Q: Why does a flying saucer never pay a toll on the turnpike?
A: Because the pilot does.
Tag Archives: money
Joke #11632
Q: Why would a barber rather give six Earthlings haircuts than one visitor from space?
A: Because he’d get six times as much money, silly!
Joke #11612
A space creature walked into a drugstore and ordered a sundae that cost fifty cents. He put down a ten dollar bill to pay for it. The clerk thought, “What does a space creature know about money?” So he handed him back a single dollar in change.
As he did, he said, “You know, we don’t get many space creatures in here.”
“No wonder,” answered the creature, “at nine dollars a sundae!”
Fifteen Things A Brother Or Sister Will Never Say To You
1. “Can I help you clean your room?”
2. “You decide what movie we go to. You have much better taste!”
3. “I don’t like hanging around with your friends. They’re much too sophisticated for me.”
4. “Can I finish your lima beans?”
5. “Here’s your sweater back. I had it cleaned before I returned it.”
6. “You don’t have to entertain me while Mom and Dad are out. I’ll go up to my room and read a book by myself.”
7. “You take the biggest piece of pie. I’m too full!”
8. “I’ll be happy to lend you ten dollars. Pay it back whenever you can.”
9. “Can I do your math homework for you tonight? I don’t have much to do.”
10. “It wasn’t your fault. It was all my fault.”
11. “I saw you were on the phone, so I decided to be silent.”
12. “Why don’t you wear my new Springsteen sweatshirt? It looks better on you!”
13. “Betcha I can wash and dry the supper dishes all by myself!”
14. “You sit in the front seat.”
15. “I started the fight. You didn’t!”
Brothers and Sisters Are…
The ones you’re always tripping over when you’re trying to do your homework, and the ones who can’t be found anywhere when you feel like a game of catch!
The ones who think it’s hilarious to pick up the phone extension and hiccup while you’re talking to a friend!
The ones who borrow your best white sweater, and when they return it, it’s your best black sweater!
The ones who can’t explain how peanut butter got in your hairbrush!
The ones who can’t explain how your hairbrush got into their room.
The ones who keep their rooms clean and as neat as a pin because they spend all their time in yours!
The ones who think it’s fun to tease you all day long about your new haircut. Then when you tease them back, they cry!
The ones you have to find a bathroom for when there isn’t a bathroom within twenty miles!
The ones who somehow can’t find anything else to do but sit next to you when your friends come over!
The ones who have no idea how all those grasshoppers got under your pillow!
The ones who, whenever your friends come over, think it’s a riot to call you by your totally embarrassing middle name.
The ones who eat the last slice of chocolate cake when you’ve had your eye on it for hours!
The ones who save their allowance until it adds up to a fortune, while you’ve spent every penny you ever had!
The ones who magically become invisible when someone has to walk the dog on a rainy day.
The ones who don’t get caught making silly faces at the dinner table.
The ones who always know how to make you laugh when you’re drinking so that you get a quart of milk up your nose!
The ones who want to watch reruns of Gilligan’s Island when you want to watch the baseball play-offs.
Joke #11428
Sister: Well, how are you doing with that electronic drum set that you got for Christmas?
Brother: Great. It’s the most wonderful present I ever got.
Sister: Why’s that?
Brother: Dad pays me two dollars a week not to play it.
Joke #11376
John: Are you superstitious?
Kim: No.
John: Then lend me thirteen dollars!
USA: “Blame” In American Society
Americans have a tendency to shift the “blame” of something on to something else.
Examples:
– “Homosexuality is biological. Its not my fault I’m gay! It’s the way I was born!”
– “It wasnt my fault I killed my friend, that movie/video game/tv show/song made me do it!”
– “I don’t know where my child learned how to shoot his teachers. It must have been those video games, not me beating my child or my horrible parenting skills!”
–
It doesn’t stop there, either. Global warming — its the corporations fault that they aren’t building better cars! Not ours!
Typically when you are “blamed” for something, in American society, you never want to take that blame — it HAS to be something else. and that is typically the social institution, genetics, or big corporations.
In more particular with homosexuality, there is a large part of the community that seems to want to pass their sexual preference off as basic to the genetic level. They were built that way — not socialized or events in their life that make their brains wire differently in that department after the fact. I personally find it a bunch of horse shit, and its just a way to shift the “blame” onto something else that is out of their “control.”
The only reason its gaining any steam is because there is still a stigma against gay/lesbian people, that that community seems to want to find themselves a scapegoat. They can’t blame society since not everyone is a gay/lesbian. They can’t blame corporations, since they’re too busy trying to make money, not caring that individual people with individual lives/circumstances actually exist. So it has to be genetics! Great! That’s an easy target, since NO ONE UNDERSTANDS THAT SHIT IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Joke #10968
Q: What do you call a shipwrecked rich man when you stick with a needle?
A: Mr. Howl.
Joke #10964
Answer: A real rich guy, what comes up when you clear your throat, and a school kid who’s a doctor.
Question: What’s a Kluge, a lugey, and a Doogie?
Silly Signs
– Sign in King Arthur’s court: Sign up now for knight school.
– Sign in speech class: No silence allowed.
– Sign in a cafeteria in Holland: Mothers, please wash your Hans before eating.
– Sign in the headquarters of the 7th Cavalry: Custer blew the Little Big Horn
– Sign in a flight school: No crash courses given here.
– Sign in the office of a hippie dermatologist: Give me some skin, man!
– Sign in a sign-language class: Please talk with your hands.
– Sign in a theater: Shakespeare married an Avon lady.
– Sign in medical school: Orthopedists get all the breaks.
– Sign in a doctor’s office: If you’re not completely satisfied with our cure, your disease cheerfully refunded.
– Sign in a crook’s hideout: Warning! The police are armed and dangerous.
– Sign near a frozen lake along a historical route: George Washington slipped here.
– Sign in a doctor’s office: An apple a day is bad for business.
– Sign in a realtor’s office: Give me land, lots of land, and I’ll build condominiums and make a fortune.
– Sign in a beauty salon: W work so hard that we’ll even dye for you!
– Sign in a sleazy cafeteria: Our silverware is not medicine – don’t take it after eating!
– Sign in a garden: Beware of vegetarians!
– Sign next to a deep-fryer in a kitchen: We melt the fat away.
– Sign in a dentist’s office: Good oral hygiene is bad for business.
– Sign in a cannibal’s hut: I never met a man I didn’t like.
– Sign in a cafeteria: Shoes required to eat in the cafeteria.
Penciled-in afterthought: Socks can eat wherever they want to.
– Sign in a gymnasium: We tell you everything you always wanted to know about strength, but were too weak to ask.
– Sign in an I.R.S. office: In God we trust. Everyone else we audit.
– Sign in a beach house: Bully permit required to kick sand in the faces of 98 lb. weaklings.
– Sign in a generating plant: We have the power to make you see the light.
– Sign on a jeweler’s shop: If your watch doesn’t tick, tock to us.
– Sign in a funeral home: Pay or don’t die.
– Sign in front of an oceanography class: Open only to students who can keep above C-level.
– Sign in a Vassar math class: Girls, watch your figures.
– Sign in an Italian class: Speak Italian, but don’t talk with your hands.
– Sign in a new math class: In here, we follow the liter.
– Sign in an old-age home: We’re not deaf. We just heard everything worth hearing already.
– Sign in a post office: Postal workers are sissies. They can’t even lick stamps.
– Sign on the door of a fencing school: Back in one hour — out to lunge.
– Sign on the screen (during intermission of a killer bee movie): Don’t leave. This is only the calm before the swarm.
– Sign in a tailor’s shop: I am a man of the cloth.
– Sign in a witches’ coven: We came. We saw. We conjured.
– Sign in a chicken coop: Caution. Fowl language spoken here.
– Sign in a Pawnbroker’s shop: See us at your earliest inconvenience.
– Sign in the window of a store: Our Going Out of Business sale was such a success, we’re having another one next month.
– Sign in a prison biology class: Study your cells.
– Sign on a pet store for a litter of dachshund pups: Get a long little doggie.
– Sign on a pet store for an opossum: A peticularly good possumbility.
– Sign on a pet store for an Angora rabbit: A rare bit of company.
– Sign on a pet store for Siamese kittens: Take both — they’re attached to each other.
– Safety Sign in a Karate cooking class: Wok, do not run.
– Sign for “The King of the Jungle Moving Company”: We Don’t Take Your Move Lion Down
– Sign in a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for me with 16 and 17 necks.
– Sign in the window of an Oregon general store: Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?
– Sign in a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
– Sign on a Tennessee highway: Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
– On a safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket: If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member.
– Sign in a shop in Maine: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
– Sign on a delicatessen wall: Our best is none too good.
– Sign in a cocktail lounge in Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
– Sign in a city restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.
– Sign in a Japanese hotel: “You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.”
– Sign in the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
– From a menu from Poland: Salad a firm’s own make; Limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; Roasted duck let loose; Beef rashers beaten in the country people’s fashion.
– Sign in a Hong Kong Supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
– From the “Soviet Weekly:” There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
– Sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to Moscow, you are welcome to it.
– Sign in a laundry in Rome: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
Joke #10714
Q: What is a buckaneer?
A: Expensive corn.
cashier
cashier – n. someone who takes your money and plays with a cash register
madiasotto
madiasotto – v. to spend 5000 dollars on a sound
Dollars and Sense
Once upon a time there was a rich guy named Ron Hubbles, III. Everybody just called him Muffins, though. His gangster friends called him Muvvenz. So, one day Muffins was in his vault admiring how much money he had. He had so much money, he could buy anything he wanted. He could’ve bought a country! But, instead he bought a ghetto in the middle of a city near Los Angeles.
Muffins, owning the ghetto, could do anything he wanted. He changed the name of the ghetto to Ronhub. He also changed all the names of the streets to a varied form of his name, Ron Hubbles, III. There were streets like Ronald, Ronald 2, The Hub, Ubbles, Hubbles III, etc. Yes, life was grand in the ghetto. All the windows that had been broken were boarded up, and it was a safe place because everyone had 8 locks on their doors. But one day, a good four days after it was bought, the ghetto Ronhub became a killing field. Gangsters from all over LA came into Ronhub, and shot everyone they could, because Muffins was sleeping with all their favorite hoes that lived in the area.
Everyone died. There were brains and pantless asses strewn across the streets. Some were even on the roofs of houses. Muffins sold the ghetto the next day, and no one moved into the area again. All the houses were used as crack houses for a year until a meth lab exploded and caused a chain reaction that blew up all the other drug labs in the ghetto.
The moral of the story:
You can’t buy love.
The End.