All posts by Holmes

Jimiscokfick Mycomnisory Arm Pit Hair Straightner

(a guy is walking by the TV screen when the announcer guy comes on)

 

Announcer: hey you!

 

Guy: who me?

 

Announcer: yes you, do you have unprotected sex?

 

Guy: what the fuck???

 

Announcer: why don’t you try the new Jimiscokfick Mycomnisory arm pit hair straightner? It will straighten your armpit hair in no time flat!

 

Guy: who the fuck wants that?

 

Announcer: .5% of the world does! Don’t you want to be part of that .5%?

 

Guy: …

 

Announcer: It;’s also proven to cause cancer and HIV and instant death, but WHO CARES? you’ll die with straight armpit hair!

 

Guy: umm..i gotta go, bye…

 

The Announcer takes out a taser and tasers the guy until he falls down.

 

Announcer: see? the Jimiscokfick Mycomnisory arm pit hair straightner could have prevented that!

 

The guy is twitching on the ground.

 

Announcer: buy it now…before i kill you…seriously…

Fat Remover

A woman is doing the dishes in her house when the announcer comes running behind her with a gun and puts it right against her back.

 

Announcer: FREEEZE OR I PUT SO MANY BULLETS UP YOUR ASS!

 

The lady freaks out and drops all the dishes on the floor.

 

Announcer: Well i’m going to shoot you…shoot you with lower prices!

 

The lady turns around.

 

Lady: WHAT THE HELL? WHO ARE YOU?

 

Announcer: I’ve come to show you the new Fat remover! It removes 99% of all body fat! Looks like you can use some!

 

The announcer pokes her belly. The lady slaps him HARD.

 

Announcer: OW! See that slap would have been harder if you had less fat on your fingers! I’m going to give you a low low cost of…$1,000 dollars! Yes, thats right, $1,000 dollars!

 

Lady: … GET OUTTA MY FREAKIN HOUSE!

 

Announcer: but wait! theres more! We’ll give you this makeup kit FREE, just for you!

 

The lady looks as the announcer takes out a paper bag with 2 eye holes in it. The announcer puts it over her head.

 

Announcer: your lookin better already!

 

The lady gets so mad her face turns red as she rips off the paper bag.

 

Lady: …GET….OUT….NOW! HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN HERE? LEAVE BEFORE I CALL MY HUSBAND! GET THE FUCK OUT!

 

Announcer: But wait, theres more!

 

Lady: Thats it! ALFRED! HELP ME THERES A ROBBER IN THE HOUSE!

 

Alfred (the husband) runs down and tackles the announcer guy. The announcer guy shoots Alfred.

 

Announcer: I was just getting to that! The new ultra blood soaker sponge thingie! It soaks up blood like you’ll never believe!

 

The anouncer guy pulls out the sponge from his pants and begins soaking up the blood. He soaks up all the blood from the wound.

 

Lady: HEY! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HI…hey that does soak up blood pretty good! How much for it?

 

Announcer: I’ll give it to you for free if you buy the fat remover! Plus the makeup kit for only $1,000!

 

Lady: Hmmm…can you do another demonstration? I’m not sure…

 

The announcer guy pulls out his gun and shoots alfred in the leg. He then soaks up all the blood with the very same sponge … O.o amazing.

 

Lady: hmmm…

 

Alfred: call…ambulan..ce…help…me…

 

Announcer: Yes we are helping you…SAVE MONEY! You loose fat, plus look beautiful, AND get a nice sparkly floor when you get shot several times! What a bargain! If you don’t call before the cops get here, you will loose your chance!

 

Alfred: he…lp…

 

The announcer kicks him in the head knocking him out. The lady gives the guy $1,000 dollars.

 

Announcer: you forget the tax and the shipping and handling and the interest and the…

 

The lady grabs the announcer guys gun and shoots him. She then grabs the sponge and soaks up the blood. Sirens can be heard in the background.

The Future of Napster

this is a bit dated, and it was made before Napster’s switch, so…pretend that Napster is still free, like it used to be…but is going to become a pay-service

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ha they want me to upgrade napster. I laugh at that…$1.00 a song and it tacks onto your phone bill then aliens take the bills, eat them and poop them out. The aliens’ body scans the phone bill for mistakes. Then they send them in easter egg capsules to earth where they put the phone bills into thos machines that to get a prize you have to grab it with the claw. Then phone companies try and win the game and get your phone bill and send them to you.

The AOL Theory

See AOL doesn’t stand for American On Line, it stands for Army Of Lithuanians. See Steve Case (creator of AOL) is actually a Lithuanian leader. See when you lag, it’s actually a computurized Amish Mafia thats helping the Lithuanians because there so much against technology. See, they nibble on your telephone wires (some, if not all get shocked and loose there teeth and there ability to have sex) causing you to lag off. Now steve case lays back and laughs why thousands of people lag off. Now the Lituanians get a daily report of how many people are looking at porno and how many people lag off and they send this report through telepathic powers to the moms and dads of america. Thats how they know when your looking at porno….

Why Doctors Are Called Quacks

“Doc” “Shrink” “Quack?” Why are doctors called quacks? My Doctor told me to take a bath in Oatmeal when I told him I had itchy skin. Now tell me, how is a doctor NOT a quack? I had a Math Teacher who couldn’t speak clearly and couldn’t teach (in fact he got fired from the excessive complaints). He wasn’t Mr. Jamin*…he was Dr. JAMIN*. Doctors are all around us. I mean look at the silly quotes they make up: “An Apple a Day Keeps the Doctor away.” Hell if that were true I’d eat more apples then Washington State ever had! I mean if you ever watch any commercials about medicine you’ll hear: ” 9 out of 10 doctors agree that so-and-so medicine works.” It seems to me that quacks can never make up there mind! It’s always 7 out of 10 or 18 out of 20, but never 20 out of 20! I bet the medicine companies had to bribe doctors to agree with each other, let alone actually support the medicine. Bottom line is: DOCTOR’S ARE QUACKS!

 

*His name was changed to keep him private and to hide his true stupidity to the outside world.

The George Carlin Theory

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating. . .you finish off as an orgasm.

The Snoopy-Snoop Dog Connection

I always figured snoop dogg was in some way connected to snoopy, the dog from Peanuts, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it…Then I finally realiazed something! They both have big ears! I figure they came from the same parents, which were Charley Brown and Lassie was snoopy’s mom and dad, but then charley got a divorce when he caught lassie cheating with rin tin tin. Then Charley Brown remarried to Xena, warrior princess. This is when Snoop Dogg was born. Xena left Charley Brown because she though he called her a “Good Grief”. She misunderstood the meaning of this and took it offensively. She then went out and married Hercules. Charley never told any of his sons how they were related and he slipped into depression. He began drinking heavily and saying good grief until he couldn’t hold on any longer. He packed his bags and went to Mexico changing his name to Don Carlos Browne.

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the snoopy snoop dog connection in other languages. Yayyy!

Spanish

¡Yo siempre figuré dogg de que snoop estaba en alguna manera conectada al snoopy, el perro de Manís, pero de yo no podría poner bastante el dedo en lo. ..Then yo finalmente realiazed algo! ¡Ellos ambos tienen orejas grandes! Figuro que ellos vinieron de los mismos padres, que era Charley se Tosta y Lassie era mamá de snoopy y papá, pero entonces charley obtuvo un divorcio cuando él estafar cogido de lassie con estaño de estaño de rin. Entonces Charley se Tosta remarried a Xena, princesa de guerrero. Esto es cuándo Snoop Dogg nacía. La izquierda de Xena Charley se Tosta porque ella aunque él le llamó una “Pena Buena”. Ella entendió mal el significar de este y lo tomó ofensivamente. Ella entonces salió y Hércules casado. Charley nunca dijo cualquiera de sus hijos cómo ellos fueron relacionados y él resbaló en la depresión. El comenzó a beber pesadamente y decir la pena buena hasta que él no pudiera aguantar cualquier más largo. El empacó sus bolsas y fue a México que cambia su nombre a Don Carlos Browne.

French

Je toujours ai calculé snoop dogg était à certains égards connecté à snoopy, le chien des Arachides, mais je pas tout à fait pourrais mettre mon doigt dessus. ..Then je finalement realiazed quelque chose! Ils les deux a de grandes oreilles! Je calcule ils sont venus des parents pareils, qui étaient Charley Brun et Lassie était snoopy mom et le papa, mais alors charley a reçu un divorce quand il a attrapé tricher de lassie avec l’étain d’étain de rin. Alors Charley remarried Brun à Xena, la princesse de guerrier. Ceci est quand Snoop Dogg était né. Xena part Charley Brun parce qu’elle bien qu’il l’a appelée un “le Bon Chagrin”. Elle misunderstood le sens de ceci et l’a pris choquamment. Elle est sorti alors et Hercules épousé. Charley n’a jamais dit n’importe quel de ses fils comment ils ont été relatés et il a glissé dans la dépression. Il a commencé à boire lourdement et la maxime bon chagrin jusqu’à ce qu’il ne pourrait pas tenir sur plus long. Il a emballé ses sacs et est allé à changer de Mexique son nom à Don Carlos Browne.

German

Ich habe snoop dogg in mancher Hinsicht an snoopy, der Hund von Erdnüssen immer gerechnet war hat angeschlossen, aber ich könnte nicht sehr meinen Finger darauf stellen. ..Then ich schließlich realiazed etwas! Sie haben beide große Ohren! Ich rechne sie von den gleichen Eltern, die Charley Braun und Lassie waren, Mutti snoopy und Vater sind gekommen war, aber dann hat charley eine Scheidung erhalten, als er lassie gefangen hat, der mit rin Zinn Zinn betrügt. Dann Charley Braun remarried zu Xena, Krieger Prinzessin. Dies ist, als Snoop Dogg geboren war. Xena verlassen Charley Braun weil sie, obwohl er sie ein “Guter Gram” gerufen hat. Sie hat das Bedeuten von diesem mißverstanden und hat es anstößig genommen. Sie ist aus und verheiratet Hercules dann gegangen. Charley hat irgendein von seinen Söhnen nie erzählt, wie sie verwandt waren, und er ist in Depression gerutscht. Er hat begonnen, schwer zu trinken, und Spruch von gutem Gram, bis er auf irgendeinem längeren nicht halten könnte. Er hat seine Säcke eingepackt und ist nach Mexiko Änderung sein Name zu Don Carlos Browne gegangen.

Italian

Ho calcolato sempre il dogg di snoop era in alcuna maniera collegata allo snoopy, il cane dalle Arachidi, ma non potrei mettere completamente il mia dito su esso. ..Then io finalmente il realiazed qualcosa! Loro entrambi l’ha gli orecchia grandi! Calcolo sono venuti dagli stessi genitori, che erano Charley Marrone e Lassie era il mom dello snoopy ed il babbo, ma poi il charley ha preso un divorzio quando ha preso ingannare di lassie con lo stagno di stagno di rin. Poi Charley il remarried Marrone a Xena, la principessa di guerriero. Questo è quando Snoop Dogg era nato. Lo Xena Charley sinistro Marrone perché lei nonostante l’ha chiamata un “dolore Buono”. Ha frainteso il significato di quest’e l’ha portato offensivamente. È uscita poi ed Hercules sposato. Il Charley non ha mai detto qualunque di suoi figli come erano raccontati ed ha scivolato nella depressione. Ha iniziato a bere pesantementemente ed il detto dolore buono finché non potrebbe tenere su qualunque più lungo. Ha fatto le valigie le sue borse ed è andato a cambiare di Messico il suo nome a Don Carlos Browne.

Norwegian

Jeg alltid beregnet snoop dogg var på noen måter koplet til snoopyhunden fra Peanøttermen jeg ikke helt kunne anbringe min finger på det..then jeg til slutt realiazed noe! De begge har store øre! Jeg beregner de kom fra de samme foreldrenesom var Charley Brun og Lassie var snoopys mamma og pappamen da charley fikk en skilsmisse da han fanget lassie som snyter med rin tinntinn. Da Charley Brun remarried til Xenakrigerprinsesse. Dette er når Snoop Dogg var født. Xena venstre side Charley Brun fordi hun skjønt han kalte henne enGod Sorg. Hun misunderstood det betyende av dette og tok det anstøtelig. Hun da drog ut og giftet seg med Hercules. Charley aldri fortalte noe av hans sønner hvordan de ble fortalt og han glapp inn i depresjon. Han begynte å drikke tungt og ordspråk god sorg til han ikke kunne holde på noe lengre. Han pakket inn hans sekker og drog til Mexico forandring hans navn til Don Carlos Browne.

Portuguese

Eu sempre imaginei dogg de snoop estava em algum meio ligou a snoopy, para o cachorro de Amendoim, mas mim bem nao podia por o meu dedo em ele. ..Then eu finalmente realiazed algo! Eles ambos têm orelhas grandes! Imagino vieram dos mesmos pais, que eram Charley Lassie Marrom era mom do snoopy e papai, mas então charley recebeu um divórcio quando pegou cheating de lassie com estanho de estanho de rin. Então Charley remarried Marrom a Xena, princesa de guerreiro. Isto é quando Dogg de Snoop nascia. O Xena Charley esquerdo Marrom porque ela embora chamou seu um “Boa Mágoa”. Ela misunderstood o querer dizer deste e tomou ofensivamente. Ela então saiu e Hercules casado. O Charley nunca contou qualquer dseus filhos como eles foram relacionados e escorregou em depressão. Começou bebida pesadamente e ditado boa mágoa até que ele nao podia agarrar-se mais. Empacotou suas sacolas e foi a mudança de México seu nome a Browne de Carlos de Don.

The Cheese Wrapper Theory

You know those Cheese Squares that come in those hard to open plastic wrappers? Those aren’t what you think they are. There actually spy cameras that have been sent here by the Canadian UnSpecial Forces and The Mexican Salsa Dancers Union. The cameras (“cheese singles”) are sold to house holds and plan to take over your fridge. You might be like: “Whoa wait a minute, MY fridge?” Yes YOUR Fridge. They plan to start a war (they are also robots) and blast everything in your fridge so it goes bad and gets all rotten and ucky and disgusting. Those lumps when your milk goes bad are the cheese’s poop. Notice how there always sold in packs and never in singles? And why are they so hard to open? It’s EASY! They just want you to throw the “cheese squares” in the fridge while they zap all your other food and make it go rotten…

Lean Pockets vs. Hot Pockets

Beware, next time you go to the store and go to the freezer aisle and see “Lean Pockets” next to “Hot Pockets”. What is this “Lean”? I want my damn POCKETS FREAKIN HOT not LEAN! Lean, I believe, is an evil fruit grown next to beans that comes from Carrot top’s garden. Bean sellers are running out of Beans so they need cheap imitations and so Carrot top came up with a cheap imitation: “Leans”. Leans are round and fluffy and look like fat jamacan when pumped up. The fruit plans to make us talk in weird JFK accents and make us look like Chunks from the movie: “The Goonies”. They ARE EVIL! If you see FAT JAMACANS RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

Microwave Popcorn Theory

How long does it take to get all the popcorn’s popped? After serious amounts of time waisted and a series of failed expirements resulting in the kitchen flooded with Gas of burnt popcorn, I have finally waisted all my time to finally conclude this: Nothing. I have realized over and over that there is no possible way to get all the popcorns popped. Microwave popcorn is the number one cause for house fires and heart attacks and syphillis or insanity. Yes it’s true. There has been also some evidence in Bosnia and Britain that Microwave Popcorn causes the Ebola Virus. Anyways what the popcorn does is it spends about 3:00 minutes of your life watching a stupid thing inflate. This causes you to have anxiety to jump in the microwave, eat the popcorn and get severly burnt.

Also the “Popping” sound isn’t what you think it is. It’s actually a secret code thats transferred to your body. This code says to your body: “Cho mama is so fat, she brushes her teeth wit BUTTER.” Now your body gets all mad and trys to fight it off and shut it up. This causes you to go insane or get syphillis. I’m already insane so I wasn’t affected by the popcorns evil deeds. Beware, the popcorn has something popin up! Get it? Something Popin’ up? You don’t get it do you? Forget it, it’s over your head….

The Ship-Bottle Theory

Now everyone HAS to know how they do it. It’s SO simple. You know what Milk does right? And what does Kix, the cereal, does? They make people GROW right? So, all they have to do is make the opposite of Milk and Kix. They make a formula called Mlik and Punchz. Mlik and Punchz are the opposite of Milk and Kix and they help things Shrink. They feed a ship Mlik and Punchz and the ship shrinks. They then take the ship, wash the poop deck with shit with a sailor who was also shrunk with the ship and they shove the ship and the sailor into a bottle and cork it up. Now the sailor cleans the ship forever in that bottle. How could you not KNOW this?

The Heaven Hell Theory

Is there such thing as Heaven and Hell? Well, Heaven and Hell aren’t what you think they are. Heaven isn’t some Blue wonderful world with puffy white clouds and people playing Harmonicas. Also they don’t have cute little wings and those yellow circle thingies on there head. Heaven is actually, believe it or not, Candy Land. Yes, it is that board game. I mean why wouldn’t it be? It makes sense, doesn’t it? Candy=Everyone LOVES Candy (except for those weird people that give candy OUT on Halloween…what is up with that)? and Land=uh…it’s…uh…land…made out of…candy…Yeah that’s it, Land made out of candy. And people eat away at the land and when the people eat ALL the candy they drop down to hell for being so greedy. Now Hell is not some flaming hot red place with people running around naked with big red buts. No, it’s a series of tortures. Like the: “Beeping computer torture.” This torture is one of the worst of all time. A person sits at a computer and turns it on. The computer beeps. So the person tries and tries and TRYS to fix it but no matter what, it will still keep beeping and beeping and beeping (it drives them on the brink of insanity). Another torture is the “Brady Bunch Torture” where you watch every single gay episode of the Brady Bunch. This turns you fruity and insane…And yet 1 more torture is the “Pick up Machine Torture”. Ever goes to those arcades and go to that machine with the claw where you put money into and try to grab one of those toys with the claw? Now IMAGINE doing that for ETERNITY and NEVER EVER picking up one of those toys with the claw! Ugh that’s HORRIBLE! Who ever thought up tortures like this? Anyways you are FORCED to do it for eternity…I’ve just officially grossed my self out with thinking of these tortures, I’m done…

The End of the World Theory

No no no, i’m sick of all this comet and ice melting crap…the world isn’t going to end like that, see…the goverment of every country will give money to people and the people will run to the casino’s and spend it all…so the whole world goes bankrupt, but then all the casino’s in the world will flood with money and all the people will drown by getting coins and stuff down there throat. When the coins hit the ground, the aliens (who can hear a pin…i mean pants drop from long distances…) think the sound of a coin drop is someone dropping there pants and mooning them…and flashing your ass to aliens is a serious offense and you get your ass chopped off and forced to eat Laxatives (stuff that makes you poop A LOT) and be forced to look at a toilet….the horror….anyways the aliens come and give everyone in the world a purple nurple(twisting your nipple) and a kick in the ass. Now everyone is getting kicked and having aching nipples and so they start a moon war, where who can blind the most enemy eyes with one ass. Now it would be a hard war to win but eventually an old Alien guy called Bubba Lubba Fat Ass Tubba Witha Bubba Tummy Tom would show his big ass and the whole human race will go blind and they’ll be forced to watch…i mean listen too porno movies with out picture (cause there blind) and they’ll kill themselves and the aliens will rule the earth. It’s the truth…

The Big Slap Theory

See the world didn’t begin with a big bang, it began with a big smack. God smacked the devil because the devil was beating him at twister. So god, with his bad sportsman ship and all, said: “I condemm you to be a Human” and the devil said: “NOOOOOOOOO oh well, as long as I get blunts and girls and superbowl’s” So then God smacked him and it created the devil to fart 9 times, each fart let out a planet. (Of course, he farted out venus first cause he just ate a chilly dog with extra cheese) and earth was the last one to pop out. Then god smacked him down to earth and thats how it all began.

USA: Destruction of the Twin Towers and Such

In my years of living here in America, I have questioned what it’s done and could have done, should have done and would have done. Although my views of America were questionable, I believe the attack on the Pentagon and the World Trade Center, was totally uncalled for and unnecessary. What terrorist’s believe to have been the start of America’s downfall, it actually turned out to be an uprising. America’s spirit’s have risen greatly and it’s a shame that it took this incident to do so. Never have I seen Americans’ work together so greatly, donating blood, digging through rubble and so on. When I heard these events, I almost cried. The horror was part of it, but also the joy of a nation actually working together. The world, in fact, working together. Hearing the apologies from all the countries including England and Canada made this world seem more united. The unexpected help from Russia also made me content. I went to work and realized I couldn’t get my paycheck because of the airplane ban. What did I think about it? I didn’t care. I did not care in the least bit. I went home, grabbed my American flag, and hung it outside. That’s the effect the terrorists made on me. The anger is there, no doubt, against the people who did this and helped do this. I think about the people in the buildings and in the planes, as they new in a few minutes they were going to be killed. That they would never see their love ones again. I can’t imagine being those people, I can’t imagine suffering in that way. I hope that if there is a heaven, they go there and if there isn’t a heaven, I hope one is created for them. They deserved none of this whatsoever. Terrorism never helps anything except the death toll. The death of innocent victims is just wrong. No other way about it. The people that did this deserve the punishment that comes to them, but all I ask is that they suffer for it. A quick death would be too short. My disgruntled ways against George W Bush are over, I cheer for him now as I would for anyone else in office looking for action against the terrorists. We cannot let the terrorists win, and winning doesn’t just involve barrages of terrorism, it involves the idea that the “losing side” (The term losing is used as in the side that just took in the biggest hit from the opposing side) is losing hope and faith in their society. If we think that, we have lost the war. If we imagine that, we have lost the war. If we stand up after we have been hit, we have won the war. War is what it has come to, I feel. But a different kind of war, a war against terrorism. That war will surely deliver a blow to the evil in the world and will greatly lift the good side. I believe in the American Dream now my friends, and that dream is defeating the evil in the world one step at a time. Now that’s a dream that doesn’t take a fairy tale to come true, but rather united nations and people. I am proudly one of those people.