Two eggs in a pan, one egg turns to the other egg and says…
“Oh no! I see a crack!”
The other egg replies…
“No point telling me that I’m not hard yet!”
Two eggs in a pan, one egg turns to the other egg and says…
“Oh no! I see a crack!”
The other egg replies…
“No point telling me that I’m not hard yet!”
Parody of “Say You’ll Be There” by the Spice Girls.
–
Say you’ll grow hair…
Say you’ll grow hair…
I’m getting a new hair piece
For this boy I see
This I swear…
Last time, you had an evaluation
I decided that I’d fix your split ends…yeah
But now I just twist them up in circles
Tell me when this growing bald spot will end…
Now you – tell me that you’re using a glove
Well the Velcro it should work easily…
This time, you gotta rake it easy, gently part it-
There’s just too much lotion for me…
Any fool can see that it’s falling,
Gotta take this hair to the can…. (Yes I do, yeah)
I’m getting a new hair piece
For this boy I see,this I swear…
And… all that I want from you,
Is a wig or two, to be there… (Say you’ll grow hair!)
If you, glue 2 more hairs together
Then we’ll see – what this hair spray is for…
If you – can’t fight this bald invasion…
I’ll just make you sweep the hair off the floor.
There is no weave, too frayed or ugly
It would be better left on your head. (Yes it would, yeah)
I’m getting a new hair piece
For this boy I see… this I swear (Say you’ll grow hair!)
And… all that I want from you,
Is a wig or two, to be there. (Yeah, toupees too)
I’m getting a new hair piece
For this boy I see ,this I swear… (Say you’ll grow hair!)
And… all that I want from you,
Is a wig or two to be there.
The night was dark,
The sky was blue,
Around the corner
The poop wagon flew,
A shot was fired,
A gun was heard,
And a man was killed
By a flying turd.
There once was a man from Mantucket.
But he didn’t like Mantucket
So he went to Disney World
He then road all day and all night
To catch the masked porno stealer!
Die porno stealer he said
And he bashed the porno stealers nuts in with a shovel!
The porno man died
So Mr. Guy went back to Mantucket
And killed everyone cause he hated poor people.
Mantucket is the ghetto! God dam ghettoians!
Parody of “The Song That Never Ends” from Lambchop’s Playalong.
–
This is the blunt that never ends
It goes on and on my friends
Some people started smoking it
Not knowing what it was
And kept on smoking it
Just because (because because because)
(Continue from the top)
“OKay umm there is a diffrence between being irrattating and being annoying
i believe are more on the irrattatting side and anyways who idea was it about the fart thing?? (( frankly i think shes full of shit dont listen to my Char she can be a real bitch at times he he then again she is under my control ::evil cackles then turns smacking her character::))”
– Rose Andreana
You are one of *two* people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?
–
Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.
Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.
Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.
Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.
Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
Internal Revenue Service agent: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.
Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.
Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.
Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.
Economist: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.
Psychoanalyst: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.
Dramatist: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
Artist: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.
Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.
Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.
Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.
Association of Tobacco Growers representative: you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown that jumping out of a plane is NOT harmful to your health.
Q: Know why the Indian got a table at the restaurant?
A: He had a reservation.
“I heard something about Native Americans having their own Olympics. Hope they don’t have a dance competition, because it would probably get rained out.
Besides, I thought they already had their own games. It was called ‘The World Series of Poker.'”
– Matt Sussman
Matt Sussman and Matt Cary talking about the Randall Simon incident…
–
Matt Sussman: but I’ll be frank
Matt Sussman: the person inside the costume should relish this moment
Matt Sussman: because what Randall Simon did just doesn’t cut the mustard
Matt Sussman: and after she fell down… no way could she ketchup
Matt Cary: Oh my gosh, stop youre killing me
Matt Cary: thats so many in a row
Matt Sussman: I think that last joke was the wurst one
Matt Cary: Yeah, that last frank joke wasnt worth a hill of beans.
Matt Sussman: yeah, it made me chili
Matt Sussman: at least I had the onions to keep going
Matt Cary: Yeah, I think now youre just trying to be a hot dog.
Matt Sussman: Thanks. You just brat that to my attention.
Matt Cary: Didnt want you to make yourself look like a weenie.
Matt Sussman: wow. the list of puns we went through is about a foot long
Matt Cary: Baloney.
Matt Sussman: Don’t have a cow.
“Do unto others as…
…your friends do into your girlfriend.”
– Matt Sussman
“Beauty is in the eye of…
…for some reason, Hugh Hefner.”
– Matt Sussman
“Teach a man to fish…
…and it will give him an excuse to get piss drunk at 10 in the morning.”
– Matt Sussman
“Give a man a fish…
…and he will smell like his wife for a day.”
“Sticks and stones may break my bones…
…so stay away from the Iraqi army.”
– Matt Sussman