

cako the portuguese porker

 

taco homless-man

 

(After the previous defeat of Scluckle by Dacky!, Scluckle has moved to the mysterious island of Caca. It all began with…ahh forget that boring stuff, on wit the action!)

 

jamescrapbond: whoever called squackle last time and let them in on our plans is going to die! WHO DONE IT?

 

They all shrug

 

(… like they REALLY scare me)

 

ear: what about the narrator, he knows all!

 

(yeah i also know you guys suck and couldn’t think your way out of a shit hole)

 

cako the portuguese porker: well, forget about it. lets get a new plan!

 

Watson: yeah! how are we going to get squackle?

 

taco homeless-man: lets eat em!

 

all of em say: no

 

elmaismad: how about we make somethin! Like scluckle soap!

 

ear: i like soap

 

ear gets backhanded by james

 

jamescrapbond: shut up! we’ll make an item that removes dirt off of people!

 

(suddenly, the idiotic stupid ass MyRightTesticle comes in)

 

MyRightTesticle: I’m not dat stupid!

 

Producer whispers to MyRightTesticle “your not suppose to hear the narrator”

 

MyRightTesticle: Who’s talkin? Oh it’s you guys! Hey I didn’t know you were in this movie also!

 

Producers and staff shake there heads, trying to shut him up. They finally throw a big bowling ball at him and it knocks him out.

 

jamescrapbond: annnnnnyyyyyyywaaaaaayyyyyyssss…we will make an item that washes dirt and stuff off peoples skin and we will make it EVIL!

 

(they laugh evily…i don’t get paid enough for this job)

 

ear: how will it be evil?

 

jamescrapbond backhands ear

 

jamescrapbond: shut up you! it will be evil! EVIL!

 

(fuck it stop laughin evily god damn!)

 

A few minutes later, Watson comes out carrying the Evil Soa..

 

jamescrapbond: EVIL BODY CLEANSER!

 

Sorry Evil “Body Cleanser” and it has the words marked EVIL inscribed upon the bar…how EVIL can you get…losers…

 

A few months later the soap

 

jamescrapbond: BODY CLEANSER!!!!!!

 

BODY CLEANSER is a big hit as it hits the markets. Dacky! doesn’t trust the soap

 

jamescrapbond: BODY CLEANSER!!!!!!!!!

 

and brings it to the Squackle center of underwear examination for testing.

 

After a few tests by lab genius stimpyismyname, the soap

 

jamescrapbond: BODY CLEANSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

is concluded to be extremely filled with caca, a special dark brown herb found on the secret and mysterious island of caca and is also concluded to be “EVIL”. Our Dacky! hero has few words to say about the evilness…

 

Dacky!: It’s very evil…

 

The news is filled with people falling down covered with EVILNESS from the whatever the hell it is, and dacky must find the cure. Dacky! flies off to caca island where he encounters his former enemies of scluckle.

 

jamescrapbond: so we meet again, Dacky! It’s time to once again call in SCLUCKLE MAN!

 

The ordinary chicken falls through the roof but is saved as he lands on MyRightTesticle’s head. The chicken lays the egg of evilness upon MyRightTesticle’s head as he awakens full of…of…EVIL!!!!!

 

Dacky!: Oh no he’s…he’s…EVIL

 

(no shit)

 

MyRightTesticle: what? what’d you mean? who’s evil? wtf is a chicken doin on my face!

 

MyRightTesticle throws the chicken at jamescrapbond. james tries to pull of matrix crap at the chicken lays eggs and flies through the air at him. It’s too late. The eggs hit him as he falls to the ground, defeated.

 

Dacky! clears the house as he beats up everyone. Fists fly everywhere and poop is thrown at Dacky!. Little does scluckle know that poop makes Dacky! turn into…DACKY!!. DACKY!! beats up everyone else really badly, were talkin bad bad.

 

elmaismad: fart

 

renismyname: poop we lost again…

 

taco homeless-man farts 3 times.

 

jamescrapbond: NOOOO YOU SET OFF THE PEPTO BISMOL OF DOOM VOLCANO THINGIE!

 

DACKY!!: wtf is that?

 

jamescrapbond: it’s bad…also it blows up the island…

 

A voice comes over the intercom: “You have activated the PEPTO BISMOL OF DOOM VOLCANO THINGIE. Prepare to blow off your ass. Thank you for buying Scluckle body cleanser. I hope you all die slowly and painfully…football practice has been cancelled due to the fact that i don’t wanna play football. Bye, go home.”

 

DACKY!! just flies away as the PEPTO BISMOL OF DOOM VOLCANO THINGIE sweeps the island. Yay, he saved the day. Go away.

 

(The End)

 

(::turns on soap operas::)

Jeoparty Episode 1

Trabek: blah blah blah, Sean Connery, pick.

Sean Connery: Animal Sounds for 100

Trabek: This is the sound a doggy makes.

Sean Connery: Moo

Trabek: No

Sean Connery: Well thats the sound your mother made last night

Trabek: OK, thats not necessary.

Burt Reynolds: Who is uh, Scooby-Doo.

Trabek: No

Burt Reynolds: That was a funny dog Scooby-Doo, he drove around in a van and solved mysteries.

Trabek: That is incorrect

Burt Reynolds: No thats correct. I remember, he had a pal Scrappy Doo.

Trabek: No

French Stewart: Who is John Caffey and the Beaver Brown Band thank you very much I’ll take animal sounds for 800.

Trabek: No! Good Lord! We would have excepted Bow-Wow, or Ruff.

Sean Connery: Ohhh Ruff, just how your mother likes it eh Trabek?

Trabek: C’mon that is way out of line-

(The “We are Experiencing Technical Difficulties” screen comes up, and goes on with the next show)

(end)