Tag Archives: Britain

World, Screwed Up Chronicles

Ireland: Status Quo for Ireland

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Note: This is a debate about whether or not reforming Ireland in the 1800s would be good or not.

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By davepoobond:

Ireland will stay the same when it comes to the British. Irish hate British. Irish don’t like the British because they tried to rule over them, but they don’t like that. Crumpets and tea – no way! The Irish don’t like anything about the British, no sir.  Fish and chips – yeah, right.

The Irish like to fight, so therefore they fight the British. British don’t like the color green so they fight the Irish. Irish don’t like Scottish because they’re on different islands.

The Irish like to drink magnificent amounts of alcohol, having boxing matches with farm animals, the first Irish war started when an Irishman blew up on a hot air balloon, and boxed it for 3 hours straight.

By Soup Nazi:

Dave and I are for the reform of Ireland. Anglican churches were using Irish money to support themselves. This wan an unorthodox and a poor way to flourish, even for a church in our minds.

This is also towards the landlords. They charged their tenants unfairly with outrageous rents. The reform protected them, and the land they worked on.

Overall the reform ensured no one abused their power, we feel that many abuse their power enough.

Jokes

Joke #18530: Message From the Duke of Wellington

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MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO THE BRITISH FOREIGN OFFICE IN LONDON

Written from Central Spain, August 1812

Gentlemen, Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.

We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty’s Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.

Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion’s petty cash and there has been a hideous confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.

This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty’s Government so that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:

1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance…

2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.

Your most obedient servant,
Wellington

Other Junk

FAQ About Australia

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These are from potential visitors to Australia. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a snide sense of humor.

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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets, especially The Taipans.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

(C) Racist Jokes, Jokes

Joke #18430

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A New York judge is ready to go through the day’s business and he is very rushed. The first case up involves an elderly Jewish gentleman with a long beard, payos, the works.

The judge, without asking a question, says to the clerk: “Quick…get me a translator.”

Translator shows up and the judge says: “Ask him what his name is, how old is he and where does he come from?”

The translator says: “Die judge vilt vissen, vos is dein namen, vie alt bist du, and fun vie kumst du?”

The old man smiles, looks at the judge and says in perfect English with a British accent: “Your Honour. My name is Sir Chaim Ginsbug. I shall be 82 next Thursday and I’ve come from England where I hold the chair of Hebrew Philosophy at Oxford University.”

The translator turns to the judge and says: “Ehr zukt, ehr is Sir Chaim Ginsburg, ehr is tzwei und achtzig yur alt, und ehr is, mit sach Yiddish philisoph, areingekummen fun Oxford.”

World, Screwed Up Chronicles

Microwave Popcorn Theory

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How long does it take to get all the popcorn’s popped? After serious amounts of time waisted and a series of failed expirements resulting in the kitchen flooded with Gas of burnt popcorn, I have finally waisted all my time to finally conclude this: Nothing. I have realized over and over that there is no possible way to get all the popcorns popped. Microwave popcorn is the number one cause for house fires and heart attacks and syphillis or insanity. Yes it’s true. There has been also some evidence in Bosnia and Britain that Microwave Popcorn causes the Ebola Virus. Anyways what the popcorn does is it spends about 3:00 minutes of your life watching a stupid thing inflate. This causes you to have anxiety to jump in the microwave, eat the popcorn and get severly burnt.

Also the “Popping” sound isn’t what you think it is. It’s actually a secret code thats transferred to your body. This code says to your body: “Cho mama is so fat, she brushes her teeth wit BUTTER.” Now your body gets all mad and trys to fight it off and shut it up. This causes you to go insane or get syphillis. I’m already insane so I wasn’t affected by the popcorns evil deeds. Beware, the popcorn has something popin up! Get it? Something Popin’ up? You don’t get it do you? Forget it, it’s over your head….