Tag Archives: United States

Other Junk

FAQ About Australia

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These are from potential visitors to Australia. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a snide sense of humor.

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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets, especially The Taipans.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Screwed Up Chronicles, World

USA: “Blame” In American Society

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Americans have a tendency to shift the “blame” of something on to something else.

Examples:

– “Homosexuality is biological. Its not my fault I’m gay! It’s the way I was born!”

– “It wasnt my fault I killed my friend, that movie/video game/tv show/song made me do it!”

– “I don’t know where my child learned how to shoot his teachers. It must have been those video games, not me beating my child or my horrible parenting skills!”

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It doesn’t stop there, either. Global warming — its the corporations fault that they aren’t building better cars! Not ours!

Typically when you are “blamed” for something, in American society, you never want to take that blame — it HAS to be something else. and that is typically the social institution, genetics, or big corporations.

In more particular with homosexuality, there is a large part of the community that seems to want to pass their sexual preference off as basic to the genetic level. They were built that way — not socialized or events in their life that make their brains wire differently in that department after the fact. I personally find it a bunch of horse shit, and its just a way to shift the “blame” onto something else that is out of their “control.”

The only reason its gaining any steam is because there is still a stigma against gay/lesbian people, that that community seems to want to find themselves a scapegoat. They can’t blame society since not everyone is a gay/lesbian. They can’t blame corporations, since they’re too busy trying to make money, not caring that individual people with individual lives/circumstances actually exist. So it has to be genetics! Great! That’s an easy target, since NO ONE UNDERSTANDS THAT SHIT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Jokes

Joke #9256: Pope On the Ropes

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During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media.

The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.

A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, and discouraged, and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.

Incredulous, one reporter asked, “But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed.”

Exasperated, the Pope answered, “Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments.”