Tag Archives: baseball

Joke #11482

Jason: Are you going to the baseball game with me this afternoon?

Emily: No. It’s a waste of time. I can tell you the score before the game starts.

Jason: Oh yeah? What is it then?

Emily: Nothing to nothing!

Another variation of this joke:

First Fan: I can tell you what the score’s going to be before this game starts.

Second Fan: Really, what is it?

First Fan: Nothing to nothing.

Brothers and Sisters Are…

The ones you’re always tripping over when you’re trying to do your homework, and the ones who can’t be found anywhere when you feel like a game of catch!

The ones who think it’s hilarious to pick up the phone extension and hiccup while you’re talking to a friend!

The ones who borrow your best white sweater, and when they return it, it’s your best black sweater!

The ones who can’t explain how peanut butter got in your hairbrush!

The ones who can’t explain how your hairbrush got into their room.

The ones who keep their rooms clean and as neat as a pin because they spend all their time in yours!

The ones who think it’s fun to tease you all day long about your new haircut.  Then when you tease them back, they cry!

The ones you have to find a bathroom for when there isn’t a bathroom within twenty miles!

The ones who somehow can’t find anything else to do but sit next to you when your friends come over!

The ones who have no idea how all those grasshoppers got under your pillow!

The ones who, whenever your friends come over, think it’s a riot to call you by your totally embarrassing middle name.

The ones who eat the last slice of chocolate cake when you’ve had your eye on it for hours!

The ones who save their allowance until it adds up to a fortune, while you’ve spent every penny you ever had!

The ones who magically become invisible when someone has to walk the dog on a rainy day.

The ones who don’t get caught making silly faces at the dinner table.

The ones who always know how to make you laugh when you’re drinking so that you get a quart of milk up your nose!

The ones who want to watch reruns of Gilligan’s Island when you want to watch the baseball play-offs.

Stuck In the Past

This was written for class, and was supposed to mirror a main point from one of the parables of the horrible book, The Joy Luck Club.

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It was yesterday, when Alan was told that his parents were going to get a divorce. He didn’t understand what that meant at first, but his mom simply said to him, “You’ll never see your dad again.” Alan became confused, and wondered what he had done to make his dad not want to see him. Because he was so young, at the age of 8, he had no way to express his sadness to anyone except to cry himself to sleep.

Less than a week after his mother told him about the divorce, Alan and his mom moved across the country. As if his parent’s separation wasn’t hard enough, he had to cope with completely new surroundings. All that Alan wanted was to be alone, and to accept that his life would never be the same again. He thought constantly about how everything had changed: where his new home was, the friends he would never see again, and so much more. Soon enough, he began to blame all his sadness and anger on his father.

Alan was viewed by the other children at school as an outsider. He never talked to anyone, participated in class, or even did anything but drown in his misery during recess. His mind often wandered during class, thinking time and time again about the drastic changes in his life. He didn’t feel comfortable being anywhere, except in his own dream world, where his life was perfect again, before all the changes.

The image of his father, had warped into something evil. His father had become the devil he cursed everyday before bed. As the days turned into months, and the months into years, he came to the conclusion that he never really knew his father. This man who came home everyday late at night, and never spent any time with Alan, except a few hours, if that much, on the weekends. Alan often asked himself “Who was this man?” Alan didn’t even remember what his father liked to do in his spare time, or even if he liked to eat any of the foods Alan liked to eat. It was his mother who was the victim, and the man he didn’t even know was the person responsible for murdering who Alan would have been some day. He could have been a successful businessman, but instead he was a drunkard, at the age of 16. He often drank until he was sick. The funny thing about it was that there wasn’t any peer pressure involved. Alan never had any friends, and was consumed by his hatred and sadness, even after all the years that had passed.

Alan had distorted all the details of what the first 8 years of his life had actually been like. All the memories of playing catch with his father were gone. They were replaced with illusions of his father beating Alan with the baseball bat that was used for batting the balls. He also replaced all the memories of his father teaching Alan how to swim with his father trying to drown him in the bathtub. His father became the worst man ever to live in this world.

Alan never talked about any of these horrible thoughts with his mother. Alan’s twisted attitude towards life went mostly disregarded by his mother, because she thought he was just “going through a phase.” Not until Alan’s mother actually caught him with an empty bottle of vodka, did she have an epiphany that her son truly had serious problems. It was after this event that Alan’s mother confessed to him that it wasn’t true that his father did not want to see him all those years, but rather that she had not allowed his father to see Alan. It didn’t matter at that point though; the mental damage had already been done.

Boyfriend vs. Girlfriend

TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

 

54 times the sheets were clean

17 times it was too late

49 times you were too tired

20 times it was too hot

15 times you pretended to be asleep

22 times you had a headache

17 times you were afraid of waking the baby

16 times you said you were too sore

12 times it was the wrong time of the month

19 times you had to get up early

9 times you said weren’t in the mood

7 times you were sunburned

6 times you were watching the late show

5 times you didn’t want to mess up your new hair-do

3 times you said the neighbors would hear us

9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not

satisfactory because:

 

6 times you just laid there

8 times you reminded me there’s a crack in the ceiling

4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with

7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished

1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

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TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND,

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn’t get more than you did:

 

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat

36 times you did not come home at all

21 times you didn’t cum

33 times you came too soon

19 times you went soft before you got in

38 times you worked too late

10 times you got cramps in your toes

29 times you had to get up early to play golf

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper

3 times you had a cold and your nose was running

2 times you had a splinter in your finger

20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day

6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book

98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

 

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because

you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was , “Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?” The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.