Jokes

Joke #9173

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A man with a nagging secret couldn’t keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

“What did you take?” his priest asked.

“Enough to build my own house and enough for my son’s house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake.”

“This is very serious,” the priest said. “I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?”

“No, Father, I haven’t,” the man replied. “But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber.”

Jokes

Joke #9172

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This guy went to see a highly recommend psychiatrist. The doctor showed the man an inkblot and asked, “What does this remind you of?”

The guy replied, “A naked woman.” Then the shrink showed the man another inkblot and asked the guy the same question. The guy responded, “A naked woman on a bed.” This went on and on, inkblot after inkblot.

The psychiatrist finally said to the guy, “You are a sick pervert.”

The guy replied, “I’m not the pervert here. You’re the one who keeps showing me all those dirty pictures.”

Jokes

Joke #9171

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As a sargeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet, sad, looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation. “Scared, Lieutenant?” I asked.

He replied, “No, just a bit apprehensive.”

I asked, “What’s the difference??”

He replied, “That means I’m scared with a university education.”

Jokes

Joke #9170

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A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night.

When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom. The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them all over the place. Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill, and a lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf.

Much later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked, “So … how was I?”

“Well,” she said, “You can take anything from the bottom shelf.”

Quotes

The General Motors HelpLine

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General Motors doesn’t have a “help line” for people who don’t know how to drive, because people don’t buy cars like they buy computers — but imagine if they did . . .

HELPLINE: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!”
HELPLINE: “Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?”
CUSTOMER: “What’s an ignition?”
HELPLINE: “It’s a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.”
CUSTOMER: “Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?”

————————————–

HELPLINE: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “My car ran fine for a week, and now it won’t go anywhere!”
HELPLINE: “Is the gas tank empty?”
CUSTOMER: “Huh? How do I know!?”
HELPLINE: “There’s a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from ‘E’ to ‘F.’ Where is the needle pointing?”
CUSTOMER: “It’s pointing to ‘E.’ What does that mean?”
HELPLINE: “It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you.”
CUSTOMER: “What!?” I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!”

Jokes

Joke #9168

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Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he’d been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.

He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, “The climate didn’t agree with me.”

Jokes

Joke #9167

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Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, “This man,” he announced, “called in sick yesterday!”

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.  “Wow,” he said. “Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn’t been sick!”

Email Forwards

The Ultimate Chain Letter

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This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping.

REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man’s pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model.

An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood supermodel.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain, and got his own wife back again.

Jokes

Joke #9165

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Toward the end of their senior year in high school, students were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Rescue Anne, to practice.

Rescue Anne was legless to allow for storage in a carrying case.

The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of the students gently shook the doll and asked, “Are you all right?” He then put his ear over the mannequin’s mouth to listen for breathing.

Suddenly, the student turned to the instructor and exclaimed, “She says she can’t feel her legs!”

Lists

Inspirational Posters For The Cubicle Era

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– Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

– If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

– Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

– Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

– Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

– A person who smiles in the face of adversity…probably has a scapegoat.

– Plagiarism saves time.

– If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

– Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

– TEAMWORK…means never having to take all the blame yourself.

– The beatings will continue until morale improves.

– Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

– We waste time, so you don’t have to.

– Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

– Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

– A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

– When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

– INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

– Succeed in spite of management.

– Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment

Jokes

Joke #9160

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A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, “No, ma’am, we haven’t had any for some weeks now, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.”

Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, “That isn’t true, ma’am.  Of course, we’ll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago.”

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, “Never, never, never, never say we don’t have something. If we don’t have it, say we ordered it and it’s on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?”

“Snow.”

Jokes

Joke #9158

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The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked. The front of the church fills first.”

The young priest nodded and the old one continued, “And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock ‘n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony.”

“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth.” “Well”, said the elderly priest, “I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru Confessional.

“But Father,” protested the young priest. “My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!

I know, my son,” replied the old man. “But that flashing neon sign, “Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell”, can’t stay on the church roof!