SERGEANT: “Tell me, soldier, what is the first thing you do when cleaning a rifle?”
PRIVATE: “I take a look at the serial number.”
SERGEANT: “Why do you look at the number, meathead?”
PRIVATE: “To make darn sure I’m cleaning my own rifle.”
Tag Archives: number
riefbul
riefbul – n. the name for the number 13764942318
numberology
numberology – n. the study of numbers
Things That Take Too Long to Learn
1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
3. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
4. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
5. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
6. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
7. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
8. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”
9. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
10. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle or in some cases, really bad make-up too.
11. You should not confuse your career with your life.
12. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.
13. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
14. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
15. Your true friends love you, anyway.
16. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
—————————————-
Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
“First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which soul! s enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will i ncrease until all Hell breaks loose.
2) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, “…that it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you”, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in getting a date with her. Then #2 above cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze over.”
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A”
The Number 5
The Number 4
The Number 3
The Number 2
The Number 1
Die Clown DIE!
Prologue: Camera Man Gets a Dumb-Assignment
“Mr. Zog, please come in here,” Mr. Zog’s boss said. Mr. Zog doesn’t look too thrilled as he gets up from his desk and starts to walk to his boss’s office.
“Ooh, somebody’s gonna get it now!” Mr. Zog could hear from a distance as he walked into his boss’s office.
“Ah, Mr. Zog! I have a special assignment for you. You are going to test our latest and greatest camera, and it doesn’t weigh anything at all. We can connect it to your brain and eyes and it’ll have your thoughts recorded along with what you are seeing, when you turn it on. Walk to your left and the surgeons will begin surgery.” Mr. Zog looked sad, and walked toward the door.
“Oh, wait, here’s your first assignment” Mr. Zog’s boss said as he handed him the assignment and then said “See ya later,” when Mr. Zog walked through the door, his boss then mumbled, “Wouldn’t wanna be ya”
Chapter 1: Goin’ On a Clown Hunt
“Great, just great. I’m stuck with two so called ‘cops’ out to arrest clowns. What an assignment my boss gave me, sheesh, and I haven’t even seen these guy’s faces,” thought Mr. Zog, as he sat in the back seat of the “police” car.
He then said, “Hello everybody, I’m on assignment with Sheriff Wimplespoon, and Deputy Jimmy Jones of the Ump Town Police Department in New Jersey, hunting for clowns.”
Deputy Jimmy Jones then added “That’s right, there are many, many types of clowns. Alien Clowns, Vampire Clowns, Ghost Clowns, but today we’re going to hunt down one of the most vicious types of clown in the world…..the ones who smoke cigarettes!”
The computer in the car started to beep. That means there is a sighting of a clown.
The computer beeped and said, “Clown that smokes cigarettes sighted at some no-name café place. Please report to Second Street and Slushy Boulevard!!! NOW!!!”
Sheriff Wimplespoon looked at Deputy Jimmy Jones, and said “Let’s roll!” as Sheriff Wimplespoon went top speed, and put on a Ricky Martin CD.
Mr. Zog yells, “AAARRGGHH!!!! NOT RICKY MARTIN!!!!!! TURN IT OFF!!! TURN IT OFF!!! PPPPLLEEEAAASSEEE!!!!!”
Sheriff Wimplespoon looks back at the Camera Man in disgust, “Shut up, you’re interrupting ‘Cup of Life’!”
Mr. Zog, thinking to himself, says, “I can’t take this punishment! I can only hope we get there soon….”
Chapter 2: Doughnut and Coffee Break
Suddenly the Police Car stopped.
Then the Mr. Zog said, “Hey, what is this place??”
Sheriff Wimplespoon replied, “Don’t worry, we’re stopping at Doughnut Palace for some doughnuts and we’ll be right back.” Deputy Jimmy Jones has an evil grin on his face and he licked his lips. Mr. Zog looked at the two officers like they were crazy, which they were, looked down at the floor and shaked his head from side to side, saying ‘sad’ over and over again.
Chapter 3: Bloody Biscuits
Sometime while Mr. Zog was waiting, he actually started missing the two stupid cops. So he got out of the car and walked toward the Donut Shop. Inside he saw the two cops talking about something, and as he walked in, they stopped talking.
The doughnut man walked by Mr. Zog in his tutu, and Sheriff Wimplespoon then said, with his mouth full, “I thought you were staying in the car” Mr. Zog couldn’t reply, because he was looking at the big ring of powder and frost on their lips.
He finally said, “Uh, um, yeah, uh, ok…” Then he walked over to the table the cops were sitting at and sat down with them.
Mr. Zog asks as he looked down at the ‘doughnuts’, “Hey, what kind of doughnuts are those?” Sheriff Wimplespoon looked at Deputy Jimmy Jones with a nervous look on his face. Then he replied, saying, “Uh, they are, umm, jelly donuts…yeah that’s it! Jelly donuts! You can’t see the jelly till you…eat…it…”
Mr. Zog replied, “Don’t mind if I do” as he reached and picked up one of the donuts.
Sheriff Wimplespoon looked a little scared as Mr. Zog chomped away at the doughnuts.
Sheriff Wimplespoon then said, “Hey, slow down, foo! Save some for us!” Right after Sheriff Wimplespoon said that, Mr. Zog made a few choking sounds and put his hands across his neck. Deputy Jimmy Jones has a bewildered look on his face.
Mr. Zog managed to say, “Ch…o….k…i…nn..gg…” But, as soon as he said that a lot of blood started coming out from his mouth, and the last thing that he could remember was that the cops had took out a syringe of some kind….
Chapter 4: Smells Like Clowns…or Cheap Coffee
Mr. Zog woke up just as the police car gets to the café. Sheriff Wimplespoon turned off the car, Ricky Martin music going dead, everybody unloads, except Mr. Zog who got out sort of dizzy. This was the first time Mr. Zog got a glimpse of the two cops he was with. Sheriff Wimplespoon was a chubby man, that had brown hair with white streaks in it, he looked around 50 years old. Deputy Jimmy Jones, on the other hand, was a tall man, with black hair, long legs, and long fingers. His eyes almost looked like an alien’s in the night. The officers turned away from Mr. Zog and started to walk toward the café.
Chapter 5: Clown in Café Gets Beat Up
For no reason Sheriff Wimplespoon said, “By the way what’s you name?”
Mr. Zog hesitated for a moment and said, “Uhhhh, umm…..Mr. Zog”
Sheriff Wimplespoon said, “Oh, that’s a nice name, Mr. Zog,” just as they walked through the door.
Deputy Jimmy Jones yelled, “THERE HE IS!! THERE’S THE CLOWN!!! GET HIM!!!” The clown looked up at the officers with a dumb look, and the cigarette dropped out of his mouth into his lap, just as the officers tackled the clown to the floor. The clown kicked his feet all over the place.
“What are you DOING???? I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!!!!” Sheriff Wimplespoon yelled, “SHUT UP!!!! WE KNOW YOUR GAME!!! YOU ARE SILLY GOOSE POOP THE CLOWN, AND YOU SMOKE CIGARETTES!!! SO WE MUST ARREST YOU!!!!”
Chapter 6: Silly Chit Chat
The Clown says, “I’m NOT going!!!!!!”
Sheriff Wimplespoon says, “YES YOU ARE!!!”
“I’m NOT going!!!!!!”
“YES YOU ARE!!!”
“I’m NOT going!!!!!!”
“YES YOU ARE!!!”
“I’m NOT going!!!!!!”
“YES YOU ARE!!!”
Chapter 7: The Torture of It All
After about an hour of saying, “I’m not going”, and “yes you are”, the cops get the clown into the police car.
Silly Goose Poop the Clown says, “What are you going to do to me???”
Deputy Jimmy Jones says, “We’re going to take you to the station, beat you, put you on scary rides at an amusement park, make you watch 24 hours of Barney. Then put you through the ‘It’s a small world after all’ ride 1000 times, take your rubber nose and stomp on it, tickle you, trip you, leg drop you. To top it off, make you listen to Whitney Houston for a week, slam your head against a wall a couple of times, whip you, punch you, bite you, step on your brand new rubber shoes, set your hair on fire, make you watch Spanish Wrestling, and the Creme de la Creme, kill you, if you’re not already dead.”
Silly Goose Poop the Clown looked unhappy and said, “Does it have to be a 1000 times?”
Deputy Jimmy Jones said, “No, we’ll make it 10,000, just for you.” Silly Goose Poop the Clown rolled his eyes and says, “Gee, thanks…..”
Deputy Jimmy Jones nodded with an evil grin and says, “You’re welcome.”
Chapter 8: Fresh Meat
When they got to the police station there was a crowd of clowns rioting against the harsh treatment of clowns.
Sheriff Wimplespoon gets out, smiled, licked his lips and said, “Fresh meat” and got Silly Goose Poop the Clown out of the car and pushed through the crowd with Deputy Jimmy Jones holding Silly Goose Poop the Clown’s legs.
Chapter 9: A Sad Little Room With One Window
Once they got in to a dark little room with cement walls they threw the clown against the wall, he made a splat against the wall and dropped down.
Sheriff Wimplespoon looked at Mr. Zog and said, “We’ll be right back. You stay here, Mr. Zog.” Deputy Jimmy Jones and the Sheriff walked outside, and through the only window in the whole room, a bright light flickered a lot, and stays on for a while. There are a lot of screams until the light turned off.
After a few minutes the Sheriff and the Deputy came back in and punched the clown in the kidneys.
The Sheriff turned to Mr. Zog and said, “Let’s go to a night club. We’ll let the other officers torture him for a while.”
Chapter 10: Cop Steps in Poo
On his way to the car, Deputy Jimmy Jones said, “Ah, crap”
The Sheriff looked at Deputy Jimmy Jones and says, “What is it?”
Deputy Jimmy Jones says, “I stepped in poo….now my new steel toes with rocket boosters are smelly….they cost a lot of moolah.”
Chapter 11: The Hippie Clowns that Sing on the Front Lawn
“Sorry, guys, we won’t be going to the night club just yet. We need to make a stop at some old lady’s front yard. Some hippie clowns are there.” Sheriff Wimplespoon said, with an annoyed tone. When they got to the old lady’s front lawn there were some singing clowns and a lady that was screaming.
Sheriff Wimplespoon then said, “This isn’t a pretty sight, stay in here, it won’t be too long.” The Sheriff gets out of the car goes over to the lady, shoots her, then shoots the clowns with his gun and comes back to the car.
“See, I told you it wouldn’t take long.” Sheriff Wimplespoon added as he turned the car on.”
Chapter 12: Oh, Puppy Poo
When the police officers got out of the car, they made their way almost to the night club doors, when Deputy Jimmy Jones tripped over a puppy, into some puppy poo, face first.
Mumbling through the poo, Deputy Jimmy Jones says, “I’m like a poo magnet…”
Chapter 12: Die Clowns DIE!
Mr. Zog, Deputy Jimmy Jones, and Sheriff Wimplespoon later find themselves at a party.
Mr. Zog thinks to himself, “Oh boy, oh boy! I hope there are some hot chicks here!” But unfortunately for him he finds that this was a clown’s night club. There was a guy, named Vanilla Clown, that was singing his song “Clown, Clown, Baby.” “CLOWN, CLOWN, BABY…..CLOWN, CLOWN, BABY ” says Vanilla Clown. Sheriff Wimplespoon takes out his .44 and shoots it in the air. The clown stops singing and everybody looks to where the gun shots were.
Sheriff Wimplespoon then yells, “YOU’RE ALL UNDER ARREST!!! BUT THEN AGAIN, SINCE YOU ALL SMOKE, YOU DESERVE TO DIIIIEEEE!!!!” Sheriff Wimplespoon points his .44 at the nearest clown he sees and has a smile on his face.
Chapter 13: Fresh Meat, Full of Lead
“BLAM, BLAM!” Went the gun and, as the bullets made contact with the clown it was going for, it made a sickening cccrrackk.
Deputy Jimmy Jones then yelled over the fire, “Sheriff, there are too many!”
Sheriff Wimplespoon spoke into his little walkie talkie on his shoulder and yelled, “Mass Clown Cult!! We need Reinforcements immediately!!!” Within a few seconds a whole squad of cops came in with flame-throwers and rifles.
Sheriff Wimplespoon then yelled, “HIT THEM WITH EVERYTHING YOU GOT!!!” Then a stupid officer gets out from the line with his flame-thrower and burns a whole lot of clowns. They all said, “MELLLLTTINNGG….MMEELLLTTTINNGG” except for one who said it in Spanish. Somewhere through the battle four ninja turtles and two monster things were shot while fighting each other….
Chapter 14: Later That Night
Sheriff Wimplespoon shook the hands of all the officers that participated in the “glorious” event as he said it.
Sheriff Wimplespoon then yelled, “Good job everybody, you see anymore clowns, you shoot them, you hear me? Homee Gz!” Just about then, Mr. Zog came out of the building and said, “Wow, that was actually fun, and I liked taking all the money that wasn’t burned and shot with a bullet through from the clowns wallets, and drank a whole lot o’ beer…..uuugghh….I don’t feel to good” And the last thing he could remember was falling into the arms of Sheriff Wimplespoon….
Chapter 15: Adventures in CameraLand
In Mr. Zog’s dream he’s running away from a flying craft of some sort, but it was in a shadow. Except that it had bright lights on the sides of it. He’s screaming something, but he can’t understand what, and behind him are two figures chasing after him. Which looked like the two cops. The flying thing sped up, and a very bright light came from the middle of it to the ground, and sucked Mr. Zog up, and then, and then, and then…..Mr. Zog woke up, screaming, “AAAAHHHH!!!!” Mr. Zog looked around and calmed down.
Chapter 16: AWeird Sack of Puppy Poo and Aliens Don’t Have Noses
Deputy Jimmy Jones ran toward him and said, “Hey, why’d you scream?” But before Mr. Zog could reply, Deputy Jimmy Jones tripped over a bag, clearly marked, “Weird Sack of Puppy Poo.” Mr. Zog looked up and said, “Uhhh….nightmare….” Deputy Jimmy Jones said, “Oh ok” as he got up, turned away, but looked back, and started peeling his face off. Mr. Zog screamed and backed up against the wall, as Deputy Jimmy Jones takes off all of his skin, and what he was….was….he was….an….an……alien!!!! The alien screeched, “I want your nose!!! I don’t have a nose, so I want yours!!!” Mr. Zog yelled and screamed, and everything gets all “snowy.”
Epilogue: Unsolved Mysteries Takes Things From America’s Most Wanted
The Unsolved Mysteries guy focused into view from a TV screen next to him and said, “That was the captured footage of the clown abducting aliens. We still do not know what has happened to the Camera Man, Sheriff Wimplespoon, Deputy Jimmy Jones, Silly Goose Poop the Clown or the crowd of disturbed, disgruntled, hairy faced, nose picking, arm-pit scratching, booger-eating, Backstreet Boy loving clowns who have excruciatingly severe body odor and back hair, outside expressing their anger outside the police station. If you have any information at all, please dial us at, 1-900-WESUCK1. All charges are charged to you, ‘cause we are cheap and don’t have any money, and out 1-800 numbers just turn into 1-900 numbers after a few minutes like that psychic phone line thing. Um….ok, bye….”
Epilogue 2: Squigginsquash, Squibblepumpkin, See ya later!
Two people and a puppy come into focus. The person on the right says, “Hi, my name is Woo!” The other person then said, “My name is Hoo!” They then both said in unison, “And this is Sergeant Scruff.” The little puppy gives a little howl. Woo and Hoo then sang together, “Now’s the time to say good byyyeee” As the Woo and Hoo said bye the puppy gave a howl. Then Woo and Hoo stop singing and said, “So, bye.” Then they walk away.
So Goes the Mob
“It’s been two years since I joined the mob, but it feels like forever. I ain’t that good at this sort of stuff so don’t be all up in my face about being weird OK?” says Patrick to the psychologist. “I’ve only just begun to talk about my life so just whatever you do, do not interrupt me.”
“Alright, I won’t say much, but every once in awhile I might need to intervene and talk to you about this and that. But please continue. Tell me how it all started.”
“It started like this”
‘I was thirteen; just became a teenager. I saw these weird mimes. All they did was just stay in this invisible box. They were really dumb. Then I saw some guys in black coats. All of a sudden they took out machine guns and killed the mimes. It was kinda funny only because the mimes were still trying to be in the box and were still smiling when they died. Later I learned the mimes were actually a part of the infamous gang, the Evil Mime People, EMP.
‘I didn’t like those mimes, so I joined the Evil Mime People Killers, EMPK. They were another gang devoted to killing the EMP. I only started when I finally got to kill my first EMP. The problem was that my partner was a stupid parrot who could hold a nail in his mouth. The parrot’s name was Squacky.
‘He talked too much, and all he talked about was how his beak was the color purple, though it was actually yellow. I made friends with a magical blue dwarf, whose name was Bob. Bob likes monkeys, so he got one. The monkey can only say “monkey”, but it’s a really funny monkey. The monkey ate Squacky, so I really like the monkey now.
‘Bob, his monkey Bobby, and I went out to get our mime. The mime’s name was Fishydaft, a common mime name. We saw Fishydaft at the movie theater and he was on a break, eating a moose sandwich. We got out of the car and Bob went to the right, Bobby went to the left, and I went straight forward. Fishydaft saw me, and he took out a big thingy that looked like a boot. It was. I ran forward and so did the others.
‘BAM! We all hit Fishydaft with our remote controls. Bobby then ate Fishy’s moose sandwich. Bob reported to base and we got 500 dollars each. It was in monopoly money, but it’s better than nothing. We went out to celebrate.
‘I called the Mooseycheesemuffin Restraunt. I ate a cheese sandwich, Bob ate a muffin, and Bobby ate a moose sandwich, again. We paid with our monopoly money and they sent us to the back to wash dishes for our payment. While we were washing, I saw a mime out side. I told the other two, and we stopped washing and went for the door. The mime was easy to catch, and we put him in our car and took him to base.
‘Our scientists conducted experiments on him, and found out that the EMP were planning to go to the Really Big Carnival Thingy and mime there. We were put on this mission and took some super mime eating binders. While going to the carnival, we saw a cow. We decided it should come with us to go on some rides. Her name was Cowie. She ate Bobby, but we got over it. Now we were at the carnival when this funny thing happened. I had to eat a duck for some reason. So, I went to the duck stand and bought one. I ate it and it tasted like a gooseduck, a crossbreed of a goose and a duck. I was infuriated. All I could do was kill the guy who sold it to me. Then I was arrested for having a cow that could eat monkeys, but I got out for being a member of DA, Doughnuts Anonymous.
‘We now could get those EMPs. I was the first to see them. They were doing that stupid box thing and I yelled, “Get down on the ground and drop those invisible fish.” Bob said, “Eat magical blue dwarven phones.” Then suddenly a moose was being chased by a gangster of the cheese Mafia. Cowie said, “mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooose.” I noticed that he was Moose D. Cloun; the famous circus idiot.”
I asked him for his autograph and he said, “Duh, OK. Let me eat my cheeeeeeeeeese first. There you go. Bye.” Bob had already phoned the mimes to death, so I ate a cheese poof; it was the best I have had in one week. I then went to the Mooseycheesemuffin Restraunt. Bob and I had the same as last time. But then it happened. There were 50 EMPs and only 2 EMPKs. We were outnumbered and outfishied. They stormed in and started doing their stupid box thingy once again. That just made me mad; as mad as a moose who sees a cheese covered Muffinman. I pulled out a big Algebra book and started to kill them by reading algebraic equations. That made them even worse. They then tried, poorly I might add, to climb and invisible rope. I was, along with Bob, so scared I peed my pants, and said, “Nooooooooooooo, not that, anything but that. Fortunately, I had a spare mime eating binder left from the Really Big Carnival Thingy. What a relief, now I could sit back, eat my cheese sandwich- mmmmmmm, cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeese- and enjoy the melodic sound of mime eating binders doing their job. Uh oh. 3 mimes got away. Cowie, Bob, and I chased after them.
“You won’t get away this time,” I yelled. “Wait, I know. I can attract them by singing their favorite song ‘Monkey Go Poof’.” And so I sang and sang and sang and sang and sang and sang till I had to stop and take breather. Both my team and the mimes waited until I had my breath back. After 30 minutes I asked the others if they wanted to watch a movie. They responded with a gracious and humble yes. So I took them all to see Barney (the stupid guy in a dinosaur costume finally stops singing ‘I love you’ and starts to work on Sesame Street).
“It got two thumbs down. It’s supposed to be really stupid. So what are you waiting for, let’s go in.” When we get in, we are the only people there and the mimes say in sign language, “Lets sit in the front row and look up the entire time.” We all agree to this, of course. The movie starts and we start booing for no reason what so ever. Barney says, “Can I be on Sesame Street.” And that weird red thing called- oh, what is his name. It ends in o, but I can’t remember the other letters. Oh yeah, Elmo- Elmo says, “OK” Then, the movie ends. We all say, “Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. That was the best Barney movie ever.” After we get our picture taken with Barney, Cowie kamikazes the mimes, killing herself. Bob and I say, “Awwwwww, Cowie died. Yaaaaaaaaay, she killed those stupid mute mimes.”
“Squack”
“Who said that?”
“I did”
“Oh ok”
Now that it was only Bob and I, we had to make do with out a companion. As long as we could just kill the EMP leader, we could go into an early retirement. We thought ‘yay’, no more stupid work. After we thought about that a little more, we went to a bathroom. We really needed the break. I was cleaning my hands when I noticed that a mime was in stall number 4. So you now what we did? We took him to a BSB concert, and boy did he scream. All he did was scream the whole time. After like thirty minutes of screaming, the singers stopped singing to kick the idiot to death. The group made t bucks from that concert. “Finally they might stop singing now that they know they suck,” Bob said.
“I ain’t afraid of no boy band”
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha no.
“What you talkin’ ’bout Willis. Show me the money! Aye carumba! I wish I could make up an awesome catch phrase like those,” I said. “Well maybe one day you will,” said Bob. Back to the story now. After that awful BSB concert, we had one last dinner at the Mooseycheesmuffin Restraunt. I say it was my last, because it got blown up after what happened next. What happened in the Mooseycheesemuffin was so undescribingly awful that I have to say one thing, “Put your kids away and never let them out until half an hour after I finish this part of the story. Thank you for your cooperation.”
Now, when I say scary, I mean SCARY. I started off with a moose sandwich, and Bob had a cheese sandwich. While we were eating our sandwiches, one thousand EMPs entered the room and totally thrashed the place. See I told you it was scary. Well, as you should have already figured out, we tried to kill all the mimes we could but they kept coming back to life somehow. But then I noticed a sudden UFC- an unidentified flying candy-flying through the air. It killed every single mime with the exception of one, the leader of the EMPs. He was the biggest mime I had ever seen, not to mention the ugliest one, too. He had two heads, one good, and one bad. The good one said, “I am happy,” and the bad one said, “I am not happy.” So the bad one killed the good one, which also killed the mime. “Yay” we said, “no more stupid mimes. Now we get an early retirement.” And we riverdanced the night away. “And so ended the evil killing spree of those stupid mimes. So what do you think? Was it a good life or what?” I asked.
“Mr. Dwagalad,” Jeff said, ” nowhere in your incoherent babbling did you even get close to a good life story. I mean, even an idiot could make up an average story, but you actually did all this stuff. I’m just appalled.” Jeff went on and on and on and on until I killed him too; he started looking like a mime.
The moral of this story is that you should never go to a restraunt called the Mooseycheesemuffin.
The
End
‘Yay’
The Number Story
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Moose D. Cloun and the Evil Dr. Muffin
Chapter 1 Moose D. Cloun
The year is 1996. We are in a small town outside of New York,
the site of a small traveling circus. Let’s go inside…
“I want to hear them LAUGH!!! Got that Moose?! I want to hear them laugh so hard their stomachs come out their mouths….. literally! Okay?!” yells the Circus Manager.
“Duh, should I make a cheeeeese joke, coach?” asks Moose.
“Yeah, whatever,” mumbles Coach.
“Duh, oh happy day,” says Moose
Moose enters the ring. Everyone “boos” loudly, but Moose still has the same dumb expression on his face, his eyes glazed over, and his tongue hanging out. He runs right into the diving board ladder and bounces over to the tiger cage where he slams his face right between the bars. (This was not in the act!) Moose starts screaming as the tiger eats his fake nose, takes a bite out of his hat, and when it was about to devour moose’s right ear, Moose gets out. The crowd is roaring with laughter. Moose then stumbles around until he remembers what he is supposed to be doing.
“Duh, oh yeah, why did the chicken cross the road?” says Moose.
“Why?” the whole crowd says at once.
“Knockity knock knock!”
“Who’s there?” yells the crowd together.
“Gaaa! Who’s there!” yells Moose.
By the time Moose was going to sing his song, everyone was either gone or leaving.
“Duh, where did everybody go?” says Moose after his act was over, “I wanted to do my cheeeeese joke!”
” They’re all gone,” says the Coach, “oh well… To the next hopeless town, Moose!”
“Duh, oh boy! Maybe I’ll get to say my cheese joke!” says Moose happily.
“Yeah, whatever, I need some new clowns,” mumbles the coach.
Chapter 2 The Cheese Mafia
Now we travel to an abandoned warehouse somewhere in Texas…
There is a cute little squirrel sitting at a table. Across from him is Dr. Muffin, a mad scientist bent on global domination. In front of him is Squack, the normal one.
“Soon I will rule the world! Hah, ha, ha, ha , ha, ha, ha, and ha!! I just need one more piece for my giant cheese Electro magnet! Then, once I have all the cheese in the world, my plan will be complete! Mwah ha, ha! Ha! Ha!…..ha!” laughs Dr. Muffin. “The only problem is how to get a 30 ft lima bean……… I mean a clown that likes cheese…”
“Um, sir, maybe I could be of assistance,” says Squack, “I know of this certain traveling circus. I think it might have the perfect clown for us. His name is Moose D. Cloun. He is smart enough to breathe, but that’s about it. He’ll never suspect a thing.”
“Hmmm, I like it… Yes perfect! Ha!” laughs Dr. Muffin
All of a sudden Squack and Dr. Muffin start laughing, “HAAH, HAA, HAA!!!! HA, HA, HAAAAAA!!!! Hee, hee…….HAAAA!!!! HA, HA, HA, HA….” And so on.
Little do Dr. Muffin and Squack know, but the cute little squirrel (named Moo) had sneaked out. Don’t worry, Moo has big eyes, that means he’s good.
Chapter 3 Why?
You may be asking who is Moose? Well, he is a clown. Got it? Okay, you may also be wondering why Dr. Muffin needs a clown for his magnet. Well he just does. I hope that answers your questions!
Chapter 4 Moose says Moo
“Moo,” says Moose.
Chapter 5 Moose Meets Moo
Moo runs as fast as he can. He has to warn someone of Dr. Muffin’s plan! (Wow, that rhymes. I have a lot of dimes. I use them to buy wind chimes. Ha, ha! Oh, uh, back to the story.) Moo runs and runs. Finally he sees a giant tent with red and white stripes.
“There must be people in there!” thinks Moo.
Moose was just in the middle of ruining the third act when he saw the little squirrel run into the ring. Moose at once knew something was wrong. He rushed over to the squirrel and listened to what it had to say:
“Squeak- chatter!” says Moo
“Someone’s been stealing your acorns? I’m sorry to hear that little squirrel,” says Moose.
“Chatter- squeak!!”
“What, there’s more? …You say there is an evil doctor? And he’s going to- Wait a minute, does this have anything to do with 30ft lima beans? No? Okay sorry. He has a giant cheese Electro magnet and he’s going to do WHAT with it?!! Not that! He can’t! No! Nooooooooo!!!!!” screams Moose, “Duh, what are you still doing here?………………….Oh, right. Tip.”
Chapter 6 Evil People
Back to the warehouse…
“There is just one problem, Squack. How do we persuade this clown to come with us?” Asks Dr. Muffin.
“Um, sir, maybe I could be of assistance,” says Squack, “You see, I have these connections-”
“What kind of connections,” asks Dr. Muffin.
“Well you see-”
“See what, I don’t see anything.”
“Well I have these-”
“These what? Speak up!”
” Well you see! Sir! I have these connections with the-”
“With the what?”
“Sir would you please let me finish!!”
“Okay, fine, have it your way. Nyah. You think you’re so cool, mumble mumble, mumble..”
“Well the point is, I have these connections with the WWF.”
“Hmm, what kind of ‘connections’, Squack?”
“I am very good friends with (dun, don, duunn!!) ‘THE ROCK’.”
“Gasp!”
“Yes, it is pretty impressive.”
“Yep.”
“Yep.”
“Yep.”
“………………Yep.”
“Alright, shut-up.”
Chapter 7 Battle Scars for Hollywood Stars
We are now on a giant black cruise ship. It has big red fangs on the front. The sort of ship only very evil people would have. Guess who is aboard? That’s right, none other than (dun, dun, duunnn!!) the evil Dr. Muffin!!! (Evil guitar solo.) Okay, that’s where we are……….yep. Okay. Right.
Dr. Muffin and ‘The Rock” are talking business. I don’t mean good business, I mean bad business. Real bad. In fact, it’s so bad it’s evil. Very evil. Yes.
“The Rock is a Hollywood wrestler, exclaims The Rock! The Rock is a star, yells The Rock!” yells the Rock, “Why would The Rock want to do something stupid like that, questions? This angers The Rock!!”
The Rock breaks off a leg of the nearest table.
“You will pay for your insolence!!” shouts the Rock in a Darth Vader kind of voice.
He is using the leg as a kind of bat.
Dr. Muffin is hiding behind Squack. He is holding him like a shield from the Rock.
“Please don’t hurt me!” squeals Dr. Muffin.
“I am going to rip off your arm off and beat you to death with it, yells The Rock!” shouts the Rock, “I am going to do to you what I did to that table, shouts The Rock! The Rock says that he is going to squeeze you so hard your guts come out of –”
“Okay, okay! I get the point already!” says Dr. Muffin, ” Sheesh!”
Just then the Rock let out a viscous war cry and slammed the leg on Squack’s head. It launched him off the ship and into the water. Immediately after Squack hits the water a giant 747 crashes right on top of him. Then both the plane and Sqack sink down
down
down.
“Now that was a freak accident,” says Dr. Muffin.
“Yeah… weird,” says the Rock.
Suddenly Dr. Muffin remembered the bazooka he kept in his back pocket. He pulled it out and pointed it at the Rock.
“Okay buddy it’s my way or the freeway…… or something,” says Dr. Muffin.
“Okay, okay. The Rock will kidnap the clown for you,” says the Rock.
“Good, good…Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!” laughs Dr. Muffin.
Chapter 8 Achoo (gezuntight)
We find Moose in New York, walking up and down the streets
looking for Dr. Muffin. He is mumbling to himself:
“Mumble, mumble, mumble… duh, guhh, umm, mumble, mumble. Giant cheese Electro magnet. Lima bean. Whee! Sledding on pudding.”
He walks in front of a weird shop called:
THE I.T.C.H.
Hippie Heaven
-It’s Quacktastic!-
A man with purple glasses, long hair, and flowers on his clothes jumped out and said:
“Whoa, dude! Are you some sort of hippie master? Whoa! All bow down! Whoa!”
“Duh, my name is Goose, no Moose. He, I, someone is looking for- I like cheese,” said Moose.
“Whoa… uh, cool. I’m Achoo. This, my friend, is the I.T.C.H. The International Thing for Cool Hippies. We like flowers and stuff… it’s fun.”
“Oh right… there’s something I need to tell you.”
“What?”
“Don’t do drugs.”
“No, seriously. I am a hippie.”
“Duh, okay.”
“Quack!”
“Where’d that come from?!”
“Excuse me. Duh, do you know where a phone is?”
“There’s a payphone right around the corner.”
“Corn- ear?”
“That way.”
Chapter 9 Payphone Rage
Moose walks up to the payphone.
“Dang, no shiny thingys,” says Moose, “Got to find 35 c’s.”
“Anyperson gots any c’s?!!”yells Moose.
A burglar that was stealing an old lady purse yelled back:
“WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? DID YOU SAY YOU WANTED A ‘C’? SHUT- UP!”
“Umm, I need thirty- five c’s so I can make a phone call.”
“Oh, you need thirty- five cents,” said the burglar.
“No, actually, I need thirty- five c’s.”
“Well, um… take this shiny thingy and this other shiny thing. Hello! Duh, I’m an idiot! Duhhh! Duh! Duh! Duh!”
Moose is angry. (You would be too!)
“Argh! PAYPHONE RAGE!!!” screams Moose. Moose starts kicking the phone, “Ow!” Moose is jumping around in circles screaming and looking like a complete idiot, “Duh, stupid phone!” says Moose as he spanked the phone.
Moose dials a number.
Chapter 10 Squack Returns
“Um, hello?” says Moose.
“Hello, this is ‘We Let You Borrow a Car then You Give it Back to Us Later Along with Fifty Dollars Place’, how may I help you?”
“Duh, I want to rent a car,” says Moose.
“Okay, we’ll have one there in less than five minutes, or your money back!”
“Um, okay,” thinks Moose.
After about five minutes a car pulled up and a man covered in bandages stepped out. Moose is still on the phone.
“Did you ask for a car?” asks the man.
“Duh, yeah,” says Moose, still talking into the phone.
“Well take it.”
“Um… okay…”
Moose tries to get into the phone by the coin slot.
“Are you looking for the evil Dr. Muffin?” asks the man.
“Um, yes,” says Moose in a nervous voice.
“He’s in Meanietown, Texas in an abandoned warehouse.”
“Uh, thank you…”
“What?! I don’t look that weird with all these bandages do I?”
“No… of course not… Uh, thanks again.”
“I’m Squack. A plane fell on me. Here,” says Squck as he hands Moose a bomb belt, “Take this.”
“Okay, bye.”
Moose drives off, “Don’t do drugs,” Moose says to himself.
A Porsche skids out in front of Moose and slows down a lot so Moose slams into it. Then it drives off.
“Duh, hey! That wasn’t very nice!” says Moose, “Do not try to get away- ‘resistance is futile’!”
Uh, oh! The after affects of payphone rage- ROAD RAGE!
Chapter 11 I am The Rock
We find The Rock at a wrestling game in Hollywood fighting “Mr. Happy Guy”
“I am going to win states The Rock!” states The Rock.
“Yeah? Well I’ve just got one question for you,” says Mr. Happy Guy, “Do you like my costume? I just love pink!”
The Rock’s cell phone rings.
“Yeah, whatever. Hang on, I’ve got a call,” says The Rock as he picks up his phone, “Hello?”
“What are you doing?! You’re supposed to be kidnapping that clown!”
“Oh, hi Doctor. Yeah, I’m working on it. Okay. What? Fired? Why you- oh well… Okay, bye,” says the Rock, “Argh! That guy makes me angry exclaims The Rock!” exclaims The Rock.
“Hey, maybe we should talk this over, or have a group hug… uh- oh,” says Mr. Happy Guy.
The Rock picks up Mr. Happy Guy and throws him far out into the crowd.
“The winner!” shouts the announcer, holing up The Rock’s arm.
Chapter 12 New Allies
We find Moose on a main street trying to shove the Porsche driver’s head into his exhaust pipe
A monster truck pulls up next to Moose. The Rock steps out of the car.
“Ahhh!!!” screams the Porsche driver, “Okay! I give up! Take the car! Ahhh!!!”
“Okay, bye,” says Moose.
“Okay Moose! The Rock states that we are going to get that Dr. Muffin! The Rock argues that no one fires The Rock! Right, questions The Rock! Let’s go, Moose!” shouts The Rock.
The Rock takes out a giant chaingun and starts shooting it in the air like a maniac. He is screaming and foaming at the mouth.
“Uh- oh… PYCHO!” thinks Moose.
They both speed off to Dr. Muffin’s hideout.
Chapter 13 Hideout
Moose and The Rock pull up to the warehouse (Dr. Muffin’s hideout). There is one guard in front
of the warehouse. He has a monkey puppet on his hand. The puppet is holding a little spear.
The guard is throwing his voice so that it sounds like the monkey is talking. It talks in a voice exactly like Elmo (from Seasame Street). We can hear the monkey talking: “Well personally, I think a giant cheese Electro magnet is a wonderful idea!” says the monkey.
“I still don’t see how getting all the cheese on Earth is going to get him to rule the world. Also, why does he need a clown?” asks the guard, “What does that have to do with an Electro magnet? And how does the magnet attract cheese? How does- ”
“Oh shut up! You see it all works like this-”
The monkey stops talking and looks at Moose, who has just gotten out of the car and walked up to the guard.
“- Halt! You can’t go in there! Go away!”
“Duh, umm. Um, duh umm, umm. Uhhh…-”
“What the clown is trying to say,” says The Rock, “is…. Die!!!!”
The Rock takes out his chaingun and – ***
” – I is a person that Dr. Muffin wants to see… yes,” says Moose.
“Oh! Well why didn’t you say so! Right this way!” replies the monkey.
The guard leads Moose up to Dr. Muffin’s office.
“Ahh, Moose! I see you have come just as I suspected,” says Dr. Muffin in an evil voice.
“You knew that?!” says Moose, astonished.
“Well, um, OF COURSE! I am The Brilliant Dr. Muffin!”
“I thought it was the Evil Dr. Muffin.”
“Well, it was… but now it’s not!”
“Oh,” says Moose, “Let me ponder this for a while…”
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
*** Whoops! got a little carried away, there! I had to edit that part out, too violent. The Rock has left to go fight “Stone Cold”.
Chapter 14 Ponder
Ponder…
Chapter 15 Boom Ha, Ha
“Moose it is time for you to go into my giant cheese Electro magnet so I can rule the world!” yells Dr. Muffin.
Moose knows what he must do. He has to set off the bomb once he is inside the magnet.
Dr. Muffin leads him to an enormous magnet. They walk up to the door. Dr. Muffin is about to push Moose in, whet Moose takes off the bomb belt from under his shirt. He shoves Dr. Muffin in and throws in the belt after him.
The bomb is about to go off! Moose was planning on running away, but instead he just stands there and laughs at Dr. Muffin.
“HA, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!”
The bomb goes off and Moose, Dr. Muffin, and the guard all die.
THE WORLD IS SAVED!
Yay!
Chapter 16 Stuff
The Rock-
“I am the rock, states The Rock!” states The Rock! “AHHH, HA HA, HA, HA!!!”
The Writer-
Hello! Nya, nya, nya!
Bad Pick Up Lines
– Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money for it?
– I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.
– My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.
– You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause you’re the Bomb.
– If you were a new hamburger at McDonald’s, you would be McGorgeous.
– Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I’ve seem to have lost mine.
– I’m new in town, could I have directions to your house.
– You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what’s one more going to hurt?
– Date me if I’m wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
– Excuse me, do you wanna date, or should I apologize?
– You must be Jamaican, because Ja-maican me crazy.
– Are your legs tired? You’ve been running through my mind all day long.
– Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.
– Your awfly perrrtay.
– Love is like a box of chocolates and your full of sour cream and mustard with cheese wiz.
– Excuse me, do you think it could be possible, if there’s a chance, that if you want to go somewhere, and have no one to go with. And perhaps call me. Then we could go out. Maybe a in a unit. That is only speaking in certain terms….yak yak.
– Were you a Girl Scout? Because you have tied my heart in a knot.
– Hey baby, you must be a light switch, cause every time I see you, you turn me on!
– Hi, nice to meet you, I’m Jeffrey and you’re… gorgeous!
– Hey, is it just me, or are we destined to be married?
– If beauty were sunlight, you’d shine from a million light-years away.
– Did it hurt? You know, when you fell from heaven?
– I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.
– You are under arrest for robbery. You stole my heart.