Dining out one evening I noticed some teenagers celebrating at a nearby table.
When one girl pulled out a camera, I offered to take a picture of the group. After one photo I suggested taking another just in case the first one didn’t come out.
“That’s ok,” she said as she took her camera back. “I always get double prints.”
My husband David’s colleague at a package-processing center was trapped in a small rest room by a faulty lock.
When he was finally discovered, David and another worker were able to open the door with some difficulty. The lock was still jammed, so they blocked the door open while a maintenance worker was called. A bit later, David noticed the door was closed again. He jiggled the doorknob and a voice from inside called, “Get me out!”
“Don’t worry,” David replied, “Maintenance should be sending somebody.”
“They did,” said the voice.
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when e noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.
So he walked up to the boy and said, “Well, where did you get Him, my little friend?”
The little boy replied, “I got him from the church.”
“And why did you take him?”
The boy said, “Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it.”
1. The Macy’s One Day Sale Flu.
2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus.
3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.
4. The I’m Looking for a New Job and I Don’t Know How Long It’s Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection.
5. The My Boyfriend’s Got the Week Off So Suddenly I’m Too Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease.
6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn’t Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza.
7. The There’s No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness.
8. The It’s Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I’m a Teenager Again General Ailment.
9. The I’ve Messed Up Royally and I Won’t Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness.
10. The I Really Am Sick and I’ve Got The Doctor’s Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity.
The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning.
Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. But where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words “Rough Road.”
At our local funeral home families are given the chance to chose the music they would like to enter the service to.
One family asked to enter to Elvis Presley’s hit, “Love me Tender.”
The day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family to walk in to the service.
Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, “Return to Sender.”
The woman said to her beautician as she sat down for her appointment, “When you’re finished with me, will my husband think I’m beautiful?”
“Maybe,” replied beautician, “does he still drink a lot?”
My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect.
My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say, “We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?”
Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, “Dad! They’ve got Mom! And they want money!”
The day I started my construction job, I was in the office filling out an employee form when I came to the section that asked: Single____, Married____, Divorced____.
I marked single. Glancing at the man next to me, who was also filling out his form, I noticed he hadn’t marked any of the blanks. Instead he had written, ‘Yes, in that order.’
A dog followed his master to school. His owner was a fourth grader at a public elementary school.
However, when the bell rang, the dog sidled inside the building and made it all the way to the child’s classroom before a teacher noticed and shooed him outside, closing the door behind him. The dog sat down, whimpered and stared at the closed doors.
Then God appeared beside the dog, patted his head, and said, “Don’t feel bad fella’…they won’t let ME in either.”
A guy shows up late for work his first day. The boss yells, “You should have been here at 8:30!”
He replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”
Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? (The other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. Don’t EVEN think of going there!) So I now present for you….
*Things NOT To Say When Hanging The Christmas Lights*
– “You’ve got two red lights right next to each other. You’re supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue…”
– “Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try.”
– “What on earth do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knots?”
– “Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I’m going to fry that sucker.”
– “If you’re not going to do it right, don’t do it at all. Don’t just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You’re worse than your father.”
– “Give me that!!”
– “You’ve got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top.”
– “I don’t care if you have found another two strings, I’m done!”
– “You’ve just wound ’em around and around – I thought we agreed it shouldn’t look like a spiral this year?”
– “Have you been drinking?!!?”
– “Okaaay! Looks like we’re *finally* done here now. Not too shabby huh? Hey….wait a minute, where’s the cat?”
While Christmas shopping at a toy store, Barry came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel.
As he scanned the line, he noticed his friend, Wally, waiting with all the others. Knowing that Wally had no daughters or young relatives, Barry figured that Wally must like the dolls himself. “Wally, I didn’t know you were a collector!”
“I’m not,” Wally replied.
“Then why are you standing in this long line?”
“Well, I’ve never been able to resist a Barbie queue!”
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention.
I made myself a snowball,
as perfect as could be,
I thought I’d keep it as a pet,
and let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas,
and a pillow for its head,
Then last night it ran away,
but first it wet the bed.