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Internet, Screwed Up Chronicles

The Saga of ArchNacho & Tortilla Godzilla

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ArchNacho and Tortilla Godzilla’s Quality Roms was a really funny ROM site that went down around 2006 or so. This is from their “Saga” page.

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First Scroll: Descendance

As with all great legends, the saga of ArchNacho & Tortilla Godzilla is clouded in mystery. In truth, no one knows with certainty what took place those days in a distant past. What is known, however, is that during the month of July in the year 1999, two deities descended from the heavens to this earth to bring light, joy and quality ROMs to the starving, quality-conscious emu-gamers. They had seen wickedness grow in the realm of man and they were worried. Finally, they decided that something would have to be done; they would have to bring light back into the world. And so it was that ArchNacho & Tortilla Godzilla left their heavenly abodes and descended unto the earth.

Wherever they went, they saw sin: the wicked men had piled up ROMs in great numbers, without reviewing a single one, without even a screenshot to guide the lost souls! Some had attempted to hide their sins with glorious web design, and men were easily deceived by this trickery! Others attempted to lead visitors astray by hiding the true ROMs between false links leading to sponsors, to fill their own greedy pockets! Hear ye my word, and heed it well: this is the worst sin of all! Luring the innocent with promises of ROMs that do not exist, in order to fill your own pockets or increase your own fame is unforgivable, and those who commit such devilish acts will forever be frozen in the cold pits of Shukarnach! And hear ye, you who would let your banners POP UP and blind the purehearted with their evil messages of greed, sin and corruption: thou shalt not escape the wrath of the quality-conscious gamers!

All this ArchNacho & Tortilla Godzilla saw in the realm of man, and they knew that it was evil. They would be the light of the world, and what follows is the tale of how they banished darkness and offered to every gamer out there a chance for redemption in the splendour of ArchNacho & Tortilla Godzilla’s Quality ROMs! No more would their souls be corrupted by unreviewed ROMs without screenshots, deceitful links and pop-upping sponsor banners! Take these words to heart, dear reader, for salvation lies within! Rejoice sinners, for your redemption is here!

Second Scroll: “Salvation”

And so it came to pass, in an age long gone, that ArchNacho & Tortilla Godzilla’s Quality ROMs was born. In the Rochmann castle, strategically positioned on the slope of Mt. Kjølen, in a city called Tromsø far, far to the north in a kingdom known as Norway, the two began their hard work. Initial results were not as good as they had hoped, but ArchNacho & Tortilla Godzilla had no intention of giving up, so they struggled on. The huddled masses of the net were in desperate need of this shining beacon of hope, integrity and quality ROMs!

Finally, one cold August evening, the first draft was ready and released unto the net. One might say that it looked like crap, and one would not be entirely incorrect.Yet, intentions were good, the jokes were crazy, and the graphics were arguably so crappy it was funny! After all, the Christians spent 400 years collecting and deciding on their new testament, whereas these triumphant two had completed their holy texts in only a few months. In addition, the great advantage of AN&TG’s Quality ROMs over all other holy texts, quickly became apparent: it was ever-expanding and ever-improving! Ever onwards for greater enlightenment and a larger collection of Quality ROMs!

Game Reviews, Games

Fran Bow (PC) Demo Preview

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Currently in a crowdfunding campaign at IndieGoGo.com.

Developer: Killmonday

Overview:

Children. Strange happenings. Dirty walls. Psychotic medications. These are just some of the things I can’t get grandma to shut up about. These elements are also present in this great preview for an upcoming horror-themed point and click adventure. Fran Bow shares its name with the lead protagonist (Fran Bow, if you’re paying attention).

Story:

Fran Bow is a ten year old, saucer-eyed girl in the Bow family that seems to have trouble making friends. She receives a black cat from her parents and dubs it “Mr. Midnight.” She remarks that the cat is her only friend, although she quite likes her aunt Grace as well.

We all know that in any good story, if one good thing happens, five bad things have to occur right after. Fran Bow finds this out as she comes across her murdered parents one tragic night. This understandably sends her running into the night in a panic. She finds solace only in Mr. Midnight, and eventually blacks out from the traumatic event.

An untold amount of time passes, and we find poor Fran in a psychiatric evaluation center, surrounded by adults that either don’t believe her story, or don’t care. She is given a new medication that sends her into a bizarro world where there is nothing but death and misery every time she takes it.

She knows that her aunt Grace would take good care of her, but no one will let her leave. Can she find a way out? Will she find Mr. Midnight and aunt Grace? Does she need prescription eye drops to see properly?

Graphics:

The characters and setting are very stylized and detailed. Animations are on the basic side but I believe this was done for artistic purposes. Nothing looks out of place, and the game maintains a great visual theme throughout the demo. Little touches like the grainy filter covering the screen help to immerse the player further into the story. The characters are appropriately disturbed looking and mesh well with the creepy atmosphere.

Sound:

All music and sound effects are appropriate for the situation, which is really all I ask for in a game. Still, it would’ve been nice to have a few more sounds, such as a little jingle when you played with a toy.

Gameplay:

Standard point and click adventure mechanics, which you’d expect any game in this genre to have. You click on items to examine or take them, and use things you find to try to escape the asylum. Fran’s a very clever girl, so she can combine different objects together through her inventory menu and use them to reach her goals.

Fran also has a bit of a troubled mind. She carries around a jar of the psychotropic pills that the doctor didn’t want her to have anymore. If you decide to pop one, the room you’re in is transformed into some horrible alternate reality filled with dead bodies, evil spirits, and bloody messages on walls that sometimes hint at what you should do next.

There are several fun, just-challenging-enough puzzles to satisfy anyone looking to use their brain. These can vary from finding a key, to combing the right items together to progress the story.

Crappiest Part:

The fact that this is only a demo and the full version isn’t funded yet! That’s a not-very-subtle way of me telling you to go pledge on their campaign!

Overall:

Aside from a few grammar and spelling mistakes here and there due to the company not speaking English as their first language, Fran Bow oozes professionalism (and lots of other stuff if you take your pills). The demo is a good length, being just long enough to make you want the full game. I suggest anyone interested in well-done adventure games, or just games with a good story, to head over to their IndieGoGo page and throw down what you can to help make this great game happen.

Fran Bow IndieGoGo Crowdfunding Campaign

Stories

A Crusty Evening

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“This is a sad day indeed!” I’ll always remember those words.

It was a hot summer day and the carnival was in town once again. Nevermind the silly little rides that the majority of the youth would waste their time with. I was there for one reason: the event that made yokels from miles ’round gather to witness. The challenge of the champions, the fight of the fatsos, the battle of the bulge! That’s right, the famed pie-eating contest.

This was the time of year all of the wives of the manly men of the town would spend many a night concocting an alluring assortment of delightfully delicious delicacies that dwelled in the darkest dreams of the obese competitors even weeks before the event. One of these wives, Mary Anne Truckstop, was the loving wife of Darryl Truckstop, the longest reigning pie eating champion in all of town. Each year Mary Anne would try to create a new, innovative kind of pie. One year she made a lard, apple, and aloe pie, but no one liked it! Another year she made a pot pie, except it really was made of pieces of broken pots, and no one liked it either! One year she thought she had really hit the spot. She didn’t hit the spot, though, but at least she made a spot on the livers of all who ate the pies.

This year Darryl was really pressuring Mary Anne to make the most fantastic pie recipe the town, and possibly the county, had ever known. Whenever she resisted he denied her of her rocking chair privileges and sent her to bed without dinner, so she started experimenting with every possible ingredient she could find to impress the public and, most of all, her precious Darryl.

On the day of the contest, as I was on my way to the carnival in my Geo Metro Convertible Custom, the DJ interrupted my favorite song to announce that Mary Anne would not be attending the fair. My heart sank, my blood boiled, my timing belt snapped. Thankfully I had just arrived at the Carnival. I listened to the rest of Blue Man Group’s “Drumbone,” then headed to the event with sour lips and sour expectations.

As I stood, waiting for the event to start, an angry and disappointed Darryl took a seat behind the pie table. He was the last to arrive. Others at the competition were “Big” Bill Owens, “Plopping” Harley Banks, and Don Reed aka “Popsicle Eyebrows.” The gentlemen cracked their knuckles and adjusted their belts accordingly. It was obvious that the men hadn’t eaten in a while, as the sound of their rumble was overwhelming to the point of deafening if you didn’t have your mouth open. At last, the contest began! The wives of most of the men participating slid their pies across the table. The men grabbed the pies and started devouring with no hesitation. Something strange was happening: Darryl was in last place! No matter how much pie he shoved into his mouth with his meaty hooks, he was still a crust behind. “This is a sad day indeed!” shouted my just-arriving dad whom I’d forgotten to bring with me.

It was down to the last ten seconds. Darryl had drifted further and further behind. At the eight second mark, all of the viewers saw something for the first time. Darryl just stopped chewing. He closed his eyes and began to cry, the pie filling foaming out of his mouth. At the three second mark, four brown and gray pies slid across the table. Darryl decided to give it one last shot and began to consume the pie. Metal crunched, twigs snapped, and paint ran inside the mouths of the men. All of the men except Darryl began to puke hard, spilling a rainbow of different colored filling. Darryl stood strong, stuffing all of the remaining pies down his throat.

The time was up. It was time to make the big decision. As the judges finished their tallies, it was come to the decision that Darryl had still only come in second. The winner was Bill Owens. The crowd booed loudly and started throwing their money until they realized what they were doing. Bill Owens waddled over to the man holding the trophy and raised it high. The sudden change of elevation from standing up began to take its toll on Bill. He threw the trophy to the ground and began hurling into the gas tank of a John Deere nearby. The judges re-tallied how many pies Bill had actually digested and ruled Darryl as the winner once again! The crowd roared with applause and cheerful laughter. Darryl knew that the only reason he won was because of the terrible pies that were given to them near the end. He had always had an iron stomach because of his wife’s cooking. He picked up the trophy and glanced over to see Mary Anne clapping for him. He handed her the trophy. “Here you go, honey…you deserve to hold it until we get home” he admitted. The two hugged and all was good.

This town doesn’t have much of a history, but one memory that will always live on is the legend of Darryl and Mary Anne Truckstop. Even though he got lost traveling to an out-of-county tree sale next week and was never heard of again, the track record of Darryl will never be forgotten.

THE END

Fairy Tales, Stories

Oopsy Daisy!

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Little Daisy is trying to make her first cake. What a cute adventure into womanhood! But sadness sweeps over her as she realizes she left out everything but the eggs and the icing. Her eyes start to rain down big salty tears, because her cake is no good. She’s just about to run to her room when a warm, calming hand touches her shoulder.

“Grandpa!” she yelps, surprised, trying to hide her tears. “Now, now, no need to cover your face, I know you’re ugly.” Grandpa says jokingly. This didn’t seem to help the situation at all, as she starts to cry louder. “Stop the water works now, my little princess. Let me tell you a little something. Sit down here.” Grandpa pulls out a chair for Daisy and she sits down. He thinks of trying another ugly joke, but is afraid she’ll start crying again.

“A long time ago, I was a little girl just like you,” Grandpa says. “Really?” Daisy asks, no longer crying. “Yes,” Grandpa continues, “You should’ve seen my room, it was beautiful. I had Marilyn Monroe wallpaper, an Elvis bedspread, a Dick Clark record player, and a Steve Carell make-up case.” “Wow!” Daisy exclaims. “You ain’t just whistlin’ Dixie!” Grandpa replies.

“I remember one time, when I was about your age, I got into my parents’ special cabinet. That’s what led to your grampy’s eventual incarceration, but that’s a different story. Anyway, my father, your great grandpa, caught me. That’s when he brought out his most expensive belt, which he called the ‘Cat of Ninetails from Hell.’ He laid a beating on me that went on for hours. He carved me up like a Halloween jackolantern.” Grandpa chuckles.

“That’s terrible!” Daisy shouts. “I thought so, too.” Grandpa says. “But looking back, he was only doing it to show he loves me, so I’ll always treasure it.” “I want treasure!” Daisy responded. “Well shiver me timbers then, matey!” Grandpa says in a gruff tone. ‘Set sail for beatdown! Go get your grampy’s 2×4, the one with the nails. Do you have your tetanus shot?” “What’s tetanus?” Daisy asks. “Good!” Shouts Grandpa with a smile.

The high pitched squeals fill the house for the next two days. Daisy will always remember the cake accident. But she will know, in her mind and in her heart, that Grandpa almost killed her with a board to show her how much he loves her.

Fairy Tales, Stories

Marshmallow Cosby

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You know it, I know it, everyone knows it. By now it is only common sense that Bill Cosby loves marshmallows. From their milky white texture to the way they feel like toxic sludge when you put them in your mouth, marshmallows are incomparable to any other food in the world. Even spaghetti, believe it or not. But I bet you haven’t heard of the escapades Bill has been through involving the fluffy, tasty creations.

The year was 1994 AD. Bill’s ego was riding high from the incredible, overwhelming sucess of The Cosby Mysteries. He was taking his daily jog through the park, listening to Fats Domino on his new TalkBoy. His head bob-a-dob-dobbed and his knees rat-a-tat-tatted rhythmically to the quick tumpa-tumpa of his heartbeat.

I know what you’re thinking: “This isn’t your ordinary run-of-the-mill slow paced yet healthy jog for Mr. Cosby!” Well, you’re right! Bill had marshmallows on the mind, and after the stroll he headed straight for the supermarket. Holding his basket out like a collection plate, he swept all of the bags of marshmallows he could find in, even the generic brands.

Before he could make his way to the counter, he was grabbed from behind and pulled into the employee restroom. “Get your hands off the Cosb!” shouted Bill, but this didn’t stop the assailant from sitting Bill in the sink and gluing his arms to the mirror with a hot glue gun that must’ve been conveniently placed in the bathroom. Bill hadn’t been in this much trouble since Malcolm Jamal-Warner caught him eating his crescent rolls.

“Mr. Cosby, with all due respect, if you keep eating those marshmallows by the fistful, you’ll be too large for TV!” Bill’s reply to this was his trademark rolling of the eyes, complete with laugh track. “Now see here,” Bill said. “It’s not like I’m eating delicious Jello Puddin’ Pops, they’re harmless little tufts of puff! Please, please, PLEASE feed me some, right now!” Bill opened his mouth wide and wiggled his tongue around, waiting to be treated. He was treated to a hard slap in the face. Bill looked at the man angrily. “Hey hey hey!” he roared in an enraged Fat Albert voice.

Their bickering eventually led to the signing of a pact; Bill was not allowed to eat marshmallows ever again. Bill did not jog home that day, he walked. His head did not bob-a-dob-dob and his knees did not rat-a-tat-tat. His TalkBoy ate his Fats Domino tape, but he didn’t care.

The first couple of weeks under the rule went surprisingly well, almost to the point of Bill forgetting about the snack he once treasured. But one day on his way to the flea market, he saw something that would forever change his life: the Hosebush Marshmallow Company was trying to create the world’s largest Marshmallow in the park he regularly jogged in. Bill immediately fell to his knees and starting bowing, claiming it as his new god.

The man who had made him sign the pact was there, however. He knew this was going to happen. “Listen to me, Bill. Don’t do anything you’ll regret, your career is on the line!” he begged. Bill grabbed the pact out of his hands and shoved it in his mouth. He chewed on it loudly and spit it back in the man’s face. The man started bawling into his hands and ran off, screaming “This is the end of Cosby as we know it!” “It’s MINE!” Bill shouted. He started pushing and elbowing people out of his way, growling with excitement.

He grabbed the side of the giant marshmallow and began clawing his way up. The people that had worked so hard making the marshmallow were running around, yelling at each other in frustration. Bill reached the top and ripped off his shirt. He slapped his belly a few times for good measure and dove down head first into the concoction. He started to tunnel his way down the center, using only his mouth and perfect set of choppers. “There go his canines,” thought the local dentist worriedly as he looked on.

In mere minutes, the entire marshmallow was devoured. Bill was so full, he couldn’t move. He was so big that when he rolled his eyes, it sounded like thunder. TV executives rushed in and handcuffed him, then hauled him off to be locked away in the NBC Fat Camp for two years.

During the years he spent trying to work off his fat, Bill was replaced on television by none other than Ray Romano, who covered himself with black ash to conceal his identity. If you look closely at footage from those years, you can faintly make out his Jewish chin. Ray also later played the role of Darlene on the series finale of “Roseanne.”

At last, in the spring of 1996, Bill was back and better than ever! Although the thought of another marshmallow binge was very tempting for him, he knew what it would do if it happened again. To this very day, every time Bill sees a bag of them, he grimaces in a way that makes him look sort of like a cross between GW Bush and Robert De Niro, with maybe a hint of Queen Elizabeth. This is a very ugly sight and Bill knows it, so he tries his best to stay away from the tempting morsels.

America loves Bill, and I’m sure you have your hand on your heart right now, saluting that he had the strength and willpower to fight his deadly addiction. I hope you have learned a lesson, and that you yourself do not become a “Marshmallow Cosby.”

THE END

Game Reviews, Games

Pawn Stars (Web) Review

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Developer: ??? | Publisher: History Channel || || Overall: Good

Ever want to own a pawn shop? What do you mean no? Why are you walking away? Come on, you know you want to! Before I delve into this Pawn Stars Facebook game review, I’m going to give a brief summary of the show that it’s based on:

Rick Harrison, his “Old Man” (I don’t think he has a name), his son Corey aka “Big Hoss,” and a friendly, simple man named Chumlee star in a History Channel show about a pawn shop that operates in Las Vegas. The show features staged presentations of people trying to sell their antiques for various reasons. Nine times out of ten, the person is completely ripped off by Rick, who pretends that the item they’re trying to sell is only attractive to a limited market, only to turn around to the camera and remark that he already has three potential buyers for it.

Now that you know the skinny about the show, let’s talk about the game.

You start out by naming your pawn shop and choosing the person who will be behind the counter. At level 1 you’re limited to just the free workers, who are good enough at this point. They each have three stat bars that show their expertise: Knowledge, Happiness, and Selling. These stats can make a big difference when it comes to making money, as they are all important when it comes to the pawn biz. They also have different categories that they are especially knowledgeable in. I personally chose “Al” who mysteriously looks like Al Roker and appears to have his same charm and wit. After all is said and done you start to actually play the game.

This is where the hardcore pawn (oops, that’s a different show) business starts, but at least you have the gang from the show to help you out! Well, they don’t really help. They just pop up occasionally and make faces at you. Anyway, you should already have a few customers waiting in line. A preview of the items they want to sell you appears over their heads, along with bars that indicate their current moods. The longer they wait, the more their moods go down. The Happiness stat on your worker also affects this. When you decide who you want to deal with, simply click on them.

The haggle screen is pretty simple. The person offers what they think the item is worth and you can either counter-offer, accept their offer, or refuse the item altogether, which makes the person leave your shop. On this screen you can also have the item appraised for $200 if you think you may be able to con the guy into giving you a lot less than it’s worth like Rick does on the show. The final choice on this screen is to pray to the pawn shop gods and automatically receive wisdom on the item in question. This costs money, though. The gods have to make a living too.

After buying something you can proudly display it on your shelf or table and wait for someone to make an offer. The time you have to wait for an offer increases the higher the item is worth. Hopefully after the time elapses, the offer made is higher than what you paid for it. If it is, sell it! If it isn’t, you can either cut your losses and get rid of it anyway or wait for the next offer, which could be higher or lower, no telling.

Occasionally someone will bring in a broken item. You can buy these “restoration” pieces and either try to restore them, or break them down for parts to use on other restorations. Restorations can be a long and expensive journey, as some items have several stages of fixing up that cost valuable time, money, and parts. There is a nice selection of ways to fix things up, however, so you can customize things to your liking, whether it makes you money or not.

Too much buying and selling, you say? You also have the option to decorate your shop with various items, some of which have benefits like increasing happiness of customers, decreasing time to wait for a customer, etc. Some of these cost money, some cost “candies.” This is where Facebook rears its ugly head and tries to get you to pay real money for fake Facebook credits so you can buy more candy. If you’re not willing to do that, then it is going to take a long time to earn enough candies to buy anything.

All in all, the Pawn Stars Facebook game is a very addictive, fun little time waster. If you want to be like Rick Harrison, put on a hundred or so pounds and wear a tacky polo shirt with no undershirt. But if you want to own a pawn shop, play this game and see if you have what it takes to make a living off of other peoples’ ignorance and gullibility!

If you have a Facebook account, you can play Pawn Stars here.

Fake Games, Games

Bilton Scraggly’s Board Gayme Bonanza

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Bilton Scraggly specializes in entertaining board games for the modest homosexual. These are just a few of the many fun adventures waiting on the shelves at your local retailer!

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Gay Checkers

This simple yet surprisingly fun game is the one you’re more likely to see being played by young ones. This checkered board will make you checkered with joy and make you scream out your darkest fantasies when you reign supreme!

Game rules: The two teams consist of rainbow colored and pastel colored pieces. Enemy pieces are not jumped, they are humped, forcing the enemy piece to live in their lavish gay community. The player must giggle and smile at the opponent before taking his turn. When a player’s piece reaches the opposite side of the board, that piece gets gay rights and gets the honor of having a second piece stacked on top of it (every man’s dream). The game ends when all of a player’s pieces are trapped in the other’s gay community or when Will & Grace comes on, whichever comes first.

Game terminology:

Teapot Tap – When the player moves a piece with their pinky.

Head & Shoulders Solution – When a player attempts to distract the other by complimenting the volume of his hair.

Intermission – When the players take a time out to brush each others’ teeth in the middle of the game.

Elton John Backstroke: When a piece with gay rights humps a piece behind itself.

Don’t ask, just yell – Alternate term for winning the game.

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Gay Chess

Ahh gay chess, the gay thinking man’s game. This strategic masterpiece will test your wits and patience in a skimpy fight to the death!

Game rules: There are no kings in gay chess, only queens, so each player gets two of them. No piece is allowed to move in a straight line. The game ends when one player admits their secret carrot cake recipe to the other.

Piece types before and after:

Bishop – Gay clergyman

Knight (horse) – Richard Simmons on a pinata

Pawn – Catholic boy

Rook (castle) – Neverland Ranch

Game terminology:

Cross-dress – When the player’s piece is switched for another on the opposite side of the board.

Geisha confidence – When the player bows after moving.

Paris Hilton Position – When the player sits cross-legged during play.

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Manopoly

The original buying and trading properties game, only this one is gay! Let Rich Aunt Penny Bags lead you through a journey of building houses and hotels, showing off your country’s gay capitalism.

Game rules: Kisses are the only currency used in Manopoly. If a player lands on the income tax space, they must kiss a close male relative. If the player passes Joe, they get a helpful pat on the rear. If the player lands ON Joe, every player sticks their finger in his belly button. Community’s Chest and Glance cards are drawn and performed down to the smallest detail.

Card examples:

Go to mail – Do not pass Joe. Go to the post office and make all postal workers uncomfortable.

Take a ride – On another player, then proceed to the Reading Railroad.

Gender error in your favor – Turns out you’re half woman!

Game terminology:

The big tease – When a player blows on the dice before rolling.

Homoerotic barter – Alternate term for a trade.

Free parking – When a player sits in another’s lap.

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Bodyship

Imagine this–you’re on a gigantic warship in the middle of the ocean, firing artillery at any boat that comes by. Then you wake up in a bathtub with a man. Welcome to Bodyship!

Game rules: The players divide their body up into sections. When a section is guessed, the player wipes that section of the opponent’s body with a moist towelette. The game ends when the player “hits the spot,” or until the players run out of moist towelettes/licked toilet paper.

Game terminology:

Frosty – When a player breaks out into a cold sweat.

Mowing the lawn – When hair accidentally comes off with the towelette.

Honk attempt – When the player tries to wipe something that makes noise.

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Other family friendly games available from Bilton Scraggly:

  • Gay Connect Four
  • Gay Topple
  • Slip ‘n’ Ride
  • Gaytor Golf
  • Hungry Hungry Gay Men
  • Guess Who (is gay)
  • Gay Risk
  • Electronic Talking Bodyship
TV, Screwed Up Chronicles

Knights of Mayhem (TV Show) Review

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Channel: National Geographic Channel

A show about jousting. Doesn’t get much more exciting than that. Except maybe shows about pinball, cake walks, knitting, and the pawn shop show with that delightful Chumlee!

Knights of Mayhem follows jousting captain and “World Champion” Charlie Andrews as he dons a full set of metal armor and gets medieval (literally) on the other couple of people that engage in this idiotic activity.

Charlie is apparently very experienced and has given up everything, including his family, to do this for a living. This proves that he has major priority problems and various mental disorders, possibly stemming from seeing his paw get runned over by horses as a child.

I don’t care who you are, what you look like, how long you’ve been doing it, whatever. If you’re a grown man wearing armor and hitting other men with sticks, you’re a jackass.

What happened to National Geographic? When I was a kid it was all about half naked African women riding elephants. I guess a good thing can’t last forever. I give this show a THUMBS DOWN.

TV, Screwed Up Chronicles

Rock Stars (TV Show) Review

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Channel: National Geographic Channel

Would you like to have proof that anything can be made into a television show? Here you go!

Rock Stars is a show about men (manly men) who scale walls of rocks next to roads and poke them with sticks until the rocks fall. This is all it is about. It is 30 minutes of guys acting macho and digging rocks.

While we’re making shows about boring jobs why don’t we make a series about insurance salesmen or pizza delivery boys? I wish there were more to write about for this review but that is quite literally all there is.

So if you get your rocks off to people getting rocks off, this is for you. Otherwise, rock this show. I give it a THUMBS DOWN.

 

Fun Links

“Hey Maestro” celebrating 10 years!

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Hi this is J2K. In 2001 I made a thread on the GamePro.com forums entitled “Hey Maestro, I think we’re the only ones here!”. Somehow the thread ballooned up into thousands and thousands of posts long and is even intact on their forums today! Don’t believe me? Check this out:

“The original “Hey Maestro, I think we’re the only ones here” topic was started by a user named j2k as a random, late-night discussion and, for whatever unknown reason, took on a life of its own with thousands of replies. It became the unofficial “anything goes” topic, the thread for any and all random thoughts and conversations–something of a forum mascot. Due to server errors and whatnot, the thread has been restarted several times, most recently by a GamePro editor who wanted to see the tradition continue. Whatever the topic’s current count, you can add about 25,000 to it from the earlier editions. And that said, please don’t try to duplicate it–it’s one of a kind and we like it that way.”

http://www.gamepro.com/blogs/fatface/post/18422/

If anyone out there is from the original GamePro forums and sees this, please comment!

On another note. You’ll be seeing a lot more content on this site from me in the near future so stay tuned!

– J2K

Game Reviews, Games

Schuyler Hunt (PC) Review

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Game by EEs.  Made with Game Maker.  No download is available — if it ever does become available, it will be uploaded.

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Overview:

Some old company called Schuyler & Sons closed for some spooky reason, and you think that there is money hidden within the old joint.

Schuyler Hunt is a point and click adventure, which is rarely seen in the Game Maker community. It even has a little inventory system! Is this tale scary enough to warrant playing? Let’s find out!

Graphics:

Though the pictures were randomly picked from an image search and colored black and white, they go incredibly well together and make this fictional place seem real. The rooms you go through have an eerie feeling to them, and make you expect for something to jump out at you at any moment. However, the few hand-drawn sprites that are in the game are incredibly terrible. Everything that was drawn looks like it was concocted in MS Paint in a matter of seconds and really lessens the creepy atmosphere. Also, the maker of this game’s first language is not English and it shows, as frequent misspellings and unintelligible notes litter a large part of the game. Still though, the backgrounds do a pretty good job of immersing you into the game.

Sound:

The music in Schuyler Hunt is very well done and adds a lot to the already creepy atmosphere. The game features no sound effects, but this gives it sort of a charm, as adding a lot of sounds may ruin immersion.

Gameplay:

You point and click just like any other point and click adventure, only when you click on an item that can be picked up, it automatically puts it into your inventory. Left clicking on certain things will either give you a short description of it or place it into your inventory. Right clicking on your inventory will give you a description of the item and can be pretty handy if you’re unsure of what to do with it. Right clicking on notes will show you what is written on them, though almost all of the notes in the game are completely useless and make no sense.

Crappiest Part:

Definitely definitely definitely the hand-drawn graphics. If any effort at all would’ve been put into them, the quality of the game would’ve multiplied. But the way that they are, the game looks very amateur and sometimes ridiculous.

Overall Score:

Schuyler Hunt is a pretty smart game that focuses more on atmosphere than anything. My gripes are that the game could’ve been a little longer, it could’ve had better spelling (although the reason for the misspellings is understandable), the notes mostly make no sense, and most of all the drawn graphics are just flat out terrible. This game could obviously have been better, but it is a fun game that sucked me in the whole time. That’s something I can hardly ever say for a Game Maker game.

8.5/10

(C) Song Parodies, Poetry and Songs

Cragula

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Parody of “Dragula” by Rob Zombie.

———————-

*Fast paced demonic rap beat*

Gay I am the man,
I skullfucked Jackie Chan.
Felt his boner, hard as brick,
Nothing to lose buuuuuut my dick.

*Frogs yodeling in background*

Hand in pants it is,
Feel my monkey jizz.
Cool breeze iiiiin my face,
Jacked off in a vase.

*Insane rap beats*

Dig in my britches and turn, see a worm, makes you squirm, chickichickichicki
Dig in my britches and turn, see a worm, makes you squirm, chickichickichicki

*Silence*

But you’d like that too much, wouldn’t ya?

*Fast pased demonic rap beat*

Ass that has the corns,
Five ninety-nine to blow my horn.
McDonalds here we are,
Look at my ass it’s full of brass get the fuck out of my caaaaaaaaar-

*Gary Coleman jumps in and starts rapping*

You think it’s cool when ya fool but the only one you’re foolin is yo mom. Get your act together and dress for the weather shake my dick all the way to the prom.

*Gary Coleman is stripping while rapping*

You want some of dis but it’s something you can’t see be real sad call your dad tell em bout the birds and my big fucking bee.

*Turntable wa-was, then demonic fast paced rap beat*Dig in my britches and turn, see a worm, makes you squirm, chickichickichicki
Dig in my britches and turn, see a worm, makes you squirm, chickichickichicki

Greatness is this song,
Listen to it all day long.
But save the night for someone else,
Have fun with your mom beware the nails.

*People start going “hey hey hey hey” in the background*

1, 2 ,3 4 6,
Jerking in a can of pick up sticks.
You caaaaan’t and won’t believe,
My dick you will recieve.

*People still doing the “hey hey” thing*

Dig in my britches and turn, see a worm, makes you squirm, chickichickichicki
Dig in my britches and turn, see a worm, makes you squirm, chickichickichicki

*Gary Coleman comes back as music drops*

I vant to suck your dick!

**End song**

Game Reviews, Games

Red Faction II (PC) Review

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Alright, I was expecting a lot out of this, since the first one was so creative and unique in many ways. I gave it too many chances, I should’ve known it was going to be godawful as soon as the game started and it took me twenty minutes to figure out that you’re supposed to blow up a staircase or something (the wall is invincible). The back of the Red Faction II case boasts that it has the Geo-Mod technology that RF1 had so I was pretty pumped up. I was very dissapointed. It’s more of a team game, except the thing is your teammates can’t die. You can simply stand back and let them do all the work for you. The back of the case also brags about the ability to control vehicles, I saw at least 30 vehicles that are completely unable to be interacted with. The enemies have clever scripted lines everytime you do a specific task such as “GRENADE!” and “I have a few bullets saved for you!” Please take note that they say these things even when there’s no possible way they can see you or what you’re doing. The weapons are plentiful at the least: you start out with grenades and some kind of assault rifle, next thing you know you’re packed with about half a trillion rockets and a launcher. Why anyone would ever EVER want to switch from the rocket launcher to some other weapon is beyond me. It’s one of those situations where you wonder “Should I shoot them with a rifle for three hours or just shoot a shitload of rockets and blow them all to hell in a max time of six seconds?” Unlike RF1, it involves absolutely NO strategic effort whatsoever, you just run around shooting people with a rocket launcher. That is until you get to the helicopter part, this stage is quite different. You are now shooting people with rockets IN A HELICOPTER!! The designers of this masterpiece have really stretched their imagination limits on this one. So after you kill 3/4 of the city’s population, the helicopter gets shot down (despite the fact that I had well over 50% “heli-health” at the time that it happened) And thus comes the exciting sewer adventure. After you wonder around for countless hours looking for pipes to swim in you end up in a subway station. Dodging the train was bad enough, but they had to invent an enemy that challenges even the Cliff Racer from Morrowind in pure annoyance. A small bug robot thing which I like to call “fucking bastard” comes up to you and simply explodes on you for no reason. Sure that isn’t that bad, but they had to put about 400 of them in every three feet of the station. I’d like to take a small time out to add the fact that in no parts of these stages are any walls able to be blown up, some floors can be holed, but is there any hidden wall items? Of course not, because there’s no such thing as “paths that can be used as a shortcut instead of wondering around a scripted path like an idiot.” This really makes me sick, and they shouldn’t have even named it Red Faction II if it had nothing to do with the system used in RF1. But let’s slow down here for a second…what DOES it have to do with RF1? Well your team is called the Red Faction, that is it. They are not dressed or organized like the Red Faction at all. Now if you haven’t already noticed, this game is completely pointless and is just like every other ordinary FPS out there (including ones made years ago). Well anyway, a few years later you get to take control of a giant suit of armor and…you’ll never believe this…shoot rockets at people. I was shooting things hoping for a path to open up for thirty straight minutes. I kept shooting rockets at some kind of stumps sticking out of the ground, then I figured out that you have to shoot right in the middle of them. Gone are the days of shooting near it and watching part of it blow away, or just simply walking over them. Also, the whole time this is happening some army cliche kept shouting “GOOD SHOT!” This game sucks. You end up having to protect some guys on the street and jumping across buildings, some guys were shooting at me from below so I jumped down adn immediately died in the undodgable fire wall circling the building. I really didn’t give a shit and I quickly turned the game off. It was by far the best part of the entire game. In conclusion, this is NOT an RF game, it’s more like a Doom meets Unreal Tournament kind of shindig. I’m just glad I only rented it and didn’t go out and buy it first thing like some suckers. I got way more pleasure off playing Terminator 2: Judgement Day for the SNES, pretty bad huh? Stay away from RF2 unless you like blowing your money on pointless piles of crap. Graphics: 9 Sound: 7 Replayabilty: 0 Fun Factor: -5 Controls: 7 Overall: 18 out of 50 stars (basically a 4/10)

MULTIPLAYER:

This one’s going to be short due to there’s absolutely nothing new in Multiplayer. There’s a few maps and you choose bots to play against, nothing special. What IS special however is the gameplay when you fire up a map. I’ve never seen a better deathmatch on any FPS game than RF1, all the walls that are able to be blown up, the awesome flamethrowers that you can throw the gas canister from, and Geo-Mod secrets. Well they’ve somehow screwed up that up in RF2, they include a few weapons and enable 2 whole walls in all maps combined to be blown up. I even saw that there’s a map from RF1 available, “There’s no possible way they can screw THIS up!” I shouted to myself for no apparent reason…..I was wrong. Imagine this, you’re transported to the good ol’ two-base map of RF1, but you noticed something’s changed…The weapons on the ground no longer look at all like weapons, they’re now cardboard cut-outs colored blue and red. But they act as if they were real weapons if you walk over them. I can see how some would like this but I find it just annoying that the whole map is covered in large blue and red icons, I guess it’s because I’m “sane.” Anyway, I immediately ran up the top of my base and got the huge rocket launcher (which now isn’t near as big) and shot it…I almost puked. 1. The rocket hit the wall, blowing up about 1/8 as big as the rocket from RF1, I mean that rocket was fucking huge and hurt you from miles away. Now that was firepower. 2. The only thing it did to the wall was make a big black spot. Seeing as RF1 was able to make every square inch of wall blastable, why the hell can’t RF2?? This made my stomach cringe in pain. The most memorable moment I’d say was when I was in a deathmatch with two people with idiotic names and I tried to shoot the bridge out from under them. It made a big black mark, then about three seconds the mark dissapeared. Thank you THQ! There’s other multiplayer modes but I was too sick to try them out. Bagman: You grab a bag and try to hold it for the longest time without getting killed. O_o Capture the Flag: Get the other team’s flag and bring it to your base. o_O Arena: Like deathmatch except everyone has the same weapon. o_o Team Arena: Same as above, with teams. This game sucks, there’s no way around it. Whoever finds this game even remotely fun should be injected with the same shit the designing team of RF2 was, only eight hundred times more. (I’m looking at you Mark) Go get Bloodrayne instead.

Game Reviews, Games

Ore No Ryori (PC) Second Opinion Review

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  Ore No Ryori (PC) (2.7 MiB, 1,353 hits)

Game by Vertigo Games, made with Game Maker.

–

I’d read about this game a few days before it was released, and being the simulator loving mormon I am I downloaded it the first day the author released it to the public. Ore No Ryori means “my cooking” in Japanese despite what the loading screen says and the game is just that…cooking.

A relative of yours is ill and now you’re the chef/dishwasher/waiter/everything that isn’t the cashier of his restaurant. Which must’ve been pretty crappy before the relative became ill because you start out with nothing but some pizza and beer to sell. The action starts almost immediately, and people start running in ordering pizza and beer left and right. The goal is to raise $30,000 in 40 days or the restaurant will be shut down for….some reason. No borrowing money from granny’s purse now big boy, it’s time to sell nachos.

At the end of every day you have the choice to buy objects to upgrade your restaurant. There’s a tip jar for customers who got orders that you did just right, a candy rack for the guys who got burnt pizza and over-filled beer (which is like me ordering a pizza, getting two instead, then not tipping because I only ordered one), some safety objects, some new food to sell, a hot bar, and various electronics. The safety objects are good for bribing the Board of Health who come by every 4 days to stick their penis in your snacks. If you fail the inspection you have to hand over five hundred big ones, which will most likely piss you off. The new foods that are available are nachos, burgers, steaks, and soup. It’s best to get all the food early in the game if you want to actually win.

After buying all the food, things can get pretty hectic. Running after a thief while handing out soup and cooking a steak can be quite a workout, as well as serving the bastard that comes in every two seconds wanting a beer. The mailman comes by every now and then and gives you either bills or a package. The bills can either result in you losing or gaining thirty-five dollars, the package is from your relatives, which is sometimes a picture (even though after you get the first one, the other ones don’t show up) and other times two hundred dollars, which isn’t half bad for a sick guy. The before-mentioned hot bar is good for cash and nothing else (like everything else in the game), people run by it and grab food, leaving fifteen dollars in with the Chinese eyeballs or whatever the hell is in it. Last and probably least are the electronics. There’s a TV to increase the customers’ waiting time for food (I don’t think it works), a phone that, when picked up, is almost always a seventy dollar loss by your wifebeating landlord, and actually I think that’s all the electronics there are, a bug zapper sure would have been appreciated.

So did I like this game? Yes I did, very much so. I’ve played it for two or three hours and can now safely consider myself a master in the vitual cooking realm, which probably won’t score me that many dates now that I think about it. But everyone knows I’ve played Mark Platinum now so there’s no chance in hell I could ever get a date with anyone ever again. Sure this game may not have taught me all there is about cooking, but sure taught me that using too many parenthesis in a review makes you look like an idiot.

Graphics: 4

Gameplay: 8

Sound: 7

Controls: 8

Replayability: 7

Overall: 34/50 (basically a 7/10)

An angry pirate stands at the meth lab while I pour him some home brewed urine from the tap.

  Ore No Ryori (PC) (2.7 MiB, 1,353 hits)

Game by Vertigo Games, made with Game Maker.