Lists

Top Ten Ways to Spend the $250 Million Powerball Jackpot

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10. A twinkie for everyone in the country.

9. Develop and market an action-figure doll of yourself.

8. Get yourself one a’ them “Pentagon quality” toilet bowls.

7. Buy the biggest trailer in West Virginia, and then put a new BMW on blocks in the front yard.

6. Pay for a top-notch therapist to deal with the feeling that, compared to Bill Gates, you’re still not rich.

5. At long last: a home-slurpee machine of your VERY OWN!

4. Four words: Prank call to Antarctica.

3. Goodbye aluminum siding: Hello golden siding.

2. Get it all in pennies and ride the horse in front of K-mart, FOREVER!

1. Donate it to a college. Then they can name a building after you: “Lucky Bastard Hall”

Jokes

Joke #18547

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My wife and I were having lunch at a fashionable eatery in Annapolis when we noticed what looked like a familiar face at the next table. Screwing up my courage, I asked, “Excuse me. Aren’t you Marlin Fitzwater, the former White House press secretary?”

“Yes, I am,” he acknowledged, and graciously interrupted his lunch to talk to us.

As we were leaving the restaurant, I remarked to the hostess, “Do you know you have Marlin Fitzwater on the terrace?”

“I’m not sure about that,” she replied, “but we have Perrier and Evian at the bar.”

Jokes, (C) Religious Jokes

Joke #18546

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He was a young Pastor, and as usual, he was running late getting into town…. and he was speeding.

Then to top it off, he looked in the review mirror only to see the lights of the Highway Patrol! Already late for church and figuring he’d try for leniency, he quickly slapped his Bible on the dash of his car as the trooper walked up to the window and asked to see his drivers license.

Looking at his name and title on the license, the trooper asked, “You’re a Reverend huh?” The young Pastor affirmed that.

The trooper then began writing out a speeding ticket and said, “Well, Reverend; your speedometer runneth over.”

As the trooper handed him the ticket and started to walk away, his last comment was, “Oh, by the way…. the Bible on the dash…. nice touch.”

Jokes

Joke #18544

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My husband had run to the store with our daughters, Sarah (4) and Hannah (2) and on the way home he drove through a neighborhood looking for houses for sale. After a bit Sarah asked, “Daddy, what are we doing?”

My husband said he was looking at the houses that were for sale.

Sarah asked “Are you gonna buy a new house?”

Dad replied “Maybe.”

Then Sarah said with much concern, “But Dad, how will we get it HOME?!”

Jokes

Joke #18543

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Using a new painting program on my computer, I managed to come up with a very credible still life of fruit.

I made a color printout and sent it to my daughter, a graphic designer. She called when it arrived. “Isn’t it good?” I asked.

She chuckled, and in a tone that echoed mine from years ago, replied, “Mom, it’s beautiful. We put it on the refrigerator.”

Jokes

Joke #18542

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One day a child at my four-year-old’s preschool class told her classmates that she needed a ‘damp towel.’

Some of the other kids thought she said a naughty word and told on her.

The teacher stepped in to explain, “If your mommy asked you to bring her a damp towel, what does she want?”

A little girl blurted out, “She means she wants that towel right now!”

(C) Misandry Jokes, Jokes

Joke #18540

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As the lone female in our house, I find that certain male habits have really begun to get on my nerves. One day, I emerged from the bathroom completely exasperated when I bumped into my husband.

“What is it with guys that they won’t replace the toilet paper?!” I raged.

“I know,” he said, nodding in agreement. “I noticed that when I was in there earlier.”

Jokes

Joke #18538

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I met this guy the other day and I noticed he was wearing a huge watch with all sorts of little dials on it.

“Wow,” I said. “That’s one hell of a watch.”

“Thanks, it’s a divers watch,” he informed. “It’s waterproof to up to 500 meters, it won’t corrode, never needs batteries or winding…it’s the best divers watch money can buy.”

“Huh,” I said. “You dive?”

“No,” he said as a fearful look came over his face. “I hate the water.”

Jokes

Joke #18536

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Seven months pregnant, my hand on my aching back, I stood in line at the post office for what seemed an eternity.

“Honey,” said a woman behind me, “I had back pain during my pregnancy. I was bedridden for four months because my baby was sitting on a nerve.”

The man in front of me piped up… “You’d better get used to it now. Once those young ones get on your nerves, they can stay there till they’re 18.”

Jokes

Joke #18535

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A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.

“Do you have ‘Eyes of Blue’ and ‘A Love Supreme?'” she asked.

“Well, no,” answered the puzzled homeowner. “But I have a wife and eleven children.”

“Is that a record?” she inquired, puzzled in her turn.

“I don’t think so,” replied the man, “but it’s as close as I want to get.”

Jokes

Joke #18534

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Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn’t dare discuss in front of him — his height. Or, should I say, his lack of it.

One day he stormed through the door and announced angrily, “Someone just picked my pocket!”

Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for one who blurted out, “How could anyone stoop so low?”