Q: Did you hear about the blonde that won the gold medal at the olympics?
A: She had it bronzed.
Category Archives: Jokes
The whole Joke archive. Tons of jokes!
Joke #5262
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everybody’s been in a 747
Joke #5261: Little Mary
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school; usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?”
When Mary did not stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty!” shouted Mary and the teacher said, “Very good.” and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, “Who is our Lord and Savior,” but, Mary did not even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. “Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”
The Teacher fainted.
Joke #5260: Do the Screw
It’s the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in. “Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says.
“That’s cool,” says Bobby. Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie’s father responds, “Why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie’s dad to repeat it.
“Oh yeah,” says Carries father, “our Carrie really loves to screw. She’d screw all night if we’d let her!”
Well, this makes Bobby’s eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: “DARN IT, DADDY! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!!!”
Joke #5259: Hercules, Snow White & Quasimodo
Hercules, Snow White & Quasimodo were all having lunch together.
Hercules said, “I have always thought that I’m the strongest man in the world, but how can i be sure?”
Snow White agreed, “I’m told I’m the fairest of them all, but sometimes I wonder.”
Quasimodo said, “I’m pretty sure I’m the ugliest human alive but I’ve never had it confirmed.”
They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to pray about it that night & ask God to confirm for them whether Hercules was the strongest, Snow White was the fairest & quasimodo was the ugliest. They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.
The next day Hercules walked up with a smile.
“Well, it’s true. God told me that I am the strongest man in the world.”
Snow White perked up & said, “And I now know for sure that I’m the fairest, for God confirmed it.”
But Quasimodo lifted his sad face & said. “Who is Linda Tripp?”
Joke #5258: Fired!
A young executive was leaving the office one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen”, said the CEO, “this is important and my assistant has left. Can you make this thing work?”
“Certainly”, said the young man, flattered that the CEO had asked him for help.
He turned the the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button.
“Excellent! Excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
“I need two copies of that.”
Joke #5257: William Shakespere
William Shakespeare dies and goes to heaven. There he meets St. Peter, who asks him “what is your name and what were you in the past life?” Shakespeare says, “I’m William Shakespeare and I was a poet.”
At the same time, a scottish poet, Robbie Burns dies, and he goes to heaven. St. Peter asks him, “what is your name and what were you in your past life?” Burns says, “I’m Robbie Burns and I was a poet.”
St. Peter then says “well, we only have room for one poet in heaven, so we will have a contest! Whoever can write a better poem, gets in! The topic will be Timbuctoo, and you will both have one hour to complete the poems.” So after one hour, they come back, and Shakespeare goes first,
“As I walk across the golden sands, as I walk across the golden land, a great big ship comes in to view, It’s destination Timbuctoo.”
St. Peter says, “Okay, now we will hear Burns’ poem”
Burns says, “As Tim and I a walking went, we saw three damsels by a tent, as they were three and we were two, I bucked one and Tim bucked two!”
Joke #5256: Blue Cross
An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination whereupon the doctor said “You are in fine shape for your age, but tell me… do you still have intercourse?”
“Just a minute, I’ll have to ask my husband,” she said.
She went out to the reception room and said: ” Morris do we still have intercourse?”
Morris answered impatiently… “If I told you once I told you a thousand times…We have Blue Cross!!”
Joke #5255: Cow Butt
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball…stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.”
“What did you do?”, asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,
“Hey, this looks like yours!”
Joke #5254: Keep Daddy Thin
One night, a young boy heard noises from his parent’s bedroom. It was hard for him, but he went back to sleep.
The next night he heard the same noises, but once again fell back asleep. Finally, on the third day that he was woken up by his parents, he decides to see what the heck they are doing. So he walks up to his parents room, and sees his mother on top of his father. She is moving up and down on top of him, and they both are making grunting noises. He has no idea what is going on, and decides to go back to bed.
The next morning the boy tells his mother about how they woke him up, and what he saw when he went to see what they were doing. Finally, he asks what was going on. His mother decides he is too young to learn about sex, so she tells him that since his father is getting old and fat, she has to jump on top on him to keep him thin. “But mommy,” the boy exclaims, “That won’t work, cause everyday when you go to work, the next door neighboor comes over and blows him back up!”
Joke #5253: The Lady and The Bank President
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s alot of money!”
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?
“The old lady replied, “I make bets.”
The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?
“The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”
“Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!”
The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?”
“Sure,” said the president, “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!”
The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10 am as a witness?”
“Sure!” replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!” The president agreed with the betagain and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, Okay,” said the president, “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?” She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10 am today I’d have The Bank of Canada’s president’s balls in my hand.”
Joke #5252: Car Problems
My wife came home yesterday and said, “Honey, the car won’t start, but I know what the problem is.”
I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.
I thought for a moment, then said, “You know I don’t mean this badly, but you don’t know the carburetor from the accelerator.”
“No, there’s definitely water in the carburetor” she insisted.
“OK, Honey, that’s fine, I’ll just go take a look. Where is it?”
“In the lake!”
Joke #5251: Slacker
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO, walks up the guy and asks – “and how much money do you make a week?”
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $200.00 a week. Why?”
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams – “here’s a week’s pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks – “does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?”
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters –
“Pizza delivery guy”.
Joke #5250: Flippin’ Dog
A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, ‘No pets allowed.’
The man replies, ‘This is a special dog. Turn on the Cowboys game and you’ll see.’
The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turns on the game.
The guy says, ‘Watch. Whenever the Cowboys score, my dog does flips.’The Cowboys keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.
‘Wow! That’s one hekuva dog you got there! What happens when the Cowboys score a touchdown?’
The man replies, ‘I don’t know. I’ve only had him for 2 years.’
Joke #5249: Fibbing Away
A man is fibbing away about how great things are in his country.
Finally, he starts describing the tall buildings in his country.
“There is a building so tall, it took my friend Alex 72 hours to fall off it!”
“Oh, my God!” says his friend. “Surely he must have died!”
“Of course. He was without food or water for 3 days!”