Q: Why did the Addams Family have so many coffins lying around the house?
A: They were having relatives over for dinner.
Tag Archives: house
Time is Relative
It all depends on how you spend it. When you’re having a bad time, a minute seems more like an hour. And when you’re having a good time, an hour seems more like a minute.
The ten years between 8 and 18 seem to pass more slowly than a snail, but the ten years between 25 and 35 zip past like a hare with a hot foot.
Driving your mother two blocks to the store seems to take forever, but driving your girlfriend 20 miles back to her house after a date doesn’t take long enough.
The 24 hours of a work day drag second by second, but the 24 hours of a Saturday are gone in the time it takes to wind your watch.
The half-hour you spend studying seems more like two hours, but the two hours you spend parked in front of the TV set seem more like a half-hour.
A two-hour date with an ugly girl is too long, but a four-hour date with a pretty girl is too short.
zabala
zabala – v. to burn your house and put it in an urn
Joke #9301: Hard-Boiled Defective
Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”
The first explained, “If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed toward me, I throw it away ’cause it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!”
The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, “You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!”
Joke #9263: Bridge Over the River Quiet
JoAnn was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief JoAnn got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that JoAnn loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn’t want to hear them.
To teach JoAnn a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they’d just get up, walk out, and meet at another home but without her.
Sure enough, at the next bridge club meeting, JoAnn started, “You know, girls, there’s a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say . . . ” Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.
JoAnn was disconcerted, but only for a moment. Then she understood what was going on and said, “Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There’s plenty of time because the bus doesn’t leave until morning!”
Joke #7872
Q: Do doctors make housecalls?
A: Yes, but your house has to be really sick.
***SeX eDuCaTiOn***
Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about ‘courting’ from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. “Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured ‘Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he’s not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time ‘Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick-a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she’s ever seen. I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel’s head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn’t dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis’s boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.
Children’s Story
One day, in a small city called Kingsburg in California there live a family of four people. There are two parents with two children. One child is a girl and the other is a girl also. The two children don’t get along very well probably because of their age difference. Their parents think of everything, trying to make them get along. When they have an idea they would write it down on a piece of paper and later that day they would try it.
The five-year-old girl is named Tina, and the other seven-year-old daughter is named Susan. One idea that the parents came up with is to take them both to their Aunt Helen’s house, so that they can spend some quiet time together in the playroom. The parents thought that they might just get along if they get to play pirates or Robin Hood or some other game like that together.
It worked at first when they were playing Sleeping Beauty. But after awhile they began arguing and arguing led to fighting. They were fighting about who will be the witch and who will be the princess. The parents sighed and had to go back to the drawing board. Another idea the parents came up with that might just bring their two children to become civil with each other is to assign Tina and Susan, to a project. Their project turned out to be a Birthday card for their Aunt Helen.
That idea didn’t work because Tina drew a heart on the top left corner of the card, red and Susan wanted it to be blue. So they began fighting once again. The parents sighed and tried again. The next idea for the children is to switch places for a day. If they do this, they can find out something interesting about each other.
At first, Tina and Armen thought that this idea was going to be fun but after the day went by, they hated the idea because Tina went into her room and Armen went into his room. When the parents said that they also had to switch rooms for the night, the two kids started to cry. The parents started getting very frustrated with this whole situation. After thinking for awhile, they came up with a very simple and, at the same time, genius solution.
That simple solution was to politely ask Tina and Armen to participate and really try to get along. The two parents told them what they were trying to do for so long which was to try to make Tina and Susan to get along. Their kids understood because they too were sick of fighting every day. About a week later the two parents saw much improvement with their kids, and they are now a very happy family.
Goopy Blip
Written in conjunction with elmoisfurry
–
It all started with an avocado. That damn fruit. I hate avocados. Avocados are green. They bounce. I don’t like bouncy things. Especially bouncing avocados that are green and hit mailman car thingys. This is my story. I’m a postal worker.
…………..
“BOO!!” said Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man. Naturally, I screamed. I was a bit of a pansy. I AM a mailman. I run away from a lot of things. Kittens…dogs…myself, but most of all clothes hangers. Clothes hangers are scary. They’re all pointy and stuff. If you brought one up to me, I’d scream like a little girl in a yellow polka dot dress. Its horrible…not really.
Y’know what I did when Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man scared me? I PEED MY PANTS! Quack, quack, quack, moo pie. Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man laughed at my pants, and gave me a free Moon Pie. The Moon Pie was cold. Mmmmmmmmm moon pie, taste like…………..moon. I had to think of a way to leave the Ice Cream Truck man…so I told him my peas were getting cold. He said he understood, and he left.
I was at home. In my underwear. Not boxers, but whitey tighties. I like the way they feel. My mother is a nut. Seriously. She’s a walnut. A giant walnut. Don’t ask me how my dad got me. It is a science unknown to man. Ahglahglah. So, I was sitting down…drinking a beer…watching soap operas…the good kind…you know, Vietnamese soap operas. I didn’t understand the soap operas, because the captions were in Vietnamese. That really pisses me off. But its funny because I dub for them. I record the soap operas and then leave them in the mail boxes I go to during work. Smell my cheese grater.
So, I went to work the next day. I had a few joints. Not like it mattered. I just tripped over a few chairs…regular postal etiquette. I got my box full of mail to make my rounds. It takes 9 hours at least to deliver all the mail. There’s this one guy that has half a box of mail everyday. Its all porn, too. He’s a crazy old man. I think he has two 89 year old granddaughters. He’s got to be as old as the White House. He has a dog, too, you know. It’s called Mr. Giant Fluffy Bunny Fur. Mr. GFBF for short. She (the dog) smells like Dr. Pepper and guacamole. Anywho!
I have my own place, but its a pile of mulch. I bought it on ebay. Ebay is a cool thingy. You can get beer for one dollar. And its easier than going to the store I live under. Sometimes, the toilets leak, and the flushed toilet water seeps through the boards, and waters my plants. I just had a seizure. Ok, now, I’ll tell you about my pets. I have a pet keyboard. He types stuff. He talks with me when I pet him. He only does it when he’s turned on. Yes…
Comma. Wait….coma. I’m in a coma. I don’t know how, but I am. Ok, I’m out of it. That was a nice one second coma. I’ll tell you a story. Its about a patio chair, and the way it impaled me.
I was sitting on a chair. Then my only friend, Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man, took his patio chair, and stuck it up my nose. LISTEN TO MY GIANT BLOATED ORANGE!!! LISTEN TO IT!!!!!!! I screamed, and screamed and screamed. It hurt like a mother walrus. Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man said he was sorry, and left, ringing his bell. I don’t know why he did that, because he didn’t have a bell…
I’ll tell you about a pillow. Pillows are funny. They’re soft and cuddly. But they’re also deadly. The feathers in my pillow punctured through the material surrounding it, and jammed into my eye. I thought I was being speared like a fish. OoOOoo, look at the lumpy sack of graham crackers.
I’m going to talk about a vacuum cleaner now. Vacuum cleaners are noisy. Sorta like a toilet, but the flushing noise is always there. Its really annoying. I’ll tell you something about vacuum cleaners. You can get sucked into them. Only if you’re two foot four or under. Jabba the Hut makes good slushies. I like the Backstreet Boys. They’re silly. SILLY LIKE A MOTH! That means they’re stupid, and they eat cloth. I’ll tell you another thing about them.
Oh, I have another story.
The End.
Wait, wait. I’m not done
The End.
Municipal Poopoo
Yes, Poopoo is my name…Municipal Poopoo. My mom abandoned me when I was just a turd. I never saw my dad, but I blame him for flushing me down the toilet.
I’m a detective. My house, my office, is a sespool. I get new cases everytime, y’see, when “they” flush them down, down into my office.
The bacteria in the sespool are my security system. When a bad turd comes around, they eat’m up right away.
But when there is a turd with a good case, I take it up personally. Like once when this old geezer came along and said, “Yo llevo un el gato en mi pantalones” I knew who he was. He was the old Spanish turd from a Spanish guy pooping on “their” toilet.
He said, “I need you to find out who pooped me out.” So, I helped the old 15 year-old geezer, by scraping the old poo-skin-layer off of him, he then tossed his cane and ran around the sespool, screaming, “I’m reborn!” …Then he broke in half and died. It was a grousome sight.
I wanted to know what happened to the old geezer, after, all I did have to scrape his hairy poo-skin off…
I went down to the bar, and asked around if anybody knew him. One guy did. It was the bartender. He said he’d talk, only if I got a pee from the Septic Tank, so I gave him 15 poo-coins and he gave me a jug of pee. It had a nice smell, and it had a layer of foam on it, a true sign it came straight from the septic tank.
“Well, you gonna tell me anything?” I said after a sip of pee. The bartender rolled around to me and said, “sure. the old geezer just drank some pee and said he was going to revitalize his body and take a poo-bath.” “hmm…” I thought to myself, “That old geezer should have lived another 5 years…”
It was then, I remembered seeing a sparkle as the old geezar split in half. Then it came to me. He was assassinated! I recognized the sparkle as a shiny tooth. The assassin must have been cleaning it for weeks!
I looked around, looking for any suspicious looking Poos around. That’s when I saw a guy with a tooth-machete. It glimmered in the light. Just as I made my move, he sliced another piece of poo while he was running away from me. Poor soul.
Once he got out of the bar, I shot him 5 times with my Poo-ray gun. Then he was eaten by the bacteria.
Well, that was the best adventure I ever had. All in a days work, of course.
Bye
Moose D. Cloun and the Evil Dr. Muffin
Chapter 1 Moose D. Cloun
The year is 1996. We are in a small town outside of New York,
the site of a small traveling circus. Let’s go inside…
“I want to hear them LAUGH!!! Got that Moose?! I want to hear them laugh so hard their stomachs come out their mouths….. literally! Okay?!” yells the Circus Manager.
“Duh, should I make a cheeeeese joke, coach?” asks Moose.
“Yeah, whatever,” mumbles Coach.
“Duh, oh happy day,” says Moose
Moose enters the ring. Everyone “boos” loudly, but Moose still has the same dumb expression on his face, his eyes glazed over, and his tongue hanging out. He runs right into the diving board ladder and bounces over to the tiger cage where he slams his face right between the bars. (This was not in the act!) Moose starts screaming as the tiger eats his fake nose, takes a bite out of his hat, and when it was about to devour moose’s right ear, Moose gets out. The crowd is roaring with laughter. Moose then stumbles around until he remembers what he is supposed to be doing.
“Duh, oh yeah, why did the chicken cross the road?” says Moose.
“Why?” the whole crowd says at once.
“Knockity knock knock!”
“Who’s there?” yells the crowd together.
“Gaaa! Who’s there!” yells Moose.
By the time Moose was going to sing his song, everyone was either gone or leaving.
“Duh, where did everybody go?” says Moose after his act was over, “I wanted to do my cheeeeese joke!”
” They’re all gone,” says the Coach, “oh well… To the next hopeless town, Moose!”
“Duh, oh boy! Maybe I’ll get to say my cheese joke!” says Moose happily.
“Yeah, whatever, I need some new clowns,” mumbles the coach.
Chapter 2 The Cheese Mafia
Now we travel to an abandoned warehouse somewhere in Texas…
There is a cute little squirrel sitting at a table. Across from him is Dr. Muffin, a mad scientist bent on global domination. In front of him is Squack, the normal one.
“Soon I will rule the world! Hah, ha, ha, ha , ha, ha, ha, and ha!! I just need one more piece for my giant cheese Electro magnet! Then, once I have all the cheese in the world, my plan will be complete! Mwah ha, ha! Ha! Ha!…..ha!” laughs Dr. Muffin. “The only problem is how to get a 30 ft lima bean……… I mean a clown that likes cheese…”
“Um, sir, maybe I could be of assistance,” says Squack, “I know of this certain traveling circus. I think it might have the perfect clown for us. His name is Moose D. Cloun. He is smart enough to breathe, but that’s about it. He’ll never suspect a thing.”
“Hmmm, I like it… Yes perfect! Ha!” laughs Dr. Muffin
All of a sudden Squack and Dr. Muffin start laughing, “HAAH, HAA, HAA!!!! HA, HA, HAAAAAA!!!! Hee, hee…….HAAAA!!!! HA, HA, HA, HA….” And so on.
Little do Dr. Muffin and Squack know, but the cute little squirrel (named Moo) had sneaked out. Don’t worry, Moo has big eyes, that means he’s good.
Chapter 3 Why?
You may be asking who is Moose? Well, he is a clown. Got it? Okay, you may also be wondering why Dr. Muffin needs a clown for his magnet. Well he just does. I hope that answers your questions!
Chapter 4 Moose says Moo
“Moo,” says Moose.
Chapter 5 Moose Meets Moo
Moo runs as fast as he can. He has to warn someone of Dr. Muffin’s plan! (Wow, that rhymes. I have a lot of dimes. I use them to buy wind chimes. Ha, ha! Oh, uh, back to the story.) Moo runs and runs. Finally he sees a giant tent with red and white stripes.
“There must be people in there!” thinks Moo.
Moose was just in the middle of ruining the third act when he saw the little squirrel run into the ring. Moose at once knew something was wrong. He rushed over to the squirrel and listened to what it had to say:
“Squeak- chatter!” says Moo
“Someone’s been stealing your acorns? I’m sorry to hear that little squirrel,” says Moose.
“Chatter- squeak!!”
“What, there’s more? …You say there is an evil doctor? And he’s going to- Wait a minute, does this have anything to do with 30ft lima beans? No? Okay sorry. He has a giant cheese Electro magnet and he’s going to do WHAT with it?!! Not that! He can’t! No! Nooooooooo!!!!!” screams Moose, “Duh, what are you still doing here?………………….Oh, right. Tip.”
Chapter 6 Evil People
Back to the warehouse…
“There is just one problem, Squack. How do we persuade this clown to come with us?” Asks Dr. Muffin.
“Um, sir, maybe I could be of assistance,” says Squack, “You see, I have these connections-”
“What kind of connections,” asks Dr. Muffin.
“Well you see-”
“See what, I don’t see anything.”
“Well I have these-”
“These what? Speak up!”
” Well you see! Sir! I have these connections with the-”
“With the what?”
“Sir would you please let me finish!!”
“Okay, fine, have it your way. Nyah. You think you’re so cool, mumble mumble, mumble..”
“Well the point is, I have these connections with the WWF.”
“Hmm, what kind of ‘connections’, Squack?”
“I am very good friends with (dun, don, duunn!!) ‘THE ROCK’.”
“Gasp!”
“Yes, it is pretty impressive.”
“Yep.”
“Yep.”
“Yep.”
“………………Yep.”
“Alright, shut-up.”
Chapter 7 Battle Scars for Hollywood Stars
We are now on a giant black cruise ship. It has big red fangs on the front. The sort of ship only very evil people would have. Guess who is aboard? That’s right, none other than (dun, dun, duunnn!!) the evil Dr. Muffin!!! (Evil guitar solo.) Okay, that’s where we are……….yep. Okay. Right.
Dr. Muffin and ‘The Rock” are talking business. I don’t mean good business, I mean bad business. Real bad. In fact, it’s so bad it’s evil. Very evil. Yes.
“The Rock is a Hollywood wrestler, exclaims The Rock! The Rock is a star, yells The Rock!” yells the Rock, “Why would The Rock want to do something stupid like that, questions? This angers The Rock!!”
The Rock breaks off a leg of the nearest table.
“You will pay for your insolence!!” shouts the Rock in a Darth Vader kind of voice.
He is using the leg as a kind of bat.
Dr. Muffin is hiding behind Squack. He is holding him like a shield from the Rock.
“Please don’t hurt me!” squeals Dr. Muffin.
“I am going to rip off your arm off and beat you to death with it, yells The Rock!” shouts the Rock, “I am going to do to you what I did to that table, shouts The Rock! The Rock says that he is going to squeeze you so hard your guts come out of –”
“Okay, okay! I get the point already!” says Dr. Muffin, ” Sheesh!”
Just then the Rock let out a viscous war cry and slammed the leg on Squack’s head. It launched him off the ship and into the water. Immediately after Squack hits the water a giant 747 crashes right on top of him. Then both the plane and Sqack sink down
down
down.
“Now that was a freak accident,” says Dr. Muffin.
“Yeah… weird,” says the Rock.
Suddenly Dr. Muffin remembered the bazooka he kept in his back pocket. He pulled it out and pointed it at the Rock.
“Okay buddy it’s my way or the freeway…… or something,” says Dr. Muffin.
“Okay, okay. The Rock will kidnap the clown for you,” says the Rock.
“Good, good…Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!” laughs Dr. Muffin.
Chapter 8 Achoo (gezuntight)
We find Moose in New York, walking up and down the streets
looking for Dr. Muffin. He is mumbling to himself:
“Mumble, mumble, mumble… duh, guhh, umm, mumble, mumble. Giant cheese Electro magnet. Lima bean. Whee! Sledding on pudding.”
He walks in front of a weird shop called:
THE I.T.C.H.
Hippie Heaven
-It’s Quacktastic!-
A man with purple glasses, long hair, and flowers on his clothes jumped out and said:
“Whoa, dude! Are you some sort of hippie master? Whoa! All bow down! Whoa!”
“Duh, my name is Goose, no Moose. He, I, someone is looking for- I like cheese,” said Moose.
“Whoa… uh, cool. I’m Achoo. This, my friend, is the I.T.C.H. The International Thing for Cool Hippies. We like flowers and stuff… it’s fun.”
“Oh right… there’s something I need to tell you.”
“What?”
“Don’t do drugs.”
“No, seriously. I am a hippie.”
“Duh, okay.”
“Quack!”
“Where’d that come from?!”
“Excuse me. Duh, do you know where a phone is?”
“There’s a payphone right around the corner.”
“Corn- ear?”
“That way.”
Chapter 9 Payphone Rage
Moose walks up to the payphone.
“Dang, no shiny thingys,” says Moose, “Got to find 35 c’s.”
“Anyperson gots any c’s?!!”yells Moose.
A burglar that was stealing an old lady purse yelled back:
“WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? DID YOU SAY YOU WANTED A ‘C’? SHUT- UP!”
“Umm, I need thirty- five c’s so I can make a phone call.”
“Oh, you need thirty- five cents,” said the burglar.
“No, actually, I need thirty- five c’s.”
“Well, um… take this shiny thingy and this other shiny thing. Hello! Duh, I’m an idiot! Duhhh! Duh! Duh! Duh!”
Moose is angry. (You would be too!)
“Argh! PAYPHONE RAGE!!!” screams Moose. Moose starts kicking the phone, “Ow!” Moose is jumping around in circles screaming and looking like a complete idiot, “Duh, stupid phone!” says Moose as he spanked the phone.
Moose dials a number.
Chapter 10 Squack Returns
“Um, hello?” says Moose.
“Hello, this is ‘We Let You Borrow a Car then You Give it Back to Us Later Along with Fifty Dollars Place’, how may I help you?”
“Duh, I want to rent a car,” says Moose.
“Okay, we’ll have one there in less than five minutes, or your money back!”
“Um, okay,” thinks Moose.
After about five minutes a car pulled up and a man covered in bandages stepped out. Moose is still on the phone.
“Did you ask for a car?” asks the man.
“Duh, yeah,” says Moose, still talking into the phone.
“Well take it.”
“Um… okay…”
Moose tries to get into the phone by the coin slot.
“Are you looking for the evil Dr. Muffin?” asks the man.
“Um, yes,” says Moose in a nervous voice.
“He’s in Meanietown, Texas in an abandoned warehouse.”
“Uh, thank you…”
“What?! I don’t look that weird with all these bandages do I?”
“No… of course not… Uh, thanks again.”
“I’m Squack. A plane fell on me. Here,” says Squck as he hands Moose a bomb belt, “Take this.”
“Okay, bye.”
Moose drives off, “Don’t do drugs,” Moose says to himself.
A Porsche skids out in front of Moose and slows down a lot so Moose slams into it. Then it drives off.
“Duh, hey! That wasn’t very nice!” says Moose, “Do not try to get away- ‘resistance is futile’!”
Uh, oh! The after affects of payphone rage- ROAD RAGE!
Chapter 11 I am The Rock
We find The Rock at a wrestling game in Hollywood fighting “Mr. Happy Guy”
“I am going to win states The Rock!” states The Rock.
“Yeah? Well I’ve just got one question for you,” says Mr. Happy Guy, “Do you like my costume? I just love pink!”
The Rock’s cell phone rings.
“Yeah, whatever. Hang on, I’ve got a call,” says The Rock as he picks up his phone, “Hello?”
“What are you doing?! You’re supposed to be kidnapping that clown!”
“Oh, hi Doctor. Yeah, I’m working on it. Okay. What? Fired? Why you- oh well… Okay, bye,” says the Rock, “Argh! That guy makes me angry exclaims The Rock!” exclaims The Rock.
“Hey, maybe we should talk this over, or have a group hug… uh- oh,” says Mr. Happy Guy.
The Rock picks up Mr. Happy Guy and throws him far out into the crowd.
“The winner!” shouts the announcer, holing up The Rock’s arm.
Chapter 12 New Allies
We find Moose on a main street trying to shove the Porsche driver’s head into his exhaust pipe
A monster truck pulls up next to Moose. The Rock steps out of the car.
“Ahhh!!!” screams the Porsche driver, “Okay! I give up! Take the car! Ahhh!!!”
“Okay, bye,” says Moose.
“Okay Moose! The Rock states that we are going to get that Dr. Muffin! The Rock argues that no one fires The Rock! Right, questions The Rock! Let’s go, Moose!” shouts The Rock.
The Rock takes out a giant chaingun and starts shooting it in the air like a maniac. He is screaming and foaming at the mouth.
“Uh- oh… PYCHO!” thinks Moose.
They both speed off to Dr. Muffin’s hideout.
Chapter 13 Hideout
Moose and The Rock pull up to the warehouse (Dr. Muffin’s hideout). There is one guard in front
of the warehouse. He has a monkey puppet on his hand. The puppet is holding a little spear.
The guard is throwing his voice so that it sounds like the monkey is talking. It talks in a voice exactly like Elmo (from Seasame Street). We can hear the monkey talking: “Well personally, I think a giant cheese Electro magnet is a wonderful idea!” says the monkey.
“I still don’t see how getting all the cheese on Earth is going to get him to rule the world. Also, why does he need a clown?” asks the guard, “What does that have to do with an Electro magnet? And how does the magnet attract cheese? How does- ”
“Oh shut up! You see it all works like this-”
The monkey stops talking and looks at Moose, who has just gotten out of the car and walked up to the guard.
“- Halt! You can’t go in there! Go away!”
“Duh, umm. Um, duh umm, umm. Uhhh…-”
“What the clown is trying to say,” says The Rock, “is…. Die!!!!”
The Rock takes out his chaingun and – ***
” – I is a person that Dr. Muffin wants to see… yes,” says Moose.
“Oh! Well why didn’t you say so! Right this way!” replies the monkey.
The guard leads Moose up to Dr. Muffin’s office.
“Ahh, Moose! I see you have come just as I suspected,” says Dr. Muffin in an evil voice.
“You knew that?!” says Moose, astonished.
“Well, um, OF COURSE! I am The Brilliant Dr. Muffin!”
“I thought it was the Evil Dr. Muffin.”
“Well, it was… but now it’s not!”
“Oh,” says Moose, “Let me ponder this for a while…”
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
*** Whoops! got a little carried away, there! I had to edit that part out, too violent. The Rock has left to go fight “Stone Cold”.
Chapter 14 Ponder
Ponder…
Chapter 15 Boom Ha, Ha
“Moose it is time for you to go into my giant cheese Electro magnet so I can rule the world!” yells Dr. Muffin.
Moose knows what he must do. He has to set off the bomb once he is inside the magnet.
Dr. Muffin leads him to an enormous magnet. They walk up to the door. Dr. Muffin is about to push Moose in, whet Moose takes off the bomb belt from under his shirt. He shoves Dr. Muffin in and throws in the belt after him.
The bomb is about to go off! Moose was planning on running away, but instead he just stands there and laughs at Dr. Muffin.
“HA, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!”
The bomb goes off and Moose, Dr. Muffin, and the guard all die.
THE WORLD IS SAVED!
Yay!
Chapter 16 Stuff
The Rock-
“I am the rock, states The Rock!” states The Rock! “AHHH, HA HA, HA, HA!!!”
The Writer-
Hello! Nya, nya, nya!
Bad Pick Up Lines
– Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money for it?
– I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.
– My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.
– You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause you’re the Bomb.
– If you were a new hamburger at McDonald’s, you would be McGorgeous.
– Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I’ve seem to have lost mine.
– I’m new in town, could I have directions to your house.
– You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what’s one more going to hurt?
– Date me if I’m wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
– Excuse me, do you wanna date, or should I apologize?
– You must be Jamaican, because Ja-maican me crazy.
– Are your legs tired? You’ve been running through my mind all day long.
– Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.
– Your awfly perrrtay.
– Love is like a box of chocolates and your full of sour cream and mustard with cheese wiz.
– Excuse me, do you think it could be possible, if there’s a chance, that if you want to go somewhere, and have no one to go with. And perhaps call me. Then we could go out. Maybe a in a unit. That is only speaking in certain terms….yak yak.
– Were you a Girl Scout? Because you have tied my heart in a knot.
– Hey baby, you must be a light switch, cause every time I see you, you turn me on!
– Hi, nice to meet you, I’m Jeffrey and you’re… gorgeous!
– Hey, is it just me, or are we destined to be married?
– If beauty were sunlight, you’d shine from a million light-years away.
– Did it hurt? You know, when you fell from heaven?
– I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.
– You are under arrest for robbery. You stole my heart.
Only in America…
Only in America…
…can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
…are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
…do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
…do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
…do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage
…do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight
…do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.
…do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
…can a vocalist get rich by singing the blues.
Joke #5407
Q: What kind of clothing does a house wear?
A: Address
Joke #5317
There was a brunette mother who had two teenage blonde daughters. She asked them if they could paint the house while she went shopping.
They both agreed, and right before the mother left the house, she asked them not to get their clothes dirty. So then she took off, and the two blondes obeyed their mother by taking off their clothes so they wouldn’t get them dirty.
Then when they were about halfway done, they heard a knock on the door, so without opening the door, they asked who it was, and the person on the other side answered “the blind man.” So the two blondes thought, ok, he’s blind, he cant see anything…so they opened the door and the blind man said, “nice tits, ladies, but where do you want the blinds?”