About Me:
“this is whack.com. LOL. i dont know why i sighed up for this. Maybe cause imma wakko. but hai. i like tattoos 3 and i love food. I love tegan and sara. I love taking back sunday. my hobbies are tv and eating. BLAH this is lame. why do all the hot guys smoke weed UGH”
Interests:
“food dood. 3 key to mah heart. DUH. i like cookie dough icecream and chipotle. LOL.”
– from a dating profile
In Trade Chat…
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Neckslicerr: how do u get a girl thats really pretty to like u
davepoobond: go after her legs like the cake you ate
Neckslicerr: ?
Neckslicerr: wow really
Neckslicerr: your funny
davepoobond: i wanna let you know that i am ready to go
Neckslicerr: your fat.
davepoobond: i come around when you least expect me, when your glass is empty
“I figured I’d be able to fill this out most accurately if I were high. And lucky for you, I am. Let’s start there, I love being high. I smoke weed, and a lot of it.”
– from a girl’s dating profile
::insert picture of a more-or-less hot chick::
“I am unique. You love me.
My favorite thing to do is eat. I enjoy books, they are more entertaining than most people.
I am not sarcastic and hate humor.
Music is for the weak.
Lets get tacos sometime.
I always wear a pleather jumpsuit underneath my clothes.”
– from a girl’s dating profile.
Little Daisy is trying to make her first cake. What a cute adventure into womanhood! But sadness sweeps over her as she realizes she left out everything but the eggs and the icing. Her eyes start to rain down big salty tears, because her cake is no good. She’s just about to run to her room when a warm, calming hand touches her shoulder.
“Grandpa!” she yelps, surprised, trying to hide her tears. “Now, now, no need to cover your face, I know you’re ugly.” Grandpa says jokingly. This didn’t seem to help the situation at all, as she starts to cry louder. “Stop the water works now, my little princess. Let me tell you a little something. Sit down here.” Grandpa pulls out a chair for Daisy and she sits down. He thinks of trying another ugly joke, but is afraid she’ll start crying again.
“A long time ago, I was a little girl just like you,” Grandpa says. “Really?” Daisy asks, no longer crying. “Yes,” Grandpa continues, “You should’ve seen my room, it was beautiful. I had Marilyn Monroe wallpaper, an Elvis bedspread, a Dick Clark record player, and a Steve Carell make-up case.” “Wow!” Daisy exclaims. “You ain’t just whistlin’ Dixie!” Grandpa replies.
“I remember one time, when I was about your age, I got into my parents’ special cabinet. That’s what led to your grampy’s eventual incarceration, but that’s a different story. Anyway, my father, your great grandpa, caught me. That’s when he brought out his most expensive belt, which he called the ‘Cat of Ninetails from Hell.’ He laid a beating on me that went on for hours. He carved me up like a Halloween jackolantern.” Grandpa chuckles.
“That’s terrible!” Daisy shouts. “I thought so, too.” Grandpa says. “But looking back, he was only doing it to show he loves me, so I’ll always treasure it.” “I want treasure!” Daisy responded. “Well shiver me timbers then, matey!” Grandpa says in a gruff tone. ‘Set sail for beatdown! Go get your grampy’s 2×4, the one with the nails. Do you have your tetanus shot?” “What’s tetanus?” Daisy asks. “Good!” Shouts Grandpa with a smile.
The high pitched squeals fill the house for the next two days. Daisy will always remember the cake accident. But she will know, in her mind and in her heart, that Grandpa almost killed her with a board to show her how much he loves her.
davepoobond is on a dating site… and then…
–
DonutLover: hey
davepoobond: hi
davepoobond: how’s it going
DonutLover: slowly..tired but not sleepy…
DonutLover: hows your night going
davepoobond: not bad, just trying to waste the last couple of hours of the day before going to sleep
DonutLover: i hear ya
DonutLover: how has this site been for you
davepoobond: pretty crappy actually, dont really get many interactions from people
davepoobond: you’re the 2nd person to actually say more than 1 thing to me heh
davepoobond: how about for you
DonutLover: hah, same deal, i look through these profiles and mostly find myself thinking …why does he have his shirt off or what a retard…i know…harsh critic
davepoobond: i see nothing but variations of “please keep your shirt on” or stuff like that on girls profiles
DonutLover: haha..really
davepoobond: yeah, its getting kinda boring at this point. i dont see any girls without their shirts on, so i’m wondering what i’m missing
DonutLover: im pretty sure theres some sluty gals around….put some effort into looking davepoobond
davepoobond: hahah well that was a joke 😛
DonutLover: “no”,,,,,”really”….?! lol
davepoobond: 😉
davepoobond: so whats your favorite kind of doughnut
DonutLover: Jelly filled…what about you
davepoobond: old-fashioned
davepoobond: as long as it doesnt taste like carrots
davepoobond: ive had one that tasted like carrots, it was very confusing
DonutLover: carrots?…were you high?
DonutLover: Kidding kidding
DonutLover: 🙂
davepoobond: no, it was the morning, so might as well have been
DonutLover: hahaha….
DonutLover: So…how was your monday
davepoobond: it was a normal monday i suppose. went to work and then came back home and watched some netflix
davepoobond: how about yours
DonutLover: well..didnt have to work..apparently its a presidents bday or something..but i did have to go fix some major paperwork mistakes i hid earlier in the week
DonutLover: what do you do for milk money kiddo
davepoobond: well uh Martin Luther King wasn’t a president, but i guess that’s close enough haha 😛
DonutLover: im glad you get my sarcasm..o.0
davepoobond: just makin sure!
davepoobond: i do video editing for an investigations company and freelance video editing as well on the side
DonutLover: sounds….entertaining…..
DonutLover: dot dot dot..lol
davepoobond: very. i’ve always been good with computers, and i love to act smart about things people dont know about, and no one knows anything about video, so therein lies where i make money
davepoobond: and i can rub it in people’s faces too and its easier to act like i know what im doing
DonutLover: arent you charming…hah, i must say i am jealous of tech geeks…there so useful..them and wilderness firefighters..
davepoobond: are you around a lot of fires in the wilderness?
DonutLover: no..but i mean..knowing me..im pretty sure..itll happen
davepoobond: guess it’d be good to keep a pocket fire extinguisher then
DonutLover: they have those?
davepoobond: sure. imagination makes anything possible.
DonutLover: hmmmm….itd be less weight if i just brought a wilderness ff along though
davepoobond: but how would he fit in your pocket
DonutLover: obviously gamers dudes dont use logics much..eh davebond
DonutLover: id carry him on my back
DonutLover: dah
davepoobond: how long have you had a profile for
DonutLover: not sure..i made it along time ago.and havent been on in a while…
davepoobond: into any movies at all?
DonutLover: classics…what are you into
davepoobond: everything
DonutLover: agh…thats specific
davepoobond: i was a film major, so there isn’t a movie that i can’t or won’t watch
davepoobond: the absolute worst movie i have ever seen was Da Hip Hop Witch
davepoobond: and i almost turned it off it was so terrible
DonutLover: haha…awkward
DonutLover: why were you even watching it?
davepoobond: whats your favorite classic movie then
davepoobond: cause i heard Eminem was in it, and that it was supposed to be a parody of The Blair Witch Project
davepoobond: and i thought he was going to be going through the woods with some middle schoolers
davepoobond: but it was nothing like that at all
DonutLover: hahahaha…goodness….i like how that appeals to you..well my classics are not the norms of the designated, i just prefer black and whites, anything with spencer tracey and older war flics..
davepoobond: spencer tracey huh.
DonutLover: for some reason i have no interest in modern comedy..like those bachlor films
DonutLover: tracy gable wayne..i know im a patriot
davepoobond: touch of evil and philadelphia are a couple of ones ive seen that i like
davepoobond: citizen kane until the end was great. i thought the ending was dumb
DonutLover: ive never seen citizen kane
DonutLover: what happens at the ending
davepoobond: geez i cant spoil the ending for you
davepoobond: there’d be no point in watching it
DonutLover: exactly
DonutLover: help a stranger out
DonutLover: odds are….youll enjoy it
davepoobond: enjoy what?
davepoobond: spoiling a movie?
DonutLover: haha….fine ill google it
DonutLover: goodness
davepoobond: at least im not the catalyst
DonutLover: you and your big words
davepoobond: indubitably
DonutLover: i concure
DonutLover: cure
DonutLover: hah
davepoobond: making up words now? awkward
DonutLover: awkwardly awesome
davepoobond: that was actually an inside joke.
davepoobond: cause i’ve made about oh i dont know… 6000 words
DonutLover: and how far has that got ya craphead
davepoobond: i dont know, ill let you know when it gets me somewhere
DonutLover: haha…so i guess well never know then
davepoobond: i found this one girl’s profile where she says she wouldnt mind sleeping on a grave for a first date
DonutLover: shes a keeper
–
She leaves the chat. Apparently she wasn’t very interested.
First Date:
“this is random but i wouldn’t even mind going to a graveyard and fall asleep on a grave.”
– from a girl’s dating profile
“I ACUALLY KNOW HOW TO BE NICE TO GUYS ON HERE UNLIKE ALOT OF THE STUCK OF WHORE ****ES ON HERE WHO THINK THEY ARE TOO GOOD FOR GUYS. WELL WAKE THE **** UP. YOU AINT sh*tWITHOUT A PENIS IN YOUR VAGINA.”
– from a girl’s dating profile
Interests:
“Fucking”
– on a girl’s dating profile.
This is a list of good and bad “That’s what She Said” lines that you can respond to by saying “That’s What She Said!” or the even more heinous “That’s What HE Said!” to sexualize/distort any statement you may hear in a conversation.
The same concept can be used for “…Sounds like a porno I saw”, “…in bed!”, “Your mom/dad…”, and others, you just have to modify the statements to fit with the prefix/suffix phrases.
Leave a comment if you have a suggestion.
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Good ones (they make sense):
“I need a bigger one” …that’s what she said!
“I can’t fit it in my mouth.” …that’s what she said!
“I want some In-N-Out.” …that’s what she said!
“I can’t hold it anymore.” …that’s what she said!
“You put one ball in” …that’s what she said!
“That’s a lot of slides” …that’s what she said! (“slides” like a power point presentation)
“I’m going to fill this up” …that’s what she said!
“It’s still warm back here” …that’s what she said!
“You just got them all right now” …that’s what she said!
“It came out the back” …that’s what she said!
“Where did all the balls go?” ..that’s what she said!
“It is in one of three places” …that’s what she said!
–
Bad ones (they don’t make sense):
(None yet.)
pidan – n. a cute little Asian girl alone in a book storage room
“Oh baby i’m rubbing my spacebar keep moving your mouse oh yah baby here i go i’m gonna download all over my key board here it goes uhhhhh say my name baby ……”
– on a girl’s dating profile
::Girl talks about her soda preferences with her friend::
Girl: “I’m a Coke kid myself.”
davepoobond: “Oh, I was a heroin baby myself.”
::Girl’s friend laughs and Girl scoffs, obviously offended::
::Girl is holding a large bottle of water::
“This is the National Whatever Drink of The Baseball!”
– a customer at davepoobond’s job
Q: What’s another name for a goth girl?
A: A Crow-ho.