Category Archives: Jokes

The whole Joke archive. Tons of jokes!

Joke #18668

Waiting for our aerobics class to begin, several of us were standing around in our leotards chatting about fitness and diets. One woman said that her brother-in-law had quit smoking, gone on a diet and lost weight all at the same time.

Thinking to myself that no human being could possibly do this without acquiring at least one other undesirable habit for compensation, I jokingly asked her, “What did he start doing instead of these things?”

After a slight pause, she smiled and said, “Well, my sister is pregnant now.”

Joke #18666

My partner and I were in our police car when we were dispatched to break up a domestic dispute.

We spoke with the couple, and the problem was quickly resolved.

On leaving, I was admiring the craftsmanship of their turn-of-the-century home and reached for what I thought was the front door.

Realizing my mistake, I was turning away in embarrassment when my partner tried to cover for me by saying…

“If you have any more problems, we’ll be in your closet.”

Joke #18665

A church-going cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

The next morning a cow walked up carrying the Bible in it’s mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes!

He took the book out of the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heaven-ward and exclaimed, “Praise God! It’s a miracle!”

“Not really….” said the cow. “Your name was written inside the cover.”

Joke #18664

Our daughter Wendy stayed home to housesit while my wife and I went away for our anniversary. As she was eating dinner, the phone rang. It was a telemarketer.

Wendy: “Hello?”

Telemarketer: “Good evening. May I speak to Mr. Gallamore?”

Wendy: “I’m sorry, but he’s out of town celebrating his wedding anniversary.”

Telemarketer: “Oh, I understand. Well, then, may I please speak to Mrs. Gallamore?”

Joke #18660

A local newspaper was doing a story about how housing developments were eating up farmland, putting the livelihood of local farmers in jeopardy.

They interviewed Arthur Brown, a well-known and respected farmer who lived on the outskirts of town. He had received numerous high-dollar offers for on particular field which bordered a nearby housing development.

The photographer took a picture of Farmer Brown standing on the controversial piece of land. The picture appeared in the story and mentioned Farmer Brown as….

..”a man out-standing in his field.”

Joke #18659

A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers. When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.

“I’ve had mine for twenty years,” she pleaded. “Couldn’t you change yours?”

The company refused, so she said, “Fine. From now on, I’m going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full.”

The company got a new number the next day.

Joke #18658

Most elementary school children will be able to tell you that the first American flag was made by Betsy Ross.

What they are not taught was that she was also a social scientist who developed the techniques now used by Gallop and others.

It started when she asked a group of colonists what they thought of the flag she had made. This was the origin of … the flag poll.

Joke #18657

On a business trip, my father approached a security check point at the airport. The National Guard shift was rotating, and a guard in full uniform was in line in front of him. As with everybody else, the soldier was ordered to go through the metal detector.

Before doing so, he handed his M-16 rifle to the security personnel along with other items such as handcuffs and a flashlight. Still, the alarm sounded when he walked through.

Further inspection revealed a little Swiss army knife inside one of his pockets. “Sorry Sir, but this item is prohibited,” security said to the soldier. Taking the knife away, the airport worker handed him back the M-16.

Joke #18656

A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for his leg.

The first actuary quoted an annual premium of $500, estimating that the leg would burn once in 20 years and the value of the leg is $10,000.

The second actuary quoted an annual premium of $50. When the second actuary was asked how he arrived at such a small figure, he replied, “This situation is right here in the fire schedule rating table.

The object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler, isn’t it?”

Joke #18654

An herpetologist (snake expert) brought several snakes to show a class at the local community college. A young brunette went up to him after the class to ask more about the snakes. She wanted to know if he had ever been bitten by a poisonous snake.

He said “Yep, several times. Most recently a rattler bit me right here”, and he showed the scar on his arm where the snake had sunk it’s fangs.

She looked at the man in awe and asked, “And you lived!?”

He looked at her, surprised, then grinned and said “You’re really a blonde, aren’t you?”